Rating: 12/15…or PG13/R, summat like dat nyway. Not really sure about the American film certificate system. Just know, that I now advise small children and sensitive readers to run for the hopefully not too distant hills.
Notes: Just run for the hills, people. And if you decide you want to be more mentally harmed after reading my first insane outburst then please, read on and enjoy the insanity! Smile! Peas to u! Save the trees! Oh, you may have noticed my extreme over use of inverted commas with which I have given the phrase “best friend” a whole new meaning. Don’t worry, I am fully aware of the scarring I am causing the people reading this and I am receiving due punishment! *bangs head on table*. Bad Roy! Enjoy!
The Consequences of Drunken Strip Poker
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” The tortured screaming echoed around the camp, as the morning sunshine shone down on the scene of the events from the previous night. Clothing was scattered in the circle around a burnt out campfire, along with several empty bottles of vodka and a pack of cards strewn across the floor.
“Oh my God! What happened?” cried Misty, looking down at her scantily clad self, then at Ash and Brock, both barely dressed, who lay either side of her. Both were looking just as frightened, just as mentally scarred, and just as likely to explode with disgust.
“How could we have a threesome?” they both yelled in unison.
“I don’t know,” groaned Misty, holding her head that was beginning to throb with pain, “ my memory of last night is very blurred and laced with the vodka that somebody brought along.” She glared at Brock.
“I didn’t force you to drink it!” he moaned defensively.
Ash had begun twitching violently.
“Horniness overload…. must puke.” Misty sweatdropped.
“Maybe we should get him seen to.”
***
Jessie sighed happily. She had had the most peaceful sleep she had experienced in a long time, and James was next to her. He was lying there with that innocent look on his face. Oh, how she loved him… She realised how close they were. How peaceful he looked, how sexy, and how…NAKED? She felt herself blush furiously, and then the memory of the previous night came flooding back to her. For some reason, playing strip poker with the twerps had seemed like a good idea…what had they been thinking?! And then… things had gotten horny, and drunken…and the twerps had left and…
The memory of what happened once they were in the tent was most vivid, even though she had been completely pissed, she could remember every single thing, right down to the cute little doughnut shaped birthmark on James’ arse. He had told her he loved her, and she had said the same to him. But they had been drunk…what if he hadn’t meant it? What if it had been the drink talking? Maybe she should move before he woke up… maybe they could pretend it never happened. But it was too late. James stirred and then opened his eyes. He looked down at her, and smiled.
“Hi Jess,” he whispered.
“Hi James,” she said shyly, blushing. He looked around blearily. They stayed very still in each other’s arms, like the slightest move would mean the end of what had passed between them. She sighed, wondering what to do. In truth she was amazingly happy about this situation, but she wasn’t sure whether James had really meant what he said. She decided the only way to know for sure was to ask him.
“James?”
“Yes, Jessie?”
“L-last night… did…did you mean what you said?” she asked, looking at him.
‘Uh oh’ he thought, ‘what if it was the drink talking when she told me she loved me back?’
“Did you?”
“I asked first.”
“Well urm…I uh…”
“Just tell me James!” she ordered in desperation.
“Yes,” he said very quietly. Her heart skipped a beat, then she suppressed a grin.
“All of it?”
“Yes.”
“Even when you told me I had the body of a goddess and that I drove like a Nidoqueen on heat?” He blushed furiously.
“Urr…well…urm…I probably wouldn’t have worded it like that if I had been sober…” Jessie smiled at him.
“Right now your cheeks match my hair colour,” she whispered. He turned even redder, then had to make sure his words hadn’t been in vain.
“D-did you mean what you said last night?” he asked, a little apprehensively. She kissed his nose.
“Every word.” He grinned goofily. They both sighed simultaneously and curled up in each other’s arms. A desperate scream escaped the twerps’ tent. Jessie couldn’t help giggling.
“Sounds like they aren’t so keen on each other now the vodka’s worn off…”
***
“Okay…maybe nothing really happened…we just woke up and things looked worse than they actually were.” Misty tried rationalising with false hope, but only managed to make things seem worse.
“We are so screwed,” groaned Brock.
“By the literal meaning of the phrase.” Ash was still twitching and had begun mumbling to himself.
“How could I betray Pikachu so badly?” Misty regarded him with pity.
“Compared to him we’ve come out fine and dandy. He is seriously messed up.” Brock glanced at him.
“When has Ash not been messed up? I mean “I wanna be a Pokemon master and have gay sex with my fat yellow best friend, Pikachu”?”
“Maybe we should get out of here…” suggested Misty, observing the tent with some disgust, “I feel dirty just looking around here.”
“Well you were very dirty last night. I recall you asking me something along the lines of where I kept my Wigglytuff and then…” Misty blushed.
“I don’t wanna know what I said or did!” she ordered, “Come on, Ash.” She grabbed the unstable twerp by the arm. He looked at her in confusion. Then fear struck his face.
“Don’t take me away! I know what you wanna do to me and I won’t be manipulated. Pikachu is the only one for me!” Misty glanced at Brock.
“I believe messed up is an understatement. This whole thing with Pikachu has gone way too far. It isn’t healthy.”
“Maybe he should get himself a girlfriend.”
“Who’d wanna be his girlfriend?”
“What happened to “Ash is never really alone ‘cause he’s got me”?” teased Brock in a scary falsetto.
“How do you know that? You weren’t even there! You were too busy swooning over Professor Ivy.” Brock proceeded to have some form of spasm.
“That…name…” then snapping out of it countered, “The powers of Japanation.”
“Hmph.” Misty looked around, “What happened to Jessie and James?”
“I don’t know. Maybe they did the normal sane thing to do and went to bed.”
“Well, I bet if they did they didn’t get much sleep,” snorted Misty, “those two looked pretty cosy to me.”
“At least they did not have a scary threesome. Do you realise we aren’t even legally allowed to have a drink…or have sex for that matter?!”
“Rub it in why don’t you?” Misty scowled, then grabbed both he and Ash by the ears, “Now let’s go.”
“I wouldn’t say this event has particularly changed our relationship,” commented Brock dryly as he was hauled out of the tent.
***
“So…Pikachu…feelin’ any better?” asked the somewhat uncomfortable Meowth. After a while Pikachu had broken down over Ash’s betrayal of him and spent the whole night babbling and crying over Meowth.
“Pi…pi pika kachuuuuuuuuu!!!!!” (I can’t believe Ash could do this to me!!!!!) moaned Pikachu, wailing and hiccupping. Meowth patted him awkwardly on the back.
“Uh…I’m sure it was just de drink dat got into him,” he tried to comfort him.
“Pi pika pika chu pika pi pikachu?” (Say Meowth, would you be my new “best friend”) Pikachu looked at him hopefully. Meowth sweatdropped.
“Heh heh…say…I’m hungry, and I’ll bet Jess and Jim are too. Why don’t we go get some food?” He quickly walked off ahead of Pikachu towards the camp site to start cooking, anything to get him away from this scary rodent and his twisted love problems.
***
“Jessie?”
“Yes, James?”
“I’m kind of hungry,” he said, blushing a little.
“You’re always hungry.”
“Can we get breakfast?” he asked, giving her puppy dog eyes. She sighed, and then got an idea. Getting on top of him, she grinned slyly.
“Yes. But I’d say I still need a little more inspiration,” she ran her finger over his chest, “ maybe we could take an extra day off. To make sure we’re fully…inspired.” James grinned. This was turning out to be perfect, like a fantasy, what with Jessie on top of him, and breakfast on the way. All they had to do now was make sure the twerps didn’t disturb them this time.
“Ooooooo!” he squealed, “Sounds like a good idea. Only the twerps might still be here…” She put a finger to his lips.
“Considering yesterday’s behaviour, I think we’ve got enough to bribe them if they won’t leave us alone.”
“Ooooooo!”
***
“So…whadaya want for breakfast Pikachu? We got err…doughnuts, doughnuts and err…doughnuts…”
“Pi pika pi pika chu pika…” (Me and Ash used to have doughnuts, he used to let me lick his jelly…”) bawled the rat before Meowth thankfully cut him off in hopes of distraction.
“Well, would ya look at dat? Dere he is!” Ash, Misty and Brock had emerged from the tent looking none too happy. Pikachu ran over to his “best friend” and began babbling and bawling in frustration and sorrow.
“Pi pika pi pika pikachu pika chu pi pika chuuuuu?!” (How could you betray me after everything we’ve been through together?!) he wailed. Ash began to blubber also.
“I’m so sorry Pikachu! I never wanted this to happen! I would never betray you!”
“Pi pika pikachu!!! Pi pika chu pika…pika chu pika!” (But you have, you cruel betrayer! You *beep*ed two people…at the same time!!!!)
“Wow!” said Meowth, “I never knew Pikachu had that kind o’ vocabulary!”
Just then, Jessie and James emerged from their tent, big smiles on their faces, their arms wrapped around each other, and there was no denying where James’ hand was. Ash and Pikachu stopped their emotional outburst in order to see who it was before beginning to rage again.
“What’s up with everyone?” asked James.
“You’re all acting like someone died,” added Jessie.
“Dese three got a little too cosy last night…” said Meowth.
“Oh, we know that,” smiled James.
“Ash and Pikachu’s relationship is on the rocks,” provided Brock.
“I always knew they were more than just “best friends”,” said James, then rubbing his hands, “who’s for breakfast?”
All except Ash and Pikachu, who continued to emotionally outburst at each other, were in agreement with this suggestion.
“I, the master chef will show you what a masterpiece is!” declared James, pulling out a box of doughnuts and handing one to everyone.
“You made these?” asked Misty.
“No, he bought them from Tesco,” said Jessie, “there was a half price sale on.” James pouted.
“I risked an attack from the scary old woman in the tea cosy! I put my life on the line for these doughnuts!”
“Yeah right, Jimmy. I don’t even tink she really shops dere. I don’t even know if she’s really human. It’s amazin’ what dey can computer generate dese days.” But Jesse and James were no longer listening.
“I love it when you pout like that,” whispered Jessie into his ear, practically on his lap. James grinned.
“What like this?” He pouted again. Jessie licked his ear.
“Like that.”
“Oooooo!”
“Ok, did I miss something?” asked Misty, “usually their not so blatantly obvious.”
“I think they may have had a better experience than everybody else last night,” said Brock, rubbing his ear and sending Misty a scowl. She glared back at him.
“Is it just me or is anyone else findin’ dis disturbin’?” asked Meowth, looking a little freaked observing Jessie sitting on James’ lap as they got lost in lip lock, “I’m sure deir tongues ain’t s’posed ta do dat.”
Meanwhile behind them, Ash and Pikachu were having a break through.
“I’m so sorry, Pikachu! I promise, if you’ll just forgive me! It’ll never happen again.”
“Pi pika chu?” (You promise?) Ash fell to his knees.
“I promise!”
“Pika.” (Okay.) Ash held out his arms.
“Oh, Pikachu! You know we’ll always be “best friends”!” Pikachu ran into him and they hugged.
“Pi pika pi chu.” (“Best friends” forever.)
Despite themselves, Misty, Brock and Meowth began to applaud. Jessie and James, disturbed by the sudden noise, pulled away slightly.
“Huh? What’s going on?”
“Ash and Pikachu just made up!” cried Meowth, wiping a tear from his eye, “Dis stuff always gets me.”
“Was it laced with metaphors for things that shouldn’t be allowed in a kid’s programme?” asked James.
“Oh yeah,” said Brock.
“Good for them,” he said. Jessie whispered in his ear, and he nodded in agreement to her.
“Err…twerps?”
“Yeah?” they all answered, incidentally accepting the title of “twerp”.
“Seeing as during the past twelve hours or so we’ve acquired enough blackmail information to make you wish you’d never been born, we thought we’d give you the chance to get out of it now if you leave us alone.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but don’t you want to capture Pikachu?” asked Misty. Jessie and James grinned at each other.
“Not today,” said James, “we have…other matters to attend to.” He slid his arm around Jessie’s waist.
“Oh…ew.”
Brock grabbed Ash, Misty and Pikachu.
“We’re gone! Have a great time!” With that they vacated the area. James grinned.
“Prepared for trouble?” he whispered into Jessie’s ear.
“Make it double,” she grinned, sliding her arms around his neck. Meowth cringed.
“Oh God! I’m getting’ outta here!” he screeched dashing like a bat out of hell to take retreat in the forest.
Finito!
Well wasn’t that neat! Or at least mentally scarring in some way. Did I leave you with a sudden urge to run for the hills? Enjoy? Severely not enjoy? Have reasons to sue me for mental harm (which I hasten to add is pointless coz I have no money!…heh heh)? Send me feedback at free_tree@moose-mail.com
Roy
Run for the Hills!!! (Or just Roy's other Fanfics)
