Disclaimer: I own Kate and Barlow but nothing else. Big up Tiny and Mr Duk!!! Without them, Kate and Barlow’s Huge Show would not exist *readers cheer* T_T You’ll like it once you read it…
Notes: I was watching Tiny and Mr Duk’s Huge Show and a flash of inspiration hit me. I forgot that idea though, so I decided to give Kate and Barlow their own show instead. Don’t even bother asking why.
*Kate and Barlow are behind the counter in a canteen*
Kate: Why hello ladies, what can I get you?
Officer Jenny: Um…two salads please.
Barlow: Here you are, complete with your complimentary drink of Sleepy Night Night. Enjoy your food!
Kate: Have a nice day!
*Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy drink Sleepy Night Night and fall asleep in their salads.*
Kate: O.K. Barlow, get them in the van.
Theme tune:
We’ve got our own show!
How heavy is that?
A great new chance
For us to be prats
Don’t turn over
All the other shows suck
So come along and play
And try your bad luck
Don’t get depressed
It’s no time to feel low
Cause today you watch Kate
And Barlow
Cause today you watch Kate
And Barlow
Kate: Hello there and welcome to Kate and Barlow’s huge show! I'm Kate…
Barlow: And I'm Barlow…
Kate: And these are the teams today.
Barlow: On James Pasquale’s team we have the lovely Officer Jenny!!!
James: Why am I now called James Pasquale?
Officer Jenny: And where am I?
Kate: Excuse me but I'm the one with the questions, O.K.?
Barlow: And on Jessie O’Brien’s team we have the beautiful Nurse Joy!!!
Jessie: Stop giving us fake surnames!
Kate: But you don’t have any of your own! What’s wrong with O’Brien?
James: It’s Pasquale that I don’t like.
Kate: Shut up now, so we can get on with the quick fire round! Why is it called the quick fire round Barlow?
Barlow: Because this is the part of the show where we quickly fire objects at the teams while they answer questions on their specialised subjects. The round will be over when you hear this noise:
*Look’s like Team Rocket’s blasting off again! Ping!*
Kate: Today we’ll be throwing…
Barlow: Stop Kate! You can’t just tell them what we’re going to throw.
Kate: Why on earth not?
Barlow: Because that’s Kevin’s job!
Kate: *looking worried* Who on earth is Kevin?
Barlow: Ladies and gentlemen give it up for…Kevin the keyboard!!!! *brings keyboard out from behind desk and starts playing it and singing* Bricks and budgies, bricks and budgies, bricks and budgies!!!
Kate: *now ultra worried* O.K…to give us a hand deciding who will have bricks thrown at them, we have enlisted the help of this comedy spinner. *Brings out spinner with two sections on. Note that the budgie section is three times smaller than the brick section* James, what would you like to have thrown at you today?
James: Why are you even asking me? Every week you ask, and every week I get the hard stuff!! It’s not fair you know!!!
Barlow: *gazing at Jessie, now in boboland. We hear his thoughts* Jessie sure is looking pretty today. Wonder if she would go on a date with me???
Disembodied Voice: We are now entering Barlow’s dream world. Please put your trays and seat backs in an upright position and fasten your seatbelts until the pilot notifies us that we are at a safe altitude of ten thousand feet.
*So now we enter Barlow’s dream world. Barlow himself is wearing a suit and has a rose in his hand*
Barlow: Did anyone ever tell you that you have a really beautiful smile?
Jessie: Where the hell am I?
Barlow: In my dream world. Would you go out with me?
Jessie: Fat chance *hits him with frying pan repeatedly.*
Barlow: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Kate: Barlow? Why are you yelling ow?
Barlow: Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'm here til Thursday. *collapses on floor*
Kate: *looks at him* Don’t worry folks, that’s um…perfectly normal. Anyway James, lets spin the wheel to find out your fate. *spins wheel. It of course lands on bricks*
Barlow: *regaining consciousness* Ow, my aching head! *looks at spinner* That means that you Mr Pasquale get to have bricks thrown at you! How do you feel?
James: It can’t be any worse than a frying pan.
Kate: Oh yes it can because these *picks up brick* are specially made steel bricks!
Barlow: Ladies first. James, what is your specialised subject today?
James: My subject is…the twerps.
Barlow: Ready Kate?
Kate: *picking up bricks* Ready!
Barlow: O.K. James and Jenny, your time starts…now!
Disembodied Voice: The BBC would like to point out that throwing stuff is stupid, and so is this show.
Kate: *throwing bricks at James and Jenny, but mainly James*
Barlow: *holding up rock* Name that Pokemon!
James: A Rock-Knot-A!
Barlow: Correct! What is Ash’s favourite pastime?
Jenny: Training Pokemon?
James: Getting lost!
Barlow: Getting lost is the correct answer! What is Ash’s ambition?
Jenny: To become the world’s greatest Pokemon Master!
Barlow: Correct! What is Ash’s most commonly used phrase?
Jenny: ‘Gimme back my hat!’
James: ‘What’s that?’
Barlow: No, the correct answer is ‘it’s Team Rocket!’
*Look’s like Team Rocket’s blasting off again! Ping!*
Barlow: Now it’s Jessie’s turn. Are you ready?
Jessie: Ready when you are Barlow.
Barlow: What’s your specialised subject today?
Jessie: …the fictional animal named…the guinea-pig.
Kate: *starts throwing stuffed budgies at Jessie*
Barlow: True or false? A guinea-pig sleeps with it’s eyes open.
Joy: False?
Barlow: No it’s true! Next question: A guinea-pig’s squeak can mean one of three things. Name one of them.
Joy: ‘I want food?’
Barlow: Correct! You could also have ‘I don’t like you’ or ‘you make me horny.’ Name this type of guinea-pig. *Holds up a picture of said guinea-pig*
Jessie:…
Joy:…
Member of audience: *cough*
Jessie: Chocolate!
Barlow: Correct!
*Look’s like Team Rocket’s blasting off again! Ping!*
Barlow: O.K., now let’s go to Nora the Scorer, how I adore her.
Nora: Thank you Barlow. *please note that Nora has entered on a motorised scooter thing for the elderly and is about 152 years old. This however does not stop her from wearing a sparkly pink dress and a feather boa.* The scores so far are: *holds up score board* Jessie’s team lag behind with 2 but James’s team storm ahead with 3 points!
Audience: *cheer*
Kate: Now it’s time for Name That Cabbage!! This is the round where we ask you random questions until you hear…this noise!
*Meow!*
Kate: Cabbages at the ready?
Barlow: All accounted for!
Kate: O.K…let’s go!
Barlow: *puts cabbage on desk* Name that cabbage!
Jenny: Beatrice!
Joy: Fred!
Jessie: Roy?
Barlow: It is indeed called Roy!
Kate: Where is the dog biscuit?
*contestants look around for dog biscuit*
Barlow: Can’t find it? *Brings hat out from under desk* It’s in Barlow’s hat!
Kate: What does Barlow fear the most?
Joy: You!
Kate: Don’t be so cheeky.
Jenny: Spiders?
James: Frogs?!!
Barlow: NOOO!!! Don’t be stupid. The answer is reindeer!!
James: Riiiiiiiiiight…
Kate: Name one person who isn’t here today.
James: Jessiebelle!
Kate: Incorrect. Jessiebelle is currently waiting in your dressing room with a whip.
James: *looking worried and partially insane*
Jessie: My dad!!!
Barlow: Correct! Name that cabbage!
Joy: Brian!
Barlow: Incorrect! It’s name is Veronica! *Holds up fake bottom with three handles poking out* How many spoons are in this model of James Pasquale’s bottom?
James: *sweat drops* How…how did you get hold of that? I…I’ve never seen that flattering yet accurate portrayal of my behind before in my life…
Jenny: Three!
Kate: No, because *takes one out. We see it has prongs* they’re forks!!!
Barlow: *Bringing out a gherkin with no eyes but a mouth* Name my gherkin!
Joy: Edward!
Jessie: Brock!
Barlow: Yes indeedy, it’s Brock the gherkin!!!
*Meow!*
Barlow: So that’s the end of another round. Now please welcome the beautiful, the amazing, the wonderful: Nora the Scorer!!
Nora: James’s team still have 3 points, but in a dramatic turn around Jessie’s team have somehow gotten into the lead with 5 points!
Kate: The next round is called: How High Will a Thing Go? In this round we shoot a large stupid thing from this cannon and see how many of these giant bowling pins it can knock over. Come here Barlow.
Barlow: Yes?
Kate: I dropped a donut in that cannon.
James: *Leaping up from his seat* A donut!!! *Climbs into cannon*
Kate: O.K. then, you go in instead. Next time Barlow.
Barlow: *sniff* That was MY donut.
Kate: You O.K. in there James?
James: I can’t find the donut!
Kate: Keep looking…now teams, write down how many bowling pins this large stupid thing will knock over. Ready? *lights fuse* Stand back!!
*BANG!!!*
James: *screaming*
Kate: He knocked over all ten! Strike!! Now then teams, let’s see your cards.
Jessie: *turning over card* 9.
Barlow: Jenny?
Jenny: *turning over card* 6.
Kate: No points scored! Over to Nora for the final score.
Jessie: *yelling at James* You cream faced loon! What on earth possessed you to climb into a cannon?!
James: She said there was a donut in it!!!
Jessie: You complete idiot!!!
James: Stop calling me names!! You have no regards for my feelings whatsoever you horrid old hag!!!
Jessie: *beginning to breathe fire*
Kate: *looking at them, now in boboland* Look at those two, always arguing. Why can’t we just all get along?
Disembodied Voice: Prepare for insanity. We are now entering Kate’s dream world.
*Jessie and James are sat in a field of roses. For no apparent reason, Jessie is wearing a suit and James is wearing a dress.*
Jessie: More tea Mr Pasquale?
James: After you Miss O’Brien.
Jessie: Let me feed you a chocolate.
James: Oooooooh!
Jessie: You know, I’ve always secretly loved you. You know that, don’t you?
James: Oh Jessie, my heart’s one desire!
Nora: *waking up Kate* Jessie’s team win with 180!!!!
Barlow:…that lovely Nora, how I adore her…even though she is confused.
Kate: For winning our amazing quiz show, Jessie and Joy win their very own reindeer!
Barlow: R-R-R-R-reindeer????!!!!!!! Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!
Kate: Don’t worry, it’s safely locked away.
Barlow: *breathing sigh of relief* Thank God…HIT IT NORA!!!
Nora: *turning on stereo*
*theme tune starts up*
Barlow: *singing* That was our show and now it’s all done
Kate: *also singing* Gonna get us a coffee and a little sticky bun
Barlow: Joy and Jenny were really quite cool
Kate: But yet again James just looked like a fool
Barlow: The end draws near and we have to go
Kate: But don’t forget to watch Kate and Barlow!
Barlow: Put your tellys into hibernation for a while. There’s nothing else worth watching until next week, when our special guests will be Pingu and Mika!
Kate: See ya next week!!!
All: Byeee!!
Disembodied Voice: The plane is now landing. Thank you for flying with us. We hope you have a wonderful stay where ever your destination may be, and remember: be careful retrieving your luggage as during the flight it may have shifted, and might fall on you or your neighbour’s head, and knock you out til kingdom come. Or at least until next week’s show.
Kate and Barlow: Don’t forget to watch Kate and Barlow!
Barlow: …I think I just threw up in my mouth a lil bit…
