Rating: PG. Wow! This was very nearly a G, but I used the word crap so…oh well.
Notes: Some nice sickly sweet rocketshippyness! Enjoy!
Some Kind of Nothing
It’s a funny thing, what I’m feeling right now, and I’m not sure I could name it; because in the end words have a limit to what they can tell, what they can mean. What is this, that makes me shiver every time we touch? What is this that thrills me and chills me all at once? What is this that keeps me awake at night? And why am I so afraid of it?
Who would sell their soul for love?
Or waste one tear on compromise
I’m not for these feelings. It’s easier to be hard, easier to push away, than to let in, to open up. I’ve known the pain of loss, and it hurts too much to risk again. So this is nothing. I am strong, and I am hard. I can take the holding back, that’s what I ‘m good at. I can’t take the letting go. So this, what I’m feeling, this is nothing. Nothing.
Should be easy enough
To know a heartache in disguise
But then I look at you. You’re just sitting there, clueless as ever to this, to me. You’re reading, being the hidden intellectual behind the dumb mask, just being you. I’m caught between wanting to have you’re company, taking the risk, or just standing here, ignoring it, doing something else to take my mind off it. This nothing is starting to get on my nerves.
But the heart rules the mind
And the going gets rough
Maybe if I just close my eyes and lie down it will go away. Nope. Doesn’t work. I really, really want to go over there, just to sit next to you, just to get that thrill, that very addictive thrill. I move towards you. Here goes nothing.
“James?”
Pride takes the fall
When you find that kind of love.
***
You’re behind me, watching me. I’m sitting here, reading…well, reading in theory. There are words, my eyes see them, my brain acknowledges them, but they have no meaning. It is incredibly off-putting having you just standing there. Are you watching me? And am I daring enough to look round and see for myself. Everything’s strange since these feelings started. Why do they have to ruin this? Why can’t I just be satisfied with what we have? I’m with you every living moment, but I want more. This thing I’m feeling; what is this? Nothing, I tell myself. Nothing is dumb. I want a doughnut.
I can't help feeling like a fool
Since I lost that place inside
Things used to be so simple. I was the kid; you were the grown up. I let you lead, and we trusted each other. We were friends, just friends, and that was all I wanted, all I thought there was. Then this. It blinds you. Things are so much easier when you can see where you’re going.
Where my heart knew its way
And my soul was ever wise
You know what they say; so young, so dumb. Things change. And now I have to hide. It’s painful, and lonely. It would be so much easier to just tell you, but I don’t think you feel the same…and I can’t lose you.
Once innocence was lost
There was not faith enough
“James?” I nearly jump five foot in the air.
“Y-yes, Jessie?” You seat yourself beside me, and I have to stop myself from doing something rash; either pulling you into my arms and telling you everything, or running for the hopefully not too distant hills. Either way, I would be likely to invoke the wrath of the mallet.
“Are you okay?” I must have a somewhat distressed look on my face if you’re asking me that, so I smile.
“I’m fine.”
“What are you reading?” Urrm…what am I reading? I don’t know, the words have been passing through my head for the past fifteen minutes without ever warranting meaning. I quickly check the front of the book… oh you’ve got to be kidding me. I try to pick up a random book in hopes of appearing intellectual and carefree at the same time, and guess what the random book is. I cringe.
“Cosmopolitan.”
“What? Why are you reading that?” Think fast, James.
“I was interested to know what errr… females looked for in a man…” Crap, crap, crap.
You get this strange look on your face, this glint in your eyes. Surprise? Hope? And I share in it for a moment. Are you feeling this nothing too?
Still my heart held on
When it found that kind of love
***
You’re strange, I’ll give you that, strangely beautiful. Is nothing all we’re really feeling?
Though beauty is rare enough
Still we trust
Somehow we'll find it there
***
Can I dare to hope? Is there just a chance, that nothing is everything between us?
With no guarantee
It seems to me
At least it should be fair
***
It’s like we’re frozen, our eyes locked. Something is passing between us, but whether it’s enough is another thing. Can it lead us to where I think we both want to go? And am I still too afraid of the pain, the sweet, sweet pain?
But if it's only tears and pain
Isn't it still worth the cost
You reach out to touch my hand, and our fingers twine together.
“Why would you want to know that?” I ask, barely above a whisper.
“Just curious, I guess.” He smiles, and I feel my heart race. We lean inadvertently into each other. Can we take the next step?
Like some sweet saving grace
Or a river we must cross
***
I slide my arm around her waist, and we slowly edge closer, until I can feel her breath on my skin. My heart races, and I’ m on some kind of automatic pilot now.
If we don't understand
What this life is made of
There’s no going back now, because there’s no denying what we’re about to do.
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love
***
This is it… this is the moment I’ve most feared and longed for, for God knows how long… and now it’s finally happening.
Cause when innocence is lost
There is not faith enough
***
“Come on, youse two! Nap times over!” Damn it. Meowth just has to turn up at this very moment. He stomps into the camp without a care in the world…doesn’t even guess what’s been going on…what was nearly going on. You quickly stand up, fear and disappointment in your eyes. There’s longing there too. I see it clearly. You’re not trying to hide it any more.
***
I wish with everything I am that he hadn’t come…but he has, and we can’t go back now.
***
But now we know what we’re both feeling, even if we haven’t said it.
***
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love
***
A little more than some kind of nothing…
The End
Wasn’t that an annoying ending? Good? Or exceedingly trash? Send me feedback people! I’m free_tree@moose-mail.com!
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