Disclaimer: Still don’t own anything, please don’t sue me. I don’t own the fab Team Rocket, I don’t own the not-so-fab twerps, I don’t own Jessebelle, I don’t own Pokemon, I don’t own B*Witched (if they are still alive), I don’t own Will and Grace, I don’t own the Ghostbusters song… Oh wait, I do own something…the one and only Dominic, named after a friend of mine (I'm so sorry Dom if you ever read this, no offence was meant…seriously)
Part One: The Art of Twerp Busting
“Prepare for trouble!”
“Make it double!”
“Oh for goodness’ sake!” moaned Ash. “Can’t one day go by without us being pestered by that trio of failures?!”
“Pika, pikachu,” said Pikachu. (You’d think after the last fifty thunder-shocks they’d have learnt their lesson…their brains are truly fried)
“What I don’t get is why all three of them have to come,” Brock said, squinting at them. “I mean, I can get Meowth, he’s the mascot.”
“Am not!” yelled Meowth indignantly.
“But why do both of the others have to come? It would only take one of them to screw up, and we’d waste less time and energy making them blast off,” Brock continued. He sighed. “It just don’t add up!”
“Well you know Jessie and James,” shrugged Misty. “They’re a package. You don’t get one without the other.”
“Pika,” muttered Pikachu. (Unfortunately)
“When you’re quite finished!” shouted James.
“We’re trying to do our motto here!” yelled Jessie, bringing out an extra big frying pan and hitting all three of the twerps. Pikachu of course, managed to get out of the way.
“Pikachu,” said Pikachu. (Learn to duck, twerps)
“That’s right Pikachu! Let’s get ‘em!” said Ash, springing to his feet and turning his hat around.
“Pi, pikachu, pika, pika,” said Pikachu, rolling its eyes. (What is it with the stupid hat?! It’s not like you do any of the work anyway. How does the hat help?) After thinking, the yellow mouse added, “Pi, pikachu.” (And your head needs looking at if you translated ‘learn to duck’ as ‘let’s get ‘em’)
“Pikachu, thundershock!”
“Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!” (Ping) Ash sighed and sat down on the ground.
“If only there was a way of getting rid of them completely,” he said. “I could have beaten the Elite Four long ago if they didn’t keep interrupting me with their stupid plans.”
“I could’ve become a Pokemon breeder,” Brock said.
“And I could’ve bought my own bike instead of pestering you two with my annoying bug fearing presence for all this time,” Misty said.
“Togi, togipree!” said Togepi, waggling its stupid little arms. (I could have had a competent trainer and whooped Pikachu’s butt in battle)
“Pi, pikachu,” said Pikachu, glaring darkly at the little egg Pokemon. (I could have scrambled egg for breakfast) They all sighed, except Togepi, who looked very frightened, and didn’t sleep at all that night.
********************
“But this time our plan was flawless!” moaned James. “How did we end up losing again?!”
“You say every plan is flawless, and we always get shocked!” yelled Jessie, thwacking him with a fan.
“In both senses of da word,” muttered Meowth. “I can’t believe you actually expected it ta work. I mean, dressin’ up as B*Witched? Dey disappeared years ago.”
“I thought they were dead,” said Jessie thoughtfully.
“Dat would be nice,” said Meowth. “If dey were truly dead, I wouldn’t have ta listen ta James play their album every night when you’re asleep.” James blushed and sweat dropped.
“Is that true?!” screamed Jessie.
“Well…that blonde one was pretty cute…” said James, earning himself another hit on the head.
“And den singing ta the twerps? What was dat sposed ta do?!” asked Meowth.
“It’s simple really. While they marvelled at my talent for singing in an Irish accent, you were supposed to swipe the yellow rat,” James explained patiently.
“That is the crappiest plan I have ever heard, including some of the stuff you mutter in your sleep about Nidokings and Jigglypuffs,” said Jessie.
“Don’t even go dere,” said Meowth. He watched aimlessly as Jessie delivered more brain cell killing blows to the side of James’ head. It was gonna be a long night…
********************
“I’ve got it!” yelled Ash, sitting upright in his sleeping bag. His ‘friends’ groaned.
“Got what?” asked Brock, squinting at him.
“Syphilis? The time? Pizza?” asked Misty, not appreciating being woken up at three in the morning. She paused and then added, “If it’s syphilis or pizza, good. But I don’t need a watch to know IT’S TOO FREAKIN EARLY!!!!”
“Listen to me guys. What I just thought up will get rid of Team Rocket for good!” said Ash.
“Pika?” asked Pikachu. (For good?)
“Togi?” asked Togepi. (You serious?) Misty and Brock looked at one another.
“We’re listening,” they both said, propping up their heads with their hands and looking at Ash.
“O.K. guys, listen to this…”
********************
“Another beeootiful day,” said Meowth, yawning and stretching. He looked over to his partners and saw that their sleeping bags were close…to close. Plus he had a sneaky suspicion that James’s hand hadn’t gotten that near to Jessie’s butt by accident. “Wake up youse two; it’s time to twerp bust!”
“If there’s something weird
In the neighbourhood
Who you gonna call?
Twerp busters!
If there’s something strange
And it don’t look good
Who you gonna call?
Twerp busters!”
“Enough of the singing Meowth, we’re up already!” moaned James, removing his hand from Jessie’s butt. Meowth blinked.
“I wasn’t singin’,” he said. “I figured it was one of youse two.”
“Nuh-uh,” said Jessie, shaking her head so hard that her hair tumbled all over her face. “Oops,” she giggled. James brushed it away from her face and looked into her eyes…
“Oh get a room,” said Meowth irritably. James sheepishly took his hand away, both of them sweat dropping like there was no tomorrow. Jessie scrambled over to her hair and make-up bag, which was by no stretch of the imagination small, and pulled out a family sized can of hair spray. She was soon busy with the immense job of spraying her thick red hair back into a gravity defying curl.
“So what’s the plan for today?” sighed Meowth, resigning himself to his fate.
“Well, first we buy a lovely bunch of coconuts…” began James. Jessie looked up from her mirror. Sometimes James was worryingly gay. In fact, if things kept going the way they were, she was considering taking him to an audition for Will and Grace…
********************
“Are you sure this is such a good idea Ash?” Misty asked doubtfully as they walked up the garden path. “Don’t you remember what happened with Jessebelle?”
“I do,” said Brock dreamily. “Whips…”
“Misty, do you really care how this turns out? It’s bound to be entertaining and/or have comedic value,” said Ash. “Bonus: no more Team Rocket, or at least only half.”
“Two thirds,” corrected Misty snobbishly. “And I still think it’s a rubbish plan, plus a really mean thing to do. We’re talking about wrenching two people apart Ash!”
“Three,” he shot back. “And who cares? They’re evil. It’s not like they feel anything.” Misty rolled her eyes. They reached the door and Ash knocked loudly.
“Coming!” called a voice from within. A middle aged blonde haired woman opened the door. “Can I help you?”
“I really hope so,” said Brock, blushing to high heaven and grasping her hand. “And may I just say that you have a beautiful—” He was interrupted as Misty grabbed his ear and lead him away, kicking and screaming, “Not the ear! Not the ear!”
“Erm, we were wondering if we could speak to your son Dominic?” said Ash, trying to ignore his ‘friends’.
“I’ll just get him,” said the woman smiling. She turned to the open door and yelled, “DOMINIC! YOU’VE GOT COMPANY!!!” A really tall teenage boy came to the door. “I’ll leave you in peace,” said Dominic’s mum, leaving Ash and Dominic alone on the step, with Brock and Misty wrestling behind them. Ash gave an evil grin and said, “Hi Dom. Remember me?”
“Erm…no…” said Dom in a deep voice. “Am I supposed to?”
“No, we just picked your name at random from a large frying pan,” said Ash “Goodnight Dom.” Ash brought out said frying pan and hit Dom very hard. He slumped to the ground. Pikachu looked with satisfaction at his unconscious body.
“Pi, pika,” Pikachu said. (I have taught him well) Ash also looked at Dom and gave what may gave been the beginnings of an evil laugh.
Part Two: Scary British Clones
“Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!” (Ping) Ash dusted off his hands and put his cap back the right way.
“O.K…now let’s get down to business,” he said. Misty and Brock exchanged a squinty glance. The last few days had brought out a scary, professional side of their ‘friend’. He wasn’t so monosyllabic for a start, and he seemed to have had a brain transplant and/or a growth spurt. Whatever, his voice was definitely deeper and his manner a lot more civilised. And they had also begun to notice that Pikachu was not quite as cute as they’d always thought.
“Bring him out Pikachu,” Ash commanded his little yellow rat.
“Pika, pi,” grumbled Pikachu. (Yes sir, right away sir) He walked over to a recently acquired tent and brought out Dominic, who was tied up in what appeared to be his own shoelaces. Ash brought out a small tape recorder and spoke into it. “Note to self: acquire rope.”
“How long are you intending on keeping me here?” asked Dom. “Only, my mum might figure out that you’ve kidnapped me…eventually. And then you’ll be in trouble!”
“Ooh, I'm so fwightened,” said Ash, rolling his eyes. “And you’ll stay here until you’ve learnt exactly what your role is in my ‘Obliterate Team Rocket Plan’.”
“Has he swallowed a dictionary or something?” Misty whispered to Brock.
“No, but he keeps talking to me like I'm his servant or something! When I’ve stuck by him all these years, even though we never seem to age! I’d like to shove a dictionary up his—”
“And…what is that role again?” asked Dom, looking confused.
“Oh for goodness’ sake,” sighed Ash, looking very annoyed. “I explained it to you yesterday.”
“Ash, he was unconscious yesterday!” Misty reminded him.
“Oh yeah,” said Ash, seeming to slip back into his old ways again. Then he shook his head and said, “You are the key factor in my plan. You are the one who will determine if my plan shall succeed, or whether it will be as much a failure as something Team Rocket thought up. And I am not a failure.”
Dom gulped. “O…O.K…”
“Right, now listen very closely,” Ash said, moving away from Dom and towards a clipboard that had miraculously appeared out of nowhere (ah the powers of cool and funky Japanese animation!). He got out a pointer and gestured to the stickmen drawn on the first page. “This is you, and this is Jessie.”
“Me... Jessie…O.K., I think I’ve got that part. Is Jessie cute?” Dom asked, squinting at the badly drawn stick person with a lot of red hair. “Only, from those drawings, you can’t really tell.”
“Pikachu!” Pikachu said. (Hey! I drew them!)
********************
“Another failure!” groaned Meowth, trying to untangle himself from Arbok. “How many is dat now?”
“I’ve lost count,” said Jessie, muffled from underneath James. “James, get off me! You’re supposed to land on the bottom!”
“Sorry Jess,” James said indistinctly, with his head in Victreebell’s mouth. “Victreebell, return!”
“Returning Arbok would be a good idea Jessie!” said Meowth. The snake seemed very unwilling to let go of the small cat, and Meowth was slowly turning purple in his grip.
“Arbok, return!” Jessie commanded. Then she turned on James. “And you! If you think of one more plan like that, I’ll have to think of something very interesting to do to you!” Jessie stormed off after giving James a lump on his head.
“Ooh!” said James excitedly. Then he realised that the pain in his head meant that whatever Jessie was planning was probably not good. “Oh. Ouch,” he said, thinking of a million different situations, all involving Jessie hitting him with a very large and/or heavy object.
********************
“By Jove I think he’s got it!” cried Ash. His accent had slowly developed from scary to British and scary.
“By Jove I think I have!” cried Dom, demonstrating the perfect use of a whip. “And it feels grand!”
“Oh God…” whispered Misty. She and Brock had taken refuge behind a large boulder. “It’s the attack of the Ash clones.”
“Togepi doesn’t seem to mind,” Brock pointed out. Togepi was presently with Pikachu, and both of them had their own mini whips.
“Yeah…” said Misty. She shrugged. “I don’t care. I just don’t find him cute anymore.”
“And Pikachu is just getting scary,” said Brock. “Earlier today he tried to bite me.”
“If this gets much worse, I…I may have to leave Ash!” sobbed Misty into Brock’s shoulder. He patted her on the back tenderly.
“There, there,” he said comfortingly. “Don’t worry. If Ash doesn’t stop being a plant pot we can always go and join Team Rocket!” Misty looked much happier at the thought of this. Even Team Rocket seemed attractive after a long day of watching Ash and clones parade around with whips.
“And you know what?” she said to Brock as more whips cracked. “I always really liked Gary better anyway.”
********************
Jessie stared up at the sky. She just couldn’t sleep that night, hard as she tried. James popped his head out of their battered tent.
“Jessie?” He wandered over to her. “Are you alright?”
“I'm…O.K., I guess.” Jessie sighed and looked at her partner. “I just keep getting this really bad feeling…I think something bad is gonna happen…soon.” James looked a bit surprised at this.
“You sound like a psychic when you say stuff like that. Are you?” James looked confused. Jessie looked affectionately at her friend.
“No of course not,” she reassured him. “I tell you everything, right?”
“Right.” James looked a bit uncomfortable. “Anyway, coming back to bed?”
“In a minute,” said Jessie distractedly, turning her gaze back on the sky. Something lightly touched her cheek, something soft and warm.
“No, now.” James walked back to the tent. Jessie stared after him in wonder. And did as he said.
********************
“Today’s the day chaps! Operation Obliterate Team Rocket is now in progress!” Ash’s cheery British voice rang around the twerps’ campsite. Dom poked his head out of his tent, crying, “Yippee!” Misty looked at Brock sleepily.
“Why is he so happy? He’s been kidnapped!” she asked him.
“I don’t know and I don’t care. Have you any idea what time it is?!” asked Brock. They had had to share a tent that night. Ash had stolen the other one, and they got the suspicion he was still plotting. It was too scary. So was sharing a tent with someone of the opposite sex, but Misty and Brock figured that if Jessie and James could do it, they could do it.
“Seeing as we’ll be joining Team Rocket any minute now, we might as well get some practice,” Brock had said.
“It’s eight o’clock, so time to get up anyway,” Misty said, clambering out of her sleeping bag.
“The later we get up, the less time we have to spend with scary British Ash,” Brock complained.
“He’s got a very long whip,” Misty pointed out. Brock decided to get up.
Part Three: Beck-ingham Palace
Disclaimer: I don’t own Beck-ingham Palace but I wish I did…
“Just run dis past me again,” said Meowth, looking confused. Jessie and James sighed.
“It’s simple really. I dress up as a helpless young woman and—”
“Yeah, yeah, I got da cross dressing part. But why are we going ta Avonlea City?” asked Meowth.
“Well obviously I need a new dress,” said James.
“Yeah…sure,” said Meowth sarcastically. “I think dis is just another excuse ta satisfy your transvestite needs.”
“It’s essential to the plan! The twerps are thick, but even they might recognise a dress James has worn before!” yelled Jessie in frustration. Meowth could see she was close to the pan, so he dropped it. He looked around interestedly. Avonlea City wasn’t such a bad place. Plenty of shiny things…
“Hey Jess, look!” cried Meowth, pointing to a lamp post in a deserted lane. He ran up to it and pointed. A picture of a young girl with very red hair was stuck on it. “She looks…”
“Just like…” James said, peering at the photo.
“Me!” said Jessie. “Me, in all my youthful beauty! But…why is it here?”
“It says underneath that…oh.” James stopped abruptly as he read the sign.
“Oh what?” asked Jessie, roughly shoving him out of the way. “’Have you seen this girl blah blah blah missing for seven years blah blah blah fiancé searching for her blah bl—FIANCE???!!!”
“You never said you had a fiancé too!” said James, looking a bit betrayed.
“I…I didn’t know…Dominic…that’s a pretty name. Shame they didn’t include a picture of him,” Jessie mused, reading the description of her again. “BAD TEMPERED??!!! I AM NOT BAD TEMPERED!!!” Meowth looked at his team mates then threw himself to the floor in confusion and despair.
********************
Unknown to our heroes, deep within the Avonlea City bushes Scary British Ash, Scary British Dom, Scary British Pikachu, Scary British Togepi and a very scared Misty and Brock watched them as they read the sign on the lamp post.
“Perfect,” whispered Ash. “They’ve taken the bait. Now Dominic, go!”
Dominic sprang from the bushes, wearing jodhpurs (God only knows why), a smart black jacket and carrying a very long whip. He approached Team Rocket, who were still absorbed in the weirdo sign. Dom stood next to them and looked at the picture, giving a huge sigh.
“That’s my fiancée, Jessica,” he said, pointing to the picture. “She disappeared some years ago. I tried to find her but…she seems to have vanished. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again.” He turned away, looking dejected. Jessie and James blinked at each other.
“That must be him!” James hissed to Jessie. She looked a bit spaced.
“That’s Dominic?” she asked breathlessly, forgetting to whisper.
“Hmm?” asked Dom, turning back round to face them. “Oh…hi.”
“Hi,” echoed Jessie dreamily. James wondered what was the matter with her. Dom looked in faked amazement at Jessie (what an actor).
“Why…you…you look just like,” he stuttered. “Jessica…I found you at last!” Dom laughed and rushed forwards, hugging Jessie tightly, with Jessie giving very little resistance. Meowth decided it was time to pick himself off the ground and stop crying.
“What did I miss?” he asked James. James looked absolutely furious. “What’s up with you, Jim?”
“That’s Dominic,” James said grumpily. “And Jessie seems to be getting along with him just swell.” Dom let go of Jessie and looked at James.
“Oh no. I'm…too late,” he said.
“Too late for what?” asked Jessie.
“Well…you’ve already found a boy friend,” Dom said, pointing rather rudely at James.
“WHY DOES EVERYBODY THINK THAT?!!” screamed Jessie. “WE’RE JUST FRIENDS!!”
“You are?” asked Dom, looking happier.
“We are,” confirmed James, looking miserable.
“Well then…I'm sorry, this must have come as a bit of a shock,” Dom said, laughing.
“You’re telling me,” muttered James.
“Me-owth,” said poor Meowth.
“Why don’t we go back to my place? I can explain there.” Dom offered his arm to Jessie, and she took it, blushing furiously. James sulked behind with Meowth, who had now got a Psyduck-sized headache.
********************
When Dom and Team Rocket were out of sight, the twerps stumbled out of the bushes. Misty’s hair was full of leaves and Brock had dirt in his eyes…not that you could tell. Somehow Ash had managed to keep clean, and had even substituted his hat and scruffed up hair style for a neat, slicked back with grease style.
“I'm starting to miss the hat,” Misty said to Brock, trying to shake the leaves out of her orange spikes.
“Hell yeah,” agreed Brock. “I really don’t like this side of him.”
“I'm not sure I like any side of him,” said Misty. Brock gave her ‘the look’. “Well…maybe a little.”
“Stop chattering!” Ash commanded. “Let us follow Dominic to ensure everything goes as planned!”
“Pi, pikachu,” said Pikachu. (Move it, twerps!) He cracked his mini whip at Misty. She squealed, and Brock ran between them to protect her.
“Just leave her alone O.K.?!” he said to the little yellow rat. Pikachu didn’t look impressed. Brock tried a different approach. “All my Pokemon are rock types, therefore you can’t shock them. They’ll crush your tiny rodent bones into oblivion.” Pikachu ran to Ash, shivering pitifully.
“T-thanks,” said Misty. “I didn’t know Pikachu could be so…vicious.” They followed Ash and the whip bearing Pokemon. Togepi lagged behind, it’s small egg-like body not able to move fast enough to catch up.
“Togi!” Togepi called to Misty. (Carry me! I’ll be nice!)
“No way!” Misty walked a bit faster. Togepi looked depressed. Brock rubbed his eyes to try and get rid of the dirt.
“Dammit! I can barely see a thing!” he yelled. Misty just looked at him.
********************
“This is your house? This is where you live?!” asked Jessie as they approached a house that could rival Beck-ingham Palace. “This is amazing!”
“Isn’t it though? My parents just died in a ‘freak accident’ so I own the lot. I still can’t believe you don’t remember me!” said Dom, who was ignoring James and Meowth completely.
“I'm sorry, I just can’t remember that far back,” said Jessie apologetically. Dom sighed and shrugged.
“It was a long time ago,” he admitted. “We were only tiny, tiny babies. Before your parents…well, yeah, a long time ago.”
“Can we go in?” asked Meowth, head ache gone to make way for stomach. “I'm hungry!”
“Yeah sure, come and have dinner with me.” Dom pressed a code into an electronic panel and the huge iron gates swung open. They all walked up to the house, Jessie still hanging onto Dom’s arm. James looked truly depressed now.
“Come and have dinner with me blah blah blah, I'm so British, give me love,” he muttered, wishing he had the power to pull weapons out of thin air. This house, this mansion, reminded him of the home he wanted to forget. And now maybe Jessie would marry this Dominic…what would happen to him? Would he be able to live without Jessie? Would he even want to try? James sighed and started planning suicides, just in case.
So just how far is Ash willing to go to split Team Rocket up? Will Jessie discover the truth about the mysterious Dom? Will Ash learn that crime so does not pay? Will Officer Jenny bother to turn up, and will Brock have a spasm if she does? Will Togepi do what everyone really wants and get scrambled? Will James need to invest in the book of bunny suicides for ideas? And will we ever know how a penniless twerp managed to get hold of his own Beck-ingham Palace? And the ultimate question: does anyone even care? Find out next time in Something Amiss!!
Don’t look at me like that, I just had a spaz. Big endings are all the rage…right?
Part Four: Baffled, Bothered and Bewildered
Disclaimer: I don’t own Nurse Joy or her string bikini. But hey, finally something I do own! I own Spasm, the ultimate static twitching Pokemon!
Notes: Spasm was inspired by my bestest mate and the original spaz, Kimmi. And the title is a rip off of Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered, a Buffy episode and one of my personal faves.
“Brock! Wake up!” Misty reached over and prodded her squinty friend.
“You know I like it like that…oh yeah…you know I like it like that…” mumbled Brock sleepily. He opened his eyes (not that you could tell) to see Misty had been prodding him, not Nurse Joy in a string bikini. He sweat dropped and blushed. “Urm…hi Misty…”
“It’s time! Let’s go before anyone hears us.” Misty wriggled out of her sleeping bag fully clothed. Brock did the same and grabbed a torch. They crept outside, trying not to make too much noise. Brock tripped over Psyduck who had been sleeping outside their tent and Misty clapped a hand over his mouth to stop him swearing.
“Psy-aye-aye?” asked Psyduck. (What the hell?)
“Psyduck! Get back in here!” whispered Misty, holding out a Pokéball. “Return!” They tip-toed over to the electronic gates that surrounded Dominic’s Beck-ingham Palace. Misty expertly punched in the correct code. As they slid silently open Brock looked at her in surprise.
“Ash gave you the code?” he asked.
“No, but it’s easy enough. Ash told me he changed it every day,” said Misty. Brock didn’t look any the wiser. “Brock, what’s the date today?”
“16th of May.”
“And what code did I just put in?” asked Misty patiently.
“1605,” answered Brock, still confused. Misty looked at him. “I still don’t get how Ash remembers it!” Misty sighed.
“Come on. Let’s find Jessie and James,” she said. Seeing that Brock was still confused, she grabbed his hand and pulled him inside before the gates closed again. “Come on!” They ran down the drive together, and started their search for Ash-relief.
********************
“Let me get this straight. You two,” said Jessie.
“You two twerps that have been making our lives a living hell,” added James.
“Hey! Our lives haven’t been too great since you started bugging us either!” Misty protested.
“But you two want to join Team Rocket? That’s ridiculous. Group laugh!” All three members threw back their heads and laughed. Brock and Misty waited patiently until they had finished.
“Yes,” Brock confirmed. “We really do want to join. Ash has been making our lives hell. He was the one who sent Dominic to split you up.” Jessie looked at Brock as though he had gone insane.
“Have you gone insane?! My Dominic, sent by your twerpy leader? That’s crazy,” said Jessie, folding her arms.
“O.K., one, Ash is not our leader. Two, stop calling us twerps as we came in good faith. Three, we’re not crazy, Dom is all part of some plan that Ash thought up,” said Misty.
“And four, who cares? All we want is to join Team Rocket and get the hell away from Ash until he gets this stupid plan out of his system,” said Brock. Jessie, James and Meowth exchanged glances. Then they smiled.
“You can’t become permanent members,” said Jessie.
“That takes time, paperwork, money and possibly donuts,” explained James.
“But you could become…” said Meowth.
“Temporary members!” they all said together. Brock and Misty looked at each other.
“That’s good enough for us,” they said together. James looked impressed by their ability to talk at the same time.
“You’re good,” he said. “Wait a sec…what did you say about Dom being part of the head twerp’s plan?” Misty rolled her eyes.
“Thank you for paying such good attention,” she said. “Ash got really fed up of you three bugging him all the time, so he made up this plan that he likes to call ‘Obliterate Team Rocket’. His theory is that if he gets rid of Jessie, the others would lose heart eventually.”
“Being incapable of thinking up an original plan,” Brock went on. “He decided to invent a fiancé for Jessie, seeing as Jessebelle”—James shuddered—“nearly split you up last time.”
“Now do you believe us?” they asked together.
“Yes,” said James and Meowth.
“No, no, no,” insisted Jessie. “I will not believe such lies. Dominic has been searching for me since I ran away to join Team Rocket, and now he’s found me. We’re going to have such a beautiful wedding.” Jessie clasped her hands and flew off into her own imaginary world. James looked at her unhappily.
“She’s been like this since she saw this place,” he said. “She never lived in a fancy house; she never had everything she deserved. That’s why she believes so firmly that this is fate, that this is meant to be hers. This is everything she’s ever wanted; everything that I…the team…couldn’t give to her.” Misty and Brock looked at James in wonder.
“You really care about her, don’t you?” Brock asked him.
“She’s my best friend, of course I do,” said James stiffly. Misty sighed. “Ash is such an idiot. He’s gonna make their lives a misery,” she said to Brock. “We should help them.” Brock nodded.
“Let’s do it…for the team,” he said. James grinned.
“Let’s get you two some uniforms…”
********************
When Ash awoke the next morning, he found that Brock and Misty had gone. He didn’t really care. They were beginning to piss him off anyway. And with them and Team Rocket out of the way, it was only a matter of days before he became a Pokemon Master. He got out a small walkie-talkie. “Dominic? Are you ready? Good. Uh-huh. Begin phase two. Over and out.” He put the little radio away and whistled a tune to himself. Not long now. He heard a whip crack in the distance and smiled. Things really were going exceedingly well.
********************
“Help! Jessie help me!!” James ran around the room as Dominic chased him with a very large whip. Jessie didn’t particularly seem to mind. She was flicking through Tomorrow’s Bride for wedding dresses. They were all so pretty! However would she choose?
“Jessie! Help!” James collapsed in a heap next to her, panting furiously. Dom ran up to him, but unfortunately he was also not in peak physical condition.
“I’ve had enough of this! Go…Spasm!” Dom flung forth a Pokéball. Out popped a very small Pokemon that was twitching so fast you couldn’t actually see what it looked like. It was just a little pink blur.
“What’s dat?!” laughed Meowth.
“It’s the dumbest Pokemon I’ve ever seen! What damage is that gonna do?!” asked James, looking in disbelief at the small pink blur. It suddenly started crackling with static electricity. “Uh-oh…”
“Spasm! Static shock attack!” Spasm leapt forward and attached itself to James, making James yelp in pain. He started twitching and crackling with static electricity in a very disturbing manner, his hair standing up on end. Meowth rolled on the floor in helpless laughter as Spasm finally let poor James go. James lay on the ground, still twitching. Then Spasm turned on Meowth. Meowth stopped laughing.
“AAAAHHHH! Jessie, help Me-owth!!!”
********************
“Phase two is complete sir. James and Meowth are safely stored in the broom closet.”
“Good Dominic. Now I think I should make an entrance. I have acquired a licence; therefore I will be able to perform the ceremony.”
“Very good sir.”
“Over and out.”
So will Dom and Jessie finally get hitched? Or will there be a hitch in the ceremony? Will we ever find out how Ash got a licence and Beck-ingham Palace? And the ultimate question: who cares?
Next time on Something Amiss…Prepare for problems! and the rest of Misty and Brock’s crappy motto. Also, two other Team Rocket members make an appearance: Kate and Barlow! Great names…who the hell thought that up?
Part Five: Twisted Rockets
Dom knelt down at Jessie’s feet.
“Jessica…I know technically we’re already engaged…but I wanna do this right…” Jessie looked thrilled. This is it she thought. But oddly she felt a slightest twinge of loss…like something was missing.
“The past few days have been the best in my life. After all these years of searching you are all and more of what I thought you would be. And Jessie…” Dom held up a little black box that sprung open to reveal a beautiful diamond ring. “…will you marry me?” Jessie’s heart thumped in her chest as she looked at the ring.
“Oh Dominic…” she breathed. “Of course I’ll marry you!” Dom slid the ring onto her finger and kissed her. Through a crack in the broom closet door, James watched. He would not let Meowth see, but a tear rolled down his cheek…
“The stage is set,” murmured Ash, who had been watching the whole thing through a camera Dom had planted in the room. “My plan is almost complete…”
********************
“If there is anyone here who knows why this couple should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.” Ash said the fateful words and held his breath. Make or break time. Amazingly there was no interruptions. “You may—”
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” James burst in the door. “Right you two, go!” He moved aside to show two more figures stood in the doorway.
“Prepare for trouble!”
“Make it double!” Ash groaned. He knew those voices all too well.
“To protect the world from scary Brits!”
“To swoon over chicks that are really fit!”
“To denounce the evils of faking weddings!” Jessie gasped.
“To extend our reach to the highest heavens!”
“Misty!” Misty stepped out of the shadows.
“Brock!” Brock stepped after her. They were both wearing full Team Rocket uniforms.
“Team Rocket temps, trying to do what’s right!”
“Surrender now or we’ll punch out your lights!”
“Meow—”
“Psy…duck!” Psyduck popped out in front of Meowth and got a scratch.
“Dat’s my line!” Meowth yelled furiously. Then he turned on Misty and Brock. “And weddings does not rhyme with heavens!”
“Well you try finding something to rhyme with weddings!” said Misty huffily. “We did our best. Now let’s get him!”
“Go…Officer Jenny!” Jessie and James screamed, and Ash turned very pale.
“You called the cops?!” James asked. He turned to Jessie. “Let’s get out of here!” But Jessie was staring at Dom with a murderous look on her face.
“Fake…weddings?!” Dom backed away, but it was too late. Bringing out all three of her famous weapons, Jessie clobbered Dom for all he was worth. James grinned. It was nice to see Jessie hitting someone other than him for a change.
“Come on, let’s go!” And with that, Jessie, James and not forgetting Meowth, ran off into the sunset.
Officer Jenny burst in and grabbed hold of Ash, who had been trying to hide behind his whip.
“You’re under arrest for the kidnapping of this innocent boy! You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say may be used as evidence…” Misty and Brock smiled.
“I could get used to Team Rocket, couldn’t you?” Misty asked her partner.
“I could get used to working with you,” said Brock in a rush, blushing furiously. Misty smiled.
“Come on; let’s get out of here before Officer Jenny wonders why we’re in Team Rocket uniforms.” They ran out of the church, staying just long enough to see Ash being bundled into a police car with Pikachu, Togepi and their whips.
********************
“We didn’t appear in this story!” moaned Kate.
“What a let down!” said Barlow.
“And we didn’t even get to recite our motto of crap!” added Kate. The author sighed.
“O.K., maybe just as a big finish,” she said patiently. It was hard working with such demanding characters sometimes. “And I promise next time you’ll have a bigger part.”
“Involving rare candy?” asked Barlow, sneaking a perverted look at his partner.
“Involving rare candy,” agreed the author. “That could be entertaining and/or have comedic value I guess. Now do the motto so we can all go home.” Kate and Barlow grinned at each other.
“Prepare for trouble with a capital T!”
“We’re the Rockets no one wanted on TV!”
“Jessie and James are a tad overrated!”
“We come along and get a little X-rated!”
“We usually come off worst in a fight!”
“But give us a part and we’ll soon get it right!” The author sighed again. This line of crap was obviously pointed at her. Actors.
“Kate!”
“Barlow!”
“Team Rocket blast off at the speed off sound!”
“Things get horny when we’re around!”
“Spasm!” The author hit her own head with a mallet. Why did she give them a Spasm?! Stuff them, they were giving her spasms.
“You like?” asked Kate eagerly. The author looked at her innocent eyes and knew she had to do the only thing possible…lie.
“It was…something else,” she said. Kate and Barlow beamed. “Now clear out or feel the wrath of Mr Tube.”
“No, not Mr Tube!” screamed Kate.
“I have the sudden urge to scream ‘Potato potato!’…I just wish I knew why…” said Barlow thoughtfully. The author slapped them both.
“Just get lost!” Kate and Barlow ran away liked frightened Spasms. The author looked at her story. It was a dumb job, but someone had to do it. She shut down her computer and walked away…for now…
