Disclaimer: All I own is Kate, Barlow, Spasm and Dom. Nothing less, nothing more. Please don’t sue me.
Notes: Something Amiss is back! This is dedicated to Zelda, who has inspired me muchly in the realms of fanfic writing. I hope you didn’t mind me using your theories about rare candy ^_^. Even though due to serious editing they were all removed. Shame. Kate and Barlow were very upset that they barely appeared in the last fic, so I had to bring them back. Something Amiss 2 is set a few years in the future, when Ash’s sentence finishes. Things don’t get much worse.
Anyway, I hope you like the fic coz I had fun writing it. And without further ado, send in the clowns…
Part One: Stupid Cupid
“O.K. You’re free to go.” It was only a short sentence, but it meant a lot to Ash. After years of being locked up for kidnapping and the theft of Beck-ingham Palace (not to mention locking its inhabitants in a broom closet) he could finally feel the wind in his greased down hair. He flicked his whip. He was definitely out of practice, but no matter. There was time enough for that.
“Pika pikachu?” asked Pikachu. (So what’s the next plan to get rid of Team Rocket?) Ash yawned.
“Maybe we should lay low for a while,” he suggested. “It’s not wise to try another scheme quite so soon. I out of practice with the whip and my brain.”
“Pi pikachu?” persisted Pikachu. (Can’t we have some fun first?)
“I’ll think about it. I did have one thing in mind…but it would never work,” sighed Ash. “For that we’d need someone really stupid.” That was the part when Kate and Barlow fell from the sky and landed in a huge heap in the middle of the road.
********************
“Wow. I feel like Santa,” remarked Barlow, shouldering a sack of rare candy. Beside him Kate struggled with hers.
“Except without the beard,” she said thoughtfully.
“And those annoying poncy reindeers,” said Barlow angrily. Kate and the author sighed.
“Are you still mad about that?” asked the author. “I said I was sorry!”
“Well, how would you feel if you were nearly eaten by Rudolf’s cousins?!” said Barlow.
“It had comedic value!” explained the author. “And I really am sorry. Please forgive me Barlow.” Barlow sniffed.
“Well…I’ll think about it. But only as you apologised so nicely.”
“So what do we have to do again?” asked Kate, who had finally managed to lift her bag of candy.
“We just have to fill every container in Jessie and James’s flat at HQ with this stuff,” said Barlow. “And then plant these hidden cameras in every room.” He held up a number of wireless little cameras.
“And…why are we doing this again?” asked Kate as they approached Rocket HQ.
“I…don’t know. Because the scary British guy with the whip told us to?” suggested Barlow.
“Good enough,” said Kate as they walked into HQ.
********************
James stretched lazily. What a nice day. It got better when he remembered that today was their day off. “Hey Jessie? You up yet?” he asked his partner. He dodged as an early morning frying pan came his way. “Guess not…” He decided to check on Misty and Brock.
“Hey guys? It’s our day off,” he said, going into their tent. Misty and Brock groaned.
“So why are you in here bothering us?” asked Misty.
“Because we have to go back to HQ,” James reminded them. “If we get there before nine o’clock we get tomorrow off too.”
“Why do we have to go back to HQ?” asked Brock, sitting up and rubbing his non-existent eyes.
“The Boss said there were two new Rockets he wanted us to meet,” said James. “Kate and Barlow I think they were called.”
“They’re not new! They’ve been in Team Rocket for years!” said Misty.
“Well I never noticed them before. That’s new enough for me,” said James. “Now get up.” Brock and Misty groaned again. James had gotten a lot more domineering as he got older. Not as bad as Jessie, but still…He just wasn’t fun anymore. Maybe the day off would do him good. They pulled on their uniforms sleepily. Another day, another stupid storyline…
********************
Jessie, James, Brock, Misty and Meowth dragged themselves into Team Rocket HQ two minutes before nine o’clock. A girl with purple hair that was half tied back and half loose stood up.
“Hi. I'm Kate,” she introduced herself. “Get up Barlow! Be polite!” she hissed to her partner, poking hi in the ribs.
“Ow!” he complained, standing up next to her. He had very dark hair that almost reminded Jessie of Dominic’s. She suppressed a sigh. He had been a lying horrible toad…but God he was cute.
“Hi. I'm Barlow,” the guy mimicked his partner.
“I'm Misty, and this is Brock,” Misty said smiling. Barlow was pretty cute. And Kate looked like fun.
“We’re Jessie and James,” Jessie and James announced.
“I'm quite sure you’ve heard of us,” added Jessie. Meowth glared at them. “And this is Meowth.”
“Well…we haven’t heard of you two,” said Kate, pointing to Jessie and James. “But we have heard of the Meowth.”
“You’re that amazing talking Meowth aren’t you?!” said Barlow excitedly. “Can I…can I have your autograph?” He held out a photo of Meowth. Meowth grinned up at his shocked teammates.
“Sure,” he said, signing the photo. Jessie turned as purple as Kate’s hair and started searching for her weapons.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me?” grumbled the author to Kate and Barlow.
“What’s the point? They can’t see you,” Kate reminded her.
“Only characters that belong to you can see you,” Barlow added. The author folded her arms.
“You could’ve introduced me all the same,” she said indignantly.
“But then everyone would think we were stark raving mad!” protested Barlow. Then he noticed the people and cat who had been watching them talk to thin air.
“Too late,” murmured the author impishly. Kate turned on her angrily.
“Damn you!” she yelled. Jessie, James, Misty, Brock and Meowth stared at them for a while, then decided not to ask.
********************
“Home sweet home,” said Jessie, flopping onto their sofa. Meowth picked up a ball of yarn and started playing with it. James stared at her. “What?”
“Well…aren’t you gonna run for the shower? That’s what you do in all the other fics,” he asked, looking puzzled. Jessie yawned.
“Nah. No point. Misty and Brock are coming round in a bit,” she said.
“And Kate and Barlow,” James reminded her.
“I don’t really like them. Do you?” asked Jessie. James sat down next to her.
“They seemed alright,” he said, shrugging. “A bit weird though.”
“And they didn’t know who we were!” said Jessie.
“It’s better that they didn’t know who we were rather than knowing us as Team Rocket’s biggest failures,” said James reasonably.
“I guess so. But I can’t believe they knew Meowth!” said Jessie. Meowth grinned from behind the yarn he was hugging. He hummed the tune to ‘Fame’.
“Have we got anything to eat?” asked James.
“I dunno,” shrugged Jessie. “We should probably find something to serve our ‘guests’. Look in the cupboards.” James fished around in the cupboards.
“All I can find is bowls full of this stuff,” he said, pulling out a few and setting them on the coffee table. Jessie picked up a piece of the pink stuff and sniffed it.
“It smells good,” she said. “But what is it?” Meowth eyed the bowls. He knew what it was, but he wasn’t letting on. This could be fun.
“Try some,” suggested James.
“Only if you do,” said Jessie. James took a piece too.
“After three?” he asked. Jessie nodded.
“One…two…three.”
********************
Misty knocked on Jessie and James’s door. “Jessie? James? It’s us.” They heard giggling from inside, but nobody answered the door. Then Meowth appeared.
“You lot may want ta come back later,” he suggested.
“No way!” protested Barlow.
“You invited us!” added Kate. The author grinned.
“I wanna see what the rare candy did to them,” she said, but only Kate and Barlow heard.
“Come on, let’s barge in!” said Brock. They all charged into the apartment and stopped dead. The author tried to push her way to the front.
“Let me see,” she said, pushing her way past Kate and Barlow. “Ooh!”
‘Ooh!’ indeed. Jessie and James were both sat on the sofa snogging at high speed. Meowth sighed.
“Take a seat,” he suggested. They all sat, except the author who for no reason whatsoever climbed on top of a cupboard. Kat and Barlow shot her questioning looks.
“What?!,” she said. “I happen to like cupboards!” Kate and Barlow rolled their eyes and settled down on the other sofa. Misty sat next to them and Brock took an armchair. They waited until Jessie and James stopped kissing. When they finally did, they shook their heads as if they were waking up.
“What happened? Why are you all staring at us?” asked Jessie.
“You tell us,” said Brock. They all looked at Meowth. “Meowth?”
“What?” he said innocently. Then he dropped the act. “Oh alright. Dem bowls is full of rare candy. Pokemon grow levels when dey eats it but it does funny things ta humans.” He turned to Jessie and James. “Just be thankful youse two didn’t eat too much. Dat can cause fainting and also many other disturbin tings, such as…” Jessie and James looked at each other, both mentally storing this information about rare candy in case it was ever needed…
Part Two: Morning After
The author jerked awake from a dream about a mysterious co-author and took in her surroundings. She had somehow managed to stay on top of the cupboard while the gang played Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, and other definitely non-platonic games. Eventually they’d all fallen asleep. She looked over to her characters, Kate and Barlow. They were stretched out on the sofa together, with Barlow’s arms wrapped firmly around Kate’s body. They actually looked kinda cute together. The author sighed. If only this wasn’t a comedy. If only she could give them more than half a brain between them. She made a mental note to write a more serious story next time.
The other two couples were in similar positions, Brock and Misty curled up in the armchair and Jessie’s head was on James’s chest. After stretching lazily, the author decided it was time for Kate and Barlow to wake up. Climbing down from her cupboard she poked Barlow in the ribs then sat on the arm of the sofa. Barlow opened his eyes and screamed like a girl to see the author looming above him.
“AAH!! I mean…” Barlow lowered his voice several octaves. “AAH!! Oh, it’s just you,” Barlow said, looking up at the author. Kate stirred in his arms and he looked at her with interest. “Hmm…what d’ya know…?” Kate finally opened her eyes.
“Hey Barlow,” she said by way of a greeting. She didn’t really find their position surprising. There had been moments before. She yawned. Misty and Brock wriggled, opened their eyes, looked at each other and said nothing. “So what do we do today?” asked Misty. “Don’t we have today off as well? We got here before nine o’clock yesterday,” Brock reminded them. Everyone said “Ohh…” and swapped their uniforms for casual every-day clothes.
“So what do we do now?” asked Kate. Jessie and James looked at each other.
“I dunno,” confessed James. “We don’t have a lot of days off.” He looked at Jessie’s hair, which had fallen free of its curl and was hanging in heavy masses down her back. “I know what I’d like to do.” Jessie looked at him and saw him glancing at her hair. She sighed.
“Go on then,” she said, positioning herself on the floor in front of James, who was still sat on the sofa. James squealed in delight.
“Oooooooh!” He grabbed a brush and started styling Jessie’s hair. The rest of the gang looked at each other.
“Well I'm not doing that,” said Barlow. “I have my manhood to think of.”
“What manhood?” said both Kate and the author together. Barlow looked insulted.
“That’s very hurtful,” he said.
“Sorry,” said the author and Kate.
“So what are we gonna do?” asked Misty.
“Watch TV?” suggested Brock.
“Good enough,” said Kate, grabbing the remote.
********************
Ash jerked awake and looked blearily at the huge screen before him. Thanks to the hidden cameras Kate and Barlow had planted, he could see right into Jessie and James’s apartment. Nothing much was happening, although there was a wrestling match going on for who got the remote.
“Pi, pikachu?” asked Pikachu. (Shouldn’t we be thinking of another evil plan?) Ash shrugged.
“If they get a day off, I do,” he said simply. “Anyway, I’ve been in prison for the last three years.” He looked at James who was currently trying to put Jessie’s hair into Cassidy’s style and was getting beaten for his efforts. “You’d think they would act more like the twenty year olds they supposedly are.”
“Pikachu?” (They’re twenty?) Ash nodded.
“Time flies when you’re behind bars.” Ash looked at the screen again. “Oh wow!” he said, falling back into his old ways again. “They’re watching Kim Possible! My favourite!”
“Pika pi?” (You watch Kim Possible?) Ash squirmed uncomfortably.
“Kim is cute...and no one can resist a hot cartoon chick with super powers…” Pikachu looked despairingly at his friend. After all he’d taught him, he was still watching Kim Possible? Togepi wriggled and woke up.
“Togipree?” it asked. (What did I miss?)
“Pika pikachu,” said Pikachu. (A hot cartoon chick with super powers apparently.)
“…Togi?” (…Jessie?)
“Pika pikachu?!” (What powers does Jessie have?!)
“Togi togipree!” (The ability to draw weapons from thin air!)
“Pika.” (Good point.) Pikachu thought for a moment. “Pika pikachu?!” (You think Jessie is hot?!) Togepi looked embarrassed.
“Togi…” (Maybe a little…)
********************
James sat back, admiring his work. Jessie looked in the mirror, craning her head to see every last bit of her hair. “Wow! It’s beautiful!” she said. James had put her hair into lots of little plaits and put beads at the end. The author looked at her hair interestedly.
“I think that would look good on you Kate,” she suggested. Kate looked around from the Kim Possible 24 hour marathon.
“I like my hair the way it is,” Kate said, turning back round to watch Rufus do a cheerleading dance with pom-poms.
“It’s really lovely James,” said Jessie, hugging her friend. James turned red with pleasure. He took a deep breath. Time to confess his innermost feelings. (Too bad it’s a comedy…mwah ha ha ha…)
“Jessie…I…I…”
“Go Kim! Kick that Monkey Fist!” screamed Barlow at the TV. (…Mwah ha ha ha…fufufufufufufu…) James sweat-dropped, the mood ruined. Jessie quickly turned and studied her reflection again. The author watched from on top of the cupboard and smiled. This was gonna be fun.
********************
Late that night, the Rockets and the author were sat up playing Truth or Dare again.
“O.K. Kate, your turn,” said Brock. “Truth or Dare?”
“Um…Truth,” said Kate. The rest of the gang whispered to each other, the author giving Barlow some ideas.
“O.K., we’ve thought of something,” Brock announced. “What was your first impression of Barlow?” Barlow waited anxiously for her answer as Kate chewed her lip.
“Um…well, I thought he was pretty cute,” she confessed. “And maybe a bit scatter brained…but he looked like good fun.” Barlow smiled and secretly took her hand. Only the author saw, and she wasn’t letting on. “Now I dare all of you to…eat four pieces of rare candy each! Only we have to take turns, so first Misty and Brock can eat some, then Jessie and James, then Barlow and the auth—I mean me.”
“A group dare!” said Misty excitedly.
“You’re on!” said Brock.
“Oooooooh!” squealed James.
“No way,” said Jessie firmly. “I’ve had enough for one night. I'm going to bed. Night.” And with that, Jessie left the room. Meowth breathed a sigh of relief. James looked slightly offended. “Oh well,” shrugged Misty. “We should really be going too. Come on Brock.” They left the flat, closely followed by Kate and Barlow, and of course the author. The rare candy dare would have to wait for another day…
Part Three: Annoying Plots
Ash sat up sleepily. Today was the day Team Rocket went back to ‘work’, so he would too. All he had to do was think of a suitable evil plan. Ash wasn’t worried. His brain had never failed him yet. O.K., so his brain usually failed him, but it was all he had so he didn’t have much choice.
********************
“Morning all,” said the author, strolling into Kate and Barlow’s apartment. Kate and Barlow didn’t exactly know where the author slept, because she wouldn’t tell them. Little did they know it was in another reality…The author noticed an envelope on the table. “What’s that?”
“Well, we think it’s our new assignment,” said Kate.
“You think?” asked the author. “Why don’t you know?”
“We’re afraid to open it,” Barlow confessed. “We know it’ll be easier than last time but…”
“What was your last assignment?” asked the author.
“Remember the Moltres thing?” Kate said. “We stole that girl’s Moltres.”
“So…why didn’t you get a promotion? A Moltres is really rare and really powerful,” said the author, straining to remember this part in her characters’ lives. It must have been one of the bits she hadn’t controlled.
“Well we had a little technical problem…” said Barlow.
“Meaning?”
“Barlow set it loose in HQ and it fried the Boss’s best tie,” Kate explained.
“I didn’t mean to! They caught it eventually!” said Barlow. “But it cost us a promotion.”
“So come on…open the envelope!” said the author, getting impatient. Seeing that neither Kate nor Barlow was brave enough to open it, she grabbed the envelope herself and tore it open. “O.K…it says here your next assignment is…” Kate and Barlow clutched each other and held their breath.
********************
“Our next assignment is…” said Meowth. Jessie and James clutched at each other and held their breath. James had put Jessie’s hair back into it’s original style since it had got caught in the shower curtain that morning. (Oh how they laughed) “Oh dear.”
“What?!” screamed Jessie and James.
“It’s not an assignment at all. We’re being reassigned to different teammates!” groaned Meowth.
********************
“Is this something to do with you?” Kate screamed at the author.
“No! I swear, this has nothing whatsoever to do with me! That reassignment thing is so over-done! It’s happened too many times before, it just isn’t funny anymore! I wouldn’t do that!” lied the author, (quite convincingly actually) backing away and scrambling on top of a cupboard to protect herself. Kate looked as if she was about to murder her.
“Well SOMEONE’S responsible for this!” she yelled. She rounded on Barlow. “It wasn’t me!” he said. “I don’t know who did this!”
Ash smiled. “I do. I knew that tape of Jessie and James would come in handy. Giovanni frowns on Team Rocket members getting romantically involved with their partners…” Pikachu grinned at him
“Pi pika pi,” Pikachu said. (You little devil…) Ash leant back in his chair.
“I try my best,” he said modestly. “But this is simply for my own amusement. I’ve thought of a better plan if this fails as it predictably will to split Jessie and James up. Something much cleverer…” Pikachu looked very impressed, even though ‘cleverer’ isn’t actually a word.
********************
“Hey Brock. Look at this,” said Misty, who had just opened an envelope identical to the others’. “We’re being reassigned.” Brock looked up from his Coco Pops.
“Cool,” he said, scraping the last of the milk from the bowl.
********************
“So how does this work again?” asked James. Everyone groaned.
“Brock is going with Kate,” said Jessie patiently. She had learned to deal with her friend’s stupidity. “Barlow is coming with me, and you are going with Misty.”
“Ohh,” said James. He screwed up his forehead. “I still don’t get it!” Jessie sighed and led him over to Misty.
“Make sure he doesn’t hurt himself, although you can hurt him if you want,” she said to Misty. Misty nodded and James looked frightened. The author also looked frightened, and was rapidly rethinking the plot of her story.
“What’s up?” Kate whispered to her.
“If you and Barlow are being split up, who gets custody of me?” asked the author. “I can’t be in two places at once!”
“Sure you can. It’s your story,” Kate reminded her.
“No I can’t! It’s physically impossible!” said the author. “And I'm not allowed to do stuff that’s physically impossible!”
“I would have thought it was physically impossible for there to be another fic with this dumb reassignment plot in it,” said Kate.
“I only wish it was,” said the author.
“Well, why don’t you take a day or two off? I can’t see this lasting very long. You could travel or something,” suggested Kate.
“O.K…but I'm really gonna miss you guys,” said the author. Kate smiled at her.
“Don’t worry. I can handle Brock,” she reassured her.
“It’s Barlow I'm worried about…”
********************
“O.K., now they’re split into different groups, it’s time to set up my real plan,” said Ash, cracking his knuckles and typing. “So first…it’s time to send an email to an old friend of mine…”
“Pi?” (Who?)
“Oh, a little person I like to call…Professor Oak,” said Ash.
“Pika pi? Pi pika pikachu,” said Pikachu. (Prof Oak? He’d never work for me…I mean you)
“I think I can…persuade him,” said Ash.
“Pika?” (Blackmail?)
“Blackmail.”
********************
“So what’s our assignment then?” asked Barlow. Jessie scanned down the letter quickly.
“We’ve got to steal an Eevee (!) from this boy,” she said. “His name is Gary. Hmm. That rings a bell.”
“Yeah, me too,” said Barlow, scratching his head. “I can’t think why.”
“He’s da twerp’s rival!” said Meowth. Jessie groaned.
“Not another twerp!” she said, re-reading the letter to make sure she’d read the name properly. “It can’t be! The Boss wouldn’t be so cruel!” Barlow looked at her.
“Ya think?” he asked. “He’s already had us reassigned.”
“Yeah, but that never lasts for long,” said Jessie. “I wonder what James’s assignment is?”
“Probably the same as yours. I’ve heard of dis Gary kid, he’s good,” said Meowth. “Better dan da original twerp.”
“NOOOO!”
********************
“NOOOO!” screamed James. “We’ve run out of donuts!” Misty looked at him.
“AND we’ve been told to steal Gary’s Eevee,” she reminded him. James tore at his hair in anguish.
“NOOOOOOO!” James looked up at her, holding some of his own hair in his hands. Then he blinked at Misty, puzzled. “…Who’s Gary?”
Part Four: Family Portrait
“If you don’t help me I’ll tell everyone what I caught you doing with my mom,” Ash threatened Prof Oak. The professor paled.
“O.K…I’ll help you. Just what do you want me to do?” asked Prof Oak.
“Pose as Jessie and James’s father,” said Ash.
“Jessie and James are related?” asked Oak.
“They’re not yet,” said Ash, smiling grimly. “But they soon will be.”
********************
“So Pallet Town should be right in front of us,” said Brock, looking up from the map. In front of them was a dark forest. “Oh.”
“You’re holding the map upside down!” groaned Kate. Brock blushed and turned the map the right way up.
“That means Pallet Town is four and a half miles…that way,” he said, pointing down a road to their right.
“Are you sure?” asked Kate.
“Um…75% positive,” said Brock uncertainly. Kate groaned again.
“Don’t you know where Pallet Town is?” she asked him.
“Ash is the one from Pallet Town,” he reminded her.
“Damn it! We’ll just have to keep walking,” said Kate, starting down the path.
“Um…one more thing…”
“What?!” Kate turned on Brock.
“To get to Pallet Town you have to either cross a lot of water or go through a forest…” Kate turned as purple as her hair.
“This never would’ve happened if you’d given me the map!” she yelled at poor Brock. He meekly handed it over. “Right. Now…which way is North again?”
********************
“It’s perfectly simple,” said Jessie. “You put on this dress...”
“No! Stop right there! No one said anything about cross dressing!” Barlow said, backing away.
“But it’s a really good plan,” persisted Jessie.
“No way! You wear the dress! You’re a girl!” Jessie sighed.
“You’re just not getting this are you?” she said.
“What I get is that you lot are psychos! How does James put up with you?!” said Barlow. Jessie turned red and backhanded Barlow with a fan. He lay on the ground, groaning. Jessie promptly sat on him.
“Now, we can do this one of two ways,” said Jessie. “One: I can continue to beat you to a pulp until you’re unrecognisable as a human.”
“And number two?” gasped Barlow. “Hurry up, I can’t…breathe!”
“Number two,” said Jessie slowly. “What was it again?” Barlow began to turn blue. “Oh yes. You can put on the dress. Submit to me…” Jessie stared at Barlow with what she thought was a hypnotic stare. Barlow turned beige. Jessie would have liked to stay sat on top of him if only to see what colours he turned over the next few hours.
“O.K.! O.K.! I’ll…put on…the dress,” he said, trying to push Jessie off him. Jessie stood up.
“Glad we could come to an agreement,” she said, walking away. “Now come with me.” Meowth helped Barlow up.
“You’ll get used to it,” he said. Barlow looked very scared.
“I owe James a beer,” he muttered.
********************
“But I'm scared of heights!” whined James. Misty sighed.
“But you fly around everywhere in a balloon!”
“With Jessie…we fear hug…it makes it better…” said James, trying not to say too much. He apparently didn’t. (Either that or Misty just wasn’t listening)
“Well, how about…how about we just battle Gary? I have some good Pokemon,” Misty suggested. “Then we can steal his Eevee when it’s weakened.”
“I'm scared of battles!” said James.
“Is there anything you’re not scared of?!” said Misty, beginning to lose her temper. No wonder Jessie spent most of her time hitting him! James thought for a moment. (It looked like hard work)
“Donuts?”
********************
“Computer. Locate Jessie and James immediately,” commanded Ash.
“Jessie is located west of Pallet Town and James is located to the east,” said the computer, who was of course female. (Ain’t that just typical? Even Star Trek, the best programme ever, has a female computer)
“Damn. I was hoping they’d have bumped into each other by now,” said Ash. “We’ll just have to get them together.”
“Togi, togipree?” (Why don’t you just leave a trail of rare candy for them?)
“Good idea. And as you came up with it, you and Pikachu can set down the trails. Make sure they both end in the same place,” said Ash. “The professor here can go with you to meet Jessie and James at the end. Just take them somewhere until the effects wear off. Then you can tell them.” Pikachu, Togepi and Oak started to go. “And Pikachu? Leave a trail for Brock and Kate too. I'm sure that would have comedic value.” Pikachu threw a nasty look at Togepi. Stupid egg.
********************
“Oooooooh!” said James, looking at what he had found. “Rare candy!” Misty slowly backed away from him.
“James…put it down…don’t eat it…please just put it down,” she said, looking nervous.
“O.K…” James said reluctantly. “But hey look! Another bit! And another!”
“It’s a trail!” Misty realised suddenly.
“Are we meant to follow it?” asked James.
“I guess…unless it’s a trap…” said Misty thoughtfully. She made up her mind. “O.K. We’ll follow the trail. But you mustn’t eat any and keep a look out for traps, right?”
“Right,” agreed James. He followed Misty as she carefully walked along the path of rare candy. She was nice, and didn’t hit him much, but still…he did miss Jessie a lot. Ah well. These stupid reassignment things never last long. And if it did, he would just use his amazing brain, sharp wit and miraculous charm to change Giovanni’s mind and win Jessie’s heart…
James hoped it wouldn’t last long. The outlook wasn’t bright if it did.
********************
Finally, Jessie, James, Misty and Barlow made it to the huge pile of rare candy at the end of the trail. James dived into the pile, laughing in his gay little way. Then he spotted his ‘best friend’.
“Jessie!” he cried, running at her. They hugged, then quickly separated. Too many witnesses…
“Where are Kate and Brock?” asked Barlow.
“That’s a good question,” said Misty, with no intention of answering it. Barlow shrugged.
“She’ll turn up. She always does,” he said.
“And Brock will automatically go anywhere where there are chicks in tight bikinis,” muttered Misty.
“Hello everyone. I'm so glad you could make it,” said a voice. Professor Oak appeared through the mystical powers of Japanese animation.
“Hi professor!” said Misty brightly.
“Hello Misty. Where’s Brock?” asked Oak.
“He’s…wait…don’t you mean Ash? He’s supposed to be the star of this cartoon,” said Misty.
“Erm…yes…how is Ash?” asked Oak.
“He’s in prison at the moment, for kidnapping,” said Misty. Oak turned very pale.
“P-prison?” He gulped. Did Ash really have the brains to escape prison? “Wait, he might have been released now…” Misty racked her brains for her limited mathematical skills. “Yeah…yeah I think he’s a free man *cough* twerp *cough* again.”
“Good…that’s good…” said Oak distractedly. “I brought you here because there’s something I need to tell Jessie and James.”
“Us?” asked James.
“Why us?” asked Jessie.
“It’s probably best if I do this in private…” said Oak. Seeing that neither Barlow nor Misty was about to move, he continued, “Very well. I shall tell you. Jessie…James…I'm your father.” Jessie and James gasped and fear hugged for real.
“You’re…Darth Vader?” asked James.
“No of course not. Do I look like I’ve got a gas mask super-glued to my face?” asked Oak testily. Everyone looked at him. “O.K., don’t answer that. But I really am your father.” Now, if James was a smarter man (I'm not dissing James by the way, or his fans, as I am one of them…Oooooooh!), he probably would have remembered that he actually had a father back in wherever James comes from. But he wasn’t. And that was exactly what Ash was counting on.
********************
“I'm never gonna see Barlow again!” sobbed Kate, falling to the ground in despair. They had been walking round in circles for hours, and there was no sign of well…anything.
“Don’t worry,” said Brock, trying to comfort her. He put a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off.
“I do worry. I can’t make it on my own,” said Kate. “I n-need B-Barlow!”
“There, there. Isn’t there anyone else you can turn to?” asked Brock.
“Only one. And she’s gone too,” cried Kate. “I t-told her to g-go! I t-turned her awaaaay!”
“Oh no you didn’t!” The author jumped down from a tree and landed in front of Kate. “Don’t worry Kate. I'm here now.”
“You…you’re back…” said Kate happily. “Listen to me Kate. There’s a plot twist coming, I heard some rumours whilst I was out and about. I didn’t plan it. It had something to do with a computer virus…anyway…it’s going to make everyone miserable, especially Jessie and James,” said the author.
“What can I do?” asked Kate.
“Go back to Barlow. You can beat this more easily if you’re together. You’ve got Spasm, haven’t you?” asked the author.
“Uh-huh,” said Kate. “But how can I get back to Barlow? We’re totally lost.”
“Follow your heart,” said the author, smiling.
“But…what if your heart tells you two different things?” asked Kate in despair.
“Listen harder,” advised the author. And then, due to the mystical powers of Japanation, she was gone. Brock looked at Kate.
“Who was she?” he asked in awe. Kate saw the look on his face and teased him.
“An angel,” she said mischievously. Brock’s jaw dropped (I would say his eyes widened too but that would be a downright lie…and we wouldn’t want that now, would we children?). “Now let’s find my partner.”
********************
That night, Jessie and James sat up whispering.
“You do know what this means? We’re a family, a real family,” said James.
“But nothing can ever happen between us, romantically I mean,” said Jessie. “Not that I want it too, of course.”
“Of course,” agreed James, with just a hint of bitterness. “Do you think we’re really related?”
“Probably. After all, the branches of this family tree are one tangled mess,” said Jessie. She noticed James had somehow managed to get jam on his eyebrow, probably from one of his many daily donuts. “James, you’ve got jam…just there.” James rubbed at his face. “No not there…oh come here.” Jessie scrambled out of her sleeping bag and wiped the jam away.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.” Jessie turned back to find Meowth curled up in the exact centre of her sleeping bag. “Damn that cat.” James opened his and she wriggled inside. Jessie was surprised to find herself crying. “Everything’s ruined,” she cried.
“No it’s not…we’re still together,” James said, trying to comfort her.
“Yes it is! Everything’s ruined and I don’t know why!” She curled up against James’s chest and James stroked her hair soothingly.
“Don’t worry Jess. At the end of the day, we’re one step closer to finding, I dunno, the meaning of life, or whatever.” Jessie laughed through her tears.
“Everything’s gonna be fine.”
The author and co-author looked over the campsite from a tree.
“If I find out who did this, they are so gonna pay,” said the author menacingly.
Part Five: Who Knew it Would Come to This?
Notes: Japanation is a new word I invented. I'm sure I’ve used it before, but I forgot to tell you…anyway, it means Japanese animation. I just couldn’t be bothered to write out the whole phrase. A new obsession of mine is one you may notice from the brackets in this story, which is swivel chairs. They are just so cool. No one can deny it. They could cause a riot (Oooh, a riot!) in Sunday school… ;-) And the phrase funky Mcfunky is something I stole then altered from Lorna (thank you!!!). Just so you know, the original phrase was funky Mcfunkiness, but it didn’t make grammatical sense. My computer had a right spaz when it saw funky Mcfunky. It wanted to substitute it with chunky.
More Notes: I noticed after I wrote the story when Roy was reading it back to me that the fact I repeat the title A LOT is really annoying. It bugged me, and I wrote it. So feel free to send me emails simply saying why??? Why????!!!! WHY??!!!!!!! dovesista@btopenworld.com
“So what do we do now that we’ve made Jessie and James miserable?” asked Professor Oak. Ash looked blank.
“Um…well, the plan hadn’t actually got that far…”
“So you don’t even have a proper plan?!” yelled Oak. “That’s ridiculous! What am I supposed to say to them? Sorry but the whole thing was a joke?!”
“Hey, I may not be the brightest spark in this story—”
“You can well say that again!” yelled Professor Oak. “And you know what? I don’t care if you tell everyone about Delia and me, because I am sick and tired of doing exactly what you say!” And with that, Oak stormed out of the room. (YAY!!! GO PROF OAK!!!!) Ash sat in his swivel chair (aren’t swivel chairs fun? I love playing with them. The trick is to wind the chair right down to the bottom. Then it spins extra fast!).
“What do I do now?” he asked Pikachu.
“Pi, pikachu,” shrugged Pikachu. (Don’t look at me, I'm just a rodent) Ash sighed.
“I guess I’ll have to call the whole thing off,” he said reluctantly. “Who knew it would come to this?”
********************
“So what do we do today?” asked Jessie. “I'm just not in the mood for stealing somehow.”
“Well Misty and me are going to look for Kate and Brock. They can’t have gone far,” said Barlow. He set off with Misty, calling for his partner.
“So what do we do?” asked James.
“I'm taking a trip to the Yarn Emporium. I need ta get myself some more red yarn.” Meowth wandered off.
“Can we just pretend we’re not related?” asked Jessie.
“What difference would it make? We’re still the same twenty year old failures we were two chapters ago,” James pointed out.
“I guess you’re right,” sighed Jessie. “Who knew it would come to this?”
********************
“So what do you wanna do today?” asked Barlow, looking up at the author, still perched in her tree.
“I was gonna go with you and Misty to find Kate and Brock,” said the author. “But I just got some information via email on m lap top.”
“What kind of information?” asked Barlow.
“The kind that means I have to scare the pants off a thirteen year old boy who somehow managed to get himself in prison and back out again,” said Eevee.
“Who knew it would come to this?” asked Barlow.
“You know, just because it’s the title, doesn’t mean you have to keep repeating that annoying phrase.”
“No, but seriously,” said Barlow. “Frightening a thirteen year old boy? Who knew it would come to this?”
********************
“How are you feeling?” asked James. They hadn’t really done much all day, just sat around the camp thinking.
“I can’t say, it would have to be censored,” said Jessie. “You?”
“Pretty much the same,” James replied. “What happened between us Jess?”
“Um…we’ve been in so many Rocketshippy fan fictions that it’s become totally obvious what’s gonna happen next?”
“That’s not what I meant,” said James.
“Then what did you mean?” asked Jessie impatiently. James looked a bit spaced.
“I'm…not entirely sure,” he confessed. “It was probably a rhetorical question.”
“You know, this is probably the part where we confess our love for each other and kiss until the credits roll,” aid Jessie. “Not that there are any credits in fanfictions, but you know what I mean.”
“Damn fanfictions,” said James. He paused. “So why don’t we? We’ve got nothing better to do today.”
“What for?” asked Jessie lazily. “Everyone knows anyway.”
“But I wanna hear you say it!” whined James. “Besides, we’ve got five or six lines to fill before the stars appear.”
“Oh alright,” said Jessie. “I love you James.”
“I love you too.” They looked at each other.
“You know, now I feel worse,” said Jessie.
“Why? I feel pretty good,” said James. “Pretty darn good.”
“Because we can’t finish the obvious routine,” said Jessie. “We can’t kiss until the credits roll.”
“Give me one good reason why not.”
“Because we’re brother and sister and it would be like something off Eastenders?”
“Good point.” James looked longingly at Jessie. He so much wanted to complete the damn routine. It was like saying the motto but leaving out half the lines. He sighed. “Who knew—”
“Say that line and I’ll kill you.”
********************
Ash Ketchum was now a gibbering idiot. More so even than before he had his transformation from stupid to scary to British and scary.
It had all started a couple of minutes ago, when Jessie and James were confessing their love. He had been innocently playing with his funky Mcfunky swivel chair when he had heard a voice…
“Ash Ketchum…” Ash stopped swivelling.
“Yes?” he asked, he lip trembling. There was no one in the room…except his funky Mcfunky swivel chair. (YAY!!!!)
“Do you know who I am?” asked the voice.
“No…” Ash stared wildly around the room.
“No, neither do I. Let’s just say I'm the ghost of fan fiction future,” said the voice. “Ash, if you don’t give up your scary British ways, a terrible accident will befall you…”
“What kind of accident?” asked Ash, trying not to cry. This was just too much. “The kind where I drop this weight on your head.” Ash looked up to see a large cartoon like weight hovering above his head.
“I’ll be good! I’ll be good!” he screamed.
“Be warned Ash,” said the voice. “I know who you are. I know where you live.”
“I promise I’ll be good!” Ash said to thin air.
“If you break your promise…I’ll be back…” Ash threw one last look around the room then gave in to insanity. Who knew it would come to this?
Ash gibbered on.
********************
A day passed without event. The whole plot of the story seemed to have dried up. Jessie and James were miserable. Kate and Brock were lost goodness knows where and Barlow and Misty had no luck finding them. Meowth however, had stocked up on yarn and catnip, and was now the happiest they had ever seen him. It was actually a little scary.
Then suddenly the gang (what’s left of them) got a visitor. An unwelcome visitor.
“Ash!” cried Misty, seeing her former ‘friend’. “What are you doing here?”
“The ghost of fanfiction future told me to confess my sins,” Ash said.
“Are you feeling O.K.?” asked Jessie.
“Who is that guy?” asked Barlow, who had no idea who Ash actually was.
“A villain from the last story,” said the author. “I paid him a visit as the ghost of fanfiction future.”
“You naughty thing!” said Barlow, not realising how dodgy he sounded. “But how on earth did he manage to hear you?” The author shrugged.
“The power of Japanation?” she suggested. “What does it matter? No one cares about that stuff anyway.”
“You shouldn’t make up rules and then break them, it confuses the plot,” said Barlow.
“What does it matter?!” repeated the author. “You’re ruining the flow of the story!”
“O.K., O.K., it doesn’t matter,” said Barlow.
“I'm here because I…I…I blackmailed Professor Oak into saying he was Jessie and James’s father. He isn’t really! I just thought it would have…comedic value?” said Ash. Jessie slowly brought out all three of her famous weapons and battered Ash until you couldn’t actually see what shape he was supposed to be in the first place. James smiled.
“So we’re not related?” he asked the thing that used to be Ash.
“N-no,” gasped Ash from underneath a frying pan.
“Good. Then I can do this one last thing before the credits roll.” He grabbed Jessie and kissed her. Everyone else present said, “Aaaaah…” They all knew it would eventually come to this.
********************
“Pallet Town! At last!” cried Kate with joy, bursting into floods of tears as she saw the sign. Barlow somehow managed to hear her from wherever he was camping and ran towards her.
“Kate!”
“Barlow!” They hugged each other tightly.
“You know, that’s made me want to do the motto,” said Barlow. “Shall we?”
“Oh do let’s! Prepare for trouble with a capital T!”
“We’re the Rockets no one wanted on TV!”
“Jessie and James are a tad overrated!”
“We come along and get a little X rated!”
“We usually come off worst in a fight!”
“But give us a chance and we’ll soon get it right!”
“Kate!”
“Barlow!”
“Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of sound!”
“Things get horny when we’re around!”
“Spasm!” Brock looked at them and decided not to comment. It was better than the one he and Misty had come up with. Who knew it would come to this?
I did. Coz I'm the author. So that means I get the last words. And tonight Matthew, they’re gonna be:
THE END…………
………………OR IS IT??????
