Disclaimer: I'm sure I’ve been through this, but for legal reasons I should probably do it again. All I own is Kate, Barlow, Spasm and the author. I don’t own anything connected with Pokemon and I definitely do not own the Famous Five. That’s on Enid Blyton’s conscience.
Notes: So here I am again at my computer, hopelessly staring at a blank screen, soon to be filled with insanity, spasms, and spiffingly good fun. Just for those of you who are already wondering ‘What the hell?!’ the Famous Five thing is because I am currently going through one of my ‘sad’ periods. This means I do sad stuff like listen to B*Witched and read Enid Blyton. Thus, Five get Rockety for a While was born. Besides…the Famous Five books are really good, and I hope they live on forever!!! Long live the spiffingly Famous Five!!!!!! Also, may I just add now that due to me being completely stupid and forgetting about Something Amiss 2, the fact that Jessie and James already confessed their feelings to each other has been conveniently forgotten. So now you know. Thoughts? Comments? Flames? Send them to me at dovesista@btopenworld.com! Enjoy!
Part One: Where Oh Where Is Our Friend Sanity?
Rocket HQ. Ain’t it the best? It’s been the scene for many a fic in it’s time. And consequently it will be the scene for this one (yay!). Well, at least for the first paragraph. Not much time has passed since Ash confessed his sins, and not a lot of stuff has been happening. There really wasn’t any need to do stuff anyway. Just recite the motto a couple of times to Gary and other poor innocent (haha) twerps to keep the Boss happy, then kick back and relax. Or go shopping. Because shopping is fun for all the family.
“But I hate shopping!” whined James, Brock and Barlow. It was a little too late. Their partners in crime had already got that glint in their eyes that meant hour upon hour of trying stuff on and fighting other girls for bargains, not to mention going home with heavy shopping bags and lighter wallets. Regardless of what the guys thought however, Jessie, Kate and Misty were already climbing into the battered up piece of scrap metal Giovanni called a ‘company car’, the author following them. Sighing, James, Barlow and Brock had no choice but to get in as well.
********************
Three hours later, six exhausted people and a cat Pokemon collapsed onto a plastic bench in the packed out mall. The author climbed a plastic tree. I don’t know why. She just did. Do you have to have a reason for everything? The floor around them was littered with Jessie, Kate and Misty’s new purchases. James got up and started wandering the mall happily, not really caring what happened to him anymore. That was before a fish hit him in the face and he fell to the floor.
“Did you see that? That Magikarp just jumped right out of the tank!” exclaimed a man behind a stall. “Have you ever seen a happier healthier Pokemon?”
“Yes, it certainly is lively!” said James from underneath the fish. He struggled to his feet, the Magikarp squirming in his arms.
“Just between me and you kid, that Magikarp is like a Pokemon goldmine!” said the guy.
“A goldmine?” echoed James, thinking. Hmm…
“Right! That Magikarp will lay a thousand eggs,” said the man. “Each one of those thousand baby Magikarp will lay a thousand more eggs. That’s one million Magikarp!”
“Wow! A million!” said James.
“And each of those will lay a thousand more! That’s ten billion Magikarp!” said the Magikarp Man. “You sell each of those Magikarp for a hundred bucks each and that’s…a helluva lot of money kid. You’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams!” James went off into boboland, dreaming of sitting on a throne stroking a Persian among piles of gold.
“Oooh!” said James.
“Now usually I charge five hundred bucks. But for you, I’ll throw in an egg-laying kit, a child care kit and this lucky Magikarp keychain!” said the guy, holding up a plastic keyring with a fish dangling from it.
“I’ll take it! I’ll take it!” cried James, rummaging around for money. Then he looked at the guy properly. “Hey wait! Hmm…hmm…” James pulled many stupid poses as he tried to think (it was just so hard!). “AAH! You’re the same charlatan that swindled me before!” The guy shook his head furiously, then gathered up his stall and the Magikarp in a huge bag, running as fast as his legs could carry him. “Hey! Wait you dirty swindler!” yelled James, trying to run after him. But something grabbed his leg and he fell to the floor again.
“James!” said Jessie, hanging onto his leg as he struggled. “What are you doing?!” Meowth blinked at his friend.
“Why is he floundering around like a Magikarp?” he asked, looking puzzled.
********************
Some more hours later, Meowth finally started up the car and drove them back to HQ. Why Meowth was driving is beyond me. He just was. Do you need an explanation for everything? Kate and Barlow were crammed into the back seat with Brock and Misty. The author had strapped herself to the car roof for no apparent reason. Jessie and James? Why, sharing the passenger seat of course.
“Fasten your seatbelts everybody, Meowth has the con and no legal driving license!” proclaimed Meowth happily as they sped down a conveniently empty motorway. He swung the steering wheel wildly to the left. Every passenger screamed and slammed into Brock, who was unfortunately sat on the left of the back seat. The author screamed and held on tightly to the car roof. Jessie and James were forced even closer than they were originally. Just when it seemed they would crash into a large billboard with a picture of cheese on it bearing the slogan ‘Frankie’s Cheese Farm—the only place where you can have the hairs burnt out of your nostrils for free’ and Brock would turn a most intriguing shade of purple, Meowth swung the wheel sharply to the right and everybody slammed into Barlow. They careered towards a new billboard bearing the slogan ‘Frankie’s Cheese Parlour—eat as much cheese as you can in an hour—FREE smoking monkey with every purchase
When they reached HQ however, Meowth noticed something—they had all fallen fast asleep in various ‘platonic’ positions, except the author, but he couldn’t see her as she unstrapped herself and made her way towards HQ, feeling sick. No matter how much he prodded them, they would not wake up, not even when he Fury Swiped them for good measure. “How da hell am I sposed to get dem out of dis car by myself?!” he said to no one in particular, who actually answered, saying, “Charrrrbok?” (Need some help?) It seemed all of our heroes Pokémon had decided to put in an appearance. It was quite a squash in the car with them loose I can tell you, especially as Onix had decided to help too.
“Yes please,” said Meowth thankfully. “Just get them out of here.” Arbok, Wheezing, Onix and Spasm dragged their owners out of the car, with Psyduck anxiously holding Misty’s head and it’s own. When they had managed to get them all up six flights of stairs into Jessie and James’s apartment, they immediately collapsed onto the floor.
“Spasm, spaz,” gasped Spasm. (Kate is heavier than she looks) They all looked at Kate, whose hair was stood up on end from Spasm trying to shock her into consciousness and failing.
“Wheezing wheeze,” said Wheezing. (And she looks pretty heavy) They were suddenly distracted by a panel on the wall moving.
“What the—?” said Meowth, as four children and a strange creature he had never seen before clambered out of the wall. “Who da hell are you?! Are you new recruits?” The kids looked at each other. They were all wearing knitted jumpers with their initials on (even the creature) and all of them had extremely sad haircuts. There was definitely a girl and two boys. The other one was somewhat questionable.
Suddenly they all struck stupid poses.
“Julian!”
“Dick!”
“George!”
“Anne!”
“Woof!”
“We’re the spiffingly Famous Five!” they all cried. Meowth looked in disbelief at them.
“You look like new recruits ta me,” he said, observing their poses.
“We’re not! We’re the spiffingly Famous Five!” they all cried.
“Yeah, yeah, jolly good,” said Meowth. “Why are you here?”
“We followed the Secret Way,” said Julian.
“We’re on the trail of smugglers!” said Dick.
“Woof!” said the thing. It was furry and had a long tail that was vibrating as fast as Spasm.
“What is dat thing?” asked Meowth.
“That thing is Timothy, my dog,” said the questionable George, hugging her dog. “And he’s the best dog in the universe!”
Meowth looked as if he was about to have a nervous breakdown. This was just too much. He clutched his head, moaning, “I never thought I’d say this, but I wish Jessie and James were awake.”
Part Two: Spiffingly Good Fun
Jessie was the first to awaken of our band of merry men. She noticed two things: one, she was leant against James in a way that could be seen by disturbed teens as seriously non-platonic, and two, there were four children and a thing in her flat. She sat up.
“Oh dear, look what the cat dragged in,” she said, observing the children’s extremely sad woolly jumpers, pleated skirts, and knicker bockers. “Did you fall from the fashion tree and hit every branch on the way down?” James rubbed his eyes and straightened up too.
“Who are those fashion victims?” he asked. The children decided this was their cue.
“Julian!”
“Dick!”
“George!”
“Anne!”
“Woof!”
“We’re the spiffingly Famous Five!” they all cried.
“I think we should start up Salon Roquet again,” was James’s only comment. Suddenly there was a groan from behind the sofa. Jessie and James peered behind it anxiously.
“Meowth?” asked Jessie.
“Are you O.K.?” added James.
“Dey’ve bin doin dat all afternoon…” he said. “I don’t tink I can stand much more…” The others began to wake up too.
“Hi guys,” said Misty, stretching and yawning. “How long have we been sleeping?”
“Too long for Meowth to bear,” said Meowth. He certainly didn’t look too good. Brock carried him into the kitchen and made him a nourishing stew, like the lovely caring person that he is. Kate and Barlow were also awake and were muttering under their breath to…well…no one.
“…I don’t think they suspect anything still. We’re good at concealing the fact we can talk to the author,” said Kate. The author nodded.
“Don’t worry Kate, they won’t find out about me,” she said.
“Well…we could just tell them,” suggested Barlow.
“They wouldn’t believe us if we did,” sighed Kate. They suddenly noticed everyone except Brock had disappeared through the hole in the wall that the spiffingly Famous Five had come through.
“Are you guys coming or what?” he asked them.
“Coming where?” asked Kate.
“To this island somewhere. Our new friends invited us to come, and there’s nothing else to do around here,” said Brock. This was true. Giovanni had stopped caring about the little gang of failures and had neglected to give them a new mission since Pikachu had been sent to jail with Ash. Kate and Barlow followed Brock through the wall, the author bringing up the rear.
********************
“So…tell me again why we agreed to this?” asked James.
“Because we had nothing better to do?” suggested Jessie.
“And it makes a good plot,” said Kate. They were currently all sat on an island, looking through binoculars out to an old wreck. “Barlow! I'm coming down now! Get out the way!” Kate called down a hole in the ground. She slid down a rope into a cave, landing on top of Barlow. “I told you to get out of the way!” she said crossly, trying to get up. Barlow hung onto her. “Let me go!”
“What if I don’t?” asked Barlow. Kate growled at him and it quickly developed into a wrestling match.
“What’s happening down there?” Jessie asked them, hearing squeals. James peered down the hole.
“Oooh!” he said.
“What’s happening?!” asked Jessie, shoving James out of the way. She very nearly said “Oooh!” herself. Below them in the cave the wrestling match raged. Barlow had his hands in Kate’s hair and was pulling hard, while Kate was trying her best to kick him in the balls. Jessie and James quickly pulled flags out of thin air.
“Go Kate!”
“Go Barlow!” The author walked ran towards the cave, carrying a fishing rod. She had been fishing in the nearby cove for no apparent reason other than she really liked canned tuna. No one had explained to her that you can’t fish for tuna already in a can. She peered down the hole and quickly brought out her own flag. Soon everyone was watching, even their Pokemon. The fight was actually pretty fairly matched, with both Kate and Barlow doing evenly well. As well as punches, they were also throwing insults.
“Freak!”
“Idiot!”
“Sasquatch!” Suddenly the Famous Five popped out of a wall.
“Hey! Fighting is wrong!” said Julian angrily.
“Take it somewhere else!” Questionable George demanded. Timothy growled menacingly and the crowd of Team Rocket members that had gathered to watch scattered, their flags gone. Kate and Barlow dragged each other off the ruined castle on the other side of the island.
“How are we going to have a proper adventure with them hanging around?” asked Dick.
“They may come in handy. After all, they’re part of this peculiar Team Rocket, and they’re some sort of crime ring aren’t they?” Anne pointed out. “They may have inside information on the smugglers!”
“Clever girl Anne!” said Julian, ruffling her hair fondly. “We’ll keep them around. They’re good sorts really. And we could really use the extra lookouts, especially during the night. The ship might come again soon!”
“I guess so,” said George reluctantly. “I just don’t like the thought of them sharing my island.”
“Our island,” Dick reminded him/her. George glared at him and held up her/his fingers in the sign of a W.
“Whatever,” she/he said, stalking off with Timmy. “I'm going to keep watch for the smugglers.” The rest of the children looked after him/her and sighed. Then they set about clearing up the mess that Kate and Barlow’s wrestling match had caused. They had broken two of Aunt Fanny’s cups!
********************
Meanwhile in the castle, Kate and Barlow’s wrestling match was still going strong. The spectators were beginning to get bored.
“Rip off her clothes!” said Brock.
“Rip off his!” said Misty.
“Do something!” yelled Jessie. Seeing that nothing was going to happen, she flounced off in a huff. James followed her. Brock and Misty left too, as did their Pokemon. The author however stayed, withdrawing into the shadows so they couldn’t see her. She suspected that something was going to happen pretty soon, regarding something that the others didn’t know about. Sure enough, Kate and Barlow stopped fighting. They lay next to each other, panting.
“Why…why are we fighting?” asked Barlow.
“Because you did something…stupid,” gasped Kate.
“I do that a lot,” said Barlow, grinning. Kate looked at him.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked.
“What do you think it means?” asked Barlow in confusion.
“Maybe that you did something stupid all those nights ago,” Kate said, glaring at him. “Maybe you think it was stupid to kiss me!”
“N-no,” stuttered Barlow in confusion, trying to remember what had happened. He suspected they had both been drunk at the time. Darn Kate and her good memory.
“Then why haven’t you mentioned it, or done anything since?” wept Kate. Barlow looked shocked.
“Don’t cry!” he said in alarm. “I thought…I thought…it had been conveniently forgotten?”
“Well I didn’t forget,” cried Kate. “I thought you cared about me!” She was really crying now, tears rolling down her bruised face.
“God Kate, I do care!” said Barlow. “Kissing you was the least stupid thing I have ever done. The only stupid thing about it was me not kissing you again.” Kate stopped crying.
“Really?” she sniffed.
“Really really,” said Barlow. (I love Shrek! The only film better is…well…Shrek 2!) And you can pretty much guess what happened next. The author smiled, and silently slipped outside. “‘God’s in his heavens. All’s right with the world’” she quoted (sadly Anne of Green Gables.) “Now to go and join my spiffingly fun friends.”
********************
“That is so sweet!” said Jessie. When the four members had left the castle, they had decided that watching for smugglers was boring, so they turned their binoculars on Kate and Barlow, hoping they’d do something entertaining and/or that had comedic value. Let’s just say they did.
“Isn’t it though?” said Misty. She turned on Brock. “That is romance!”
“Rare candy can be romantic!” he protested. They started an argument.
“Freak!”
“Idiot!”
“Sasquatch!” Jessie and James left, but Meowth decided to stay and watch. It could get interesting…Once away from their ‘friends’, Jessie and James sat on the grass and looked out over the sea.
“Kate and Barlow make a good couple, don’t you think?” James asked.
“Yeah…yeah they do. They deserve to be happy,” said Jessie, in a rare good mood.
“We deserve to be happy too you know,” said James.
“Do we?” said Jessie. “We’re the bad guys, remember? We’re supposed to get what’s coming to us.” Her good mood was quickly leaving the building.
“The only one who should get what’s coming to him is Ash,” said James. “As far as I'm concerned, he’s the bad guy in this story.” Jessie looked oddly at her ‘best friend’.
“You’re…really different when no one else is around you know,” she said. “Less…”
“Stupid?” laughed James. He looked out to the sea, that cute lil strand of hair blowing in the wind. “I noticed that too. Maybe it’s you Jess.”
“Me? I do nothing but hit you,” said Jessie.
“Yeah, I kinda noticed that as well,” said James. “I don’t take it to heart. To my head, maybe.” Jessie laughed.
“Funny too! You are different. And you know what?” she said. “I like it when it’s just us.”
“Hmm,” said James in reply. “Just us.”
“Something wrong James?” asked Jessie. James looked at her, really looked at her. He knew exactly what he wanted to say. But he couldn’t.
“No. Nothing’s wrong. Let’s go inside.” They climbed down into the cave. The author watched from a distance. She had a lot of time to stop and stare. All she really had to do was get he story going and sort of point it in the right direction, then let the characters take control. But this was one of those times when she wished she had a more active part in their lives. There was only so much you could do with characters that don’t belong to you.
“Oh James. If you were waiting for the opportune moment…that was it,” she said. (I'm on a roll! That was a quote from Pirates of the Caribbean, another of my fave films) “And I thought they would take example of Kate and Barlow. Is there really any hope for Jessie and James as a couple?” She watched them disappear into the cave. “Guess not…”
But hey, you know what? Sometimes even the author can be wrong. Tune in next time.
Part Three: A Scream in the Night
“Another day in paradise,” said the author. The sun was shining, there was a cool breeze in the air…everything was perfect.
This is the part where it starts to rain.
“Darn,” she muttered, looking out of the cave entrance to see rain, rain and yet more rain. “Now what are we gonna do?”
“Hmm?” asked Barlow, who had just decided to wake up.
“Weather, awful. My mood, ruined. The whole damn day stretching out ahead of us…awful and ruined,” said the author. “I hate Mondays.”
“And I hate rain,” said Barlow. “But I'm sure we can find something to do that’s entertaining and/or has comedic value.”
“Ya think?” said the author. “Not with the spiffingly Famous Five around. With them by our sides, comedic value flies out the window.”
“Oh.” Barlow looked a little put out. “Board games?”
“That’ll look normal, pieces moving by themselves.”
“Charades?”
“Too many strange things happen when we play charades.”
“Oh yeah…strip poker?”
“I'm not even gonna answer that.”
“Will you two shut up?!” moaned Kate. “It’s only…” She fumbled for a clock.
“Midday,” said the author.
“Oh. O.K., do what you like,” said Kate, now fumbling for her uniform. “What are we doing today then? The weather’s not so good.”
“We’ve pretty much eliminated every single game that has comedic value,” said Barlow. “There’s only one left.”
“What?” asked Kate. “I Spy.”
********************
Jessie and James huddled in the one room in the ruined castle that actually had a ceiling and walls. They had been on ‘watch duty’, looking for a mysterious ship (ohohohoh…mysterious ship…sorry, couldn’t resist) that kept appearing in the cove and leaving little packages full of children’s clothes. (Anyone else confused? I sure as hell am). They clung to each other for platonic warmth.
“I'm hungry,” moaned James.
“Well we can’t go out there, my hair will be ruined!” exclaimed Jessie.
“Why don’t I go, grab some donuts and come back?” suggested James.
“Because…” Jessie struggled to find a reason. The fact was, she was really enjoying being so close to James (I wanna get close to you…wow, this could be turning into a song fic before my very eyes) and didn’t want him to go. She settled for, “Because I said so.”
“Oh…O.K…I guess,” said James, not really caring all that much. He was enjoying being close to the red haired girl too. (ohohohoh mysterious red haired girl…) O.K., it was weird having Jessie not hitting him, but what the hell? I don’t hate it thought James. He snuggled a bit closer (move your body close to mine) and still Jessie did not hit him.
Dare I? he thought.
Should I see more, or hit at this? thought Jessie. Both of them suddenly thought I’ve got the urge! Yes, yes, YES! This resulted in Jessie hitting James just as he was about to kiss her. James fell to the floor, rubbing his head in shock.
“What the hell was that for?!” he asked. Jessie could see that this time she really had gone too far.
“I-I'm sorry…” she stuttered.
“Jessie, I am not your punch bag!” James yelled at her, going an intriguing shade of red.
“James please, I really am sorry,” said Jessie. To her horror, James sprang to his feet and hit her hard. She fell back on the stone floor, tasting blood. She felt her bleeding lip, wincing a little. He had barely missed her eye as well. She could feel another cut above her eyelid. (This is turning into a drama before my very eyes!!!!)
“Why do you insist on hitting me all the time?!” James asked. “Am I any different to you? It still hurts Jess!”
“What do you want me to say?!!” Jessie protested. “I'm only human James!”
“And I'm human too!” James fired back. “So stop treating me like a piece of dirt!” James shot one more scornful and almost triumphant look at her, then turned on his heel and swept out into the rain. Jessie could only stare after him. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? A little too ironic…
********************
“What do you wanna do today?” Brock asked. He and Misty had taken shelter under a tree. Misty shrugged.
“I don’t really mind…hey, is that James?” she asked, squinting over to the ruined castle.
“He looks pissed,” Brock commented.
“Yeah he does. Look at his face. It’s such an intriguing shade of red,” said Misty. “He must be so angry.” James saw them looking at him, and ran as fast as he could in the other direction.
“Was that…blood on his shirt?” asked Brock, squinting at James. Or his version of squinting anyway. His eyes seemed to have sunken into his head. It was somewhat scary, and not attractive. Misty looked at her now even more eyeless partner, thinking why me?
“You don’t think he did something to Jessie do you?” Misty wondered.
“I don’t think so. James isn’t really the violent type,” said Brock.
“Maybe they had a really big argument,” suggested Misty. “In any case, we should go and see if she’s O.K.” They ran to the castle, trying to prevent themselves from getting too wet. They found Jessie huddled in a corner, crying.
“Oh Jessie!” exclaimed Misty. “What happened? Did James do this?” She sat next to her and looked at her swollen lip. “That doesn’t have comedic value!”
“It was my fault,” said Jessie. “I hit him first…he just lost it…”
“Guess James packs a punch after all. I think that’s him over there, standing on the shore,” said Brock, looking out to the cove. (I stop and stare at you, standing on the shore…I try to concentrate, my mind wants to explore…I really need to concentrate on my story and stop exploring new and gay song fics)
********************
“I Spy with my little eye, something beginning with R,” said the author.
“Rain,” said Barlow.
“You got it,” said the author. “Yay.”
“Oh for goodness’ sake, lighten up,” sighed Barlow. “I know there’s nothing to do, but you’re not helping.”
“Fine. See ya.” The author walked out of the cave.
“Shouldn’t we go after her?” Kate asked Barlow.
“In this mood? That would be like poking a Dragonite in the eye with a javelin,” Barlow pointed out. “I'm not taking any chances with her. She might start breathing fire for all you know!”
“I guess anything is possible,” agreed Kate. “Your turn.”
“I Spy with my little eye, something beginning with R…”
********************
The rain stopped just as the sun went down that evening. The author watched it set. She was glad the day had finally ended. On the hillside, she could see annoying gay Dick keeping watch. Suddenly, a scream pierced the night silence. A child’s scream. A little girl. The author watched Dick slide down into the cave, then went to explore. She thought she saw a man go down the steps to the castle dungeons with a sack on his back (like Santa!) but she couldn’t be sure. The author shuddered, and went into the cave to join Kate and Barlow. She was fine with horror movies (although she hadn’t quite gotten over the Ring and was unable to stay in a room with a static TV without screaming) but when the horror was real, she needed to be with someone she trusted. Kate and Barlow, her only friends in the world, would have to do. (apart from a dodgy French writer called Le Roy, who she met at a writer’s convention in Amsterdam, where incidentally she had an AmsterDAMN good time)
Part Four: Mystery Solved
“So what can this mean?” asked Dick.
“Duh. A kidnapping,” said Barlow. “Even I worked that one out, and I'm the dumb one.
” “I never wanna hear you say that!” cried Kate. “You are smart, and sensitive, and kinda handsome. So don’t say you’re stupid, coz you’re so not!”
“Why Kate, I never knew you cared!” said Barlow.
“Yes you did, you fool.”
“So what are we going to do?” asked Anne. “Rescue the girl?”
“That’s a jolly fine idea, but how?” wondered Julian.
“We could always set Jessie on the kidnapper,” suggested Brock. I like him because he’s sensible. “Then send someone to pick up the pieces.”
“Well, how about we wait until the man’s asleep, unlock the girl, then take her back to the mainland. Then the police can come back here for the guy,” said George.
“But what if he escapes from the island?” asked Misty. “He’s got a boat too.”
“Well, we could leave Jessie and James here to make sure he doesn’t escape,” Brock suggested.
“Don’t forget Meowth!” cried Meowth.
“Brock, I'm not sure that’s such a good idea. The last time they were alone together they started a fight,” Misty reminded him.
“I’ll take care of dem, make sure dey don’t kill each oda,” said Meowth, puffing out his chest. “And I’ll take care of da kidnapper too. No one gets past Meowth.”
“Right then. Tonight, we sail for the mainland,” said Dick. Kate looked up at the author who had been watching from a mysterious cupboard that had conveniently appeared…in a cave…
“Are you coming?” she asked.
“I don’t think one boat will take me as well,” said the author. “I’ll be fine here. I’ll stop Jessie and James from getting in another argument.”
“We’ve got two boats, through the power of Japanation. I'm sure we can squeeze you in,” said Kate.
“I said, I’ll be fine,” the author insisted. Kate shrugged.
“I'm going swimming then, until tonight. Anyone else coming?” Misty asked. They all grabbed swimming costumes and went outside, except Kate and Barlow. Kate turned to the author.
“You coming?” she asked. The author shook her head.
“I'm not in the mood,” she said tonelessly. “What’s the matter? You weren’t like this in the last fic,” she asked. “You can tell me and Barlow, we’re your only friends in the world except that Le Roy dude.” Barlow shivered. He/she had been one dodgy French person.
“It’s just that…well…”
“Yes?”
“This is going to be the last Something Amiss story,” said the author. “I can feel it. Everything’s coming to an ending.”
“So? All good things come to an end,” Kate said.
“But what if we never see each other again?” wailed Barlow.
“That’ll never happen,” said Kate firmly.
“How do you know?” asked Barlow. Kate poked him.
“What do you mean how do I know?!” she said angrily. “We’ve come too far for the gang to just split up.” Spasm suddenly woke up from it’s corner and crawled onto the author’s lap.
“Spasm?” it asked. (Why are you sad?) The author stroked it, hairs standing up on her head.
“I'm sad because the story’s about to end,” she said. “And we’re all gonna be split up.”
“Spasm, spasm spaz.” (It can’t stay like this forever. Eventually we have to move on.) The author sighed.
“I guess you’re right. You’re pretty smart for a bundle of fuzz and static electricity,” she said.
“And anyway, we’ll see each other again. No story can stay ended forever. I'm sure we’ll come back in yet another crappy sequel,” said Barlow. The author hadn’t noticed until now, but his arm was firmly wrapped around Kate. She was glad things had worked out for them at least. But what about…
“Jessie and James,” said the author.
“What about them?” asked Barlow.
“They’re really miserable, both of them,” she said. “I feel guilty. So much for their happy ending.”
“How do you know they’re miserable?” persisted Kate.
“What do you mean how do I know?!” said the author, poking her. “I'm the author. I feel things. I know when something’s not right.” She looked up at them. “I know when something’s amiss.”
“Maybe you should get writing,” Barlow suggested. “We all need a happy ending.”
“Yes we do,” agreed the author. “And some of us deserve it more than others.”
********************
The author sat at her computer. She only had a couple of hours before sunset and the ending. She had to write things so that everything went well. She tucked her hair behind her ears and started typing.
James felt terrible. Out of all the times he’d done something wrong, this was the worst. He’d actually attacked Jessie. He’d hit her, hard enough to draw blood. He felt awful. There had to be some way he could make it up to her.
Right there and then, James decided something abut himself. He was a coward, a coward living in fear of what other people thought. But he would not be a coward any more. He set off towards the cove, where he knew the final test would be waiting, her hair blowing into her sapphire eyes. (oooh, Eevee’s getting poetic…what’s come over me?)
The author sat back from her computer. She’d set the wheel in motion. Now all she had to do was wait.
Part Five: All Together Now
Disclaimer: Oh woowzee wow!!!! A Grease spoof!!! I bet ya didn’t see that one comin’!!! Anyway, I don’t own Grease, some strange Hamburger-a-go-go types do…or something to that effect.
“Rare candy!” Ash jerked awake from a frightening dream. He looked blearily at his clock. “Damn. Eight o’clock already? Come on Pikachu, we gotta get to work.” His little yellow rat mumbled something. Ash sighed and pulled on his clothes. But oddly, his gay cap had been substituted for an even more gay paper hat. He tied an apron round his waist. “We have to go now Pikachu.” Pikachu thundershocked him. “Fine…I’ll pick you up at lunch.” With that, Ash walked out of his house and got a little cart out from the garage. He started wheeling it along the road. “Candied apples for sale! Lovely toffee apples, only one pound a pair!”
I'm frightened. Really I am. I don’t think I’ll ever eat a toffee apple ever again. Be afraid readers. Be very afraid. One day, when you least expect it…expect it…
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James could see her now, not far off. Thank goodness she hadn’t seen him. The way he’d treated her, he wouldn’t be surprised if she turned and ran for the hills (sorry Roy!! That’s for stealing ‘the one and only’!!). He hoped she wouldn’t.
He had a speech planned out in his head. It wasn’t much, but…James thought for a moment, watching as Jessie threw a stone into the water. It sank immediately. Maybe talking to her would just create another argument. That wouldn’t be good. She’d lose her temper, and he’d probably lose his. Maybe just this once…
“Jess?” Jessie wheeled around, a stone raised in her hand. When she saw who it was, she turned back to the waves lapping into the cove and threw the stone as hard as she could. It whizzed off, out of sight, and sunk beneath the waves. James felt his heart sink with it, right into his shoes.
“What do you want?” asked Jessie, keeping her back turned. “To say sorry?”
“Yes. So sorry.” He moved closer to her so that when she turned around again their faces were within about three centimetres of each other.
“Why did you come here?” she whispered. A tear rolled down her cheek. “For a laugh? Big tough Jessie…crying over some guy.” She turned her face away, but he caught her chin and made her look at him. His heart beat faster, thudding so loud he felt sure Jessie could hear it. And I think, I'm not entirely sure, that Jessie may have stopped breathing (remember readers, oxygen is highly important. Under no circumstances should you attempt to go without it).
“Some guy?” James whispered. He tentatively leaned forwards, closing his eyes…then…
“HEY!!! YOU TWO!!!” A cry from the hilltop broke them apart. Brock stood on the hill, he’s usually perfect timing tragically skewed (much like the rest of him…oh how I love you, my dearest Mr Squinty) “THE SPIFFINGLY FAMOUS FIVE CAUGHT THE SMUGGLERS!!!! WE’RE HAVING A PARTY!!!! THEY EVEN INVITED SOME RANDOM STRANGERS!!!! COME AND PAAARRR-TAY!!” (Ooh, I'm a mean author. Don’t worry it’ll be worth it in the end). Jessie and James looked at each other. Mood ruined. They trudged back up the hill to the party.
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When the spiffingly Famous Five throw a party, they really throw a party. There were rides, games, free food…it’s amazing what you can cram onto a tiny Godforsaken island through the mysterious powers of Japanation. Our favourite heroes laughed amongst themselves. Well when I say gang, I really mean Kate Barlow, and the author. The Pokemon had all disappeared and Brock and Misty were off snogging somewhere (I think. Who cares? They’re not the main characters anyway, even though I'm angry and upset that Brock betrayed me so. Oh Mr Squinty, how could you do this to me? There’s only so much a girl can bear!!!! Ah well. All’s well that begins well.)
“All the gang’s together again,” said Kate happily.
“But what about Jessie and James?” asked Barlow.
“They’ll make it up,” said the author firmly.
“But what about after the ending?” asked Barlow. “What if we never see each other again?”
“Oh that’ll never happen,” laughed the author.
“How do you know?” persisted Barlow.
“What do you mean how do I know?!” screamed the author, pushing him onto one of those ‘test your strength’ things. The bell pinged above them. The author looked at the gang.
“A-wop ba-ba lu-mop?” she asked. (This is normal for me, I often sprout rubbish)
“A-wop bam boom!” they all yelled. As you can imagine, a whole load of random people started singing and dancing, just like Grease. Yay!!!!! Jessie and James looked down at them dancing from the hilltop.
“We should go join them,” said Jessie, starting down the path. James meekly followed her. Soon they were laughing with the rest. They all formed a massive line. The random people whirled around and made an arch with their arms. All the couples came dancing down it and were given a copy of Something Amiss: The Trilogy. Kate and Barlow, Brock and Misty… The random people all sang as one.
“When we go out at night
And stars are shining bright
Up in the skies above
Or at the high school dance
Where we can find romance
Maybe, it might be love…” Suddenly a shower of sparkly things rained from the sky. The author looked up at the heavens.
“It is time!” she cried, trying to sound dramatic. Through the mystical powers of Japanation, three balloons appeared. One shaped like a Psyduck, one like a Spasm…and one like a Meowth. All the couples piled into their balloons, and the Pokemon, who had also conveniently appeared. Meowth yelled at Jessie and James from their balloon.
“Come on you guys!!!” he yelled. Jessie started to walk towards the balloon but James yanked her back.
“Ow!” she complained. Then she looked at the sky. “What the--?” A final burst of glimmering confetti showered down on her and James. Laughing, he pulled her towards him and finally managed to actually kiss her. All the couples in the balloons cheered, except Meowth, who looked a bit sick.
“Oh come on you two!!!” he yelled. They broke apart and clambered into the balloon. The random people danced below them, singing.
“We’ll always be together
We’ll always be together
We’ll always be together…”
Far away from here, in a quiet village, a blue haired man gives his new wife seven red roses. Six are real, one is plastic. She puts them in a little vase on the windowsill, and waters them faithfully. The man says to her, “I will love you until the last rose dies.” She smiles and kisses him.
“Until the last rose dies…”
Eevee’s Glossary
Hi everyone, and welcome to Eevee’s glossary. Here you can find all the words you’ll ever need to fully understand (?) Something Amiss. Have I forgotten your favourite? Tell me at dovesista@btopenworld.com
amiss: Wrong, not right, unsuitable…there are many alternative words. But I think this one just has the right ring to it. And nothing will prove me otherwise. You can try, but you will never succeed. You may control my body, but you will never control my will!!!!
antidisestablishmentarianism: is a very long word. Try spelling it without a spell check. It can be quite amusing. (When I say it, I mean antidisestablishmentarianism, not the word it. Coz that would just be stupid)
Ash: The so called ‘hero’ of the Pokemon series, Ash has unfortunately been in every single episode. Although, to give him some credit, he was actually one of my many inspirations for Something Amiss.(see also Zelda) That’s right, while daydreaming in a random class (possibly French or German or Geography) my mind wandered to the fantastic series. Unfortunately, me being insane, my mind twisted Ash’s character until he became the scary British dude we all know and…ahem…love?
Barlow: Stupid yet sweet, Barlow is Kate’s partner in crime. I invented him, and he is one of the only people/things that can see me (see also Kate and Spasm)
binoculars: Like a telescope, but two of them stuck together. Team Rocket have an endless supply. Very good for spying on people, especially when they’re hepped up on rare candy (see also hidden camera)
B*Witched: An Irish band from the 90s. They were actually quite good in their day. I myself have two of their albums, plus the song Jesse Hold On on vinyl. But here’s the spooky part: one day they just DISAPPEARED!!!! That’s right, B*Witched are gone without a trace. If anyone knows where they are (and if they’re still alive) please tell me and save my remaining sanity.
Brock: A squinty eyed ‘friend’ of Ash, although he doesn’t hesitate to join Team Rocket when Ash gets British and scary. I think that says something about their ‘friendship’. Brock was temporarily replaced by Tracey in the Orange Island series when he went to join Poison…oh whoops, Professor Ivy, although thankfully he returned to save us from the gay headband wearing one in the Johto series. I personally really like Brock, I like him a lot. He is without a doubt the best twerp of them all. He has a lot of comedic value as he tends to fall in love with every girl he doesn’t see (because unfortunately, he has no eyes. Just for fun, when Roy’s sister was watching a clip from Pokemon, she saw Brock and remarked, “Why hasn’t he got eyes?” I think that sums it up.)
candied apples: Whether spiked with rare candy or just plain, I can see why these tempted Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. They’re just full of chewy yumminess and can have comedic value (see below).
clowns: Supposedly funny men dressed up in stupid outfits. They give many children nightmares and I don’t blame them. For me, a clown named CoCo gave me my first taste of insanity. So thanks a lot. If it weren’t for you, I possibly wouldn’t have written Something Amiss………I'm not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing…I’ll leave that for you to decide.
comedic value: One of the most well used phrases in Something Amiss and my personal catchphrase. If something has comedic value, it sends messages to your brain telling you to laugh. Whether or not you think something has comedic value or not is really down to your interpretation of funny, and as a deranged person, my idea of funny will always be tragically skewed.
conveniently forgotten: When something that happened previously is never mentioned again because it would make things too complicated. Although, conveniently forgetting things can sometimes also led to confusion, so be careful how you use it.
Cupid: A small fat cherub type guy that flies around hitting people with arrows. Why hasn’t he been arrested? Because he claims to do it in the name of luuuurve.
Dominic: A character I invented but we never really got the chance to speak as I mainly follow Kate and Barlow. Anyway, he was kidnapped by Ash and taught the ways of the whip. He also developed a scary British accent, which makes perfect sense of course.
donut: Oh my goodness, don’t you know this already?! Very well. A donut is a small sugary snack made of dough with jam in the middle, although balls of rice with seaweed wrapped around them have also been mistaken for this treat (goodness knows how. Japanese people are weird) But wait a second!!! Some donuts can also have chocolate in them, or even custard. And…wait for it…some have no filling at all!!!! That’s right, some donuts have empty spaces where jammy goodness ought to be. Although, some compensate for this by coming with pots of choccy sauce…yum…
Eevee: Hey, an autobiography!!! Fame!!! O.K., well, I'm Eevee and I wrote the Something Amiss Trilogy. I also put myself in the story, for extra comedic value (see above) and the characters that I created can see me and talk to me, although, if you’ve been paying proper attention, you might notice that sometimes I manage to communicate with others as well…it only happens once in a blue moon, but look out for those…um…moons…I was once mistaken for an angel!!! And the ghost of fanfiction future…
Elite Four: Four super-dee-dooper trainers that make up the Pokemon league (in the game. I never watched any of the league eps in the series so I'm not sure how it works. Am I right in saying trainers who have collected all eight badges battle each other in rounds? Contact me and tell me how right I am)
Emily: …ahem…how did that get there…?...
failure: I looked this up in my thesaurus and found that failure means let down, malfunction, collapse, disappointment or not a success. Unfortunately for my sanity, it also means breakdown, crash or my personal favourite, stoppage. Hmm.
flawless: “…but this time our plan was flawless!” “You say every plan is flawless and we always get shocked!” Personally, I don’t believe anything in this world is flawless. The twerps are a living example.
Gary: He’s Ash’s rival and is a lot cooler. He even got his own cheerleaders, although they did mysteriously disappear, just like B*Witched…oh look, a theme is emerging…
gay: I'm not explaining this. Watch Will and Grace yourselves, you lazy things (see below).
Ghostbusters: I love that film. The song is rockin. Basically, a load of ghosts get busted. ‘Nuff said.
Ghost of fanfiction future: What can I say? Frightening thirteen year old boys is fun.
hat: Something that covers your head and keeps it snug and toasty. I personally have a very nice hat, that I didn’t like half as much when I discovered my granddad has one practically identical…anyway, the worst hat of all time has to be Ash’s stupid league hat, which is why I got rid of it.
James: James makes up one third of the trio of failures we all know and love. James likes donuts and hamburgers, is beaten up on a regular basis and has a strange obsession with cross dressing. His hair is blue/purple and always has that annoying little strand hanging into his face and his eyes are green. He is also exceedingly stupid, but very loveable (and Roy has a crush on him!!!! I personally think he is quite fit, but hello? Cartoon character? It’s not natural Roy)
Jessie: Some people spell this Jesse, which I did originally until Roy pointed out that that is the guy way of spelling it and spoilt my fun. Anyway…Jessie is very violent and likes to hit people with either a mallet, a frying pan or a paper fan, although she has been known to strike with other random objects too. She had a crappy childhood and is part of the fantastic Team Rocket!!! Yay!!!
Jessiebelle: A very scary character with an obsession with whips and manners. Apparently James’s fiancée, but come on. They’re not suited!!! (apologies to whipshippers or whatever Jessiebelle and James shippers call themselves)
Kate: Barlow’s partner in crime. She has purple hair (disturbing) and can be quite violent. Remember the wrestling match in the ruined castle? I sure do. That was fun…
mascot: A lucky charm or talisman. It was used to describe Meowth in Something Amiss 1, though looking at the synonyms I'm not sure why. Jessie and James have no more luck when they’re with Meowth than when they’re without him (although it makes it tricky to say the motto, unless you’re thinking Johto series, as they’ve got Wobbafet then…I'm losing myself in pointless conversation again…)
Misty: She comes from a water Pokemon gym, blah blah etc etc…She’s annoying and twerpy. That’s all you need to know.
motto: Of course, the Team Rocket motto is a vital part of any episode or fanfiction. I myself have created two original mottos, the Team Twerpo motto and the Team Hornio motto. I found later that I couldn’t use the Team Twerpo one again because it mentions fake weddings. Not that I really needed to use it again, but still…shame.
Pikachu: Here are my theories about Pikachu: 1) It’s evil 2) It’s annoying 3) It’s in a weird relationship with Ash.
Spasm: The ultimate twitching Pokemon, owned by Kate and Barlow. Dom has one too, and there are even rumours that the author has one…question: where do they come from???!!!
spiffing: Good, super…basically a crappy old fashioned word to describe anything decent, therefore ruining it. The Famous Five are truly spiffing.
The Twerps: The twerps aka Ash, Misty and Brock have been bugging Team Rocket since the show began. Out of all of them, Brock is definitely the best, as he is the only one with half a brain. I mean, he can cook, he can read a map, and he’s a gym leader with some decent Pokemon. And he manages to do it all without eyes. That is a true hero.
Togepi: A very annoying edible egg. Turn it evil and you’ve nearly got a decent character…but it’s still annoying and edible.
transvestite: James.
Will and Grace: One of my favourite programs. The cast squeal at each other and wave their arms around a lot (did anyone see the one with the Footloose dance in it? That was a classic example)…what could be better? There is only one problem with this show. Whenever I try and type the word Grace, nine times out of ten I put Garce.
Zelda: A very talented Team Rocket fanfiction author. She/he wrote the amazing unaired episodes, possibly the most funny fanfictions of all time (although if you think you wanna prove me wrong then send yours in). For that, I give you my highest commendations and wish you all the best in the future. You are my inspiration, and a master of the fine art of comedic value.
Author’s Final Final Notes: Well, it’s been a long hard slog but Something Amiss has finally packed it’s little fictional bags and left the building. If you’re sad to see it go, good. If you’re not, why have you read it up to this point? And you see, I win again.
I had a lot of fun writing it, remember that I do not own anything but have loved twisting a lot of things to my will. Thank you to Roy for all your inspiration and to my parents for not killing me when you found out what I was writing all those hours in the study. And with that, I leave you. But remember: Something Amiss is never really over because it’s got…me. And I will keep it alive and kicking in my heart.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Come again.
