Her eyes were beginning to hurt, they always did when it got be so late. Her head was hurting; it always hurt when she got to be so lonely. The music playing in her ears was keeping her from falling off of the edge of sanity. It was what was holding her, keeping her from falling off the cliff. It was what was whispering in her ear to keep the bad thoughts away. She knew that if the music stopped, the bad thoughts would return. She knew the moment the sweet sound of passion left her, those thoughts would return. She knew the moment her mind ceased to envision the movements of the rhythms and melodies and harmonies and all the intricate qualities of the tangible beauty she was absorbing, that that image would flash in her mind again.
She would just let her mind wander for a moment... and she'd see the glint of the knife in her mind's eye and she'd snap back to reality. Well, to the music. Reality was far too harsh to face completely at the moment. She glances over at the clock by the radio, "Fuck, 3am..." She shakes her head and looks up at the ceiling again. The CD stops, and she sees the glint of the knife again. " NO!" She yells as she gets up frustratedly and changes starts the CD over again. She sits back down on her bed and buries her face in her hands. And then glint of the knife again. Her nails dig into her face, making imprints on the soft, pale, and somewhat feverish skin of her delicate face. The pain, releasing some of the tension... her nails then scratching down, tearing just slightly at the skin. And then, not only the glint of the knife, but the crimson of the blood. " God, NO!" She exclaims as she jumps up, now sobbing. "I can't! I won't!" But all the while knowing it was what she longed for most. She throws herself down onto her couch, curling her knees up to her, nuzzling her head down into her pillow. The softness of the pillow brought such pain. It only made her think more thoughts. Bad thoughts as well, but bad for another reason. She felt the warmth radiating from the softness, and she felt so tangibly that longing to be held. She felt so cold in the absence of love. She felt the void it left be its absence...and then the glint of the knife again. The music wasn't helping anymore. No matter what she did, she couldn't get rid of the bad thoughts. She sees the glint of the knife... and she indulges herself in fantasy. She sees it cut in. She can feel the pain, her nails digging into her own arms as she sees the moonlit metal diving deeper into her small, pale wrist. She sees the blood all over her, like a crimson blanket. She sees her body lying there, limp, lifeless. She feels the release from the pain. She opens her eyes and lets out a heavy sigh, knowing she can never have that release. "I... just can't." She tells herself. "I just can't. There has to be some other way out. I just can't. I CAN'T"
But oh how she wanted to. And she hated herself for it. She had so many times talked friends and lovers out of what she now longed for so completely. How could this happen to her? She was asking herself over and over. How could she be so stupid? How could she be so fucking weak? But life just had no appeal to her. All that appealed was death. The only one that would embrace her now. She could feel death calling to her, beckoning her to its arms. It was the only one that would promise to end to her suffering. Her life, to her, seemed impossible to live, and she had no way out. No way -- except death. But she was far too reasonable for that. She could never bring herself to do it. Or maybe she could, she thought, but she didn't want to find out.
"Have to get this off of my mind somehow..." She went and looked out her window, the night just reminded her of herself. Dark, cold... she was the moon. She was a mass of cold, lifeless, colorless matter without the presence of someone -- anyone that would love her. That would hold her. That would make her feel alive. She was one of the dead roses setting in a vase on her desk, dead for lack of the sun -- of love. She was everything in which she saw no light and everything in which she saw no love. She was everywhere where she saw sorrow and lonliness.
But looking at the moon -- so like herself -- she felt not so alone. Her eyes locked onto the moon and she felt drawn out into the night. She knew it was crazy. But then again, what's worse... going for a walk or -- well she knew what was worse, and it wasn't the walk. "Oh fuck it, why the hell not?" She pulled on her black pants and grabbed a random shirt and pulled it down over her head. Shoes, keys, out the door and on her way. She really didn't know where she was going, but she felt as if she was answering the call of the moon. As if the night were some sister calling her to her. Beckoning her to her, to comfort her. She walked where her senses led her, she felt as if she was going somewhere, but had no idea where.
Her eyes were glued to the moon as she walked. The more she looked, the more she saw. It wasn't quite as lifeless as it had seemed. She could see all of the contour, all of details of its surface. All of its scars. It looked so lonely up there, surrounded by black, cold night. She could see all the twinkling stars, all floating away from her, the moon, herself. It was all the same really it seemed. There she was, surrounded by the cold night, by the black void of her earthly life, with all the little twinkling people, shining so far away from her. She knew it was crazy but she felt closer then to that massive celestial body up in the sky than she had to anyone. As she put one foot in front of another, as her eyes were locked to the moon, she felt in a trance. Time didn’t seem tangible anymore, and all that seemed to exist was the moon. But her eyes stayed with the moon, and didn’t stray. The moon gave her such a feeling of familiarity that she wasn’t scared, she didn’t realize things around her changing around her until she suddenly stopped. Her feet just stopped walking, almost of their own will -- or someone else’s -- and she looked around again. She had no idea where she was now. She was standing in front of an old house. A marvelous house, though old and decrepit. She stood directly in front of a wrought iron gate with the most detailed design she'd ever seen. Swirls of black metal, imprints of roses, of ivy, and on top of the gate -- which came just up to her chest -- was a carving of the moon. Before she knew it, she was opening the gate and walking down the pathway to the door. Her eyes once again were locked onto the moon as she found herself walking up the steps of the porch.
The house looked as if it hadn't been inhabited in at the very least a century. She noticed much of the wood of the wrap around porch seemed to be rotting and she could smell a faint scent of decay. Suddenly she realized how odd it was that she had never noticed this house before, she looked behind her for the first time since leaving her door and realized she was far away from any sign of anything she knew. She couldn't even see a road, all she could see behind her was a vast field of grass, and just as she wondering where she had come from, she hears a voice from around the corner of the house. A voice soft, yet aged sounding. It sounded like smooth -- but like a rock that had been worn down by the tides, pulled up and down by the moon. "I brought you here." The confused girl turned to see a woman step out around the corner of the house. "The moon brought me here" She said as she looks into the woman's eyes. A dark blue, as dark as the night, but as radiant as the moon. Her face was a light silvery color, reminiscent of the surface of the moon. "Yes, child. I, the moon, you... 'tis all the same in our hearts." The woman said, with wicked tenderness. She stepped closer, now standing full in front of her. She glistened in the moonlight. She wore a shimmering black dress that seemed to surround her as the night surrounded the moon. Her hair was the color of the night, the deepest, yet most brilliant blue she'd ever seen. "You... were calling to me... you... why did you.....?" She said as her eyes are now drawn into the eyes of the woman before her, just as they were to the moon. "Why don't you come inside, m'love. I will explain it all to you." She says she moves toward her company and wraps her arm around her to lead her inside. "It will all make sense to you when it is meant to, child."
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