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Dear Melsondorph,
I have been having trouble with everyone lately, it seems. Im not sure what to do about it, I just get around certain people and well, I just want to kill them. Its not like anyone though, its just people like, My parents, my neighbors, the Police, the Postman, the owner of the butcher shop, the king of north spain, the queen of england, miscilanious animals that fall into my window, plants, all carnivores, republicans, democrats, indians, chinese people, bagels, woodpeckers, white people, people that look like me, people that dont look like me, people that are breathing, people that are not breathing, people that look at me, people that talk to me, people that wont look at me, people that wont talk to me, everyone I know, everyone i dont know, all the populous of this planet, space aliens, any form of life, inanimate objects, all kinds of fruit, any vegtible, hmmm, i think thats about it. So, these particular people just really send me into an uncontrollable rage, and i just want to kill them all, what should I do Melsondorph? Please help me.
Signed,
Confused people person
Well Confused people person, what you are feeling is perfectly normal, most people have an intense craveing to kill everyone they see. The best course of action to let out these frustrations would be to vent them. Say for instance, go to a public place with a high powered macheine gun and just vent all that anger out. This is a technique devloped by psychiatrists in the early 1800s, at the time of the invention of the macheine gun. For your throbbing hatrid of outer space aliens, just -every so often- go outside and fire a handgun into the air, then calmly say,"Die you alien scum, i am letting my feelings of disgust for you come out, and i feel good about myself, i am a beautiful person." then you should feel completely better, not shaking and screaming out for the blood of all those around you.
yours truely,
Melsondorph:)
Dear Melsondorph,
Yesterday I was in the front lawn and my neighbor said hello. Then I said hello back. Then about an hour later I went outside and mowed the grass on my front lawn. My lawn mower was a little sluggish bacause of the wind so it took me a little longer than normal. But after I got done mowing I went inside and had some dinner and read the newspaper. Then after a relaxing evening I went to bead. So, Melsondorph, what should I do?
Signed,
Morton
Well Morton, it sounds to me like your problem lies in an extreme case of sexual repression, in short Morton, your gay. Dont let this fact scare you, just try to breath deeply and accept it. And remember, always, red sky in the mornin, sailor take warnin, red sky at night, sailor take flight. Thats a little bit of advice that will help you in any situation.
Signed,
Melsondorph
Dear Melsondorph,
Every time I get into a stressful situation I start to get angry. The anger leads to fury in some cases. I just lose control and start screaming, setting things on fire, throwing around furniture, and calling everyone I see names riddled with profanity. What can I do?
Signed,
Jared
Jared, I can see you have some sort of deep emotional problem. Any "therapist" would tell you its an anger problem. but your true problem Jared is, put quite simply, you are gay. I know your going to think, "ohh, he is crazy, he has no idea what he is saying." But what you REALLY need to do, is come to terms with your homosexuality rather than listen to these "professionals" who are telling you about your "anger problems".
Signed,
Melsondorph
Dear Melsondorph,
Today I was sitting at church, listening to the preacher talking.
The
preacher was telling a story about sodom and gamorah, about how
everyone
commited terrible acts of sexual perversion and what not. Well, I was
expecting him to talk about how all that stuff was bad, but then he
went on
about how it was all wonderful, the greatest society that every
existed, and
that he would've loved to have been there to lead the charge of sexual
antics. My Dad even leaned over and whispered in my ear, "you know,
he's
right son. sodom and gamorah was the greatest achievement of human
civilization. I hope some day, when you can grow up, you will be like
the
sodom and gamorahns." All this kind of freaked me out, Melsondorph, and I'm
not
sure what to do. Please help
Signed,
Albertus
Well Albertus, it sounds to me like your dad and preacher are veary veary smart people. Its common knowlage that Sodom and Gamorah were the most advanced and wonderful cities that have ever existed, utopias. You and veary silly and stupid to have not known that, and to not have realised that it was true when you were told these things. Ok Albertus, here is what you need to do, embrace your homosexuality, deep down inside we are all homosexual, especially you. These things you are thinking, like say "homosexuality is bad." are lies that have ben put in your mind by evil people who doubt their own homosexuality. So Billy, just remember, one day America will turn into Sodam and Gamorah, and you had better have come to terms with your homosexuality by then, because if you havent, I will kill you.
Sincerely
Melsondorph
Dear Melsondorph,
Everyday, from the time I get up, everywhere I go, there are
federal
agents following me. When I reach into my closet for my coat, there is
a
federal agent in there. When I eat my cinky-puffs (I'm kacky for kinky
puffs!!!) there is a federal agent sitting next to me eating his kinky
puffs
too. When I drive to school, five federal agents ride in the car with
me
(it's awfully crowded!!!!) And all my teachers are federal agents and
my Mom
and Dad have been killed and replaced by federal agents. My dog is gone
too,
and a federal agent lives in the dog house. Also, the government ran
every
single person out of my neighborhood and replaced them with federal
agents.
I've heard that this happens to a lot of people. (((Sigh))) Any ideas?
Signed,
Spider-Man
Spider-man,
You have a veary common problem from which everyone suffers from time to time, you have federal agents watching you at all times, and your parents have been killed and replaced by federal agents. Now, here is what you need to do to solve this problem, first you must realize that all of the federal agents are loving, careing, homosexuals. You need to think about their needs as living, breathing, homosexuals. Then maybe they will leave you alone or kill you, they wont do bolth, for that would be impossible, unless of course they left you alone and THEN killed you.
yours truely,
Melsondorph
Hey Melsondorph, I have a question to ask you! The other day I was at school
and my
teacher gave all the students cream pies for homework and then started
shouting that we were all hoodlums, what should I do?
with passionate
love,
Dwaine
Dearest Dwaine,
This is a very intresting question you have asked me, so your teacher was shouting. You and your teacher both have very repressed homosexual cravings. This is very obvious from your letter. You see, the fact she gave you cream pies for homework, this is also intresting, for cream or "chreme" is derived from latin meaning, "i have repressed", while pies or "peies" comes from latin meaning "homosexual cravings". So, it is all spelled out for you right there.
yours veary truely til the veary end of eternity
Melsondorph
Hey MELSONDORPH! I was wondering if I could have all your money and paants?
Love
ANONYMOUS!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT KNOW ME!!!! NO ONE CAN!!!!!!!! I MUST NO
BREATH AIR!!!!!!!!! OHMYGOD!!!!!!!
Anonymous,
So you want all of my money and paants? I think what you are really trying to tell me is "I want all of your money and paants and to free the bottled up homosexual urges I have inside". Well, wanting money, paants, and to free your homosexuality, are veary good things to want, so, just do that for yourself. But I need my money, but you can have my paants, i dont need them anymore, im joining a homosexual nudist colony.
really really really really sincerely,
Melsondorph
Dear Melsondorph,
When I got married, I expected that there would be no leackage from the pool deck. Well everything was fine until arguements like that got stirred up. The tea was very delicious, in fact, you should've sat next to it! But that's just the beginning. He gave me a little slip of paper and I read the peaches mortitian against the war of the worlds! Haha! Can you doubt me now? Well, just porpoise your handwipes today or fignuten, ok? What should I do?
love and money
Don
My Dear Don,
Civil War. Wooden Teeth. Stone tools and weapons. Declaration of Independence. Pyramids. Trojan War. Saber-toothed Tiger. Disco. World War II. Women's Liberation Movement. Walt Disney World. Republican Party. Boston Teat Party. War of the Worlds. Ernest Hemingway.
I really, sincerely hope this helps. Thanks so much for writing, dear Don
yours, forever
Melsondorph
Dear Melsondorph,
I am not sure what to make of this, but I get around certain vending machines, and well, I start to worship them. In fact, I also worship things like toasters, microwaves, and dishwashers too. Buts thats not all - I also worship things like money, twenty dollar bills, grass, and crickets. Buts thats not all - I also worship things like god, satan, money, heterosexuals, straight people, people who aren't gay, people who aren't queer, people who aren't fags, and people who aren't homosexuals. What should I do? Is there anything else you can think of that I should worship?
Signed,
Norman
Dear Norman,
YES YOU FREAKING MORON!! Did you ever give any thought to worshiping say, homosexuals!!??? Wake up and smell the panties you dumbass! You need to get your shit together son and rethink your life!! And where do you get the nerve to worship heterosexuals!!?? What kind of sick straight person are you!!?? Any dignified righteous person ought to vomit upon hearing the word heterosexual! In fact, it pains me to even write it and think about it! Curse you for causing me suffering like this! Normally, I am not this harsh to people who write to me, but you just crossed the line. The line seperating the great from the grotesque. The line seperating good from evil. The line seperating homosexuals from... from... I MUST SAY IT!! He.. He... Heter... HETEROSEXUALS!!!
BLUHH!!! MUST - FIND BUCKET - FAST!!
Sincerely,
Melsondorph
PS - oh, and just in case you were wondering, yes, I am going to kill you.
Dear Melsondorph,
I believe in the right to freely express one's self. And I do that by taking all my clothes off and walking around naked in public places. But lately, it seems that men have been watching me, staring at me, as if i were doing something weird.
Signed,
Female Girl
Dear Female Girl,
First off, what you are doing is wrong because you are encouraging heterosexuality. You see, the men are attracted to you, and that is evil because they are straying away from their own sex. If you allow these people who aren't the same sex as you to be attracted to you, you are sinning a great sin indeed, and you WILL burn in hell for it. But I do support your belief in freely expressing yourself and since heterosexuality is an obstacle here, you are going to have to kill any men who look at you, because they are surely having heterosexual thoughts.
Sincerely,
Melsondorph
Dear Melsondorph, hi my name is Tiffany. I have a question for you. I really like my boyfriend but he kind of bugs me because he always acts the same as every other guy. Especially when he is in his car. He always leans to the side and puts one hand up on the wheel and drives with his chair reclined. He seems so uncomfortable. Does this make him feel more masculine? Should I support this behavior? Or should I tell him how much it irritates me? I need to know. I just want us to be happy.
Tiffany
Dearest Tiffany,
the problem your boyfreind is having is very common amoung young homosexual males who have not quite yet settled into the homosexual lifestyle. Here are a few things that might help him along the road to recovery. you can
1. dress like a man, so he will feel more at ease around you, this will also make you more attractive and appealing to him ;)
2. say things like "i wish i was a homosexual man, so we could be homosexual males together, (this will make him smile).
3. go on dates at more homosexual-oriented places, like say.....gay bars.
4. kill him
5.build a snowman out of mashed potatos.
6.construct a gallows
7.give money to me
8.eat a pizza.
Sincerely Melsondorph
