There was one particular night during the Millennium Tour when AJ had not felt like hitting another random club but decided to hit the sack early. It was a weird day for him, ever since he had lunch that day right up to when he was driven back to the hotel after yet another concert in the back of the van, he had envisioned himself under a warm, thick comforter, huge fluffy pillows all around him, sleeping in the company of peaceful darkness. So when he finally did return to his suite that night, he did exactly that.
Except that he couldn't find a wink of sleep.
He decided to do the next best thing - watch TV. And ironically found himself watching a VH1 special on TLC, even though he hated that channel and everything it stands for. The hatred began during one warm day in the month of June, when they had been busy recording another track for the yet untitled album, which would later be called Millennium. He even remembered the track, it was I Want It That Way.
It was hot, the song was not making any sense at all and on top of it all, there weren't any Mc Donald's joint nearby. So while they took their healthy lunch of Subway sandwiches, by force in his case, Nick had switched on the TV and solely decided that they should watch VH1. A commercial was being aired and it went along something like this :
'This is not for the rappers, or RNB followers, not for the weak heart but for those young at heart. Feast yourself in our 3 hour special of hard rock, head banging, heavy weight champion sounds of heavy metal. We will take you from Aerosmith to Metallica, from Guns N Roses to Bon Jovi, all your heavy favs, we have them right here.
And we promise, No Boybands."
It wouldn't have meant anything if they hadn't put their faces on screen and slashed it out in bold red.
That same afternoon, PR received a call from a representative from VH1, wanting an exclusive TV interview on their album. Behind the scene, launching and tour exclusives. To this very day, he still worked closely with VH1, be it with the boys or making appearances alone, but it was well known, in the Backstreet Camp, that the hatred had always been there.
And that was why, while he sat right up on that cozy bed alone that night and found himself watching VH1, he felt a tad bit guilty. But TLC was one of his favourite acts, he really thought that Tboz was one sexy woman who knows what she wants, so damn him and his hatred for VH1, he's watching TLC and that's that.
They were talking about how even after the success of Crazy Sexy Cool, they ended up filing for Bankruptcy, how management had screwed them all over. It reminded him of Lou. The very man responsible for their success and also their first taste of betrayal and dismay.
If someone screw us up again, I swear I'm gonna go crazy, he remembered telling himself as he switched off the television and finally found blissful sleep that night. He had not the slightest idea that the group was heading that way eventually. Or that he was screwing his own life.
"So where are we exactly?" He asked once they were safely transported to another place. He stole a glance discreetly over at Nick, looking for signs if the man was unwell. Nobody really made the first move to go into depth of his sickness, or the fact that Nick had begun feeling the 'side effects' of this entire twilight zone; but he was sure it was everyone's concern.
Other than the fact that he looked a tad bit paler than before, he was standing on his own. It was enough to make AJ loosen up a little, at least for now.
"I want to show you, that even far away from each other, you were never really apart." Vinhorian replied.
AJ nodded knowingly. "So this is the mushy part huh?"
"Gotta have those to make it a box office hit." Howie pointed out lightly.
"Do your people use Kleenex Vin?" Brian asked.
Kevin frowned, his eyebrows almost touching in the middle. He never stopped thanking women and the invention of tweezers. They were painful but efficient. "We're not going to cry Brian."
"Okay whatever, just don't show any more of me crying, I'm loosing my credibility here."
Vinhorian smiled like he always does and AJ expected nothing less from the being. "Lets just watch and listen."
-
It had been a month since Brian had avoided that little package now sitting on his desk, waiting to be open. Locked away in his own private room where he used to just sit around and write songs that had inspired him, most of it came during the early hours of the morning, when sleep couldn't be reached and he had found himself leaving the comfort of their bed and into that room.
Four weeks ago, he had made his way down to the kitchen for breakfast and found the package nicely positioned on the dining table. You got a package all the way from Tampa Honey, Leighanne said as she mounted the layers of pancakes in front of him. One look at the handwriting, he knew who it was from and had avoided the package the entire breakfast. He picked it up and brought it to his private room and there it had been ever since.
Now that Leighanne was away for another check up with her mom, he was left alone in the house with nothing to do. Boredom eventually brought him back to that very room, where he had been staring at the package ever since.
Funny how they used to be so close, it felt awkward now that he thought of it. He wasn't really sure when it all changed between them, he doubted it happened overnight, perhaps it was just the simple fact that they grew up.
"I don't want to grow up, I like being where we are right now", Nick had told him during one of the nights they had spent together in some hotel room. It was simpler then, just the five of them pursuing what they loved and having fun with it.
"I know, I don't want too, but you know eventually we will", he had told him. It was dark, he recalled, them lying on their own beds, staring at the blinding darkness, unable to sleep the remainder of their adrenaline away.
"I want us to be successful and stuff, but do we really have to stop playing pranks? I like that a lot"
"I hope not. I like playing pranks too. You know Nick, I think we will grow up and still play pranks, just not too bizarre like now"
"What if we start having girlfriends? We can't hang out like this very much, then who's gonna challenge me on the Playstation? I tell you, girls always get in the way."
"Trust me Nicky, when you find yourself a girlfriend, you will want your time alone. Hey, when Mandy is old enough to follow us on tour, I'll understand if you want some time alone with her."
"Brian, that's gross, I'm underaged."
"I'm not talking about sex you pervert. I'm talking about being alone with her so you two can do girlfriend-boyfriend stuff."
"Again, I say it's gross"
"Ah kid, you need to spend more time with AJ"
Brian smiled at the sudden memory. He didn't really think that getting married affected their friendship that bad though. He still found himself hanging out with Nick a lot, it was only when night came, they didn't hit back to the same room. And he honestly thought that Nick and his wife got along well. He respected her a lot but never seemed to be completely open with her and Brian knew it was just his shy nature getting in the way. And he had often stressed to her ever since they started dating, that they were both inseparable in a lot of ways. Perhaps if she and Mandy didn't ended a conversation with a string of obscenities one particular night, they would still be as close.
Funny how it was the girls had gotten in their way. Just like Nick said.
He knew though, that he shouldn't have walked out of the meeting when they met again after their short hiatus. He knew he wasn't in the right frame of mind to even go for one. Nobody knew of Leigh's miscarriage, the entire hiatus was spent mourning for the baby that wasn't meant to be.
And then Nick hit him right in the face with his solo venture.
There was only so much Brian Littrell could take, so he got up and left. AJ must have felt the same, because he didn't stay around after that too.
He could still remember the look on Nick's face when his intention wasn't well received by them. He could still hear AJ yelling at him and how Kevin, in his ever so calm, soft voice, still managed to throw words that he knew would hurt the young man. He watched how Nick fought to hold back his tears when Howie, sweet old Howie, asked him, how could you turn your back on us Nicky?
He recalled how warm and suffocated he felt that day, the anger and frustration boiling in him just waiting for it's grand finale. It came in a form of him getting out of his seat, staring at his own best friend, and saying I don't even know you anymore, and left.
It wasn't quick enough though, because he saw the held tears finally make their way down his cheeks, and Brian never felt even an ounce of sympathy for him. He truly believed that Nick deserved it.
But again, as he stood there, still staring at the package with his name embossed across it, a sense of guilt hit him in waves. He never really sat down and thought about it, often choosing to push the issue to the back of his mind, but now that he had allowed the memories to invade his mind again, he wondered, perhaps that's where the problem was. Nick didn't know himself anymore, and he was crying out for help, and Brian had turned away.
He reached for the package and without giving himself the chance to back away, tore the package open. Inside the parcel was a copy of Now Or Never and a simple note written on one of those yellow sticky notes.
'I'm not sure where we stand right now but I'm sending you this for old times sake. Love you dawg, Nicky'
He took out the CD and placed it in the mini hi-fi, turning the volume up. He paused, realizing that it was going to be one of those rock CDs he had been tortured to listen to by Nick himself during their long, painful trip on tour buses and decided to lower it down a few notches. Never wanting to be caught surprised.
He recognized this tune by now, heard it played on the radio quite often here in Atlanta and as Nick's voice filled his room with Help Me, he sat back and started browsing through the album sleeve. Automatically, his eyes searched through for his thank you note. Nick never really wrote anything deep and thoughtful, Brian's personal favourite by far had to be his thank you note for Black & Blue. It was filled with light humour, talking about his favourite team losing that night and then his warming message for his siblings.
But the thank you note for Now or Never left him speechless. Nick only wrotes something so serious and thoughtful when he wanted to send a message across without really saying it. It had been a game between the two of them for so long. His poems, although Nick liked to call it his 'thoughts collection' were often delicately slotted with hidden questions and problems. It was always a challenge to understand them. This one, was no different. By the time he was done reading the thank you note for the Backstreet Boys, Brian's heart felt full, mixed with all kinds of emotions that he didn't know how to separate from each other.
But the one thing that had always kept him awake all night after that, was the drawing of a boy hugging himself under the huge, barren tree, with weird looking creatures that reminded him so much of monkeys, hanging on the bald branches. A monument that looked like a castle served as a backdrop.
What was Nick trying to say?
Brian closed his eyes, letting himself relax before he decided to really start going through the album sleeve. It was then that he realized, Nick was belting his heart out to Do I Have To Cry For You. This one was plain and simple, the first time Brian had heard it, [it was playing at JIVE as he left the place in anger, ironically] he knew it was meant for his first love. The hurt that clearly spilled out with every note he sang, Brian never knew he could yell that high and still stay in rhythm.
Flipping through the album resulted in another surprise for him though. A white folded paper fell from in between the pages and dropped on his lap. He smiled, another love letter from The Nickster.
I found myself and now I know who I am. I hope you give me the chance to let me introduce him to you.
Brian jumped as the next track came on. It was difficult at first, to hear him singing about girls, listening to the man whom he had known since he was twelve belting it out about his desires with girls everywhere in the USA.
Nick might not know it, but the album itself was already an introduction to the real Nick Carter to everyone, Brian included. Now if only he could see past the frustration and ego and call Nick up, things would have been easier. But why should HE make the first move?
