CHAPTER 7- A new system...
Mr. Neary had found a way to BUG the students of Clayton Valley...
in September 2002, he held a meeting in the library:
"Alright people, we need to find a way to bug the students, any suggestions?"
asked
Neary.
"I got one," sang Mrs. Prasch, "how about we start a food fight in the Multi-use room?"
"Good, we'll do that, but we need something stronger."
"How about faking a Senior prank and blame the Seniors?" Mr. Long indicated.
"No, that would be just part of the school."
"Oh!" burst Mrs. Hayes, she then snickers at her idea, "How about
this, I've recently
heard about this from Mrs. Miller that they just received a new book from the
Mt. Diablo
Unified School District Headquarter called 'The Great Big Book of Odd
Schedules',
I believed that we could find a schedule so rotten, so EVIL, that our students
would
crap their pants!"
The MDUSD Headquarter is made up of a bunch of old farts who claimed
themselves as
teachers, it's conveniently located inside Mount Diablo and it have a secret
underground
passage linking to the nearest Kmart.
"That's a great idea! Where's the book?" Mr. Neary jumped and giggled at the idea.
"Over there..." pointed Mrs. Hayes, the whole crowd gasps, she then
continues, "in the
'RESTRICTED' section!"
Ahhh yes, the RESTRICTED section, where Mr. Neary keeps his "Captain Naughty"
comics,
diaries of students found by the "custodians", the Menopause Pop-up Book, and
also an
archive of everything James Flynn (from his private life to biographies, it also
have a shrine of
him located in the middle of two big rows of book cases... we'll come back to
that later.)
All the Administrative people walked behind the service desk, through the open
doorway,
turn left through another door, down the spiral staircase, taking the mine
train, making turns,
up, down, up, down, loop-de-loop, reaching to what Mr. Neary likes to call "the
speed
of thought", and then gradually coming to a stop, getting out of the mine train,
through the
curtain... they have reached the portal that takes you to the RESTRICTED
section, the
place where 98% of the school's money goes.
They all shade their eyes as the bright blue door flickers a mysterious
glow, Mr. Neary
walks forth. A voice echoes from nowhere...
"Welcome to the RESTRICTED section, please state your name"
"John Neary"
"Password?"
"3100"
"Please wait for further recognization"
Mr. Long whispers to Mrs. Prasch, "Is that a real word?"
"Shh!" responded Mrs. Prasch.
They gazed in wonder as a yellow loop descends from the darkness above,
emitting a healthy glow of laser redness over Mr. Neary, from top to bottom.
The loop beeps as it reached the ground, then rises back to the darkness.
There was a pause, and then some beeping and buzzing noises were heard.
"Thank you, you may now enter."
The group then one-by-one enters the opening blue door, the voice warns
each and one of them to be careful and watch for their steps, because they're
going through the teleporter... they couldn't afford the Lost in Space mercury
screen one,
so they have to go with the static effect screen.
***
SOMEWHERE IN SPACE... our faithful team walks out of "the other side", and
are standing
on the main docking point of the hovermatics, a semicircle silver platform with a
transparent dome
with tubes that have a row of holes, the tubes makes a net-shape surrounding the
inside of the
transparent
layer, O2 are misting from those holes.
They walk in front of a sliding glass door (there's 2, like an elevator
door), on the otherside
is a hovermatic. The doors opens, WOOSH, they aboard the hovermatic, which is a
blue triangular
platform with orange lights, and wings with 2 engines on each side, it also have a dome
that provides
air
from a central vent, a LFHD screen (Laser Flat Hologram Display) hovering above
the front, a
face appears
on the screen... a stereotypical female computer voice is heard.
"Welcome aboard the hovermatic, please state your destination."
Mr. Neary looks at Mrs. Hayes, she glares at him for a while then realized
that she's the
one who knows,
she begins, "Sector
A-9 section B-76, P to the D to the I to the D to the
D to the Y, quadrant 32D,
34, 47. Carry
the 2, over sine pi."
"Affirmative. Please take your positions."
Each of them then stands in front of an orange light, the light shuts off, a
chair forms its
shape to the size of each administrator's ass, like Playdoh. The substance then
sticks to the
participant so they couldn't get up during the trip. Just to make him
comfortable, Mr. Neary
made the substance fart absorbent, and also have a "feet reachable" eject button
near the
chair-spot, in case anything dreadful happens.
The hovermatic exits it's docking point, then it travels above of what seems
to be a pit of
bottomlessness lessness lessness... but it's actually SPACE space space... the hovermatic slowly
accelerates, and
travels downward,
although that they ARE traveling downward, to them the
whole space seems to be spinning upward, 'cause there's no gravity.
The computer announces "Now jacking up the speed"
Mr. Neary snorts at the computer, he meant for it to say that. The outside
became a giant blackboard
as the stars draw randomly in unison with their fading light trail/tail. They
relaxed as elevator music plays
from hidden side speakers, Mr. Neary farted and dozed off to sleep, so as the
others.
***
The hovermatic gradually stops outside of a hall, the computer wakes them...
"GET UP! GET THE F*** UP YOU @$$HOLES!"
The Administrators sprang up to the profanity, obviously the chairs had
turned off it's grip force,
Mr. Neary snorts, "Looks
like we're here!"
"Duh..." says Mr. Long.
"Shhhh..." hushes Mrs. Prasch.
They exited the hovermatic, and are entering another dome like structure,
providing another good
amount of air. You might wonder: Hmmm, Where the hell did they get the O2?
Do they like, refill?
Yes and no, they recycle the air (and yes, without plants), they use this new
technology that is a
filtering device. It mimics plants, it takes your Carbon, use it as energy, and
release the Oxygen.
Back to the story, they are now in a subdivision called "Benefits to school
or just the teachers
and the administration", where you can find ideas for "teachers only" parties, ideas about
how to save money for the restricted section of the library (taking away
features for the handicapped,
buying new apple IIc computers, unknown fees students have to
pay), and the book they're looking
for...
They step on a conveyor belt, just like The Jetsons. Mrs. Hayes calls out
the name of the book,
a short while later they're snaking through between book cases filled with books
so colorful, they have to
close their eyes to prevent any eye damage. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH, a never
ending
whoosh also makes them plug their ears with their fingers. After a while, it feels
like the belt is stopping...
they
open their eyes, unplug their ears to hear the sound fades... WHOOOOOooooooo...
In front of them are the "New arrivals", a semi circle bookcase
with a podium in the middle, the book
they're looking for is
floating and spinning on the podium
with a yellow light shining towards the book along
with some dust particles.
They step out of the conveyor
belt and walks over, Mr. Neary reaches forth to take
the book, the shadow from
the light shapes his hands
and fades once the book has been taken off. They then
crowded Neary as he sits
down and opens the book,
they gasp and sniffs the smell of a new book.
Table of contents:
1. slightly odd schedules- P.1
2. rather odd schedules- P.16
3. odd yet natural looking schedules- P.22
4. unusually odd schedules- P.28
5. quite odd schedules- P.39
6. unscrupulously but not odd schedules- P.47
7. vaguely odd schedules- P.51
8. odd schedules for other places than schools- P.53
9. the most provocatively evil out-of-hand meaningless disturbing who-gives-a-crap
everlasting
with absolutely no sense of time what-so-ever excruciatingly twisted odd
schedule- P.137
Neary quickly turn the page to 137...
Thank you for reading this book (if you ARE that is), well, this is the last
and the most evil schedule ever, use it
unsparingly... *may cause riots
In general, you just divide the whole school into 5 different schools, they can
be the choice of the following:
Art, science, personal, sports, extreme sports, extreme personal, extreme
science, social
benefits, school benefits,
school benefits for staff and administration, computer technology, college prep,
sex-ed (must have really old
teachers), laboring, literature, illiterature, and plant care.
-Then let each division have their own unique time, each
time should occasionally overlap each other, and
if they can't reach both places at the same time, it's an automatic referral.
.
-No SSR is needed so students could enjoy
their books at their own time, each classes will be 3 hours long with
a 2 second
break between classes.
.
-Lunches only
happens twice a week and should last for 1 minute.
.
-Students MAY NOT get bathroom
breaks, and if they are failed
to hold it their parents are contacted and are
going to be receiving 7 million
wallops tangent to the arc of their bare
buttocks with a special baseball bat covered
with flypaper, strong acid, porcupine needles, and
inner-wall of seagull rectums.
.
-Each day students would have four classes out of the five, and the classes
shifts randomly every day.
.
-Just so they could relax a bit, students would have one day in a month to get
home early, as early as early morning
of the next day.
They all wipe their tears from their eyes, and sniffle at the most beautiful
schedule ever written. Then they all follow
Neary to the Xerox machine nearby and wait for the copy. (Xeroa machine sound)
The copy came out nicely...
They all step on the conveyor belt, closing their eyes, plugging their ears,
and wait as a trail of glistening tears follows
the snuffling pack.
***
"Uh... before we go," says Mrs. Prasch, "I think we should pray that this plan will work!"
"Magnificent idea!" shouts Neary with glee, "to the 'Church of James Flynn',
Sector K-1 section Z-16, A to the N
to the U to the S, quadrant Ziploc. Cosine 11 and 2 pints old."
"Please take your positions"
They took their positions and once again they're traveling like mad through
space while dozing off to sleep...
an immeasurable time have passed...
"GET UP YOU BUNCH OF SLEEPING @$$LE$$ CRAWFISHES!"
They sprang up again to exit to another dome, but this is a smaller one, so
small that no conveyor belt is necessary.
Church music is being played, an organ strike several chords over and over with
a choir singing from speakers:
James Flynn is born, Hallelujah,
I ate some corn, Hooray-Hoorah.
James Flynn is a really great man,
way much smarter than Ovan Chan.
James Flynn is born, Hallelujah,
I ate some corn, Hooray-Hoorah.
They walk down the aisle of "Books that are Everything James
Flynn" and feeling warmth in their heart, they stops at
the end and gazes upon a life-size sculpture of James Flynn wearing a robe, arms
extended and palms out offering
love and benevolence, a smile upon his face, and noses that offers—why
not?—Oxygen. The sculpture stands on
a golden plaque with the words "James Flynn, Father of the Clayton Valley
spirit, 1986- " stamped on by Ms.
Maskaleris.
"Now everyone," says Mr. Neary, softly, "repeat after me. Dear
James Flynn, on behalf of the Faculty of Clayton
Valley High School, we plead you to protect us on our journey to change the
schedule for next year, and you, you'll
enjoy life with us in the faculty lounge every single school day and laugh at
those who underestimates the power
of the Administrators, Amen."
"Amen" says the rest.
***
"Welcome back, Mr. Neary. Did you enjoy the trip?" asks Mrs. Miller.
"Most certainly."
"How did it go?"
"Excellent!" He waves the Xerox copy.
"I'm glad that you had fun."
"Yup, and I'll have more fun next year." He glances at the rest,
then they lets out a hearty laugh.
MEANWHILE, at the Flynn resident... James paused the game on his PS2, and holds on to his head.
"Arggh! There are those voices again!" screams James between his clinched teeth.
THE END
Applause... applause...