~~~~~
“RONALD WEASLEY!” a woman’s shrill voice sounded through the living room. The person in question looked up suddenly from what he was doing with a wince on his face. Hermione peeked out from under him and quickly moved her hand away from its previous resting place. Hearing his mother’s voice had pretty much killed what it had been stroking. She didn’t think they would be continuing with this anytime soon....
~~~~~
“Hermione, dear, may I please speak with you for a moment?” Mrs. Weasley asked her the following morning. Hermione sputtered a small “sure” as she was promptly pulled upstairs to the room she was sharing with Ginny while she was staying at the Burrow. Her face had already begun to turn bright red, as she had quickly figured out the topic that was going to be discussed.
“So, what do you want Mrs. Weasley?” Hermione inquired timidly to begin the conversation. She figured the sooner it started, the sooner it would be over.
Molly let out a small sigh. “Well, I’ve realized you seem to be getting...” she searched for the word for a moment, “closer to Ronald lately, and I just wanted to give you some advice.”
“Like what?” Hermione asked nervously.
“Okay...let’s see...” she continued, searching again for the best way to say what she wanted to say, “losing your innocence is like...say...riding on a broom for the first time.”
Hermione gave her a look that clearly said, smart as she was, she didn’t quite see the connection. Molly took the hint and kept going.
“I remember the first time Ron was learning how to ride a broomstick...he could never stay up for very long....”
The younger witch’s eyes grew wide with shock as the double entendre hit her. Molly’s face remained bland; it was difficult to tell if she had realized the full meaning of what she said.
“Anyways,” Molly continued, ignoring Hermione’s reaction, “my point is that you must be careful when taking your first flight. Don’t rush into it, or you may end up falling off the broom and hurting yourself. Just something to keep in mind,” she finally finished. Molly stood up and moved over toward the door. Just before she left, she heard a small voice.
“Mrs. Weasley?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Um...thanks,” Hermione muttered.
Molly finally exited the room. Just before the door clicked shut she added, “No problem,” oblivious to the fact that her lecturee was just being polite.
Hermione let out a very large breath. Her face was what seemed to be a permanent scarlet color. She decided to make her way out to the backyard. Merlin, how could one talk manage to be so embarrassing? It hadn’t been nearly this bad with her own parents. Perhaps it was because this one was with the mother of the man she was planning to shag....
~~~~~
Ron sat in the living room while Hermione was upstairs. He was fidgeting a bit; any talk his mother was having with his girlfriend could not be good due to the recent groping session. But before he could worry too much, his dad approached him with a bright red face.
“Son?”
“Yeah Dad?”
“Your mother told me what happened earlier–“ Ron cut him off with a groan, but Arthur just continued, “and she thought that I should talk to you.”
An awkward silence ensued with both crimson-faced men sitting on the couch. Red complexions seemed to be very common on this particular day. After a few moments, Mr. Weasley finally began.
“Um...I’m sure that you’ve been told before that sex is much better when you wait until you’re older, so I’m just going to mention it briefly.”
“That’s the part that Mum told you to say, isn’t it?” Ron asked with a grin.
“Yeah...”
“So, we’re done?” Ron suggested, starting to get up from his seat without even waiting for an answer.
Mr. Weasley sighed. “Not quite.” Ron grimaced inwardly and sat back down as his father kept talking.
“I just wanted to add a little advice of my own.” Ron looked at him expectantly. After a short pause, Arthur started again.
“Okay, it’s like this. Having sex is like...putting a key into a lock.” At his son’s obvious confusion, Mr. Weasley added, “It’s a muggle device that they use for opening doors rather than spells like Alohomora...fascinating really...the key is almost like a wand, you just put it in the hole in the handle called a lock–“
“Dad!” Ron cut him off. “Back to the advice. Please.” There was no way he was suffering through a learning session about Muggles as well as the sex talk....
“Yes, yes, you’re right.” Arthur looked as though he wasn’t quite sure where to take this, so he just started talking. “You have to be careful with a new lock. It’s got to be very sure and very ready, or you do NOT put in the key.” He gave his son a very pointed look and continued, “And it may hurt the lock the first time, so you’ve got to be very gentle.”
At this point, Ron’s face was just a few small shades away from a very ripe tomato. Mr. Weasley, however, continued obliviously. He was no longer looking Ron in the eye, but gazing off towards a small spot on the ceiling. Apparently he believed that it would be less embarrassing if he gave his speech to the stain....
“And when you’re unlocking the door, don’t take the key out too early or the door won’t open.”
“DAD!” Ron burst out.
“What?” he answered, blinking out of the small trance in which he had put himself.
“It’s just...but...pictures...wait...no...STOP!” Ron stuttered, embarrassed beyond forming comprehensible words.
“I’m almost done! Just one more thing....When you first put in the key, don’t turn it too quickly or the key will fall apart and will not be able to complete the job it was intended to do....”
“OKAY!” Ron shouted in an attempt to stop his father. “That’s enough!”
“I told you it was just the one last thing...I’m finished. And besides, it wasn’t THAT bad.”
Ron just glared.
“Alright, perhaps it was. But it had to be done. Just remember what I’ve said.”
“Okay, I will! Just...go for now. Please?”
Arthur stood up slowly and sauntered to the doorway. Ron watched him closely as he walked, and he could have sworn that his dad’s eyes were glistening and he had a smile on his face. Was he PROUD or something? “I thought parents were supposed to NOT want their kids to shag anyone...” he thought to himself.
Just before Mr. Weasley closed the door behind him, he pointed towards the handle and winked. Winked! Ron just shook his head and groaned.
~~~~~
Ron was still sitting in the living room five minutes later when he suddenly heard a large crack to his left. He lifted his head up from the place on the floor at which he had been intently staring for the past five minutes. He groaned for what felt like the millionth time that day when he saw who it was. Bill and Charlie. This could not be good.
“Hey Ron!” Bill said cheerily. Much too cheerily. Something was most definitely going on.
“What’s up?” Charlie followed with a large grin on his face.
“Um...nothing much...what are you two doing here?” Ron asked, wondering why both of his siblings had just Apparated from far away places on such a random day when they usually only showed up for the most important of all the major holidays.
“Mum owled us. Something about wanting us to talk to you.”
Ron let out a small whimper. Hadn’t one talk today been enough? Couldn’t they have at least waited until tomorrow?
“Oh really?” he asked, not letting on why he thought they were there. It wouldn’t do to give them the idea in case it really was about something else. He reached for the glass of water that had been resting on the nearby table to take a sip. “What for?”
“To give you the sex talk.”
Ron leaned forward in his seat and spit out all of the contents of his mouth at that comment. He’d figured that was going to be the subject, but he didn’t think they would have gone at it with such a lack of TACT. He’d assumed there would be at least a small amount of beating around the bush.
It looked as though Bill had a small speech prepared, as he started speaking with a slightly mechanical tone to his voice. “Ron, sometimes when teenagers think they are in love, things can get a little out of hand. But you mustn’t let them. Love at your age is probably no more than lust, and you don’t want to get into anything you can’t handle. Like pregnancy, for example. Before you decide to have sex, you must be sure you are ready to handle all of the consequences. You should really wait until you have a deep connection with the woman, and that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with her. That is the only way to make it worth anything.”
At this point, Charlie felt it was important to cut in with, “Now that that crap’s over, we can get into the real stuff,”
Bill gave him a slightly menacing glare, but he just continued.
“No, really, Mum just told us to say that stuff. We don’t actually believe it.”
Bill continued to glare.
“Well alright, you should wait, blah blah blah, but if you’re going to go through with it, I must say...Go you!”
Not even Bill could keep up the ‘you’re not old enough’ character anymore. “He’s right. I really can’t help but be proud of my littlest brother finally about to become a man.” He made sure to say this very dramatically, and wiped away a fake tear when he was done. Ron just stared at them. They were much more like Fred and George then he had ever thought.
“But really, I don’t think either of us is really one to talk about you being too young,” Bill continued. “I was 16 my first time, and Charlie over here was 15.” A small frown passed over Bill’s face as he got to that part, but he quickly hid his slight jealousy and continued, “And since you’re 17, we should really be telling you something more along the lines of ‘It’s about time!’”
Ron just blushed. “Well, I’ve just never had an opportunity....” he trailed off, unable to continue.
“Yes, we know. No need for an explanation. You’ve been pining over dear little ‘Mione since first year, and you’ve just now told her. We understand.” Charlie consoled him. Though he didn’t sound very comforting. More like mocking.
“Oh, and by the way, if you ever hurt dear little ‘Mione, we will be forced to hunt you down and kick your arse.” Bill added, actually very seriously.
“But...what...why are you threatening me?” Ron stuttered, confused.
“Very simple,” Bill replied. “She’s got no older brothers, so due to her position as honorary family member, we are taking up the duty.”
“But that’s insane!” Ron yelled indignantly.
“Perhaps,” Charlie said, “But it won’t matter unless you hurt her. And you’re not going to do that, are you?”
“No,” Ron mumbled.
“Well then.” Bill said, clearly closing that argument before it really started. Very smart of him, as it was not a good idea to release three Weasley tempers at the same time. It always resulted in several items getting blown up.
“And so,” Charlie began with a mischievous glint in his eye, “If she’s not quite ready, make sure you don’t force her.” Ron opened his mouth to protest, but Charlie just kept talking, “I know you won’t force her–perhaps I mis-worded it. Don’t pressure her. You must be positive that she’s absolutely sure, and ask her several times before you...well, you know. And if she says she’s not ready yet, you could always ask her to slay your dragon a different way.”
“CHARLIE!” Bill and Ron yelled at the same time, one’s face going slightly redder than the other.
“No, really, it’s a very great pressure reliever. And along the same ‘dragon’ line, always keep the possibility of chains in mind. Bondage tends to make things just a little more interesting....”
“CHARLIE!” The other two yelled again. This time, however, Bill kept going to keep Charlie from talking anymore. “Ron, don’t listen to him, he’s being just a little insane–“
“Like you never did any bondage...” Charlie cut him off. Bill glared yet again and continued, “I think he simply needs to be ignored. Anyways, I think we’ve said just about everything we came to say....”
“No we haven’t!” Charlie exclaimed. Before Bill even had the chance to interrupt, he quickly said, “Contraceptive Charm.”
“Oh, yes,” Bill agreed. He leaned over and whispered something into Ron’s ear.
“I have to do WHAT?” he said incredulously.
“Yes, it’s very important. If you don’t, the spell I’ve told you will have no effect.”
“So I have to–“
“Yep.”
“While I’m–“
“Yep.”
“Before we–“
“Yep.”
“Merlin.” Ron finished with wide eyes. And he had to do it while she was watching. If it were Fred and George, he would just brush it off with the notion that it wasn’t true. But with Bill and Charlie, you could never be sure whether they were being serious or not. He’d just talk to Hermione about the charm; perhaps she would know a better way than...that. He gave a small shudder.
“Okay, little bro,” Charlie said, “We must be going back to work now. But before we leave, do you have any questions?”
“NO!” Ron shouted with a worried look on his face, “I think we’re done.”
“Well, alright then,” Bill said, “We’re off!”
With a crack, Bill disappeared. Charlie followed shortly after, leaving Ron speechless on the couch for the second time that day. But not before he grabbed onto his own wrist in an imitation of a handcuff while winking and grinning widely.
~~~~~
“Ron?”
“Oh dear Merlin, NO MORE!” he burst out. Then he actually looked up to see who it was. “Oh, it’s just you, Perce.” He let out a sigh. Percy was not the type to just randomly walk in and give sex talks.
“Yes, well, ahem,” Percy began, clearing his throat several times as his face turned bright red.
Perhaps he was wrong.
“Oh no. Not you too?” Ron pleaded.
“I just wanted to give you a small bit of advice because of something that Mother has just told me. Which, might I say, was MUCH too much information. I could have done without the descriptions....”
“Percy!”
“Right. I just wanted to say that I think you should wait until you’re older; more ready. It’s really much better when you’re completely in love with someone and fully committed to them. Such as AFTER you’re married,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Um, Percy, I don’t think that you’re the one to tell me this. I know about you and Penelope.” Percy gasped and turned an even brighter shade of red. “Fred SAW you that time in the broom closet. And you were in your sixth year! You’re just lucky that when Ginny walked in you were still just kissing....”
“Well...no...but...yes...that’s completely beside the point!” Percy said, with a very flushed look on his face.
“Yep, right.” Ron smirked. Ah, how he loved blackmail.
“If you don’t tell Mum and Dad, I will tell them that I’ve talked to you and you’ve promised to wait,” Percy said desperately.
“Deal,” Ron agreed. He held out his hand for Percy to shake, and he took it. Then Percy promptly stood up and exited the room.
~~~~~
“Alright, little bro,”
“We are here to pass on the torch of sexual wisdom.” two voices sounded from behind Ron.
“DO YOU PEOPLE EVER STOP?” he yelled.
“Of course not!” said Fred with a gasp of mock offense.
“We even made sure to be last so we could draw it out for you...” George added.
Ron groaned. He hadn’t groaned this much in one day since the time that he and Hermione first admitted that they loved each other...but that was another story.
“Look at these,” Fred told him, breaking Ron out of his dirty little thoughts. A small pile of magazines was dumped on the small table in front of the couch that Ron hadn’t had a chance to leave all day.
Ron picked one up and opened it to the middle page. His eyes bugged out. “What in the bloody hell is this??”
“Well, if you don’t know–“
“We’ve really got a lot to teach you....”
“NO! I know what it is, you gits, I just meant, why are you showing the picture to me?” Ron interrupted indignantly.
“Oh, well now that you’ve asked it in a way that makes sense–“
“We’ll answer it.”
“We just thought that we should point a few things out–“
“So you can make sure that Hermione gets what she wants too.” George finished.
“GEORGE!” Ron yelled. “DON’T SAY THAT ABOUT ‘MIONE!”
“Well, fine, if you want to be completely clueless about how to make it good for her, then we’ll just leave...” Fred said with a superior air, making a point to gather up the magazines.
“No, wait,” Ron said. He was very embarrassed at the moment, but he didn’t want to be completely horrid. “Just...don’t use her name. It’s too weird.”
“Well, if you can’t use her name when you’re thinking about sex, that’s not really a good sign...” George answered.
“NO! Why must you take everything badly?”
“Because we’re us,” they said together.
“It’s just weird when YOU say it. So please don’t.”
“Alright, fine.” Fred reluctantly agreed.
“Now let’s get back to the magazines.” George grinned.
“So, we’re going to point out something that most guys never know their first time–“
“Even though it’s very crucial to a girl’s pleasure.”
Ron just stared at them, completely agape. He couldn’t even think of anything to say. But they just kept talking.
“So, it’s right here that you’ve got to concentrate on...helps speed things up–“
“And make sure that you can outlast her, or she will end up not liking it.”
“That’s where the little button comes in handy...it’s like a spell to fast-forward time.”
Ron began to sputter silent words. He just couldn’t comprehend how completely...there wasn’t even a word for what they were being. Bill and Charlie had not been tactless at all. They were nice polite prudes compared to Fred and George....
“We’ve got a little present here that should help you a little.” They handed over what looked like a small balloon.
“What is it?” Ron asked, looking at it curiously.
“It’s called a condom. Muggle thing. It’s like another Contraceptive Charm. With the Weasley fertility rates, you’ll need all the help you can get,” Fred said, serious for once.
“Yep,” George added, “And we’ve put a little spin to it. Help enhance the pleasure.” He grinned.
“What did you do?” Ron asked with a worried look on his face.
“Nothing bad, you ninny. Just a little Vibrating Charm. Trust me, you will like it.”
“A lot,” the said together.
Ron looked at it again. “I still don’t understand what you do with it.”
“You wear it!” Fred said, with a look that clearly said ‘I cannot believe my little brother is so ignorant.’
Ron tilted his head up towards the twins and meekly said, “How?”
“Merlin, we might be too late!” George exclaimed.
“How did we get a brother with such a naive mind?” Fred inquired.
“It may be alright...I think we’ve got a picture in here somewhere on the subject....” George flipped through one of the magazines and picked the most vulgar representation.
“That oughtta teach him not to ask such stupid questions...” Fred muttered.
Ron took one glance at the picture and squeezed his eyes shut. How did he get such disturbing brothers? Why would they show this to him? And it looked like it sort of hurt the guy, like it was very tight. “It stretches a lot, right?” he questioned.
“Well of course it does,” George told him as though he were a complete idiot.
“If it didn’t stretch a lot, we wouldn’t be able to use it, now would we?” Fred said with a smirk. They winked at each other (A.N. This is in NO WAY incestual...we’re just assuming that they are identical twins.)
“Too much information!” Ron yelled.
“Alright, I think we’re done here,” George said with a sigh.
“Yes, I believe this is all the corruption he can handle in one day,” Fred agreed.
George sighed, “Our Ickle Ronniekins is growing up!” He, like Bill, wiped a fake tear from his cheek.
“Be sure to look through those magazines. They could give you some ideas,” Fred added.
“And make sure you don’t lose that condom. We don’t have any extras” George said, his mock sad face turning into a grin.
“Enjoy!” they said together as they walked out of the room.
Ron picked up one of the magazines they hadn’t shown him yet. Inside was a picture that gave him a very interesting thought. It was intriguing enough to help him forget about all of the embarrassment he’d just gone through. Now all he had to do was figure out how to smuggle the melted chocolate out of the kitchen without his Mum noticing.... He picked up the magazines and dropped them off in his room.
After that, he was off to go find Hermione. There was a considerable spring to his step as he saw her sitting outside. Alone. And nearby was a very nicely secluded area....
~end fic~
