Written by Czar Fruitcake
2ND DISCLAIMER: I am a fruitcake (founding member of the fruitcake alliance)
AUTHOR’S NOTE: The Fruitcake Alliance (FA) is growing in size. If you enjoy the literary thwackage of television personas, you too might be a fruitcake. To join the alliance and receive our email newsletter email fruitcakeHQ@yahoo.com. Current alliances members: Fruitcake, Fruticakey (banned but not forgotten), Fruitcakeage, Fruitcakelike, Fruitcakish, Fruitcakesque, Aristotle Freud, Sophocles Avagodro, and new members Kant Newton and Grafitti3333. We at the FA express our outrage and dismay at the recent (temporary) banning of Fruitcakesque (twice in one day), Aristotle Freud, and Fruitcakeage (fastest banning ever). Rest assured, they will return. Muahahaha. –Fruitcake
AUTHOR’S NOTE 2 (the sane one): I had some personal emails regarding people who wished to see Sam, David, and Happy thwacked. We at the FA do not support animal and child abuse, and we are firm believers that you should only thwack people bigger and slower than you are (though we make exception for Lucy et al). However, FunnyHatUS made me laugh really hard with his 7th Heaven parody (“A very Serious 7th Heaven Story not to be mocked”), and so I allowed him to pick the next THWACK. I hope you will all be satisfied with the manner in which I have incorporated this very sensitive THWACKing.
SUMMARY: A whole lot of people get theirs
Robbie saw Ruthie standing at the front door, and he walked towards her in a trance. Standing next to her was a chimp. Robbie rubbed his eyes, a little confused. Why the heck did Ruthie have a chimp again?
He raised his hand to THWACK her, but something stopped him. She was so much smaller than he was. It just didn’t seem right.
“Robbie, are you under some sort of amnesiatic delusion that hitting people will solve your problems? As an omnipotent eleven year old, I think that you are working off your subverted aggression and sexual repression.” She smiled, looking younger, cuter, and very much so still evil. “I guess that’s just part of growing up,” she said.
Robbie’s hand started throbbing in desire to THWACK Ruthie, but NO, it would be wrong to hit such a small girl.
Then Robbie heard noises coming from the next room. “Thwack thwack thwack thwack thwack!” He heard laughter and then he heard a series of teeny tiny thwacks from the next room
“I’ll be right back,” Robbie muttered.
“I’ll stay here with my extraneous plotline, I mean chimpanzee,” Ruthie replied.
Robbie walked in to see Sam and David thwacking each other. thwack. David smacked Sam upside the head.
thwack. Sam smacked David upside the head.
“Whoa,” Robbie said. “There are two of you! All of this time it’s been Sam-and-David, the two headed trained seal-like echo machine.”
“Echo machine!” Sam-and-David said at the same time.
They thwacked each other again. “No,” Robbie said. “You don’t smack each other. You smack annoying people. Come, I’ll show you.”
Ruthie saw Robbie walking in with Sam-and-David holding his hands. Robbie leaned down and whispered to them. Then he picked up Sam and lifted him until he was on eye level with Ruthie.
thwack! Sam smacked Ruthie upside the head. It didn’t really hurt that much.
“No brother,” David said in his one individual line for the day, “smack harder.” Robbie picked David up, encouraging him with a smile.
THWACK! He knocked Ruthie across the room. Such a big thwack for such a little boy.
Happy came in and started barking at the twins. “Thwack?” Sam asked Robbie.
Robbie shook his head. “We don’t smack doggies,” he replied, “and Happy is one of the most intelligent and caring members of this family.” The boys nodded. They understood.
Eisenhower walked across the room. THWACK! He thwacked Happy for serving as the perpetual excuse for every Camden kid that wanted to leave the house, saying “I’m going to take Happy for a walk.” Happy stood up on her hind legs and pulled a roundhouse THWACK on Eisenhower.
Robbie nodded, satisfied. “I never liked that chimp,” he said. Ruthie lay in the corner, still reeling from David’s powerful smack.
“Thwack fun!” Sam-and-David cried, clapping their hands and reverting to trained seal status.
THWACK fun, indeed.
OKAY, people, that was a little bit of house keeping to keep up with requests… for all you Cecilia people, don’t you worry… her time will come. Keep the requests coming, and I’ll thwack again soon.