Written by Czar Fruitcake
It had been over a month since the last time Jack had slept walked, and no one in the gang had mentioned the resounding THWACKs they had received to anyone else. In fact, they had all almost forgotten the past thwackage all together, with the exception of the Worthington student, who was so disturbed that he failed out and was forced to transfer to Harvard.
Jen was hard at work at the help line, her horridly cut hair falling gently into her face as she spoke on the phone.
“No, my boyfriend CJ is pressuring me to have sex, and I may be a slut, you know, but hey, just because I was a slut doesn’t mean I am a slut, and just because I maybe am doesn’t give him the right to pressure me, you know?” Jen babbled on.
“Um, really, I was just wondering if you knew the number for Papa John’s pizza. I lost it.” The voice on the other end of the phone said nervously.
“You can’t lose something you never had,” Jen said, spitting out the platitude with the expertise of a former radio show host. “You should feel lucky that he’s not pressuring you.”
“There is no he,” the voice replied. “I just want some pizza.”
“It’s good to know what you want,” Jen said. “I’m still trying to figure it out. I think sleeping with Dawson and all those other guys…” the person on the other end of the phone hung up.
“Hello?” Jen said. She hung up the phone, satisfied that she had helped another person.
The phone rang again. “Hello,” Jen said.
“Hello, Jen,” a familiar voice said.
“Jack?” Jen said. “Did you know CJ is pressuring me to have sex? Give me some homosexual wisdom, please, otherwise I might be forced to bring my problem to Grams and let her sage wisdom help me to figure things out, and that would just be trite, you know?”
“Thwack,” Jack said over the phone.
Jen’s eyebrows knotted together, confused. “Huh?” she said.
She looked up. Jack was standing in front of her with a cell phone, his face expressionless.
THWACK! Jack smacked her upside the head with his free hand.
“Did CJ tell you to pressure me into having sex?” Jen asked.
THWACK! Jack smacked her again. “Stupid sleep-with-Dawson-traumatize-us-all-bad-hair-cut-random-job-oscillating-personality-talk-to-random-people-about-your-sex-life blonde,” Jack said.
Behind Jack, CJ smiled, and then remembered that he was supposed to be the sensitive and caring type. Jack whirled around and THWACKed him.
“That’s for being a plot-bunny-indecisive-disrespectful-too-dumb-knows-nothing-about-women creep,” Jack said. THWACK! “And that’s for not looking like Charlie,” Jack mumbled, before sleep walking off.
Jen rubbed the side of her head. “CJ, do you think my hair is ugly?” she asked him.
“I like your hair,” CJ replied. “It’s sexy.”
Jen glared at him. “Will you please stop pressuring me?!” she said, shooting him a very serious look.
“You know,” CJ said. “Maybe we should have a heart to heart with Grams at the breakfast table.”
Jen nodded thoughtfully. That was a pretty good idea