Written by Czar Fruitcake
SUMMARY: A multi-faceted THWACK based on the episode with Dr. Drew airing 4/16/03. A second THWACKer is born.
A smile came over Harley’s face as she thought about what she had seen Jack do to Patrick at the school dance. That had been… she didn’t have a word for it, but she grinned wickedly thinking about it.
Because she had a way of always being in places that it made no sense whatsoever for her to be, Harley moseyed her way over to the Boston Helpline/ Love Line Extravaganza. As she stood in line waiting to get tickets, she watched the scene in front of her unfold.
“Hi. I’m Fred,” a rather attractive guy said to an elfish looking guy in front of him.
“I’m David,” the guy replied.
Harley watched as Fred looked back and forth from Jack to David and proceeded to hit on David.
THWACK! Harley had to stand on her tiptoes to reach his head, but she delivered a stunning blow to the side of Fred’s head.
“That,” she told him, smiling cutely, “is for hitting on the elf when Jack is standing right there.” She turned to David. “No offense,” she said, tactless as always.
“None taken,” nice guy David said.
The show started about an hour later, and Harley watched, entranced, from the front row. By the time Jack, David, Joey, Eddie, Jen, and CJ were involved in very public arguments, Harley took matters into her own hands.
She walked up on stage. “Hi,” she said to the love line folks, “I’m a very savvy and sage fifteen year old. Let me solve these problems for you.” Very daintily, she circled the room, smacking each and every one of them upside the head with a great relish.
THWACK! Eddie got his first. “Since when did you become a sex fiend?” she asked him. “Oh, woe is me, I just got back and my girlfriend and I haven’t had wild bunny sex yet. I think I’ll freak out now.” Harley rolled her eyes.
“Thank you, Harley,” Joey said, her mouth tilting up at one end.
THWACK! Harley interrupted Joey with some words of her own. “Smile with your whole damn mouth,” Harley said, “stop tucking your hair behind your ears, and realize that you don’t belong with Eddie, because, as hot as he is, you are obviously not truly into this relationship.”
“As for you,” Harley said, rounding on Jen, “what kind of idiot are you? Chocolate flavored or cinnamon spice?” THWACK! Harley smacked Jen so hard that the girl’s unfortunately-cut hair flew into her face.
Jen put her hand up to her face, as if she were holding a telephone. “Ring ring,” she said.
CJ answered. “Hello?” he said into his own hand.
“Ring ring,” Harley said.
“Hold on. I’ve got a call on the other line,” Jen said. She pretended to answer the other line. “Hello?”
“THWACK,” Harley said simply, before getting a two for the price of one THWACK by smacking both Jen and CJ upside the head, knocking their heads together.
“I’m getting a lot of displaced anger, here,” Dr. Drew commented. “Is your father a strong figure in your life?”
“I’ll show you strong figure,” the other host said, snickering dirtily.
Audrey proceeded onto the stage, doing some sort of bizarre pole dance, minus the pole behind a screen. The audience sat, entranced, as Harley’s shadow appeared behind the screen and shadow-Harley was seen bringing her hand into sharp connection with shadow-Audrey’s head.
Harley re-immerged from behind the screen, only to see Eddie stand up, and cheerleader style, start chanting “S-E-X… S-E-X!”
Harley went to THWACK him into proper submission when she noticed David and Jack fighting again.
“Hey,” Fred said, appearing on the screen. “Do you have an empty chair?”
Jack shoved David out of his chair, and offered it to Fred.
Harley smacked Fred for being named Fred, and she wondered briefly where Bob had gone.
Harley turned on Jack, ready to deliver another mighty blow for his appalling behavior, but then she decided, that if she was a gay man, she’d prefer Fred to David as well.
“Oh no,” David said, coming out of nowhere. “I’m not going to break up with you, Jack! Break up with me. Do it. Do it. Do it now.” David’s voice lowered to a hiss, and he started moving around like a freakish snake-elf hybrid.
As David hissed, Jack fell asleep, and when he stood up, sleepwalking, a moment later, Harley had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
OKAY… who gets it next? Let your voices be heard!