Come, my friend. Let us take a tour of the Givens Mental Institution. But first, I must warn you. It will not be a pleasant journey. We shall see human nature at its absolute ugliest. Do you feel up to it?
     Ah, you do. That is good. I rarely have visitors. I must warn you not to listen to them too closely. They are intriguing, but that is the snare. It is as the sweet smell of a spider's web, drawing the fly closer only to find himself hopelessly trapped. So it is with their words.
      But now you grow depressed. Lift your head and rejoice in what you will behold. You are not in any danger. I have been here a great many years and yet you see nothing unusual about my behaviour.
      Yes, that's better. Now let us proceed.
      "Consider the scientist who objectively gathers his data. Wouldn't it be odd if he observed that two plus two equals four but didn't like it? Suppose he wanted two plus two to equal five and he wanted it so much that he refused to admit the truth, even to himself. How, then, could he hope to progress, except in ignorance? Outside the realm of science, such behaviour is commonplace."
      You have a question? Then by all means ask it.
      Why do we let the inmates wander the halls? Do you think we should lock them away? They are not criminals. They are simply deluded. They are not violent, simply talkative.
      "Death is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get."
      Yes, I have heard the theory that the mad can be talked out of their delusions.
     I have tried it - as a younger man, I tried it often. But it never worked. Now I simply keep them from hurting themselves or anyone else. It is all I can do.
      "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. Excuses such as religion, race, heredity and upbringing are exactly that - excuses. What we are comes from what we think. So we should learn how to think. The wise man will neither swallow everything blindly nor rebel for the mere sake of rebellion. He will strive to discriminate, to separate the wheat from the chaff, to decide for himself. Obviously, there is a shortage of wise men."
      What? They are not contagious in the sense of a virus, no. But you can become afflicted if you forget that they are mad, if you try to follow their distorted reasoning instead of merely observing them as oddities.
     "I find nothing more hypocritical than a God-fearing Christian. If you are doing His will and He loves your wretched self in return, why do you fear Him? Most Christians don't do good because they are good. They do it because they fear Hellfire. They only wish to be paid well. They're like Neanderthals adorning their graves with skulls and I hope they all rot in hell."
      That's Preacher. Or so he calls himself. He spent a few years living on the streets, a bagman with a shopping cart. We don't know if he really was a preacher before he became homeless.
      "We don't need knowledge. We need faith. If you don't agree with the Bible, you deserve to rot in Hell for all eternity. God doesn't want you. You get 70 years or so and pay with all eternity, which is exactly how it should be. Otherwise they'd be letting all sorts of trash into Heaven, now wouldn't they?"
      Do not look at him! Let us just move on. He will stop following us after a moment.
      "Did you ever quote something from the Bible? And then have somebody tell you that you're not supposed to take that so literally? They say Love thy neighbor and Thou shalt not kill but then they fight holy wars. God wrote this but meant that, blah blah blah. What, does God need an editor?!"
      Oh good, he has found a more receptive audience. Now let us turn the corner before he sees us.
      "Life is just a game. A pity I've lost the rules."
      What? Oh no, we have never released anyone as cured. No, I take that back. One inmate insisted that he was Jesus Christ, you see and he simply refused to believe anything else. His fellow inmates finally rewarded him for his persistence by crucifying him. We couldn't very well keep him here after that, now could we?
      "Judgement is easily the worst evil of them all. Fanatics who feel that they have a great purpose, a grand and chosen mission, terrify me. They take it upon themselves to save all mankind from all its evils. But to do that, they must think that they have been saved already, that they are better than the rest of us."
      Now what were we discussing? Ah yes, curing the inmates. At one time, we had another caretaker. Oh no, I have not been here always, though it has been a good many years. But you see, he had it in his mind to cure these unfortunate souls. They would not hear him and I came here after he died.
      "Science does not know. Look at how many times it changes its theories because of new facts. No, the theologians think they have all the answers and if the facts disagree, then the facts are mistaken. If the scientists ever become that self-assured, why, I'll let them lock me away!"
      No doubt he thinks he is rather witty. They often do. See how he laughs? That is a symptom. He does it because he desires attention and to impress his listeners. But of course it is only an act. No man can be that happy.
      "If all the world’s a stage, then where is the audience sitting?"
      You have another question? Then by all means ask. Well, I was not here at the time of the original caretaker's death, but rumour has it that it was the inmates themselves who killed him. But again, that is only hearsay.
      "Nothing exists. If anything does exist, we cannot know it. If we could know anything, we wouldn’t be able to communicate it."
      I hear the original caretaker had an only son. Again, there is a rumour, but I will tell it to you only so that you will not hear it elsewhere and mistake it for fact.
      "If you don’t like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question."
      This rumour, now, has it that the caretaker, who had been here long before this son's birth, made the mistake of bringing the child here and thereby contaminating him. This rumour is obviously quite absurd. An even more absurd bit of gossip claims that this was the man whom the inmates crucified.
      "Lemme get this straight. God said if you sin you die, then decided it was a bad idea and killed his son so that we wouldn’t have to die anymore? That’s crazy!"
      How many have been here before you? Oh, far too many to count. But here is an example. Now as I said, so very few become inmates, but nonetheless, all whom you see here now became afflicted after a tour. Of course the original inmates have all long since died.
      "If I tell you that I can throw an apple into orbit around the earth, you'll laugh. Why? Because you know that it is absurd. But if I tell you that there is or is not a God, you won't laugh. You'll argue rather adamantly. Is that because you aren't as sure of your footing?"
      We began releasing inmates a few years ago. People aren't being cured, but they're going insane all the time. If we release an inmate who is only a little insane, we can let another in who is very insane. Thus we do the most good with what we have.
      "If mankind has free will, then why can't I quit smoking?"
      Yes, I have often tried to close the doors to these tourists forever. Many tourists have felt that we should stop giving tours. Even some of the inmates shout that they wish no more tourists. But it seems that the petitions are lost somewhere in the hierarchy. It is so complicated that even I do not know who I serve.
      "If a person hasn’t found something that he is willing to die for, then he probably has no reason to live anyway."
      I do not like that fanatical gleam in your eyes. Come, let us leave this place at once! Yes, I know that you wish to stay, but can't you see that this is a symptom? Even now you are going mad and to stay another minute means that you will stay forever. Come, let us leave!
      "If there is life after death, why can't there be life before birth?"
      There now, that is better. You almost went mad, but you are fully sane again. Now then, do you have any questions before you depart? You do? Then by all means ask.
      You ask who among us belongs in the Givens Mental Institution? You should ask who among us does not.
     

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