Sometimes you need to step back and look at your surroundings. Soon you realize the what you've surrounded yourself with isn't what you really wanted. And somehow you've lost your sense of direction. West somehow became north and now you're lost in a no name forest of trees you've never even heard of and it's everything you can do to keep from screaming. There's no one to hear you anyways. All you want to do is get back to the road you think you were on. But you have no idea where that is. Come to think of it you don't even know what you'd do if you found it. Hit the road, drive till the sun comes up, if it even does anymore. Night riding, call a cab, taxi ride to no where, one expensive trip with a severe lack of destination. Maybe I'll just sit and watch the headlights wiz by as the world leaves me behind. But first things first, I've lost my place again. North became south and it's hotter than I can handle. Why doesn't anyone see I can't breath? And why do they seem fine? Is it all in my head? The trees? The Heat? Maybe it's the faces that have no name, but I know you from somewhere. And I still can't breath. I've got scream can't hold it in any longer. No. I'll choke it down. No wonder I can't breath, no wonder it's so hot. All these layers I'm wearing feeling like a child with these covers, blankets over my head. Cause then they can't see me and it's all ok. But it's so hard to breath under here. Maybe just a peak. Don't make a sound, they can't know who's really under here. Oh it's only the trees, they won't mind. But I'm still lost. Think someone will come looking? Doubt it. If I keep walking will I find my road? If I keep talking will someone care? If I keep praying will someone hear? If I keep writing will I answer myself? Doubt it. Maybe in a couple pages. Couple hundered, couple thousand. At least I could start a fire and keep warm with that. My head feels like alphabet soup, thoughts swimming around, eaten up before I can line then up to make any sense. Hidden meanings in the scrabble of my mind. A derailed train, still running on a collision course with my mouth and nothing comes out right. Little mouse in a big city trying too hard to be human. Logic and reason aren't with me anymore. I think I left them up Nort' somewhere. So I'm left having to wade through waist deep emotional shit. Feeling my way through this sewage of love, anger, resentment, confusion, and uncertainty. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in it, but thats my fault. I'm the genius who dived in head first and now I'm dragging others down with me. They don't realize I'm doing it. Half the time neither do I. I'm such a bad judge of character. My own character as well. I just can't seem to figure people out. They can't figure me in. Feeling like a baby's rattle, rattled when they're done with me. Their agendas don't coinside with mine I guess. Coorordinate. Skip, jump, babble on. "Don't let it drop." Music floats in and out of my head. Overturned turntables and neverending symphonies mixed with a little bit of celtic disturbed. Content in my musical bliss. Happy asa clownfish in an anenomi. My enemy. Junk picked emotions falling from my fingers. How'd that go again? Stretched out views beyond my driving force to get things done. Don't let it, don't let it drop. Over my head emotional baggage that I need to finish unpacking before I decide to pick up anyone elses. Thoughts for food! Get your sanity here! Five bucks a pop! Mine must be pretty nice, it's sold out. Drama 'round every corner. Fizzle, pop. Most of it's mine. The rest? I just kind of stumbled into it. Get out of here! Go away! I'll have none of this. So stop trying to sell me your stolen good. They're all broken anyways, just like mine. I took a leap and tried to fly with a broken wing. Hopefully no one saw me fall. How embarrassing. So now I'm fighting my way back up to the top. Reflective basics, where do I start? I've got my cross, stake, and holy water. My rabbits foot, fairy dust and four leaf clover. Maybe these silver bullets in my emotional gun will help stop this all. But it's too late. North, south, east, and west were hard enough to deal with. Now I have to fight my way up and down?! Now I'm really lost. Time. What's time? On time, out of time, back in time, before time. What time is it? Time to go. Tick tock. Invisible snow over my shoulder Cold to the marrow of everyday life. Frozen in space, miles from everyone still your standing right next to me. Reach out and touch the ghost of fading dreams. The ones I forgot I had last night. Do you remember them? Can you? Bits and pieces falling from my head. Catch them if you can. Dance the secret dance. Slow and seductive. Taunt the messenger of desire. What I admire. Who. On a pedestal. Spinning in place. A perfect idealism, prism, chatacism. Preach to me from the place I placed you. Tell me what to say, don't tell me what to do. Do what you tell me to. Focus on oblivion. Scattered again, on the wind of scurried whispers. Where did you go? Don't leave me standing in this empty lot. A lot of help you've been. Toss me a rope and then let go and watch my guilible feet fall. No, wait. I'm the one who forgot to grab on. What? What? Is that me? Hey! Look at me! Can't you see? Can't you hear me!? I'm screaming right in your face and you don't even notice!!! Of course not. All you see is a quiet little figure sitting in a corner. The one waiting for you to notice how badly she wants to scream out everything she's been holding back. But all you see is her smile, the reassuring smile she uses as she insists everything is ok. Cause I'm ok, really, I insist. But I'll sit and smile like good little girl. So no one worries as I sit and stew silently in my thick soup of self doubt. Why can't I move? Why can't I speak? Who dare bind me down? No...No! It's can't be! Are those my own feet tied by my own hands? My own hands over my mouth? Why? Why do I do this to myself? MUST-MOVE-MUST-SPEAK-MUST- S C R E A M!!! And all you see is a quiet little figure smiling reassuringly in a corner. Smile back. At least let her know your there. Cause she can't see to well sometimes. Still she knows. Set ups. Set me up. Who do you know someone that might care? I'll set up, sit with you all night if I'm not too much of an inconvenience. Please don't send me away. No matter how often I ask you to. I really just want to stay. Sleep, who needs sleep. I don't. I lie. I can't. Why can't I sleep? I only think of you sometimes and it keeps me awake. Imagine if it were all the time. I'd really be a mess. Do you even know who YOU is? Is. Is. You is me. Are me. I am you. I think about me. I don't like to but I do. I'd rather think of something else. Something worth thinking about. Cause I'm certainly not worth it. But I dwell on that. Why. Why do we ask why? Why do I ask why? Why dwell on what can't be dealt with? What are you thinking? Not Much. Do what you want, I'll be over here pretending I don't exist. Maybe then you'll notice I was even here. Desisions, desisions. Cruel jokes played on whims by responsibility. Split the facts and do the math. No choice is right. Multiple guess of the heart. Flip a coin and ask a question. Someday? Some year? Some life. Eternal pessimist pesticiding my mind against those pesky happy thoughts.

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