PROTECTING OUR BORDERS: PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES BILL OF RIGHTS FOR NON-TERRORIST BROWN FOLK SNEAKING INTO THE NATION OF TEXAS
Remarks by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. You know, they say good fences make for good neighbors, but to that I say: hiring your neighbors to mow your lawn makes them even gooder. That is why I am here today, in the misfit metropolis known as El Paso, desperately trying to dispel the fears of honest citizens terrorized that the workforce which keeps America humming might also be spending their nights in cramped, squalid apartments building nuclear jalapeño bombs in the bathtub with the help of their 234 live-in relatives.

Two whole years ago, in response to terrorism-fueled paranoia about the human tsunami of illegal immigrants pouring across America's borders, I announced my utterly logical ''sombrero loophole'' plan, which gives illegals the green light to take jobs from poor and desperate American citizens, or in today's terms, the entire hurricane-ravaged Gulf coast. Today, for whatever reason, people are still whining about it. Which is why, in keeping with my policy of absolutely, positively, never-ever giving an inch on my super-brilliant ideas, I am pleased today to release differently packaged details of the same exact plan – this time with a wink.

The wink is code to all you people who think we should dig thousands of miles of barb-wire covered trenches filled with scorpions, scorpions with THE AIDS. While I don't hate your idea, I would ask you to give my idea some more thought. Once you do, you'll agree that tagging these Latin Arabs like cattle and tracking them down whenever it suits us is just as fantastically closed-minded and paranoid as your idea!

So it is with as much pomp and circumstance as Jorge the one-man-mariachi band can muster, I proudly present the Mexi-Rican Guest Worker Bill Of Rights.

1. MEXI-RICAN GUEST WORKERS SHALL MAKE NO COMPLAINT RESPECTING AN ESTABLISHMENT OF QUASI-SLAVE LABOR CLASS, OR PROHIBITING THE EXPLOITATION THEREOF, OR ABRIDGING THE RIGHT OF THE PLUTOCRACY TO PEACEABLY SUBJUGATE THE INFERIOR.

2. WELL-REGULATED JANITOR RANKS, BEING NECESSARY TO THE AESTHETICS OF OCEANFRONT COTTAGE FORMAL GARDENS, COUNTRY CLUB FLOWER BEDS, PGA GOLF COURSES, AND/OR THE KENNEBUNKPORT YACHT CLUB, SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.

3. EVERY MEXI-RICAN SHALL, IN TIME OF GRAVEYARD SHIFTS, BE INCARCERATED IN LOCKED WAL-MARTS, TO LOVINGLY BUFF MILE AFTER ACRE OF SHINY LINOLEUM FLOOR UNDER A BRILLIANT NIGHTTIME SKY OF SEARING FLUORESCENCE.

4. THE RIGHT OF THE MEXI-RICAN TO SAVE CORPORATIONS MILLIONS IN PROFIT-ERODING HEALTHCARE COSTS SHALL NOT BE VIOLATED. IF SICK, EACH GUEST WORKER IS ENTITLED TO ONE FREE RIDE IN THE ''WELLNESS FUNNEL'' ALL THE WAY BACK TO MEXICO.

5. IN ALL DAILY AFFAIRS, MEXI-RICANS SHALL ENJOY THE RIGHT TO BE STALKED AND HARASSED BY XENOPHOBIC WEEKEND VIGILANTES NAMED ''JETHRO'', WHO RIGHTEOUSLY GUARD THE FORMERLY MEXICAN LAND THAT AMERICA STOLE FAIR AND SQUARE.

6. MEXI-RICANS SHALL POSSESS THE RIGHT TO BECOME INDENTURED SERVANTS IN AMERICA'S CHINESE RESTAURANTS AND PIZZARIAS, WHERE THEY WILL LEARN TO STIR-FRY TABLE SCRAPS AND GRATE MOZZARELLA EVEN BETTER THAN CHINKIES OR DAGOS.

7. NO MEXI-RICAN SHALL BE DEPRIVED OF THE RIGHT TO WEAR THIN RUBBER GLOVES AND PAPER MASKS WHILE EXCAVATING THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS FROM BENEATH A FRAGRANT MOUNTAIN OF CARCINOGENIC SLUDGE.

8. IN JOBS OF COMMON LABOR, WHERE THE VALUE OF COMPENSATION FALLS BELOW THE FEDERAL MINIMUM WAGE, THE RIGHT OF THE MEXI-RICAN TO RENDER JOBLESS ALL WHITE AND BLACK TRASH WHO VOTE DEMOCRAT ANYWAY SHALL BE EXPLICITLY PRESERVED.

9. EXCESSIVE VISIBILITY SHALL NOT BE GRANTED, NOR TECHNICAL AMNESTY GRANTED, NOR CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS INFLICTED -- EXCEPT AS IS REQUIRED FOLLOWING FLARE-UPS OF ''LATINO HEAT'' RESULTING IN THE DEFILEMENT OF PURE, ALL-AMERICAN LILLY-WHITE GIRLY-HOOCHIE.

10. FOR THE ACCRUAL OF ADDITIONAL HUMAN RIGHTS NOT SPECIFICALLY DELEGATED BY PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, ALL MEXI-RICAN GUEST WORKERS SHALL ACCEPT AMERICA'S STANDING OFFER TO GET THE FUCK OUT.

I sincerely hope that you all fall head over heels for my pandering bullshit, much the way the Negros did for that other Texan President who promised them civil rights. The only difference is unlike Presidential promises of yesterday, the promises I make today about tomorrow will never come true. This I swear. You may applaud now.

(Applause.)

Thank you, and hasto le visto, amigoroonis!

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

THE FOREIGN CAR BUYER DATABASE

The scene is a now-familiar one to millions of decent, TV-watching Americans: psychopathic and heavily armed Sand People speeding across the desert wastelands of the Middle East in decrepit, dented pickup trucks. These unwashed sub-humans are ''terrorists,'' and their vehicles of choice are invariably foreign-made. Yes - unimaginable as it may seem, their intense ignorance and hatred of the United States blinds these Godless buffoons to the overwhelming superiority of vehicles produced by the Big Two (formerly ''The Big Three'' - before Chrysler got in bed with Nazis). Which is all to say... TERRORISTS DON'T BUY DOMESTIC!

Having recognized this direct and conspicuous link between terrorism and foreign car ownership, the Office of Homeland Security has undertaken an essential and ambitious initiative: The Foreign Car Buyer Database (FCDB). This cutting-edge super-computer will contain the names, addresses, and DNA profiles of every foreign car buyer in the United States, and will be an invaluable tool in the domestic fight against terror. Once completed in the spring of 2002, the FCDB will be used extensively by the Federal Bureau of Investigations, which will dispatch upwards of 15,000 agents nationwide to interrogate each person (and his/her family) who appears on the FCDB's comprehensive list of potential terrorists.

In anticipation of this colossal effort, the Office of Homeland Security has ordered that all foreign car dealerships be shuttered no later than March 15, 2006 - and that their proprietors be taken into custody and their sales records seized, processed, and incorporated into the FCDB mainframe.

The OHS looks forward to continuing to make America a safer place by any means necessary, and looks forward to your presumed continued complacency.