Or maybe I should push what I have started through because no matter what else is going on I know I will feel better once I set a goal and reach it.
Things are good here with Joe and I think we have taken a few steps closer to some form of maturity ... my checks measly as they are will actually make it into the savings account...and we are trimming down on some frivilous expences Our Toy budjet has taken the biggest cut. we still buy toys and hit Target andToys r Us on a regular basis , but we have gotten to the point that we don't just buy something because it is rare or on clearance. I have given up almost completly on my female action figure collection...that makes me a bit sad but I think it will make me feel good when I see the benifits of a little discression when we actually make the big purchase and buy a computer. Everything adds up. What I want to do now is foccus stay with my Anime toys , female action figures I have some connection to , we will always have our Star Wars and Star Trek lines and I just adore classic Movie lines ... From the outside it may be difficult to see why I would care at all ..but toys make me happy, and beyond that I don't think I need to justify myself. Joe and I are fairly reclusive we don't spend our money on much else and everyone has to have an entertainment budjet. I don't think it would say anything about my maturity if I gave them up entirely , my living room might look a little more respectable and a little less like T.G.I. fridays ... but that would just be a surface ... and I don't do things to look mature I want to really grow. I think it is much more important for me now to learn the lesson of compromise ...and to try and find a way to have the things that make me happy. If I sealed up every toy I own in boxes and donated them to a charity and I never bought another toy again ... I am sure some people would think it was a step in the right direction... and maybe a clean slate would be refreshing but I would have the same obcessive behavior it would just find another form .. so I am satisfied with the progress Joe and I have made .
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Well I am sitting in my living room wearing this dark purple poet top I was so excited to buy myself when I was in highschool .... I thought it would look simply amazing at the clubs I guess...I never wore it in public however somehow even though it fit well it just made me look like a joke. At the store I saw the style of it, but wearing it was a completly different matter. I clean in it now and wear it around the house when I am cold and it didn't dawn on me until now that I must still look like a clown and that ridiculous ruffel must seem even more grotesque in my appartment late at night when I am watching MASH re-runs, drinking coacoa, and painting my toe nails. Maybe I should light some candels and set the mood.
I am not really thinking about my top tonight though I think it is just a distraction from situations that surround me that are unpleasant to deal with. I am letting things sit now just letting them sit because i don't know where to take them next... Some of the things in my life could be fixed with a word or a minimal ammount of effort but I just don't want to. What I am capable of doing now would be a short term fix. I am so sick of those.
I wake up Joe in 20 minutes he wasn't feeling so good today and I hope he can get through working tonight without too many problems. Tomorrow I think I need to go out with him. I don't care what we do I just hope we have a long drive. I think I like our time together in the car more than anything.
I think I have some e-mail to write.