(1-11-99) I will be bold

Yes.. I will ...
Today I signed a few guest books hehe thats my idea of bold ... I guess I feel bold just looking around sometimes and then there is the added obvious cry for attention that you make when you leave your url ... and somehow that makes me feel kinda cheesy .. but then I know if someone came here and left any kind of message what so ever even if it said simply look at me look at me LOOK AT ME I would enjoy it so....
Joe is sleeping I will wake him in a little less than a half an hour so I have this time to myself .
I tried to take a shower to relax , but it isn't like taking a shower in the summer is it I mean now I am cold instead of refreshed and even when I was in the shower itself one side of me was always cold .... (my cd is skipping it is quite annoying ) I love winter because of the beautiful snow but there are a few draw backs .... I didn't even wash my hair today because I plan on staying in the house and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with a wet head ... I guess it kinda got steam cleaned hehe but now I have all these cutsie pie little curls around the back of my neck where the strands got damp ..and they tickle.
How did I get onto that ,, my mind just walked away for a minute there didn't it .
Well back to my orig. thoughts .. hehe I was surfing around today looking websites ... I was looking specifically at pages with Journal entries and reading them over carefully .. It is funny half way through reading some of them I felt like the people were friends of mine but then I realized I didn't know them at all and I got a little sad thatthey would probably think it was a little strange if I just wrote them an e-mail telling them how my day went LOL hehe I don't think I am specifically lonely or attention starved really but I get attached to things easily and even though I don't hop around to too many sites I get stuck on just a few of them and lurk in the shadows and watch them grow .. I kind of like that they don't realize it because then I won't effect things ... and I like to just sit back and observe.. hehehe ..BUT then I realized .... someone might be reading this Holy shit .... I mean like I said in one of my first entries I realize this is a public forum but ... That dosn't mean I expect anyone other than maybe sin or six to read this ... (hi Guys ) and even them I figure will be bored by now ... and then I started to think of potential energy nuclear bombs and a quote I heard in some johnny dep Moivie oncenow I may mess this up a bit but ... " if you are reading a book and in the first chapter of that book they mention a gun, it is gaurnteed that by the end of the book it will go off. ..
ok how those 3 and my Journal relate in my head ... if there is a cosmic balance to the universe this Journal would serve some funtion ... to either me or more poetically another lost soul like myself ... LOL but is the world ballanced like that. These words are potential energy in a way ... they are here and someday they will be read .... BUT as a counter point I think of the flood in my parents basement and the Journal that I kept in HS that was washed away ..poof gone ... I poured so much of myself into that book and now ... I have nothing to show for those hours,days months ... but maybe some self counsiling that I administered while writing it has helped to form some signifigant part of my personality ...LOL
Wow I am really in the mood to babble today...
did you ever have little fake conversations with yourself trying to anticipate a confrontation ? well in the shower a weird little thing popped into my head for a second ... of someone confronting me about being pretentious and how my laziness with spelling was just another way for me to be pretentious ... hmm I will have to give that more thought maybe I am a bit of an asshole with that ... ok better go :)