12-5-98

Well the pot pie was great (refer to 12-4-98) It took me all of 5 minutes to eat it and now I have the hiccups .. I want to drink more mountain dew to get rid of them but I think I might be addicted not so sure it is good to get the shakes stay up all night and get nose bleeds really... I say as I open yet another soda .... I am really fucking myself up and you would think knowing was half the battle but I have no self control what-so-ever. That is a big reason why I don't drink booze :) .. I would do that to excess like I do everything else and the whole out of control thing just dosn't interest me. Besides I am uncomfortable around drunkeness I never know how much sincerity lies behind it's supposed happiness.. I just don't trust it ...I don't say this often because it is so rude and judgemental of me.. so I appologize if I offend anyone .. I am sure there are tons of benifits that i just don't realize. Joe,( hehehe, my boyfriend, <------- said with a smirk because after 7 years i feel stupid calling him my boyfriend,) dosn't drink either infact he has never been drunk and other than a sip to taste has not had a single drink... I am a sponge so maybe that effects me but I don't think so in this case ... infact his sobriety in a strange way attracted me to him ... All of his anti social behaviour attracted me actually.. I will get into more of that later I am sure but I will just say that Joe is the most honest and wonderful person I have ever met and from the first time I saw his art work and read his writings i was hooked. I keep thinking that these feelings will wear off. but I never want to be without him . We really talk to each other we are friends above all and I just feel like such an observer in every other environment. I am comfortable by myself infact content alot of the time and I am content when Joe is with me. he is so much a part of my thoughts and feelings there is almost no seperation.. The lonliness sets in when I am with other people. I always feel like I have something I want to contribute but just don't and I have such a different face to the public a sweet wonderful cheerful easy going face that I just hate , sometimes it is genuine but sometimes I want to scream I get so frustrated ... because everything has to be preplanned nothing is spontanious.. I won't mention names incase by some weird occurence they happen to read this ..well if they do I am screwed anyway because it is obvious ... but I really like them they are honest intelligent people and I get alot of joy from talking to them ... there isn't much beyond that really but for about a month now I have wanted to invite them over for pizza or something just to hang out .... and damnit the whole thing is so premeditated i just keep thinking of how to ask so it won't seem pushy or obtrusive and you know this is simple ...or it should be ! There is an ease in friendship that I lack I think it is some sort of huge social disfuntion that I have... Is it a fear of rejection? or a paranoia yet unnamed ... or is it that I am growing fat and comfortable with my life as it is and I am afraid to make any changes no matter how minor???? I have no fucking clue..

Ok you want to hear all my evil little thought concerning my Job well you won't get them all because this is a somewhat public forum and I do want to have some discression :) but I will tell you some generalities that are truthful but not harmfull to any individual :) brb gootta pee... I knew I was drinking too much soda .

ahhhh !!!!!!!!! well I really didn't need to say that did I :) Any way ... Let me tell you a little about my Job.I work at Office Depot and LOL I really like it quite a bit. I have to admit I feel like a bit of a looser from time to time...ok when I am depressed I feel like a huge fucking looser... not that there is anything wrong with Office depot , but I know I am heading the wrong direction if you know what I mean ... I keep bouncing around from one customer service job to the next, and I am really good at dealing with customers believe it or not, but I hate it in a way too because there is such an insinserity to it ... Sometimes there are moments when I can help a customer and as geeky as it sounds I really do love that but then there are other times when I just can't stand to wear a red banlon and say tahnk you to people that don't deserve it,and I always say thank you... Most of the people do deserve polightness, I get alot of wonderful customers really... but it is just the fact that it is built into my routene...

List of silly things I hate

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I hate it when a cstomer touches me LOL I swear I feel that spot for like an hour and it just bugs me(I know irrational)

I hate it when a customer reads my name off of my name badge and uses it like they are an old friend of mine.

I hate the red shirt...I love office depot they are great to work for but.... I would have applied to the store a year earlier than I did if you didn't have to wear the shirt(I guess it is a small sacrifice)

I hate running into anyone I know from college and explaining , oh this is only part time I have a studio really really I do ... The fact that i am embarrased at all tells me i better get my shit straight ..right ?

I hate it when I make mistakes ... I don't know how it is possible to feel both overquallified and incompetent at a job but somehow I manage it .

I hate myself for being so good at kissing peoples asses. Not so much at this job but at many others... irate irational customers I never get angry ..I just smile polightly and pucker up ...meanwhile my back muscles twist in knots and I get headaches but I have never lost my cool .... and that insinserity makes me feel so plastic...so sick ... and I hate myself for it ... but I know my place my position when I take a customer service job and that kind of abuse is what i set myself up for isn't it... ( as a side note i am not really talking about OD here but the jobs I had before it at builders square and SEARS)but why be vendictive now.

Email: chobek@webtv.net