12-4-98
I have kept a journal since I was in junior high ,, it
is just something that calms me.
When I look back i
will see heartbreaking depression because of a failed test
, that now is completly forgotten, or little details
that somehow get... lost, like what meal I ate the day
got my cat bogart. In a worldly historical sense there
is nothing of any real value in them...and i know that
...the writing in them is plain and my art work is
average..but it dosn't matter, I have some distorted pride
in them reguardless. I look to the volumes I have created
and feel I have acomplished something, and I don't find
that sort of warmth often.
This is a first, my first on line journal. It seem so odd
to me to have these notes public and I can tell that
there is a tightness in these words that there isn't when i
write just for myself . Of course that may be good
because when I look over my journals i find sentences
broken in half words that i can't decipher ( um there
may be a few of those in here too ... :) )and stories
that start and end from nowhere. I hope though that I
loosen up because writing and creating for an audience so
that my thoughts come through coherently is something i
desperatly need to work on. I absolutly suck at
presentation especially with my art work I just never
seem to pull things through to the last polishing step. I
am happy at times with that slopiness but mostly it
irrate=ates the hell out of me ....
Well enough of this kind of thing let me tell you why i
started a journal on line .
I was hopping around one day and came across a page on
line.... no I wasn't hopping i found it off my guestbook
"For the world is Hollow and i have Touched the sky"
Anyway there was a section that hit me in
a strong way. The entries were amazing ... Well I don't
want to go into too much detail but it definitly made an impression on me. I started looking around alot more and found alot of sites that I admired. I was even brave enough to post on this poetry board (2ten).I had to work up to that. I would read without contributing for the longest time then finally one night I got tired and dopey enough that I didn't care about my paranoia
It is funny what I am so insecure about is not my work... positive and negative feedback is equally interesting to me , but every time I post or sign a guestbook I feel like an intruder ...I have no clue where that comes from. Sometimes I just feel like there is a protocall that i have missed out on some unwritten law that I am going to break. and I don't want to be agressive . My nature is passive. I realize (especially since I have gotten out of school) that feed back is important to me but it pains me to ask for it. ALOT of that is my own head, I mean shit i feel pushy if I leave a link to my home page on someones guest book , and that's just nuts and I know it . hehe and another thing I worry about is my spelling it comes off so ignorant... but i have absolutly no skills when it comes to spelling , and with web tv it is such a bitch to spell check anything especially GB entries ... half the time I avoid the words I really want because i know there is not a chance in hell that I will ever get them right .... BOY oh Boy am I riffing ... blah blah blah ... look at me get wrapped up in insecurity .... that is just way too easy isn't it that whole self pity thing , All the problems I have described could be worked through if I just applied them to situations as they happen .. I mean I am the one in control and I just have to stop this passive whimp act it really pisses me off sometimes ... Unfortunatly these moments of honesty only come to me at times like this at 5am heheeh 5:38 am actually ...why the hell did I stay up till 5 in the morning drinking Mountain dew ???
I made myself a pot pie , it has been sitting in the microwave for about 15 minutes now , it is done and ready to eat , but I am lazy I guess... I am going to go eat it :) so long for now and next entry I will tell you all about my experience! :)
good night :)
Email: chobek@webtv.net