:) happy to be writing again 3-7-99
I can't believe i havn't disconnected
yet ... it has been so long since I
have been able to add something new
because of endless technical problems...
but I havn't disconnected tonight and I
am hoping that this will start a
trend.
I feel like I have been appologizing
to everyone for months because of my
problems. I feel that way for good
reason. I know that must have been
annoying ... and I know there are those
who doubt the sincerity of my problems
and to that all I can say is ... Well I
can't say anything ... there is no use
appologizing again and going into further
details. Accusations are tricky things . I
already feel a guilt like I have done
something that I need to feel shame for,
and I keep thinking in my head that if I
was really commited i would have made more
of an effort(which is possibly true)...
but you know what I am not going to
worry about any of that. I am going to
treat this one night of solid
connection like the fluke and catch up
on some old habbits... If all goes well
this is my plan of attack... first I
will write this entry (even if it does
suck ) then I will hit my regular pages
catch up on some reading
;) ... Possibly try chat and see if six
and or Mary are on and then if my
good luck holds out i will write some
long over due e-mail... LOL
I should write the e-mail first but I
think I need to sort out my thoughts
(shit I just disconnected .... shit ) I
was so excited about being able to
write that I didn't stop to think if i
had anything to say or not ... ugh but
now I am just going to end this and
hope that I can get it up and posted
before I loose it ... I think I have
lost about 7 entries now and that
just depresses me .... I kind of lost
my ambition after being discouraged so
many times ... same thing happened with
my e-mail ... I would start a letter and
loose it start it again and by the
3rd or 4th try I wasn't saying
anything I wanted to say I was just
whining about my connection problems...and
that even got on my nerves ... so
after a bit I stopped trying and let
myself be content to wait for all the
problems to be fixed ...
well I really better go sorry this
dosn't say much.. I guess I am just
happy to see it up ...