1-6-99
Well today we bought a battery charger for
our car... because it needed two jumps to
get going this morning. We just got the
batery a year ago so I don't know what the
deal is but we havn't had an oil change
in awhile. I had no idea that effected
the batteryh but then I don't even
know how to drive so why should I
right . I hate being so ignorant on
this and I am sure so does Joe ...but I
have to admit my weaknesses . I hope we
resolve this soon I don't like to live with
something so undependable.
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Well that stuff up there is pretty much
crap daily concerns yes but nothing I
should really bother myself with...Every
problem like that will pass ... last
night I found myself writing 4 pages in
my paper journal about a comment that was
made to me at the end of buisness at
Office Depot ... a comment I didn't like
or appreciate ... but you know what it
was not a big deal in itself and I can
see myself in 10 years looking back to
it and going Shit why the hell did I
waste my time ... but I needed that
release I guess and I should allow myself
those outbursts privately if I am incapable
of public specticals ...speaking of
specticals (lol sp) tonight I posted to a
poetry news group, I have been so lost since
I can't get into 2ten , I was such a
lurker there, I had my favorite artists
and I even posted twice but now my link
dosn't work . I assume it is up and
running somewhere but since I wasn't a
true part of the whole thing I have no
Idea how to get to it ... i have a poem
up there that I kind of wrote on the
spot , it was inspired by something I
have written in my blue journal but
when I posted it I made alot of changes
like I always do ...and I am so greedy I
want to get back there just to see
if I got any feedback and get a copy of
my revisions.
The group I posted to tonight made me
nervous like everything does ... but they
had a big thread on mis spelling and
webtvers and well I am a huge sloppy
ass when it comes to that ... so as
ashamed as i am to admit it I simplified
my poem so I could gaurantee the
spelling ... I felt kind of like I was
a musician cutting down a song to fit
between the commercials on the radio and
after I posted I felt kind of sick
about myself for lacking both courage
and a dictionary... I know there are
some filters on line where I can spell
check things but I knew if I postponed
I would never submit so I just went
ahead and did it .... and I put this
weak ass disclaimer on the bottom about
disclaimers UGH! it was so laim ... hehe
and the people were real poets not
like me they took their craft very
seriously insuring every word had the
impact and stress they desired them to
have ... extremely concidered work I
could tell . I just know If they saw
my off line Journal or even this one
they would scream .. I have so many bad
bad habits when it comes to writing
first of all I am insecure about it
because for years I have only written
for myself and I have all these weird habits
... <--- like that ... I use that alot
because i like pauses I like how the
... looks and when I write in my Journal
I like to save space and not start any
new paragraphs . I know I use it
improperly but It just kind of sticks
with me , but if confronted I would have
to admit I have no excuse for myself.
When I was in college I would turn in
preliminary poems with lines around them
because that is how I would seperate
them in my journals??? and it never
occured to me to change my vocabulary
when i was out of that realm.
I don't know how I feel about my poetry
really . I can't say I don't take it
seriously but I can say that it is
unsophistocated and underdeveloped. I can
tell that it comes from the same place
as my visual and sculptural work (how odd
I don't think of sculpture as visual i
define it as spacial hmmm odd) When I look
at my poetry though I don't even know how
to comment... when I do a drawing I can
pull it appart deconstruct it and tell
you something of how it came about ,
what I intended when I started and how
sucessful I think I was in communicating
that.. but with poetry I am lost. I write
it with a different mind and it comes
from a place in me I don't understand . I
will feel the urge to write and before
I realize it a sentence is on the
page.and I am surprized by the words. For
a long time I hated my poetry for that
reason. When I was in HS I would have
waking dreams about one sentence and from
there a whole page would spill out . but I
couldn't stand that lack of control . I
couldn't shap the words because I didn't
understand where they came from, Like the
poem today stones...
There were these stones I kept in my
pocket
they were precious and symbolic of my
focuss,
I loved their buttery soft depth,
and
that cool heavy memory they seemed to
hold
Often my fingers conformed to
converse with their shape
and I imagined wisdom would rub off to calm
me when my infantile angst would flare
But I am older.
Their weight is my anchor pulling me to a
stability I detest but find comfort
in.
So they sit on my dresser.
mixed with coins and bits of paper lint.
I look to them with the love and
compassion you feel for forgotten friends.
but when I touch them I feel their
regrets,
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ok that was the poem (BTW I slaughtered it
i see now when I posted it why was I so
nervous I mean I put it up to get feed
back and I know I don't care if it is
negative infact I kinda get off on that
... ugh)
now let me tell you what is weird about
that ... I don't even have a dresser
aND I never had any stones ??? I don't
feel like I am too stable infact I
crave stability in my life and if
anything I feel imature so why am I
writing about middle age doldrums??? I
just don't get it , is there some
subconcious thing I don't understand
about myself ? do I feel stagnant ? and
what do the stones represent ? I keep
trying to pick it appart and I can come
up with some form of logic or another
but none really fit ... like this one
poem I wrote it started as a flash in my
head of my kindergarten passing around
the class guinne pig and the warnings
to be careful with it and what I wrote
turned into this sexual peice written in
first person from a male perspective? I
mean I like the piece but I just feel
so out of control that I kind of assume
my poetry must be kinda crappy even
though I care about it quite a bit .
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UGH UGH UGH well it went up on the group but al my carrots showed and that really sucks ...... ugh ugh ugh and and and I posted with the wrong e-mail it has my real name up now I just didn't want to get spam here but ugh ugh ugh !!!!!