College
Somehow starting just about the first day I fell into freindships and social activities with my classmates ???? I have no clue why I hadn't anticipated or desired that but then that is probably why it worked out so well . Melanie(a friend from HS) was in my class and at Miad foundations year (freshman year ) that meant she was in all my classess I had an instant bond with her. I started talking to leslie Jerome nd a few others and bang there was this clique thing happening (well at least that is how it seemed to outside eyes ) Here is where I interject a bit of Joes impressions ... LOL the first time he saw me he thought I must be a real bitch I was wearing sunglasses listening to Metalica had lots of friends and because I was really fat that meant I must be even a bigger snob to compensate :) hehe ...
My first impression of Joe was different ...shit he was tall had long hair a huge chest and beautiful eyes ... he was an ashtray (code word for hunk ) but that wasn't what hooked me it took a little while for me to turn to complete mush ...this is what got me I saw his artwork and bam I was struck .. then I read some of his writing in discussion groups and it was so beautifully articulate and intelligent .... wow ... I was starting to fall ... he was quiet and reserved and he was just about the only person that wasn't included in our quickly forming little group and I never want anyone to be left out or feel uninvited ... so I made specific efforts to talk to him and make him feel welcome.
Even though I was attracted to him my intentions were very innocent at first I mean I was use to be attracted to people and keeping it supressed for long periods of time. and falling in love was a gradual process for me and I think that is why it hit me so hard every single time it happened because even to myself I would deny it .. but with every new drawing the situation got worse.
Now when I say Joe was quiet I don't mean in any conventional way..I mean he didn't speak at all even when spoken to sometimes ... it took me weeks of saying good night to him when I passed him on the bus stop before i got more then a head nod ... it was painful , I think for both of us ,but it wasn't him being aloof or an asshole he was just that , quiet shy , reserved .... whatever you call it ...
we were in Julie's exploritory writing class in a one on one discussion group and I got paired with joe ... it wasn't even pre planned by me (this time hehe ) and I looked over and he was drawing the cutest character on the side of his paper it was lil'Jason and it was like this ridiculous toddler or kid version of Jason from friday the thirteenth ... and I couldn't stop laughing ... hehe we talked then really for one of the first times ...
I made sure if I had a choice that he was in my critique groups in ever class from then on ... it wasn't just because I had a crush on him though I wasn't that Juvinile besides I wasn't insane on him just yet ... but his comments were the most honest and insitefull when he made them which I will admit was infrequently ... but I always try to surround myself with honesty ...and I was impressed with his objectiveness... besides no offence to anyone in the class because eventually some very serious and dedicate artists developed , but at the time Joe was one of the few people that really demonstrated a real passion and commitment to the work especially in figure drawing.that some of the others just didn't seem to have ...
As I watched him , and thats how it starts with me ... I sat back and observed I saw that he seemed lonely and even though he didn't know it on many levels I already deeply cared about him . So I made sure that he was included in our social occations as well ..that clique I mentioned before well it had become tighter and we were always hanging out after school and went bowling of all ungodly things everyone else was drunk but I don't have an excuse for myself ... hehe So joe came bowling .. I don't remember if I asked Leslie (our ring leader for a time ) directly or if she just saw my attraction and thought it was cute but she invited him and I was extatic when he accepted .... I don't know if it was that night or one soon after that we talked about Captain Cave man while listening to a bill Cosby record in the back ground but we started to talk about things and get to know each other and that was it ....
Skip ahead to the Christmas party... I was GONE GONE GONE .. by this time I was in love we had become good friends we shared so many interests he was brilliant and could keep me in cheque when I tried to get all deep on him which I loved he didn't blow me off and it didn't go over his head and he was smarter than I was and all of my deep questions and thoughts needed grounding to really bloom into anything serious.so we matched perfectly ... I started to force leslie to invite him everywhere and I would buy him little things he liked and ask Leslie to give them to him because I liked being kind of in the background ( I.E. the christmas bowling socks ) This is something I did alot because of insecurity and in my head at the time because I honestly loved both leslie and Joe I was hoping they would get together because as pathetic as it sounds I didn't even put myself in the picture yet. It wasn't all self pity mind you it was alot of that but I ust like observing arranging and orchestration situations too so it was this weird mix of things .... so the Christmas party ... well for the first and last time I tried a certain mild but illegal substance and I didn't think it would effect me but ... heeh ... Joe was at the party and I was playing with Leslies cat cream ... hmmm .... anyway Joe and I were talking and I felt like there was this magnet pulling me twords him and I would say things I didn't want to because I was relaxed I was being very warm and freindly to him and my paranoia was shouting at me but it was like a little voice instead of the screaming one I usually hear... but it built up and finally I just had to get out of there ..Leslies appartment had this roof I loved to go out on and I would go up there often and no one ever came with me when I went so I excused myself saying that I needed air and offered just to be polight " anyone want to come ?" it was fucking december and I knew I was the only person that wouldn't be too cold ...I love the cold weather .... but Joe came .... Oh I was freaking out because he was who I wanted to avoid .... so we are on the roof and I was talking a mile a minute about how wouldn't it be wonderful if an archetect could design a city all at once instead of growing like moss even though I liked moss blah blah blah ... and I was so afraid I would touch him because we were very close to one another ... Nothing happened on the roof by the way ... we went back to the appartment and then Leslie and I went to pick and save to get some more beer and while we were walking there I finally admitted out loud what had been silent before ...I had a crush on Joe ... (ok one funny thing to mention I was so paradoid at this point I was afraid joe was folowing us and hiding behind trees. ) I was in love ....
I think it was a few days after this that I wrote a letter that I would never send but I needed to exist to my friend from HS appologizing to him because I was in love with someone else but wanted him to understand I still loved and thought about him often ... (hmmm maybe I should start living in the real world ...you think ? ) That letter was so secret that I locked it away hehehe.
There is alot more to this story but I have written enough tonight .