(1-10-99) I have been discovered ...
This one is just for you MARY and SIX XXXOOOXXX Love you both !
:) ok now on with my daily routeen... let me tell you what happened with my day ... I worked... like I always do and had a grand grand grand time doing it .... hehe
I did alot of thinking and writing today really and most of it came out pretty dismal unfortunatly but I think I know where that is comming from I am sure you do too ...it is comming from me. There were a couple of people that helped me through the day and that was good because I had to leave happier than I arrived...I just had to.
I found out one of my family members was institutionalized last night. I have this huge paranoid fear that one day I am just going to snap I hate my mood swings and hearing the news on top of everything else that I have been going through well...it just kind of made me straighten up and become happy even if I wasn't... I don't like to be out of control ... I get upset with myself when I am too happy or too sad and over compensate ... I never alow myself to get angry and always fear my temper..even when I destroy myself inside to hide my true feelings ... I am a very emotional person ...I cry at movies in a snap I giggle uncontrolably and I hate being complimented because I fucking blush like an idiot .... and when I get angry I can really hurt people .... I know what words to say to make someone feel the same pain I do somehow I picked up knife twisting skills ... and that makes me so sad that I am good at hurting others ... so I always back down because I just end up hating myself for my outbursts ... but then I feel spineless... when I was in grade school I would just let people hit me because I knew if I hit them they would get hurt ... and I knew I could take it ... and thats just fucked up it isn't nice or sweet or kind of me it is abusive ... where is all that anger going ? am I stuffing it in a little ball inside of me ... is that what comes out of me every few months when I have to take a day just to cry and sleep and hate myself for no reason ...yesterday was one of those days for me ... I could have told you it was comming but I just couldn't avoid it ... and it is hard to describe but I just kept linking all these unrelated things together things that didn't even make sense and everything I thought of came to one conclusion I was in a big dark hole and there was no way I was ever getting out of it ... and It was just getting deeper ...
I am not writing this to get pity there is nothing wrong with my life ... I see that now ... but it scares me that yesterday I don't think anyone could have reached me with that bit of sanity ... what if I get stuck in one of those days what if I just stay there in that self loathing pit ?
So I genuinely became happy at the store today it took alot of writing in my journal and support from my co-workers but I pulled through it once again ... and once again I have a nice warm feeling of self esteme sitting in my tommy and if anything I have a bit to much of supportive positive ego happening ... but i guess I can live with a swelled head because even if I feel a bit guilty about it I feel a hell of alot better than I did yesterday .
Well enough of this ...blah blah blah I am going in circles yet again ....
I have the next few days off I am thinking of possibly trying to clean this shit heap ... will I do it ...well I bet not ... I think I should invite someone over just so I have a dead line to work with .. maybe annemarie I havn't seen her in a bit and it is nice to get together with her at least once a year :) ...10 minutes until I wake up Joe ... awwe... ZZZZZZZZZZ...hehehe
well mary wrote me an E-mail today talking about the baby chibi marc ... and already he is changing ... he is going through different stages in his little life and he is moving forward no matter what anyone says or does ... life is so amazing that way .... it never realy lets you stop to catch your breath...
hang on I got a mail ... i better wrap this up ....
night :)