Today in a conversation a coworker assumed a trust existed between us …that did not …and that made me uneasy. This person went on to tell me how others had violated her trust and how that made her feel …unhappy. And I thought. Don’t trust me, what I said however was “You shouldn’t trust anyone, the store is too small for that ”I wish I could say that I wasn’t apart of the gossip circles and that none of that touched me, but I can’t there are moments just today that I wish I could take back … I wish I could replace those moments of honesty with silence but I can’t. I am sure a word or two from my lips will be filtered through the chain coming to some point far from my meaning …or possibly even worse maybe a dead on description of how disgusted I am with it all will surface…. And they will receive the new morsel and they will be oh so shocked and offended but I will never hear a word directly from them, I will have to be patient and wait while the whole process is repeated… and when I get my ear full I will act surprised, or unaffected, or amused depending who delivers my new fix of gossip…. I hate the whole thing. It just makes me sick. No one knows the real me there. There are a few people that have a clue but even they are missing the vital pieces that I am afraid to give away, and when I do open up I do it in strange freaky ways that seem annoying even to me, I would hate me if I was thrust upon myself so I don’t know what it is I hope to accomplish really.

I am embarrassed of my actions the other night… The girls were standing around giggling and swapping mildly sexual stories and dirty little jokes … and I don’t know why but I joined in. I spoke of private loving tender moments as if they were just sleazy bits of shock trivia …and for a second I felt stronger than them because I knew I would go further to make a point …and I had some pretty juicy stories to tell … but then I just got so depressed because I realized Joe was my best friend above all else and I Love him and I was so ashamed of myself for reducing those moments to cute little stories passed around simply for entertainment…. And that is when I felt the disgusting factors of the word whore…. I guess nothing was so tragic and I am being melodramatic…. But I just felt sleazy at that moment. I don’t mind speaking of sexual things in fact I enjoy being honest about sexuality … but I am going to have to keep in mind this feeling so I don’t flaunt it to suit my own ego again.

I think that what made me do it was power … It is not like I am a sex pot in a physical way … but I know mentally that my sexuality is complex…and that my honesty and devotion to it make me strong… I do not compromise or hide the things that pop into my head I indulge them… Joe shares my interests and flows with my whims as I try to with him…. And then we talk about the meaning of every impulse and try to dissect our interests … and that is an important step. Joe has made me confident …and because I have him so solidly on my side I feel beautiful wonderful and smart…when I am away from him though it is different. By myself I am stable I feel secure … but around others I feel the need to be so respectful of their space that I shove myself in a corner… and when I try to come out I get aggressive raunchy or distasteful just to claim territory …and I hate that about myself … usually that only happens around people I am unsure of … people I have a mixed opinion of … LOL When I am getting to know someone I respect it is even worse…. I try to share everything …Every moment, with them and when they even get within and inch of me I talk … a lot …about anything … It is really pathetic…. I think B.J & Talisa thought I was nuts when we went to see Episode one. I ran into Julie a good friend of mine from Builders Square at z-techa the other day…. On a side note she is wonderful… Joe liked her immediately she is unique and complex smart and even though I am not sure she would be happy to hear this sometimes she just makes me smile even when she is most frantic… I really don’t have anything negative to say about Julie, Oh except maybe one thing… as a sort of statement she stole a lawn jockey off of someone’s lawn and although I understand the sentiment … I would not have responded in the same way … LOL but…. I don’t think she would mind me mentioning it here and just to avoid any legal tangles …for the record her last name is Smith  OK I got off the track…. Wait what was the track? Oh yeah…. Well we were talking and wandered into complaining about work and her and Joe decided that I must be a magnet for these people … I hope to God they are wrong! Wow 2:30 I better get to bed I am so tired I doubt much of this has been coherent… Mary if you read this I love you sweaty! And I will write you soon I just got off on a boring tangent so I got it out of my system so I could write you a decent letter 

Well good night to all of you reading this … um ok no one is going to read this other than maybe Mary … but I wouldn’t have written it or posted it if I thought they really would…. I think I put these pages up as a sort of dare…. I dare you to find out what a fucking psycho I really am…. Good night!