Out of Practice 1-18-99

Well I went into a large chat room for the first time in sooooooo long ... Goddess and halo and tweaked and sixguns and sin were there and a bunch of others paul etc that I havn't had any contact with in months ... it was nice to see everyone all together... but I have to admit I was lost ... I always am if a chat room reaches a capasity of more than 3 . I type slow and I guess I could blame it on that but really what I think it is with me is that , I just back off if there are too many voices ... I have only been to a few parties but usually it ends up the same for me I zero in on one poor soul and talk to them the whole night and try to ignore the background noise ... well the same happens with me in chat ... I either sit listen but don't speak or I pm sin about some unrelated topic while the rest of the room goes by ... it drives me nuts ...

Tonight though I was content to listen to the room It had been so long since I had seen my friends and it was just kinda nice to sit back and hear about their lives for awhile .

I think it might make sin a little sad that I don't enjoy the large rooms as much as her but I don't know that I ever will be able to it just dosn't seem to fit with my personality.and not that it really fits with hers but I think she is better at adapting ...and enjoying things for what they are.

Well to be completely honest I don't know exactly where chat fits me really ... when I think back on it I just wonder why I ever went on ...

I remember thinking it was amazing and wonderful in a technoligical way and wanted to be apart of the future hehe ...I think that is why I started ... when I first went on with the netlink the chat rooms were funny ...people would say hi ...anyone there ... and list their age and where they were from ... it reminded me of the first letter you write to a pen pal when you are assigned one in grade school. ...I remember Korn had some kind of counter set up so that when the people came into the room it would list it ... but I just thought he was so bored that he counted ...

Veg is the first person I had a real conversation with and I think if I had not latched onto him (and his interest in anime ) my devotion to chat would have ended much sooner. He was always great fun and for awhile we would stay up until early morning talking about anything .... It was because of veg that I started to think of chat as something more than a curriosity and soon it became just a tool for me to contact my friends because the novelty wore off and I started to see real people.

I think I met Pete not long after veg ...and of course soon to follow was the marvelous sin ... I have a description of my impressions of them elsewhere on this page so I won't go into that again ... but me pete and sin had some wonderful moments together ... I started meaningful communication with quite a few people and the biggest compication to the whole thing was juggling people so that there were quiet moments , if you know what I mean ... In the large rooms things were fun and crazy and they were good to let out clever exchanges back and forth and goof on life ... but the large rooms arn't where you meet real people ... or get to know anyone ... and I don't mean cyber sex .. I never did that ...I don't put it down mind you ... I am an open minded person on the subject , but I would never do that to joe ..and because of Joe I never really wanted to either...besides it really fucked up alot of people and more times than I can list I thought the walls of chat were crumbling around me.. I think alot of problems came from one simple yet understandable flaw with chat ... People were more often than not who they wanted to be more than who they were..and text is funny in that you can make up your own voices and it was easy to decieve yourself about people when your own imagination was responsible for making up a part of their character... I had that problem a few times ...hearing what I wanted to hear when I needed to feel a certain way ... It wasn't conincidence that when I was depressed it seemed like everyone hated me and when I was happy everything was peachy keen ... The same thing happens in the real world I imagine but on chat it is so much easier to indulge your own whims and find a source for what is missing in your life ...

I have thought alot about what was missing in mine and I have come up with a few answers ... I don't feel lonely really even now when I am writing an Online Journal I feel like I am contenting myself and not making an attempt to reach out ... but thats just silly obviously I want people to know who I am and what I think ...and I want to communicate something even if I don't know what that is or what form I want it to take .... Well that is the big picture ... but like with everything else my Emotions phase in and out ...
What I needed at first was security ... Joe works third shit I don't have any friends other than him locally that I can do anything with I don't drive and I was in a new appartment in a bad neighborhood ....and no matter what was going on if I had a voice at the other end of the line I felt safer and it would pass the time painlessly. Of course there was more to it I mean I got to know and care and love people ...

Somewhere down the line it bored me though chat in general I mean ...everything was too cool and snappy and slick and ultimatly I viewed most of the large room exchanges as superficial ...and I would go on some nights only because I was expected to be there ...not because I wanted to be ... my evening entertainment was becomming a burdon and it seemed that I took everything too seriously more seriously than anyone else ... what I didn't realize at first was that very few people were themselves everyone had a mask but me ... but I think I just didn't have one because I wasn't clever enough to invent one . So I began to actually hate it not any one person but it ... I loved the peices but the picture was distasteful to me .... Now I use it to cut down on LD rates and Mary is like a member of the family in this house :) I know it isn't true but sometimes I think I was more excited about Chibi Marc being born than she was ... hehe but when she tells me what little marc is doing in his bassinet or how she has to hold him or he cries because he is a mammas boy well I know she is pretty proud and excited herself :) Six is an op now and even though we don't get a chance to talk as much as we use to sin&six are the people I cling to now... Many others are important to me and will always have my love wether they realize it or not ...but they are my stiching right now ..It is funny as I write that I feel guilt like saying they are special is saying everyone else isn't and that someone someday will read this and say hey my name isn't even in there she must not have thought of me at all... well I have to realize that kind of paranoia is unecessary because the important people in my life have effected me and changed me for ever for better or for worse and I have hopefully been some building block for them .. people and moments stay with me and when I need them they surface .. right now I need to feel a bond to sin and six ...and thats what I feel but every person in my history will have their moment of reccognition...if that means anything at all...