2-14-99 Valentines Day Desperation is everywhere!
(side note here is hoping I don't freeze,
trying to write an e-mail tonight I froze
over 8 times. ... I don't know if it is my
phone line or what but I havn't been
able to funtion on line recently without
constant interuption. That's one reason I
have neglected my Journal.. on to
Valentines Day desperation. )
Well when I was in high school and I was
lonely and bitter I remember my friends
would wear black arm bands to celebrate
the holiday ... I took a more self piting
approach and would write page after page
of questions...Will I ever find love will
anyone ever love me that isn't forced to
by blood ties ... I still remember the
pain of the day as it passed. My
Optimistic side holding out hope until the
very end and my pesimism screaming "you
fat piece of shit you suck" The mood
didn't last beyond the day and usually it
wasn't that severe ...I was easily distracted
by the goofy Valentines my friends and
parents supplied and quite content with my
heart shaped boxes of candy... and I really
felt a warmth when I saw a couples
attachement enhanced with a rose or a
baloon..even if it was kind of artificialon
that Halmark way...
Now I have Joe... and that excludes me from
the cynisism. I want to say it dosn't
because I am sick of people saying to me
oh you wouldn't understand you have
someone.. but I can't say that I am
anything but happy when the day rolls
around as far as it concerns joe and I . but
I still understand in a profound way I
believe lonliness... I can still feel it when
I see someone hurt or feeling alone so when
I am kept from comforting the people I care
about because they think I am not on their
side of the evil hated day I feel sad.
There is a desperation that showes itself
though and that just makes me cringe(here
comes an example)Today at work I had the
lovely and wonderful task of washing out the
garbage cans... so I am reaching half of my
body into the can reaching for a bit of
gum that is sticking to the side ... trying
not to think about what i am doing so I
can just get it done... and I hear a
voice asking me where the bathroom is...
so I crawl out of the can (that brings
up images of oscar the grouch) My hair
hanging in strings my face red and
splotchy because I had been using windex
and I am illergic... sneazing ...in a
stained ugly red office depot shirt with
the little name badge... and I look at the
guy because I am standing 2 feet from the
bathroom... I put on my I am so friendly
customer service smile and say something
like right here sir !!:) and he asks me
if I have a boyfriend??? Now I am not an
expert on pick up lines since I have never
been to a singles bar but... the whole thing
seems un-smooth... I say yes but he goes
on to ask me if I have a date for tonight
... I say yes something like sorry not
interested but he keeps trying...so he goes
into the bathroom and comes back out and
asks me questions about where to find stuff
in the store and I answer him ...and once
again I am polight and then he and his
friend just keep comming back .... well
for something he requested I suggest he
goes to the front service desk and he leaves
saying some comment like I hope they are all
as cute as you ....??????? Ok I know I
looked like shit and even though you could
describe me as cute I wouldn't say that
by any conventional means I am attractive...
Maybe he was enammered by my huge ass
sticking out of the Garbage can:) hehe
well anyway ... I don't say this to put
myself down but if I am cute I certainly
wasn't then and I don't think anything was
driving him but pure and utter
desperation...
But I guess it is easily enough forgotten.
Joe and I didn't do much this year but that
was alright with me We ordered pizza watched
horror movies and Austin powers last night to
celebrate and because I worked I barely saw
him at all today . I made him a card at
work but all it was was a list of things
and moments we had spent together and I
told him I was happy to share my life with
him . which is true.I love him.