Luke and Obi-Wan
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease
you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-
sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table
and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly
and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."
My Father... Speedy
My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the
empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open
stretch.
Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the
other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer
with a cheery, "Good morning."
"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied
the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"
The X-Mas Bug
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "What's wrong with me? I'm
afraid of Santa."
The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrofobic."
Arnold, Sly, and Van Damme
Excited about his new project concept, a movie producer had called
together
several big name draws to kick some ideas around.
The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured
Stallone,
Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.
The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and
they were
prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would
portray.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to
play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."
Things were going well; the producers were pleased.
"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
A Computer Geek Joke
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them,
"Get out! We don't serve your type here."
How The A Christmas Tradition Got Started
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.
The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they
had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon
and were dead drunk. To makematters worse, they had taken the sleigh
out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer
are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he
isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from
the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man!
Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
Happy Anniversary Dear!
One day, a man went to a flower shop. He wanted to know what he
should get his wife for their anniversary. The owner pulled out
a bird and said, "His name's Chet. Light a match under his left
leg and he sings Happy Anniversary. Light a match under
his right leg and he sings Happy Birthday."
Since the man wasn`t a very good shopper, he took it
instead of flowers. He took it home to his wife, and
she loved it. She lit a match under his left leg and he
sang "Happy Anniversary." Then, she lit one under his right
leg, and he started singing "Happy Birthday." She was so
pleased, but then she wondered, "What would happen if I
lit a match under both of his legs?" So she did. Then,
Chet started singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
Chicken Goes To The Library
A chicken goes into a library and says, "Bok," so the librarian
gives it a book. Ten minutes later the same chicken comes in
again and says, "Bok bok." The librarian gives the chicken two
books, but being a bit curious, follows the chicken down the
road where the chicken meets a frog. The frog says to
the chicken, "Redit, redit!"
She Hit Me!
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After
being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the
incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case.
"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?"
said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf
from the center of our dining room table."
The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
A world-renowned ventriloquist is doing a huge show in
Madison Square Garden for thousands of people. In his act,
he throws in a few blonde jokes here and there. At the
end of the show, he is backstage when a blonde woman
approaches him, visibly shaken.
"I just want to tell you how disgusted and offended I
was by your show tonight. The way you made fun of blondes
was unnecessary and uncalled for!"
The ventriloquist was completely taken aback. He had no
idea that his show would ever offend anyone!
"Ma'am, I am so sorry. If I had any idea that I would offend
audience members, I would never have done the act,
and I am very sorry." He said sincerely.
"No, no," said the blonde. "I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to that bastard sitting in your lap."
The Celebrity Riddle
What is it?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
The pope has one but doesn't use it.
Cher doesn't have one.
Get your mind out of the gutter... it's a last name!
Doc Help!
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to
administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor
did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I
can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a
letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do
once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your
help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest
tone, "Pay me in advance."
The Hike
A blonde, a redhead, and brunette
decided to go on a hike.
The redhead said, "I brought water, so in case we get thirsty,
we will have something to drink." And she started up the hill.
The brunette said, "I brought food, so in case we get hungry, we
will have something to eat." And she started up the hill.
The blonde followed.....
The brunette and the red head turned around and said, "What'd you
bring?"
The blonde said, "I brought a car door. In case we get
hot, we can roll down the window :)
The Big Bad Bug
A man was sitting down watching his t.v. one evening,
when he heard a loud knocking on his door. Wondering who
on earth it could be, he jumped up to answer it.
There, standing before him, was a large beetle who
proceeded to beat him up. The next evening,
there was the same knocking at the door.
Cautiously the man answered the door. Again, there was
the beetle, and the same thing happened. The man
took himself down to his doctor with his cuts
and bruises and explained the whole situation to
his Doc. "Hhmm," said the doctor, looking at his
wounds, "I'd heard there was a nasty bug going around!"
My Poor Girlfriend
My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First she got ton-
sillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia. After that they
gave her hypodermics and inoculations. I thought she would
never win that spelling bee.
The Psychic Said...
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as
fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so
fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy answers, "75 cents."
Home For The Holidays!
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at
the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back,
and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what
do we tell them for Christmas?"
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,"
and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
The Palm Beach Pokey
You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!
With The Long Brown Hair...
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded
at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
Last Request
Three men die in a car crash, and they find themselves
at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked,
"As your mortal remains lie below on Earth in your casket,
and friends and family are mourning you, what would
you most like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I
was a really great physician and healer, yet also a great
family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.......
LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Cash, Check, or Charge
"Cash, check, or charge?" the cashier asked. As the woman
looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do
to him."
Kids, Kids, or Kids
A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch.
After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do
you have?"
The woman answered, "Four."
The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?"
The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."
Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named
your fourth child 'George'?"
"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."
Bottom Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant
for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant
and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis
and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal
stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and
reads out loud from the container, "To apply,
push up bottom."
Losing Memory
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the
other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic
you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught
us all the latest psychological techniques-visualization,
association-it has made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.... "Rose,
what was the name of that clinic?"
Stranded On A Boat
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship
that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed
to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of
provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days, they ran out
of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead
from heat, thirst, and starvation, they spotted a small object
floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were
ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired
old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda,
yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a
long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get
only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one."
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out,
"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into
beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy
in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"
Gore/Bush Settle
Gore calls up Bush and says, "Hey, let's settle this A
ustralian Style."
Bush asks, "How's that?"
Gore says, "First you stand there, and I kick you in the
nuts as hard as I can." Then it's your turn. Whoever
quits first is the loser.
Bush says, "OK, stands there," and is completely knocked over by Gore.
After 10 minutes, Bush stands up, and groans, "Alright, my turn."
Gore then replies, "It's all right, you can be president."
Four New Fathers
Four expectant fathers are in a Minneapolis hospital
waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man,
"Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man exclaims. "I work
for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells
the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence," he replies. "I work
for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third
man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints.
When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."
Lawyers vs. The Bear
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase,
pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy!
You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun
you."
Offend Thy Honor
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was
saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the
defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for
ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court.
In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision
in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse,
he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It
worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the
lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find
to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Keeping Myself Pure
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone,
come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second
week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound
rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."
Bad News or Terrible News First
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible
news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and
your secretary."
Top 10 Ways To Handle Stress
1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day", say you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to
preschool as if nothing were wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman
Numerals.
Thanksgiving Weather Forecast
In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early
weather report from our in-house weather reporters.
This is one you should be sure to email to your Mom.
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot
and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a
severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of
a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side, while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots
on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for
the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.
During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off
to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can
be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of
scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming
trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating
pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
ispchannel.com
