A Guide for Checking
Your
Boundaries Within Relationships
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Without good boundaries: |
With good boundaries: |
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| Feel afraid - anticipate crisis - always expect the worst to happen | Feel secure - grounded - able to cope |
| Have difficulty saying "no" | Are able to set limits and say "no" |
| Change your behavior, plans or opinions to pacify partner - withhold your truth | Remain true to self and attempt mutually satisfying compromise that respects the needs of both |
| Make exceptions and excuses for partner's behavior - even when appropriate | Is flexible and accountable and expect others to be flexible and accountable also |
| Are unclear about your choices, preferences and opinions - wonder if you are right often | Feel clear and decisive and act to get what you want and need |
| Make others responsible for your good and bad feelings about yourself | Take responsibility for your own feelings and responses |
| Use guilt, fear, shame, intimidation or interrogation in attempting to change partner | Speak with "I" messages and attempt to hear and understand partner |
| Are more focused on partner's needs, emotions and feelings than you are on your own | Are in touch with your own needs, emotions, feelings and attend to them with self nurturing |
| Are unable to get angry but often feel victimized | Can express healthy anger and refuse to be victimized |
| Feel you must physically separate to get space and feel safe | Can stay engaged and yet feel separate |
| Often discount intuitive hunches | Listen and abide by intuition |
| Will comply with unwanted sexual advances in order to feel loved | Do not compromise your integrity for sex |
| Attempt to get your own needs met by constantly doing for others | Are direct about getting needs met and does not attempt to manipulate others |
| Avoid knowing the truth in attempting to avoid pain | Willing to experience temporary frustration or pain as an accepted part of growth |
