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What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women
Why did god make men before women?
You need a rough draft before they have a final copy
Why is mans' pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he's coming or going
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time too
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, its never happened
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken, and the ones left are handicapped
What is a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his feet while you vacuum
What is the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home
How do men define Roe v. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
3, one to hold the pan, and two other to show off and shake the stove.
What's a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard
How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy and filthy, but wearable
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A six pack of beer and a hot dog
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better
What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
No mind, and no business
Why is it so hard for women to find sensitive, caring, and good-looking men?
Because they already have boyfriends
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything
Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump womens legs at cocktail parties
Why does a stupid man put ice in his condem?
It keeps the swelling down
What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
A mans undivided attention
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They don't stop for directions
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he is coming, how many inches you will get, and how long it will stay
The greatest handicap - FEAR
The best day - TODAY
Easiest thing to do - FIND FAULT
Most useless asset - PRIDE
The greatest mistake - GIVING UP
The greatest stumbling block - EGOTISM
The greatest comfort - WORK WELL DONE
Most disagreeable person - THE COMPLAINER
Worst bankruptcy - LOSS OF ENTHUSIASM
Best teacher - ONE WHO MAKES YOU WANT TO LEARN
Greatest need - COMMON SENSE
Meanest feeling - REGRET AT ANOTHER'S SUCCESS
Best gift - FORGIVENESS
Greatest knowledge - GOD
Greatest thing in the world - LOVE
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME.....
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitter-bug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet slicken, undulate, gelatinize,brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again!
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME...
Show up naked!!!!
The clerk said: "We have three different packages of condoms, a package of seven, a package of nine, and a package of twelve."
Guy: "Whats the difference between them?"
Clerk: "The package of seven is the basic package."
Guy: "How do you figure that?"
Clerk: "Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
Guy: "What about the package of nine?"
Clerk: "That's your Afro-American package - Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, twice on Friday, and twice on Saturday."
Guy: "How about the package of twelve?"
Clerk: "That's the white mans package."
Guy: "Why twelve?"
Clerk: "January, February, March,......."
Out of my Mind, back in five minutes!
Cover me, I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.........Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
Your kid may be an honor student, but you are still an IDIOT!
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all of its students!
Make it idiot proof, and somebody will make a better idiot
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you are unique......just like everyone else!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question!
ATTITUDE
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company....a church...a home. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that peope will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes."
by Charles Swindoll
