Just One More Day
In Memory of Dan
You know, it really sucks being on the other side of suicide. I have always been the suicidal one. I have always been the one to say...oh people will not miss me. They will be better off. I am sure they will forget about me. I could not have been any more wrong. And I am sorry that it took the suicide of someone else to make me see the reality of the left behind.
I went to Dan's funeral. The body in the casket did not resemble the person I remember...the person who was smiling in the pictures on the side of the room. This made it seem more like he really wasn't gone. I would see him next Thursday and it would all be okay. But I gathered from the packed room that it was not okay...that the smiling boy really was in a lot more pain then I ever thought.
I thought before that people would not care if I died. Well plenty of people cared about Dan. For the people who got there for the start of the service - it was standing room only. I did not think it was possible for so many people to care about one person...and there were many more who could not make it to the funeral.
I have one friend who believes that somehow she missed something...that she should have been able to help him. And I think that is normal for the left behind to do. Especially when there are so many unanswered questions. I wish he did make it clear. But maybe he was so far into it already that he didn't want to get out. Or maybe he didn't think he could get out. Maybe at the time he was not even depressed and it was something that happened the next day that triggered him.
Dan's suicide took place the day before the World Trade Center Terrorist Attack. This is a poem I wrote about it all
Just one more day
Just one more night
Things may have been seen
In a different light
Somehow there may have been
Some hope in sight
Just one more hug
Just one more smile
May have convinced you
To keep going for awhile
You may have found the strength
To get through this trial
Just one more kind word
Just one more friend
Could have helped
Your heart to mend
Maybe you wouldn't
Want it all to end
Just one more day
Just one more night
Maybe you would have
Been able to fight
Maybe you would have
Been all right
by: Katey Ratz 9/18/01
These poems were written by my "velcro twin" Jen who was also a friend of Dan's
Collapsing in a pile of tears,
the floor meets my shattered body.
Shaking and screaming on the inside,
PLEASE come back. Please.
When my bloodshot eyes slowly beging to close,
the tears slide down my empty face
and drop to the floor,
splashing on the cold tile.
Wishing I could do it over again,
Catch a hint of the future,
but time continues forward
without me.
*************
Wanting to run
when Dan disappears
up to the clouds
He's gone.
Now he lives in every sunrise and every sunset.
He cries with every rain and watches over us all.
He's NOT gone...
I'm waiting to see him,
to hear his voice,
to hug him and tell him it's all okay
BUT IT'S NOT OKAY.
No.
He's gone.
We'll be missing Dan
praying that he's free now.
his pain is gone.
By: Jen S. 9/17/01
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