FIX THE PRIX, GRAND OR OTHERWISE

They say comedy is all about timing, so perhaps it is fitting that as Melbourne celebrates this Grand Prix weekend, I find myself sitting in a hotel room in Adelaide. Well, either that or I was someone evil in a previous life - like Hitler or Richard Wilkins - and I'm paying for my sins against humanity. Don't get me wrong, I think Adelaide is a great place ... to bury a body. Actually, to be honest, it's not Adelaide I dislike, it's the people. Ever since they won the AFL Grand Final, they've started acting like they're our equals, which is like Pauly Shore comparing himself to Olivier just because they're both actors. Eventually, the only way to put them back in their place is to mock them about the Grand prix, which is a subject very sensitive to their hearts. I can't believe they haven't gotten over it yet but then I remember this is Adelaide, and there are people here who are still upset when Molly died on A Country Practice. To say they are a little behind the times is an understatement. The main street of Adelaide makes Moe look like Paris. It's the only place they aren't worried about the Millennium Bug because in Adelaide it's still 1987. The irony is that I don't even like the Grand Prix that ,much. If I really wanted to listen to a load of really annoying whining and screeching, that was so loud it made my ears bleed, I'd just go to a Celine Dion concert. But while you can take the boy out of Victoria, you can't take Victoria out of the boy. Well, you can, but it's a very messy operation and it's not covered by Medicare. So instead, I've decided to buy a share in a yellow ribbon factory, and embrace the Grand Prix in Melbourne. In fact, I propose we make the event even more Victorian. For starters, we should fix the race's financial woes by placing City Link transponders on all the cars. Also, all the drivers should have to complete the rcae with an L-plate driver in the seat next to them, asking questions like: "So, do you really think it's appropriate to be travelling at 400kmh in a built-up residential area?" Next thing to change should be the uniforms, which make all the drivers look like members of The Pet Shop Boys. They should immediately be replaced by the Victorian bloke's standard uniform of stubbies, blue singlet, thongs and, for safety, a bright orange stack-hat. Then get rid of the highly trained, slick pit crews, and replace them with mechanics from the local garage. That way, when the drivers pull into the pits, the mechanic will stub out a smoke, kick the tyres a couple of times and inform him it will take a couple of days, maybe a week if they need to order in parts. The driver will then have to complete the race in a 1972 Corolla. And finally, there's the celebrity race. Let's face it, most of us watch this event hoping to see the biggest pile-up of celebrities since they announced last drinks at the Logies party. But I think there are far too many celebrities from other States involve. Surely we have plenty of homegrown Victorian celebs who are more than willing to risk their careers by taking part in a high-speed pile-up. How else do you explain the new Seven network show The Big News?