I WAS LISTENING TO THE NEWS ON THE AM RADIO THE OTHER DAY AND THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT A MEN'S COLLEGE DORM SHOWER ROOM THAT HAS HAD A HIDDEN CAMERA IN IT AND WAS BROADCASTING THE IMAGES OVER THE INTERNET. THEY SAID THAT THEY ARE TRYING TO NOTIFY ALL OF THE STUDENTS INVOLVED TO ASK THEM IF THEY'D LIKE TO PRESS CHARGES AGAINST THE DORM OWNER. SO I WAS THINKING... HOW THE HELL ARE THEY GONNA FIND OUT WHO WAS ALL IN THAT SHOWER? I FIGURE THEY PROBABLY HAD TO JUST SIT A COUPLE STUDENTS DOWN, SHOW THEM THE VIDEOS, AND ASK THEM TO IDENTIFY ANY ONE THAT THEY COULD BY SEEING THEM NUDE FROM THE CHEST DOWN. I FIGURE IT SOUNDED A LITTLE LIKE THIS...
HEY THAT LOOKS LIKE TIM
AND THAT ONE IS BOB
WAIT A MINUTE WHO'S THAT?
YEAH, THAT'S A BIG ONE
YO, I THINK THAT'S BRAKUS THE GERMAN EXCHANGE STUDENT
YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT
WHO'S THAT BLACK GUY?
I THINK IT'S RONDELL
WHOA, THAT GUY'S NOT CIRCUMSIZED
YEAH THAT MUST BE ISSAC THE JEWISH GUY
I'M NOT SURE WHO THAT GUY IS?
ME NEITHER
WELL HE'S LATHERING WITH HIS LEFT HAND
SO IT MUST BE JIM CUZ HE WAS LEFT HANDED
HEY LOOK HERE COMES JOHN
WHOA- HE'S GOT HIS PRINCE ALBERT DONE!
OH,THAT HAD TO HURT
HEY WHERE IS EVERYONE GOING
IT MUST BE TACO DAY IN THE CAFERTERIA
WAIT HERE COME SOME ONE
DUDE THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND MISSY!!
HOW'D SHE GET IN THERE?
AND WHO'S THAT SHE'S WITH?
IT'S SOME OLD WRINKLY GUY
OH MY GOD! IT'S COACH NELSON!
NO WONDER THERE WAS NO PRACTICE THAT WEEKEND
DUDE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS DOING THE FOOTBALL COACH!! HA HA
SHUT UP DUDE I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!
THE END
I WENT TO THE MALL YESTERDAY AND I HAD TWO ODD THINGS HAPPEN, FIRST OFF I WENT TO HAT WORLD TO BUY A NEW FITTED HAT. SO LET ME SET IT UP FOR YOU...WHITE GUY BEHIND COUNTER, BLACK GUY TALKING TO ANOTHER AFRO-AMERICAN FRIEND NEXT TO THE COUNTER. SO I TELL THE WHITE GUY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR AND HE TAKES ME TO IT. I FIND MY SIZE AND TAKE IT UP TO THE COUNTER TO PAY. WHITE MAN STARTS CHECKING ME OUT,EVERYTHING IS GOING O.K. TILL COLORED GUY TELLS WHITE GUY TO GO LOOK AT THE "HOT CHICKS" IN FRONT OF STORE. SO NOW HE'S CHECKING ME OUT AND SCOPING CHICKS IN FRONT OF STORE AT SAME TIME. SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE THIS..."THAT'LL BE $16.99 - HEY BABY NICE BOOTY! - WILL THAT BE CASH OR CHECK? - YO BABY BRING SOME OF THAT IN HERE! - WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN THE 20% OFF HAT CLUB? - YEAH, BRING YOUR FRIENDS TOO!" SO HE'S FINNALLY FINISHING UP THE TRANSACTION WHEN SUDDENLY I HAVE TO FART, SO I DO A LITTLE ONE WHEN HE NOT LOOKING. BUT I FORGOT ABOUT HIS FRIEND NOW IN ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE WHO EXCLAIMS "DAWG MAN!, DID YOU JUST RIP ONE" SO OF COURSE HE CAUGHT ME SO I AIN'T GONNA LIE SO I ADMIT TO IT. MAN BEHIND COUNTER (STILL RINGING UP SALE) STARTS TELLING ME TO RESPECT "HIS" STORE. WHILE HIS FRIEND IS STILL USING JUST ABOUT EVERY AND ANY PHRASE WITH THE WORD "DAWG" IN IT. AND BOTH OF THEM ARE STILL WHISTLING AND CALLING TO GIRLS AS THEY WALK BY THE STORE. BOY WAS I GLAD TO GET OUT OF THERE AND THEN GO OVER TO THE OLIVE GARDEN TO EAT. AS I'M HAVING "THE REGULAR"(FETICINI ALFREDO, WITH ALL YOU CAN EAT BREADSTICKS, AND TO DRINK A SLICE,NO ICE HEAVY ON THE GRENADINE) THE WAITRESS IS KINDA CHECKING ME OUT. SO FINALLY AFTER A HALF HOUR OF SEXUAL TENSION SHE BRINGS ME THE BILL. AND I SAY TO HER "AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO GET BUSY, I'M AT THE OLIVE GARDEN AND WHEN YOU'RE HERE YOU'RE FAMILY(IT'S CALLED "HOSPITALIANO")SO I KINDA CONSIDER YOU MY SISTER AND I STRONGLY DISCOURAGE INCEST. BUT I DID GIVE HER QUITE THE TIP.
FLAKY WHITE STUFF?
WHAT'S UP WITH THIS DEODARANT STUFF? WHO CARES IF THERE'S "FLAKY WHITE STUFF" UNDER YOUR PITS! THAT'S WHY SHIRTS HAVE SLEEVES. UNLESS YOU'RE WEARING A SLEEVLESS TOP THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE PLENTY OF ROOM FOR YOUR PITS TO BREATHE. AND THEN THERE'S THOSE GUYS WHO LIKE TO LOOK IN GIRLS SHIRTS THROUGH THAT LITTLE OPEN AREA WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR HAND RAISED. PERVERTS!!I ADMIT I USED TO DO THAT BUT THEN I SOUGHT MEDICAL TREATMENT, THOSE DAYS ARE PAST ME NOW. ANYWAYS BACK TO THAT DEODRANT TOPIC... IT'S KINDA LIKE MAKE-UP, IT'S MEANT TO BE SEEN, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. SAY IT PROUDLY "HEY I WEAR DEODRANT!,LOOK AT MY FLAKY WHITE STUFF!!" IT'S LIKE A STATUS SYMBOL, "SORRY, BUDDY BUT YOU CAN'T JOIN MY KLIQUE BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE WHITE STUFF" WHAT DO YA THINK WOULD BE WORSE COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM IN THE MORNING COVERED IN FLAKY WHITE STUFF OR COVERED IN CREAMY WHITE STUFF? THAT REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER STORY... I WAS OUT GOLFING LAST WEEKEND AND I WAS IN THE PORT-A-JOHN ON THE 7th HOLE, I LOOKED ON THE URINAL ATTACHMENT AND IT HAD A WHITE CREAMY SUBSTANCE ON IT?!?!?! MY FIRST THOUGHT OF COURSE WAS "SOMEONE ADDED A COUPLE EXTRA STROKES TO THEIR SCORE CARD" BUT THEN I LOOKED UP AND SAW THAT THERE WAS A HAND SANATIZER DISPENSER ON THE WALL. BOY WAS I RELEIVED WHEN I SAW THAT. I PUKED ANYWAYS, AS I USUALLY DO IN PORT-A-JOHNS AND POORLY MAINTAINED PUBLIC RESTROOMS, WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST FLUSH??
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY T.V.GUIDE?????
YA KNOW I DON'T BUY THE REAL TV GUIDE I JUST USE THE ONE THAT COMES WITH THE SUNDAY PAPER. IT IS SOOOOO SCREWED UP... I WANNA WATCH SOUTH PARK BUT IN THE GUIDE IT SAYS "S.PARK" HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF IT'S SOUTH PARK? HELL, FOR ALL I COULD KNOW IT COULD BE SALEM PARK OR SEA PARK OR THAT NEW PORN SERIES "SEX PARK". AND ANOTHER EXAMPLE,WHEN I WANNA WATCH ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT TO LOAD UP ON ALL MY HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP. I LOOK IN THE GUIDE AND IT SAYS "E.T." SURE THAT WAS A GOOD MOVIE BUT HOW DO THEY FIT IT IN THE HALF HOUR TIME SLOT AFTER WHEEL OF FORTUNE??? MY PERSONAL FAVORITE EXAMPLE WHEN I WANNA WATCH "WIN BEN STIEN'S MONEY" THE GUIDE SAYS "STIEN". DAMN IT!! FOR ALL I KNOW IT COULD BE A SHOW ABOUT BEER STIENS. AND I DON'T EVEN DRINK BEER SO THAT'S JUST ANOTHER SHOW THAT DOESN'T INTEREST ME! AND THEN IF YOU LIKE THE SHOW "SUDDENLY SUSAN" IN THE TV GUIDE IT SAYS "SUD. SUSAN". AND WHEN I THINK OF SUDS I THINK OF SOAP. AND GOD KNOWS THAT NO ONE WANTS WATCH BROOKE SHEILDS AND HER NOSE AT A LAUNDRY MAT WASHING HER CLOTHES!!! AND WHAT DOES "HOME IMP." EVERY WEEKNIGHT AT 6:30 ON FOX MEAN?? IS IT ABOUT A HOME FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE IMPOTENT, LAST TIME I CHECKED THAT WAS CALLED AN ASSYLUM. IF YOUR LOCAL T.V, GUIDE PISSES YOU OFF, GIMME A HELL YEAH!!!!
AMISH PARADISE
AN AMISH GUY IS BUILDING MY SISTER A NEW DRESSER FOR HER BIRTHDAY. I GUESS I CAN MENTION HIS NAME SINCE HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE THIS. SO ANYWAYS... I DROVE OUT TO SEE HIM TO DROP OFF THE HANDELS AND HINGES ABOUT A WEEK AGO. BUT HE WASN'T IN HIS OFFICE SO WE JUST LEFT THEM IN HIS OFFICE. YESTERDAY I WAS AT McDONALDS AND I SAW YOUNG AMISH FAMILY COME IN. AFTER I WAS DONE EATING I WENT TO THROW OUT MY TRASH AND ONE OF THEM WAS STANDING BY THE TRASH CAN, SO I FIGURED "THEY'RE NORMAL PEOPLE TOO" SO I THOUGHT I'D MAKE SOME SMALL TALK WITH HIM. I SAID TO HIM "DO YOU KNOW ERNIE MILLER?"(I WANTED TO MAKE SURE HE GOT THE HARDWARE I DROPPED OFF) AND THE GUY LOOKED AT ME AND SAID SLOWLY "I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU" SO I REPLYED SLOWLY "I KNOW AN AMISH GUY NAMED ERNIE MILLER, DO YOU KNOW ERNIE? HE'S A WOODWORKER" THE YOUNG MAN LOOKED BACK AT ME HALF SCARED HALF CONFUSSED. "NO,I DON'T KNOW ERNIE MILLER, BUT MY LAST NAME IS MILLER TOO" I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS YOUNG AMISH MAN ALL NIGHT I THOUGHT "POOR GUY, I BETCHA I SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HIM" I MEAN ME WITH MY EARINGS AND GOATTEE, HE MUSTA THOUGHT I WAS SOME KINDA FREAK. OR MAYBE HE WAS JEALOUS CAUSE I HAD MORE FACIAL HAIR THEN HIM(LOL) FIRST OF ALL I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I'M SORRY TO MY LOCAL McDONALDS CAUSE THEY PROBABLY JUST LOST A REPEAT CUSTOMER(NOT ME, THE AMISH DUDE) AND SECOND I WOULD LIKE TO PUBLICLY DECLARE A TRUSE BETWEEN ME AND EVERY MEMBER OF THE LOCAL AMISH COMMUNITY THAT IS NOW AFRAID OF ME. AS FOR ERNIE WHEN I GOT HOME THERE WAS A MESSAGE ON OUR ANSWERING MACHINE FROM HIM.(ISN'T THAT IRONIC) TELLING US WHEN THE DRESSER WILL BE DONE, I WISH I COULD CALL HIM BACK AND ASK IF HE GOT THE STUFF I DROPPED OFF BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. SO THAT'S ALL MY AMISH STORIES FOR ONE DAY. m2