Dain bramaged
Be nice to your kids, they pick your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't
He who laughs last thinks the slowest
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
When there is a will, I want to be in it.
Always proofread so you don't any words out.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Always remember to finish what you've
We are born naked, wet and hungry. And then things get worse.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Don't look back, they may be gaining on you.
Artificial Intelligence beats real stupidity Is it possible to be totally partcial?
If a book about failure dosen't sell is it a success?
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundence.
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Change is inevitable, except from a vendig machine.
When companies make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
He who laughs last thinks the slowest!
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Always remember your you're unique, just like everyone else.
We have a fountian of youth, what about a fountain of SMART?
Department of Redundancy Department
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking.
If one synckronized swimmer drowns, does that mean that the rest have to?
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: that stupid time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a steath bomber crashes in the forest does it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
According to stats. there is a 14,000,000 to 1 chance of winning the lottery and a 1,000,000 10 1 chance of getting hit by a bus. So why don't people bet on whos going to get hit by a bus?
Why do some escalators put a "passenger only" sticker on? Who else is going to use it?
What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?
Why do people look at the door when they are in the elevator?
How do they get the elevator into the elevator shaft?
When you use an elevator in an apartment building, why is it never in your floor?
What would happen if the flash tripped while running?
Why did they call the show mission impossible if they always complete their mission?
How is the show 'Baywatch' so popular, if nobody I know watches it?
How do you know it takes a smart man to know he's stupid?
Why do we read left to right but turn the pages right to left?
On a school quiz that asks for your opinon, how can you get and F?
How do you know that no 2 snowflakes are exactly alike?
During earthquakes, are drunks the only ones that can walk straight?
Why does the wind blow?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Would you ever need an ejector seat in a helicopter?
What is the speed of dark?
Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?
Is a vibration just a motion that cannot make up it's mind which way it wants to go?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
What part of a person's physical appearance is considered "pretty ugly"?
Why do fingers and toes wrinkle in the bath, but not the rest of our body?
Have you ever wondered what you look like with a blindfold on?
Why does everyone, including his little sister, call Charlie Brown by both his first and last name?
How can Smurfs always run around in white socks , but never get grass stains?
If Spiderman became arachnaphobic, would he be scared of himself?
Why is Barney the Dinosaur so happy all the time?
Why don't Psychic hotlines call you right before you call them?
Why is it you never see the headline... "PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY"?
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
Is it possible for a psychic fair to be cancelled due to unforseen circumstances?
Since the black keys on a piano are the hardest to learn, if you painted them white, would it be easier to learn how to play the piano?
Why doesn't cable TV show anything good?
What is the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
How come you can't play games on a $3,000 computer that you could on a $150 Playstation?
Why is the Drive-in movie theater outdoors?
Why do parents hate video games?
Where do they get chicken fingers?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?
Why is there no ham in a hamburger?
Who edits fishing shows? How do they decide what's too boring?
If songs that make the top-40 are based on air time, why don't we see our national anthems on the list?
How did Titanic win Best special effects? Didn't the academy see Starship Troopers?
Isn't it true that no opera plot is sensible? After all, in sensible situations, people do not sing, do they?
Why do we need science fiction when life is already so bizarre?
Why do they call it root beer when there are no roots nor beer in it?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
If Bud Dry is made from water, how can it be dry?
If you fill a cup with dry ice and melt it, what do you then have in the cup? Melted dry?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What causes holes in Swiss cheese?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why does cigarette smoke always drift in the direction of the nonsmoker regardless of the direction of the breeze?
Why do psychics have to ask you your first name?
