___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. Q: Your stuck on an island with Hitler, Saddam Hussain and a lawyer and you have a gun with only 2 bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Q: What do you call 5000 lawyers at the bottom of an ocean?
A: A good start! ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Q: How can you tell when a lawer is lying?
A: His lips are moving. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a
dead lawyer in the middle of the road? A: There are skid marks by the dog. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 5. Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: You don't know how? Good! ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 6. Q: Whats the difference between a bucket of shit and a lawyer?
A: The bucket. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 7. Good News: A bus load of lawyers fell off a cliff and died. Bad News: There where 3 empty seats. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 8. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 9. Q: What do you call a lawyer buried to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 10. Q: What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
A: They both have a 1 in a 1,000,000 chance of being human ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 11. Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
A: Nobody wants to hit the skunk. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 12. Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A: Build a new titanic and say it can not sink. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 13. Q: Whats the difference betwee =n a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech drops off after the man is dead. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 14. Q: Why did the lawyers cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 15. Q: What would happen if you left a cannible in with a room of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 16. Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make car salesmen look good. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 17. Q: how can you tell that there ios afterlife for lawyers?
A: After death, they lie still. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 18. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Ya shoot him before he hits the water. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 19. Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a bus from moving?
A: Never enough. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 20. Have you heard of the lawyers word prossesser?
Ya, no matter what everything comes out in fine print. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 21. Q: Whats the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 22. Q: What do molds, sliim and lawyers have in common?
A: There all scum. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 23. Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 24. Did you hear about the hijacker that took over a 747 full of lawyers? Ya, he thretened to relaes on every 1/2 hour if his demands were not met. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 25 Q: Whats the difference between bufallos and lawyers?
A: Lawyers charge more. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 26. Q: Why does California have so many lawyers and Ne Jersey toxic dumps?
A: New Jersey got to pick first. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 27. Q: Why did the U.S. Postal service recall all of the lawyer stamps?
A: People did not know what side to spit on. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 28. Q: The Tooth Faury, Santa, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street and they both spot a 100$, who gets it?
A: The old drunk cause all of the others are fake creatures. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 29. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?
A: None they only screw us. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 30. Q: Whats the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About 3 lbs. Including the urn. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 31. Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a pig?
A: You can learn to respect a pig. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 32. Q: Whats the difference between a layer and a vampire?
A: The vampire only sucks blood at night. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 33. Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 34. Q: What did the lawyer name has daughter?
A: Sue. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 35. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bike why should you swerve to hit him?
A: If might be you bike. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 36. Q:How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 37. Q: What do you buy a frieng graduating from law school?
A: A lobotomy. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 38. Q: How do you save 5 drowning lawyers?
A: You don't. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 39. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with godfather?
A: AN offer you can't understand. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 40. A little kid and his mom are going to the cemetery to visit their grandmas grave and the kid sees a grave stone that reads" here lies a good man and a lawyer" And the kid asks " Mommy, Why did they burie 2 people in the same grave? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 41. A man goes into this odd small dark to get a birth day gift and he sees this brass rat and he goes to pay for it and the clerk says" Beware this rat carries a terrible curse" That man ignores that and buys it and on his way 2 rats follow him. A couple of seconds later 4 than 8 tan 16 Ect. Before long 1000s of rats a behind him and runs to the river and throughs the brass rat into the river and all of the rats follow. Later he goes back to the store and the clerk says" I warned you!" But the man says " No thats no it. I was wonderin if you had any brass lawyers. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 42. The Pope and a lawyer both die on the same day and they are ant the Pearly Gates and St. Peter takes the Pope to a small motel 6 type room and then he takes the lawyer to a huge 5 storie mansion that is loaded. It has it all! It Even has a window overlooking the pearly gates. Later the lawyer asks" Why did I Get the big palce and the Pope that small room?" St. Peterr responds "well We've had a lot of Popes but you are the first laawyer." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 43. Did you hear that they are now using lawyers instead or rats for experiments. 1. There are more lawyers than rats now. 2. Scientists do not get as attached to lawyers as the rats. And 3. people don't care that lawyers are being used. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 44. Q: Why don't lawyers play hide and seek?
A: Nobody will look for them. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 45. If you see a lawyer and an IRS worker drowning do you have lunch or see a movie? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 46. Q: What do you call a person who saw a lawyer drowning?
A: Lucky! ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 47. A Grave digger, a race car driver, and a lawyer are going to get a new job at the same place. First a man calls in the grave digger and asks him whats 2+2 and after several calculations he got 4. The same happened with the race car driver and when the lawyer came in he was asked what 2+2 was. The lawyer closed the blinds and said" How much do you want it to be?" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 48. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3. 1 to change the bulb, 1 to shake the ladder, and 1 to sue the ladder company. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 49. Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a fish?
One is a sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 50. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 51. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: You honor. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 52. Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: A pitbull doesn't wear lipstick. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 53. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 54. I've nevewr been in love, for I was a lawyer. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 55. Take an instant dislike to lawyers, it saves time. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 56. Q: Whats the difference between an onion and a lawyer?
A: You cry when you cut open an onion. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 57. Q: What is the best type of lawyer?
A: The one in the cemetery. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 58. Q: Whats the thing to do if you see a lawyer to his neck in cement?
A: Get more cement. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 59. A lawyer walks down the street and sees a pile of doggie doo and says " Damnit! I'm melting!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 60. If a vampire bites a lawyer is it cannibleism? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 61. Q: what did the disgruntiled lawyer say?
A: Get off my case! ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 62. Your a high priced lawyer will you give me 500$ to answer 2 questions? "sure whats the next question?" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 63. Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: 2 lawyers fighting over a penny. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 64. Q: Whats the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off you when you die. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 65. Q: What do you call a lawyer that doesn't chase ambulences?
A: Retired. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 66.A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it... ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 67. A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullcrap, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 68. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 69. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 70. A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 71. An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 72. A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant." ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 73. What do you call an automobile accident between 2 lawyers?
A Saab story. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 74. Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To sue the chicken on the other side. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 75. What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they're boring.
