______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. A guy walks into a bar and says ouch! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Q: What do you call a spice girl in a toaster?
A: A pop tart ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Q: 4 Dallas cowboys are in a car who's driving?
A: A cop ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 5. Q: What do you call the dallas coyboys in a huddle?
A: A drug ring. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 6. Q: Whats the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 7. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the bar. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 8. Q: What do you call a basement full of truckers?
A: A whine cellar. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 9. A termite wlaks into a bar and asks Wheres the bar tender? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 10. Q: What did the casket say to the casket?
A: Is that you coffin? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 11. Q:What did the turkey say to the chicken?
A: Gobble gobble. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 12. Q: What did tennessee?
A: The same thing arkansa. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 13. Q: Whats the difference between a dog and a cat?
A: Ones a dog and ones a cat. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 14. Q: Why did the fig go out with the grape?
A: 'cause he couldn't find a date! ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 15. Q:Whats the difference between Outlaws and in-laws?
A:Outlaws are wanted. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 16. Q: How do you get a woman out of a tree?
A: Wave to him. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 17. God created woman and said " I can do better" So he created man. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 18. Q: Why did the bucket cross the road?
A: It was stuck to the chicken. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 19. Q: Whats dumber Hanson or the spice girls?
A: Some questions don't have answers. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 20. Q: What would you rather listen to, A women or hanson?
A: Hanson, "Cause you can turn them off in a few seconds. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 21. TODAY A DIVORCED BARBIE COMES INTO STORES. IT COMES WITH HALF OF KENS STUFF. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 22. Q:Whats the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bag pipe. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 23. A grasshopper walk into a bar and the bar tender says "we have a drink named after you" The grasshopper says" Wow! You have a drink named Jim?" ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 24. A man in in a bar and before he orders a beer he looks in his shirt pocket. He orders a beer and after that drink he looks into his pocket and orders another beer and so forth. On his 7th beer the bar tender says" Iwill not give you another beer until you tell me what is in you pocket." The man says fair enough and says " Well this is a pictue of my wife. when she starts to look good its time to go home." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 25. This man is coming off a terrible divorce with his wife and he finds a magic lamp with a genie. The genie pops out and he says " master I will give you 3 wishes but be careful, whatever you get your wife gets double." So he says O.K. and wishes for a Florida mansion And a butler and a chef. But his Ex wife got a mansion twice as big with 2 butlers and chefs. Next he asks for 1 billion dollars. Then his ex gets 2 billion. Blast! The man says " you Have 1 more wish...make sure it is a good one" Says the genie. The man thinks and says "genie Beat me half to death!" ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 26. A man walks into a tavern and sees an elephant sitting at the bar with a large bowl of cash placed in front of him. He walks up to the bar and the bartender explains " The first person who can make the elephant laugh will win the $10,000 in the jar. "
The man casually walks up to the elephant and whispers something into his ear. All of the sudden, the elephant starts laughing hysterically with his ears flapping and his trunk bouncing up and down on the bar knocking over drink glasses. "I don't know what you whispered, " said the bartender, :but here is your $10,000."
A few weeks later, the same man entered the tavern and again saw the elephant at the bar, only this time with a bowl of $20,000 in front of him. The bartender came up to him and said, "Last time you were able to make him laugh, but I doubt you can win this prize by making him cry." The man then walked over to the elephant and stood directly in front of him so they were barely a few inches apart. The elephant immediately started bawling, crying uncontrollably with his giant tears filling nearby beer mugs.
The bartender gave the man his $20,000 prize but asked him. "What on earth did you say to make the elephant first laugh and then cry?"
"The first time", said the man, " I told him that mine was bigger than his"
"The second time, " he continued, "I showed him" ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 27. A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "He sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?"
"Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?"
"About this celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin'it?"
"Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand!"
"Well would ya ever consider, you know doin'it?"
The nun thinks a while
"Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it."
"Well, what would dose conditions happen to be?"
"He'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and, well certainly he could have no children."
"Sista, today is your lucky day. I'm all three. Why do youse come on up here... I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
The nun looks around... They are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her...at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling form ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. She inquires,
"Why, my son, what is so humerous?"
The cabbie sneers,
"Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestand, I'm married, and I got four kids."
And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well, my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 28. One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.
The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.
"Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..." The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story.
"Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here."
"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..." The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.
"Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 29. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 30. A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!" ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
