Cruelty

PHYSICAL THERAPY

I WALKED IN SAT DOWN
YOU CALLED ME BACK
I KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT
I COULD ONLY PREPARE MYSELF
YOU'D SEEN IT BEFORE IN ME
THE PAIN AND ALL
AS I WALK BACK AND FOURTH
I OFTEN WONDER WHAT YOU SEE
I TRY NOW TO LIMP OR TURN IN
I KNOW YOU NOTICE THOUGH
THE WATER IS TOO HOT
THE ICE IS FROZEN TOGETHER
THE ELECTRICITY IS WAY TO HIGH
THE WHIRL POOL IS TO FAST
WHY IS IT THAT WHAT I HATE
WILL WORK THE BEST?

By Meribeth

There are only a few times in life
when someone you meet touches you so
That it makes your heart happy just to see them
When you are in their company
You forget your worries for a short while
and it is then that you are truly living
You are then free to explore the inner beauty
of that special someone
And in doing so you somehow learn a
little more about yourself
And you realize too, that you possess a soul
a mind , and that you too can enjoy the simple things
Without this person you may have gone on with your life
never knowing the potential you had,
The smile that you now show the world
Reflects that this person has shown you, done for you,
and will forever leave a mark on you as an individual
You will carry on the thoughts you shared, the conversations
you had, and the love you possessed for one another always
You will begin to live this legacy of love
It will affect your decisions in the future
And the way that you choose to look at the world:
Not through the eyes of a pessimist,
But through the eyes of someone who is thankful for everything
that we are given day in and day out
Little things that you know you wouldn't have been able to
Detect if this person had no influence on you.
And this is the true meaning of friendship
We are thankful, and in return give back more
and love more, and laugh and cry more,
Everything is greater now and can be expressed
better so that in the end...we realize that we have
been touched more than we ever could have imagined.

Why does this have to happen to me? I'm only 15. Why not someone who's had a chance already? Why must pain ruin my childhood? Why can't I be normal, like the other kids? Why can't I take something to take the edge off this pain? Why do I feel like I'm in a horror movie? Why do I always have to be so tired? Why can't my friends understand? Why won't anyone just try to comfort me? Why do people bump into me in the halls? Why does everyone insist that they didn't hurt me when they did? Why can't my body let me do what I want for a change? Why do I have to keep going? Why can't I breathe without it burning? Why can't I stay warm? Why doesn't anybody care?

Throughout the almost four years I have spent living with this pain, a disease that preferred to remain anonymous until now, I have encountered doubt. Let me say it now, doubt hurts. Disbelief is a damaging thing, and in my short life I have had my fill of it. I will grow up, emotionally and physically scarred from my childhood. Why? Because when belief counted the most, I was not believed. I was prejudged, through no fault of my own. In my logical mind I know that it isn't my fault, but for some reason I feel like I did something to myself to end up in this state.

Haven't I always taken my meds on time? Haven't I layed still for the needles, the x-rays, the endless bone scans, and the vibrating MRI? I was a good girl, wasn't I? Why, now that everyone arounds me believes that I need treatment, do I still feel like this?

I've tried to be strong, G-d. I've tried to help the others, when they needed help. I've been a good friend, but my friends couldn't handle the pain and depression. When is this going to stop, G-d? I want to be a normal kid. I have dreams and plans for when I grow up. I'll live through this, I'll grow up, but can I ever forget the past? Even if the RSD goes away forever, someday, somehow, will it still have this grip on me? I can't forget, I can't. I'm so angry, so scared. My mom only makes me feel worse, my dad won't listen. I need a friend, I deserve a friend, I deserve a life, a life separate from RSD. Will I ever acheive that life that I dream of? How can I grow up, to become a cantor, dedicating my life to helping others understand our history with you, G-d, when pain, and disease, and fear have stolen my childhood? Can't I be myself, Betsy Herman, a happy, active, normal teenager, with some special goals, a quick sense of humor, and musical talent?

I've been given this burden that has been given a name. It's not anonymous anymore. We can fight it, attack it with all our strength, but it might not die. What if it fights back? It's already claimed my right hand, my left leg, and my childhood. It hasn't yet gotten my sense of humor, but it's gotten my constant attention.

Every day, I wake up with it, and my brain thinks of the same three letters, "RSD." The grown ups don't understand. They think about it, yes, but they escape. They wake up, and the first thing they think isn't "RSD." They think that if the pain goes away, everything will be ok. They don't know what it's going to be like for me. I don't even know, I can't.

They don't understand what damage the doubt has done me, and how destructive the process is to overcome that same doubt. In the process I have begun to doubt myself. The people who could have helped me only hurt me, and I can never trust them again.

As I have tremors and am different. Suffering with unbearable pain. I try to do the ' normal' things. I try to exscape the cruel world for a second only that is really hard. Feeling so different. Yet I don't crave pity. I only want someone to take me seriously. Believe me. My world has been fliped upside down. I now look at life with a whole new meaning. One that may sound corny, but its true. Cherish every second you have because you never know when that second might be your last... maybe not in death, but in pain. You might be judged harshly with looks and words, but know that they need to grow up. For they do not truly understand how foolish they are. Remember that there time will come when they must face the harsh world rather they like it or not. I don't complain because it gets me absolutely nowhere... in fact I can't truly say how I feel.... be careful of doctors and parents. When you find out you have RSD you will truly know who your friends are. I know this may not make any sense to you now, but in time you will understand. I am only a teenager and I know that this is a harsh, cruel , unforgiving world..., but we can make a difference.

I, just like you, used to live in the light. Now my body fights me everyday. It lives in the darkness alone. For no one that I know of wants to be friends with or go out with someone with a disease. They think that it is a virus and you are something evil and deadly. Well I am mostly like you. I like the same things you do. I do or try to live a normal life. It may not be as carefree as yours, but it is the best I can do. Only instead of planning around fun things, I get the joy of planning around doctor's appointments and etc. I am just like you. Only I have been forced to live in the darkness of the shadows. Where no one can see you. No one will talk to you. No light. That is the darkness that I live in. Lying here lying there. For the darkness gives me no other choice.

It's not fair. A child's life is ruined by one ruling. A little kid given a life sentence based on a biased opinion. A little girl confined to a wheelchair because of sheer cruelty.

I was tortured and maimed. I was insulted and deformed. Now it's another little girl, and another. One after the other, worse each time. Heartless, inhuman sadists insuring that we will never walk again. Limbs twisted out of shape by the same knife that they twist in our hearts.

Fire consumes our bodies. The flames spread as the seconds tick by. Nobody cares, nobody stops to help. They stand by and watch a child engulfed by the blaze. Why don't they care?

We are damned to a living hell by those who claim to love us. We scream for help, but our cries for help fall on deaf ears. Where to we go? To whom do we turn? Forbidden to find comfort, there's not a thing we can do.

Pain ravages our bodies, day after day. Our hearts on fire, as well as our limbs. Tears of pain, of hopelessness, of fear. Nobody notices. We are powerless by law, helpless by circumstance.

* Fire and Ice *

Burning so hot,
With added gasoline,
A bomb waiting to explode,
Then the cold deep,
Feeling it within my bones,
Wondering if they're going to,
Snap from the coldness or burn up,
From the heat.

By Liz J.

*~ Pain *~

Day in, day out,
The pain doesn't change,
Some days are better,
Some days I'd rather be dead,
People thinking your imagining,
The pain, but I'm not,
It deforms your body,
I know it slowly is to be mine,
You are the one that,
Is imagining,
Thinking it will all go away,
W-R-O-N-G it doesn't,
Leave you for a second,
Night and day,
Day and night.

By Liz J.

~Why Me~

* Drowning in hoplessness*

I beg of you to believe me. This is not something I do for attetion or that I am making up. The whole world thinks I have a mental problem which is Conversion Disorder. I know I don't, because I show my emotions. I write them down. I feel that I can't tell anyone how I feel (honestly) because they don't understand, and want to send me to a psyschologist. I have nothing against them or anyone that has a mental disorder, but how can someone fit ALL the symptoms, and none of the other? I'm barely staying afloat, but my body and soul are to tired to fight them. I am only 13 and a half and I can't keep this up anymore. Suicide has crossed my mind... in fact, I tried to slit my right wrist last night. I couldn't get it to work. No one will give me anything for the pain. Why am I all alone? Do I have to die before anyone seems to care? I am struggling to have my head afloat in the drowning waters of everyone, but I'm too weak. It's so hard. I want to give up. End this battle right here and now, but how?