Apologies to
Q: If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich?
Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey? A: The Blessed Bee!
Q: What do you say to an angry witch? A: Ribbit
Q: What's the difference between a New Ager and a Pagan? A: A decimal point. An item you'll pay $300 to a New Ager for, you can get from a local Pagan for $30.
Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch? A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under the weight of all their overpriced crystals....
Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry? A: He goes Qua-ballistic.
Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso? A: She wanted to draw down the moon.
Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control? A: She wanted to channel.
Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle? A: There's tipex on the floor.
Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.
Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.
When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"
Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.
Never, *ever* set the Witch on fire.
Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.
A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.
Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.
Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.
Carry an all-purpose translator's dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.
Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.
If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbor's name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.
Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.
While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.
If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand! While it is true that volunteering will most likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group, thereby allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.
Pagan, Witch and Witchcraft Lightbulb Jokes
Pagan...
Q: How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!
Q: How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb? A: (any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards...
Q:How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb? A: You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.
Q: How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb? A: Not sure.....we'll call Z. Budapest and get back to you!
Q:How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb? A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.
Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.
Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb? A: 21, unless you're Irish.
Q: How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.
Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
Q: How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thirteen. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
Q: How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's a third degree secret.
Q: How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb? A: A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.
Q: How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
Q: How many years does it take an Alexandrian Witch to change a light bulb? A: That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.
Q: How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light bulbs..."
Q: How many years does it take a Starhawk Witch to change a light bulb? A: Well, it depends how hard you study, but you can do it now if you are solitary.
Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
Q: How many years does it take for a solitary Witch to change a light bulb? A: How long does it take to get one out of the closet?
Q: How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb? A: Its already been changed.
Q: How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb? A: Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will take.
Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."
Q: How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb? A: "How many of them are there?"
Q: How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four. One for each quarter.
Q: How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a leigh? A: Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
Q: How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb? A: I can't tell you--they never change a light bulb the same way twice!
Q: How many Proteans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: How many will fit?
Q: How many Buckland Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."
Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.
Q: How many Thelemites does it take.... A: None, Every One of them is a Star.
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: What do you want it changed into?
Q: How many Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they do it in great rites.
Q: How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.
Q: How many NRDers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 14. One to do it, one to write poetry about it, and 12 to hold a Council and decide whether or not the poem's authentic.
Magickal... Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw on the altar!
Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only two, but they have to be very small!
Q: How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb? A: 2 as long as the lamp is by the bed...
Q: How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
Q: How many Kabbalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: 261.
