"I forgot to cut you! Shit!"-Amanda
"I am deathly ill...and it's contagious."-Andy
"How did I get a link to a law firm on here?"-Amanda
"Shut up, Britney!"-Mary Kay, talking to the Pepsi ad on TV.
"If you and I were married, Q, we'd have sundae children."-Erica
"If I have to massage your bloated, pregnant ass, I get to name the child."-Quinten (hereafter called Q)
"That's nuts!"-Mary Kay, on Packers' punter Josh Bidwell and his battle w/testicular cancer
"Why can't you just be ugly?"-Amanda
"He is so porkable!"-Tilley
"I didn't wanna be a dork and yell across the parking lot!"-De
"I don't have to wear a coat anymore outside!"-Mary Kay
"Yeah, I just zonked."-Amanda
"I'd like you all to know that it's raining because my leg hurts."-Kara
"I'm a flying pig! Hee hee hee!"-Amish Tom
"The tornadoes are coming!"-Amanda
"How come I don't get a hug?"-Tilley
"Because you're evil."-Q
"Snort Tilley, snort!"-Amanda
"Yeeah, whuhthup!"-John, doing his extremely bad "Ladies Man" impression
"For real!"-Mary Kay
"I didn't know tuna was a type of fish!"-Gen
"No shit, Sherlock!"-Amanda
"So when do I get my birthday present?"-Dominic
"I LIKE SAUSAGES!"-Amish Tom
"You mafia, you!"-Alexis
"I will not eat ice cream, I will not eat ice cream..."-Amanda
"Who wants ice cream?"-Katie O
"I'll have some."-Amanda
"I want to be the all-purpose girl in your next movie."-Mary Kay
"Keep in mind that I am a dirt poor college student."-Amanda
"Now when I become emperor..."-Amish Tom
"Phil, even you can eat a Laffy Taffy from a girl's neck."-Q
"I have a fetish for all things British."-Amanda and Mary Kay
"Ten minutes ago, I was covered in Mississippi mud."-Tilley
"I swear to God, I am not in the mafia."-everyone
"Well aren't you just a master of the obvious!"-Amanda
"Make the bad words stop!"-James, on calculus
"In this problem, we'll use fairly simple algebra..."-Molly, doing her impression of our former Russian calc prof.
"I got cookie on me."-Tyler
"Bread Monkey!"-Super Jules
"I'm gonna need lip implants by the time I'm 40."-Amanda
"I think your cushion is defective."-Alexis
"That's what I look for in every woman."-Q, on belching.
"Cigars are gross."-Tilley
"Because of Clinton."-RA Katie
"I hate cigars."-Tilley
"I hate Clinton."-RA Katie
"Seeing Alec Baldwin with fruit on his head is a very scary sight!"-Amanda
"Merlin is dead."-Shannon, while playing the mafia judge
"No, I saved him!"-Shay, while playing the mafia doctor
"She's in crew...she's huge!"-Hockey Katie, on Tilley
"Belching...that's my only talent."-Shannon
"Do you wanna go to Egypt?"-Jordana
"Katie, trust me, the lightning will not bite you."-Amanda
"Take your shoe off and throw it at him!"-Alexis
"Don't base it because my pants are loud!"-Shannon
"You ho! You took my seat!"-Alexis
"It's like seminar reunited!"-Tomery
"I am a Grace girl...hear me roar!"-Amanda
"Merlin brought a lot of cows down here."-Super Jules
"Does anyone want to go to the grocery store to get me some croissants and Nutella?"-Tyler
"You can't just take the pool cues outta here!"-Andy
"Yes I can! They've got my name on them!"-Kendra
"Will somebody come out in the rain with me?"-Shannon
"The lake disappeared!"-Amanda, on an evaporated puddle
"I'm never gonna get any sleep next year!"-Linz, on living with Colleen
"(Cretin guys' name), you are a sexy bitch!"-all the Cretin guys
"You're not the real Amanda...you're just the fake one."-Q
"Q, can I have a frog?"-Mary Kay
"Q, can I have a fish?"-Amanda
"I've written a speech on how I'm a regular guy, which means I'm a politician."-Q, on running for President of C/G.
"Do you like money?"-Tyler
"When I buy stuff, yes."-Jordana
"JODI HAS FOOD!!"-Amanda
"I'm getting the shaft all over the place."-Tomery
"I have a big ass...what do you want?"-Super Jules
10. I'm standing at the registers and a woman asks me, "Excuse me, do you work in the misses department?" (Um, I'd be working in there if I was standing in there, but I'M NOT!)
9. "Is this store connected to the mall?" (No, it's just floating out there in space.)
8. A customer is standing right behind the gift registry and asks, "Where is the gift registry?" (You better turn around fast before I make it disappear!)
7. "I've been wearing these jeans for two years and they're starting to wear out. I still have the receipt. Can I exchange them?" (EEW! Besides, who keeps their receipts for two years? Give me a break!)
6. A woman says to me, "Can I use the dressing rooms in the men's department?" (Okay, would you want men to use your bathroom? Figure it out!)
5. "I bought this at Shopko. Can I return it here?" (Man...that's just extreme stupidity.)
4. "How much is this?" (Translation: I can't read the price tag because I didn't learn how to read numbers in kindergarten.)
3. A woman standing in front of the misses department asks me, "Where is the misses department?" (Don't these people know they should turn around before they ask questions?)
2. I'm by the fitting rooms when a woman asks me, "Can I take these clothes in there?" (No, you have to try on your clothes out here while everyone watches you. Geez.)
What store is this? (Okay, that's just too much...go home and hit yourself for being so dumb!!)
Thanks to Jesse Hermes for sending this insatiable list to me (and the whole lit choir). If you don't understand them, that's ok, but try to laugh and pretend like you get it! (And if you see anything that is misspelled, don't blame me...it was most likely Jesse's fault!)
...and you thought he didn’t make sense IN context
· Women are on top of us
· I’ll go to the convent as a play’a
· Can I hear just the Hos?
· Can I hear just the Gs?
(I guess even when you’re a choir director Pimpin ain't easy.)
· The “Boom” chicks
· It sounded over-balanced (is this even possible???)
· Too much muscle, not enough head.
· Coca-coda
· Develop his voice from the depths of dung
· We are singing this as equal bird poops
· If you need to, please leave and take care of those orifical needs
· I want that note to be so high… I just want you to sit on this pencil
· She is going to get our tongues out and free
· (I knew Bonnie Faber was a talented vocalist… but geesh)
· …Go-Nads aren’t connected. (I have no idea what he was talking about there….)
· Jimmy your going to have to give us a hand job
· Fall in love with your mouth
· Jimmy I hope you are well showered and lubed this morning. (Jimmy D is a busy guy I guess)
· Chortle Kiss, an Hug
· The Men-Women (???????)
· Make baby-poop sounds
· I’m just a measly little wiener-bun (no comment)
· Spread their cheeks
· The tone was flaccid
· Don’t be euphemistic about being like a horse
· Smile and Blow
· Maybe God will send me a little paradise tonight
· Excuse me Mr. Bumble-bee pants (to JC)
· Squeal like a greased pig. (This one wouldn’t be in here, but for some reason he had to add the greased qualifier…. So I think it is worthy)
· Something about eating fish tacos… (I'll let you make your own jokes about this one)
· Tyler you don’t need strong (glah-dels ßs/p?), you need a strong sphincter
· It’s pronounced dek (long e). I don’t want any dicks
· Run to your dek
· Don’t raise the dek, or hit it, put pressure on it.
· Get Mary flying. (…so that’s how its done)
· You’ve got to be ready to stop a train
· This isn’t just passing gas, this is constipation forever
· Throws his shoe at Lessa and Rachel
· Tears his shirt off, in an attempt to get our attention
· Flashes the tenors, to ensure they knew where to come in.
· When asked if Rob “wanted a piece” of a fellow teacher, he smacks him on the ass and says “this is the part I want” (Claims he was talking about his wallet, and that I had a dirty mind.)
· What good is power if you don’t abuse it. -Ed
· That’s just Cleavage for the sake of cleavage
(Talking about the Frescos in MPLS) -Ed
· That Mother-F***er kicks a punch -Jordan
(I guess the salsa also goes straight to your brain)
· I don’t care what you do, as long as it doesn’t make me look bad -Jesse
· Lend Me Jesus -Gather Book #293
· Warm up with a little Teach me the Songs of Your What Have You” -Ed
· Shove a pterodactyl up your ass. –Jamie to Jimmy D
· Life is one long Lent - Priests at St Maria Gorette Church
From the May 2nd 2000 issue of the Pioneer Press; when asked to give Jesse Ventura vocal technique advice in an interview:
“My advice to the governor is to relax his jaw, and tighten his butt.”
