Conan: After years of subpoenas and testimony, Kenneth Starr finally releases his report to Congress. His conclusion? Clinton gots ta have da booty.

Andy: Hypochondriacs over the world will stop believing that they're sick all the time when they all die of disease.

Conan: A new improved shower massager from Waterpik is taken off the market after one unit in Michigan is caught trying to "slip it in".

Andy: Researchers prove that life does in fact imitate art. Unfortunately, the art it imitates is the movie Tango & Cash.

Conan: Authorities discover a fool proof means of identifying the clinically insane: tracking order forms for the new George and Barbara Bush sex video.

Andy: The old adage that "guns don't kill people, people kill people" is forever deemed invalid when a woman gives birth to a gun and it grows up and shoots her.

Conan: Leonardo Dicaprio will once again have to face rumors that he's gay when he stars in the movie: "My name is Leonardo Dicaprio and I am gay".

Andy: The Catholic church will decide that it needs a leader one step above the Pope. His title will be Captain Popetastic.

Conan: Rock music will all be done by computers, and as a result, computers will get a lot more oral sex.

Andy: Incredibly, a priest, a rabbi, and a buddist monk will find actually themselves on a crashing plane that has only one parachute. Ironically, that parachute will have been packed by a polish guy and will contain only camping equipment.

Conan: Microsoft will go out of business and Bill Gates will be bankrupt after the disastrous release of their latest product "Windows Kevin Costner".