Author: Shealynn88
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Takes place just after "Chosen"
Disclaimer: Buffy belongs first and foremost to Joss Whedon

I wish upon tonight to see you smile,
If only for a while
To know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

-Linda Thompson, sung by Josh Groban

The shelters were packed from Sunnydale to L.A. and back again, but somehow one in Harbush managed to find room for them. It wasn't the Hilton, but it was a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and it was close enough to the hospital that they could walk when visiting hours started.

The first night there, Buffy slept like the dead. The hard floor under the sleeping bag, Molly's snoring, and Dawn's tossing and turning…nothing mattered. Finally, they were safe, and she could sleep.

She woke early and watched the sunlight creep through the window toward her outstretched hand, up her arm and slowly over her body. She couldn't help but think of Spike, channeling sunlight until it killed him…saving the world, and refusing her love.

"You aren't gonna go all maudlin on me, are you, Pet?" Spike asked.

Buffy jumped up with a shriek, got tangled in the sleeping bag and fell back to the floor in an undignified heap. She gasped on the floor, watching Spike standing in the window, sunlight streaming through him like he wasn't there. Which he obviously wasn't, because he'd died. She'd seen it. Well, not quite, but the entire town of Sunnydale falling in would probably kill a vampire, even if he hadn't been on fire at the time.

A touch on the arm made Buffy jump, until she saw that it was Dawn, looking at her blearily, obviously confused. "Buffy, are you okay? I thought I heard you yell."

Buffy glanced behind her, where Spike had been standing, but he was gone. "Ah-"

"That was you?" Molly asked. "God, I thought it was dream."

Willow crawled out of the sleeping bag she was sharing with Kennedy and sat next to Buffy. "Was it a nightmare?" she asked.

Buffy nodded, swallowing hard. "Something like that."

The door to the room opened, forestalling a cross examination. Faith stuck her head in, thrusting out her chin in greeting. "Hey, girls. B." She walked in, stepping over the sleeping bag she had recently vacated. "Giles and Andrew and me, we were thinkin' of headin' to the hospital, you know? See how everybody's makin' out. You guys wanna come along?"

All the girls agreed, but Buffy was feeling a little unsettled after seeing Spike, and begged off. "Maybe I'll catch up with you later," she offered as the girls filed past her into the main room.

"Whatever," Faith shrugged. "Girls should be out soon, anyway. All that slayer power gotta be good for something, huh?"

"What about Robin?" Buffy asked softly.

Faith froze for a moment, then shrugged carelessly. "How should I know?" She gave Buffy a wicked grin. "I'll be sure to let him know you asked about him, though."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, give him a 'get well' kiss for me, too," she said wryly.

Faith rolled her eyes. "Check ya later, B."

Buffy nodded. "Later."

Faith took a few steps and turned back. "B?"

"Yeah?"

"Take it easy on yourself, 'kay? No good to hurt alone." Faith shrugged and her usual wry smile was back in place. "Plus, you know, you leave me with those girls too long, I might turn 'em into juvenile delinquents."

Buffy laughed. "I'll keep that in mind." She followed slowly behind Faith as she left. Most of them were outside already, but Dawn lingered behind.

"You're not going?" She asked softly.

Buffy shook her head. "Not right now. It's okay, I'll join you in a little bit."

"I can stay, if you want," Dawn offered hopefully.

"No, go ahead. I know you've got a lot of friends there. I just…I need some time, is all. Don't worry," she said, touching Dawn's arm. "I'll see you a little later."

"Okay," Dawn agreed reluctantly. She looked back once, and Buffy smiled at her encouragingly.

After they had all gone, Buffy headed back into the room, not quite willing to talk to anyone yet…even if it was only one of the shelter workers handing out breakfast.

She sat on her sleeping bag and stared out the window at the empty desert. On the other side of the shelter, there was the highway, the requisite Sunoco station, and lots of beat up cars trying to kill the ozone layer. But out this window, it was only sunlight and desert…stunted trees, some boulders, a cactus or two…silent, much like she was.

"What are you doing here, all alone?" Spike asked. "Shouldn't you be checking on the troops?"

Buffy looked over her shoulder at him. "I have nothing to say to you. I know what you are, and you have no power here. Not anymore."

He laughed for a long moment and then sat next to her, still chuckling. "You wound me, Slayer! Can't tell me from that useless poser? Doubt it has much use for my form right at the moment in any case. Too busy worrying about it's little army going up in so much smoke."

Buffy swallowed as his expression softened into a genuine smile. "It's…it's really you?" She reached out to touch him, but her hand passed through his.

He shrugged. "It is. Just…some times more than others."

"Why…why are you here?" she asked softly.

He shrugged again. "Cuz it's what you wanted. And hey…anything for the Slayer." He laughed. "Well, this one, anyway."

She smiled again, wishing she could feel his arms around her one more time. There was so much that hadn't been said, so much that she'd kept inside.

"I'd love to talk with you all day, Pet, but I think there's someone else that needs you more than me." He nodded at the window, and Buffy followed his gaze. Xander was walking slowly beyond the window, dejected. He finally sat down on a boulder, staring out at the desert.

Buffy nodded, still watching him. "I guess so." She turned, taking a breath to thank Spike, but he was gone.

"Oh," she said to the empty room. "Well, thanks."

She walked out slowly, feeling the pressure of the sun as soon as she was out of the shade. Had this been what it was like for Spike? A pressure that just kept building? She shook her head, keeping her eyes on Xander. She'd come out to see him, not to think of what she'd lost.

"Howdy, stranger," she said softly, coming up behind him.

Xander jumped. "Jeez! Buffy! Don't sneak up on a guy like that!"

She laughed softly. "Sorry. I didn't realize that tree was so captivating that you'd miss me walking up. I'll, ah…I'll walk louder next time."

He nodded. "You do that," he said decisively. "Sorry if the apocalypse had made me a little jumpy. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, huh?"

She sat down across from him on one of the many rocks that littered the area. "It'll be pretty weird if we don't have to save the world anymore, huh?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe I could get used to it. You know, keep my arms and legs, date someone who's not a demon. It might be worth a try." The joke fell flat as he realized what he'd said. He swallowed hard and looked at the ground.

"You miss her, huh?" Buffy said softly.

He laughed. "Does it show?" He shook his head, swallowing again. "I know we weren't together anymore, but it still…it was like…she was still a part of me." He looked up at Buffy, needing her to understand. "When she-" his voice broke and he took a deep breath before continuing. "When she died, it was like…like I got a piece of me hacked off, or gouged out, or…" He smiled cockily and shrugged. "Oh, wait. I did." He touched his eye patch, and his smile fell. "Ya know, there should be a rule or something. One body part per Great Evil. I mean, don't you think they could have left my heart for the next apocalyptic battle?" He raised his eyebrows and smiled, trying to lighten the mood, but Buffy could see the tears brimming in his eye.

She knelt in front of him and took his hand. "God, Xander. I'm so sorry. I know…she was really special. And she loved you. Don't ever forget that."

He shook his head, and his voice cracked again when he finally spoke. "Hey, look. It's a milestone! My first one-eyed cry."

They laughed for a moment as tears of grief slid down their cheeks.

Xander finally broke the silence. "It's amazing how much you can miss someone who drove you so crazy."

Buffy nodded, staring into the distance of the desert. "Yeah. All the posturing, the snide remarks…it becomes kind of endearing, doesn't it? When you know…you know you'll never hear it again…"

"I'll never look at bunnies the same way again," Xander said.

Buffy laughed through her tears. "She left quite a legacy."

"You know, I…" He trailed off. "Never mind."

Buffy squeezed his hand. "Talk to me, Xander."

He laughed. "You'll think I'm crazy."

She smiled. "Nothing new there, so, 'fess up." She cocked her head at him. "What were you going to say?"

He laughed again. "I see her sometimes. In flashes, you know…like a trick of light…but sometimes…"

"What?" Buffy prompted.

"Sometimes she even talks to me."

A movement over Xander's shoulder caught Buffy attention, and she looked up to find Spike looming over him, a wicked smile on Spike's lips. Seeing he'd caught her attention, he mimed an attack on Xander, raising his arms in a classic Bela Lugosi pose.

Buffy's smile widened at his antics and she stifled both her tears and her laughter.

Xander looked up at her, seeing her smile. "I told you you'd think I was all…Russell Crowe." He frowned. "Only, not so much with the charm. Or the wife. Or the job."

She shook her head and grinned. "Ah, but most importantly, no Paul Bettany…" She cocked her head in thought, musing, "Hmm…Paul Bettany…" Then, softly, "I don't think you're crazy." She rolled her eyes and chuckled. "At least, no more than the rest of us."

Xander squeezed her hand. "Guess we all have our demons, huh?"

She shrugged. "Demons, ex-demons…we all have something to carry with us."

"Do you?" Xander's face was suddenly serious. "Carry him with you?"

Buffy looked down, suddenly finding the sand fascinating. She knew exactly what he meant. Spike. "Yeah, I guess. Or…he tags along."

"Do you think he'll stay?" It was hard to read Xander's face as vulnerability warred with discomfort. "I mean…until you don't need him anymore?"

Buffy shrugged, unsure and a little embarrassed. "I don't know…he says...." She realized suddenly that it wasn't really about Spike anymore. "Oh." She met his eyes squarely. "Yes," she said with conviction. Softly, she added, "Xander, she'll be here until you let her go. I think…that's what it's all about." She sat up and brushed her hair out of her face. "In the immortal words of Billy Crystal, 'Grieving is a process.'" She was suddenly soft again. "It takes time. For all of us. You'll always miss her, but it'll be…less." She was suddenly thinking of Spike again. "Someday, there might be minutes, even, where you don't think about the hurt. Or the guilt. Or how much you owed him for all those times…" She trailed off, realizing what she was saying. When she looked at Xander, she saw something she had never expected. Not in anything Spike-related, anyhow. Understanding. Sympathy.

He nodded his head at his shoulder. "Come here," he said softly, tugging on her hand. She let herself fall against him, wrapping her arms around him, feeling her face tighten as the dam in her throat finally gave. As the sobs came, Buffy could feel Xander's chest heaving next to her's, and they cried together in their extraordinary, nameless loss.

A hand brushed her hair, and she looked up, over Xander's shoulder. Spike was there, his customary sarcasm gone. "It'll get better with time, love. Promise."

Buffy closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the feel of his hand in her hair, and the tight grasp of friendship that helped anchor her in her grief.

* * *

Buffy accepted the chilled plate of macaroni and cheese with a grateful smile and headed back to her circle of friends.

"Hey," Buffy exclaimed as she reached the circle. "Mac and cheese, the dinner of champions!" She sat down between Xander and Dawn and looked at the potent…no, the slayers…that were well enough to be at the shelter with them. "Are Giles and Faith still at the hospital?" she asked.

Kennedy nodded from her seat next to Willow. "Faith wanted to stay with Robin for a while, and Giles is the only one that can say much of anything to Chao-Ann, so he was pretty much stuck there to reassure her. So, just us, for now."

Buffy nodded. She finished her mac and cheese in silence, watching Kennedy rub Willow's arm absently, feeling the camaraderie of the slayers she had helped train…and still feeling like an outsider. The strange thing was…she didn't need to be an outsider anymore. She wondered…would that every sink in? Would she ever allow herself to be truly a part of things now? Or was that distance so ingrained that she'd never be…done? Never ready to settle down?

"I'm gonna go take a walk, okay?" The others nodded, and she started to get up off the shelter floor when Dawn put a hand on her knee.

"Buffy," she said softly, trailing off.

"What is it?" Buffy asked encouragingly.

Dawn shook her head and smiled. "Nothing, really. Just…come back soon."

Buffy smiled and took her sister's hand. "I will. Promise."

Xander got up with her, walking her to the door. "Buffy, you know if you ever want to talk…" he trailed off.

Buffy took his hand. "I know. Thanks. You too."

He shook his head. "You don't know." He sighed, and Buffy could see him searching for the words. "I wasn't really…I know…I never liked him, Buffy. It wasn't exactly a secret. But I know what you're going through." He shrugged and raised an eyebrow jokingly, "'Cuz, hey, misery loves company!"

She smiled. "We'll get through this, Xander. Both of us. All of us. I just…I need some alone time, is all."

He nodded. "See, I even understood that. Guess I'm getting good at this grieving thing, right?"

She nodded, releasing his hand. "Let's hope we don't have to practice anymore." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and walked the rest of the way to the door.

She stood for a long moment before walking slowly into the relative quiet of the desert, the sun still hot as it prepared to set. She couldn't help but think…with a little time to regroup, they'd all be going their separate ways. As normal people. Living normal lives. What a strange, utterly foreign thought! It wasn't anything Buffy had ever considered. Hoped for, yes, dreamed about, of course, but in a lottery kind of way. She knew it was never going to happen, but the dream was worth having. Now she had it…a normal life. But at what price? What lives lost?

"Now, now, love, don't think like that!"

Buffy smiled and turned, tears springing to her eyes as she saw him. "Hey," she greeted him, stifling the tears. He was beautiful in the sunlight. Like a carving in alabaster. She missed him.

He smiled as he strode toward her with his characteristic swagger, and a tear spilled over her cheek. "Oh, stop that now," he reprimanded. "You saved the world! It's a time to celebrate! And, honestly, what good would I be in this brave new world of yours? Slayers every which-way…I'd be staked in an instant! No way to go, that!"

She laughed. "Well, it's hard to top the show you put on," she admitted. "Guess it's what you wanted."

"Well, I never really fancied sunlight much, but it was quite a show, wasn't it? I've always been a sucker for the limelight." He perched himself on a rock near her. "Couldn't have asked for a better exit, sweet. No use mourning me. There are bigger, better things for you out there. All sorts of possibilities. Don't waste your time." He leaned forward. "You have a life to live."

She nodded and another tear fell. "I know. I know. I just can't help but wish…" She looked up, opening her mouth to continue, but he was gone.

"Buffy?" Dawn called from behind her.

Buffy wiped her eyes quickly and turned. "Hey, Dawnie."

Dawn looked at her uncertainly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine. What did you need?"

"I was just coming out…we were going to play cards. I was wondering if you wanted to come play."

Buffy smiled, throwing an arm around her sister's shoulders. "Sure. What are you playing?"

"Gin rummy."

They started walking back to the shelter. "Rummy? Where'd you learn that?"

"Spike," Dawn said quietly.

"Spike, huh? Did you bet?"

"Only pennies. I didn't have the kitten connection, ya know?" Dawn said matter-of-factly.

Buffy laughed. "And thank god!" There was a moment of silence as they walked, and Buffy asked quietly, "You miss him?"

Dawn shrugged, looking away. "Yeah. I guess. I mean, I didn't see that much of him anyway, but he was…well, yeah. I do. You too, huh?"

Buffy leaned over, resting her cheek momentarily on Dawn's head. "I'm just beginning to realize how much. But if we can miss him together…it helps, right?"

* * *

They played cards into the night, until it was time to tuck themselves into their sleeping bags and try to sleep with a million thoughts, regrets and possibilities running through their heads.

Vi flipped the light switch at the door, and Buffy turned toward the wall, feeling Dawn fidget behind her, not quite touching. Funny how one old conversation kept running through her head. She'd barely paid attention to it, then; too busy being raw and hurt after her heavenly visit. But now it replayed itself like a broken record.

He'd spoken in that broken voice. Not like he spoke now. Or, had spoken…when he wasn't burnt to a crisp saving the world. He'd tried to tell her something important. But she hadn't listened. Just like he'd done to her, just days ago.

His voice reverberated in her head. "I do remember what I said. The promise. To protect her. If I had done that... even if I didn't make it...you wouldn't have had to jump." He'd hurt so much. Felt so guilty. And she'd barely noticed.

Here was where it got painful. Because she knew what he meant. "I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but...after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again...do something different."

The tears fell, trickling into her sleeping bag silently.

"You're doing it again," he said softly from behind her.

She rolled over to find him crouched between her and Dawn. She just nodded at him, not wanting to wake Dawn up.

"Wish you'd leave it alone. Dredging up all those old memories. Not me at my best, love."

"But it was you. Not like this. Like now. Me, making you up to stop feeling guilty. I can't even believe I'm talking to you…"

He smiled and cocked his head. "Well, that's what I'm here for, isn't it? Listening?"

She bowed her head. "I guess. Spike, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let go! I should never have let you go."

"Well now, that would have been just silly, you dying with me. Then who would have told everyone I saved the world? No good saving it if nobody knows."

She laughed and nodded, tears choking her again.

"You did the right thing," he told her softly. "I don't know how often I really need to tell you. You know all this."

"I shouldn't have left you," she said quietly, looking into his eyes.

"Oh, hush, now. You're gonna wake little sis. Now move over, that's a good girl." He slid into the sleeping bag behind her and pulled her against him.

"I love you Spike," she told him again, wishing he'd realized it when he was alive, understood it the way she finally did.

He sighed into her ear and gave her a squeeze. "I know, love. Now, go to sleep."

Fin

Here are the lyrics to the entire song, as sung by Josh Groban:

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be?

That you are mine
Forever loved
And you are watching over me
From up above

Fly me up to where you are beyond a distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen?
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Every day

'Cause you are mine
Forever loved
Watching me from up above
And I believe that angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are beyond a distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for a while to know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are