BureauCrazy!
Brain Power
| The Genie | Administratium
| Lay Off |
God Help Us | Go
Bananas | Notice Board |
Memorandum | Quotocracy
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Brain
Power |
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There was this man with chronic severe headaches. As no doctor
could cure him of the blinding headaches, he went to a super
specialist, who advised our man that his brain was damaged and
that it would have to be left behind for repairs. Our man
cried and wept, but seeing no alternative, left his brain
behind with the doctor for repairs. He was assured that the
repairs would be done in a week.
Well,
the doctor repaired the brain. One week passed, then another,
then a month, then six months, and then a year. The doctor was
frantic by now, wondering what havoc the brainless man would
be creating all around him.
Then
one day, the doctor ran into the man at the local market.
Frantically, he begged the man to collect the brain. You know
what the man said?
"Doc,
I don't need it now. I have joined the civil service!"
[Source:
Unknown] |
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The
Genie |
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TOP
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A state
government employee sits in his office and out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes
through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides,
and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie
appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice
cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks
it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second
wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with
gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his
third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever
again."…
… POOF! He's back in his government office…
[Source:
WitWorld]
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Administratium
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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
by investigators at a major US research university. The
element, tentatively, named "ADMINISTRATIUM",
appears to be very closely related to
"BUREAUCRATIUM" -- a known deadly poison.
"ADMINISTRATIUM" has no protons or electrons and
thus has an atomic number of 0. However, upon initial
inspection, it does have: - one neutron, - 125 assistant
neutrons, - 75 vice neutrons and - 111 assistant vice
neutrons, which together gives it an atomic mass of 312.
PROPERTIES ----------- * These 312 particles are held together
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like
particles called MORONS. * It is also surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. PROPERTIES
----------- Since it has no electrons, administratium is
inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes
every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have
normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a
normal half-life of approximately THREE YEARS, at which time
it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown the atomic
mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization. OCCURRENCES
----------- Research at other laboratories indicates
administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to
concentrate at certain points such as government agencies,
large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found
in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic
at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any
productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.
Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date
are not promising.
[Source:
WitWorld]
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Lay
Off
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TOP
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Once
upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle
of a desert. Parliament aid, "Someone may steal from it at
night."
So
they created a night watchman position for the job. Then
Parliament said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instructions?"
So
they created a planning department and hired two people, one
person to write instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then
Parliament said, "How will we know that the night watchman
is doing the job correctly?" So they created a quality
control department and hired two advisors. One to do the studies
and one to write the reports.
Then
Parliament said, "How are these people going to get
paid?" So they created the following positions: a time
keeper, and a payroll officer.
Then
Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all these
people?" So they created an administrative section and
hired three people: an administrative officer, an assistant
administrative officer, and a legal secretary.
Then
Parliament said, "We have had this command in operation for
one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall
cost.
So
they laid off the night watchman.
[Source:
Neelesh
Bhujle]
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God
Help Us
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TOP
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In
the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was
faced with a class action suit for failure to file an
environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary
permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and
Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the
hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the
first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials
immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would
there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God
explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming
that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would
obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have
the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call
the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as
manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures
having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the
Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the
project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at
least 200 days to review the application and the environmental
impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing.
Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
[Source:
Jokes2Go]
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Go
Bananas
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TOP
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#
1. Start with
a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a
string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to
the stairs and start to climb toward the banana.
2.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with
cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the
same result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3.
Turn off the cold water. If later another ape tries to climb the
stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no
water sprays them.
4.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To
his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
stairs, he will be assaulted.
5.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it
with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with
enthusiasm.
6.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one
makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four
apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to
climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating
of the newest ape.
7.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes
which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no
ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because
that's the way it's always been done around here."
[Source:
Clean-Funnies]
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Notice
Board
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TOP
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PLEASE
NOTICE: You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for
you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This
is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to
the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to
remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices
because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
- The Department of Notification
Dear Dept. of Notification,
This is just a notice to let you know that I noticed your notice
about the notices and I am responding to your notice to let you
know that it did not go unnoticed. I hope you are glad that I
notified you about those notices.
- The Receiver of Notices Notifier
Dear
Noticee,
We here at the Department of Notification were delighted to
notice that you finally noticed one of our notices. In the
future, please notice all future notices or we will be forced to
note that you are not noticing the future notices and we will
send you another notice...sometime in the near future. You have
been officially notified.
- The Department of Notification (Future Home of Reports)
[Source:
WitWorld]
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Memorandum
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TOP
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Interoffice Memo
From: The Director
To: All Employees
Re: Previous Memo
The attached interoffice memo was erroneously sent to you last
week to be read, initialed and returned. Please erase your
initials and initial your erasure.
[Source:
WitWorld]
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Quotocracy
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TOP |
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Everyone
should have a spouse, because there are a number of things
that go wrong that one can't blame on the government. |
[Source:
WitWorld]
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#
Every
revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a
new bureaucracy: Kafka |
[Source: MusicFolio]
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The only
thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency:
Eugene McCarthy |
[Source: MusicFolio] |
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The
bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy. |
[Source: MusicFolio] |
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Bureaucracy
defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has
lost its status: Laurence J Peter |
[Source: MusicFolio] |
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Hell hath
no fury like a bureaucrat scorned: Milton Friedman |
[Source: MusicFolio] |
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# Bureaucracy
is the conversion of human energy into solid waste. |
[Source: MusicFolio]
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