Lost Letters
© 2002 - 2003
By: Jennifer Johnson
jennpurr@yahoo.com
See Part 1 for Disclaimers
Please, if you wish to archive this or link it to something, or anything else of this nature, please contact me first!
Chapter 3
Tara stepped up beside her and leaned down, placing the flowers on the dirt mound. When she stood back up, she met the redhead’s eyes. “Hi, Willow.”
Willow opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. The blonde had rendered her speechless. The wheels in her brain were turning ninety miles a minute and all she could do was just stand there, staring at this beautiful creature.
She reached forward, following her hand with her eyes, and tentatively and lightly touched the other girls arm, making sure she was real, that her eyes weren’t betraying her. At the contact, she yanked her hand back down to her side and her body started to tremble. She is real.
Looking Tara in the eyes was the last straw. Her bottom lip started to quiver, her eyes tearing up and when the other girl frowned and a look of concern washed over her features, she lost it. Her tears started to fall and her shaking worsened.
Out of pure instinct and an overwhelming need to comfort, Tara stepped forward.
Just when Willow thought her knees were going to give out, tumbling her to the ground, she felt two strong arms wrap around her and pull her close.
The blonde sighed softly, when she hooked her arms under the other girl’s and pulled her tight against her body. She never thought this moment would ever happen again, just as Willow had, and she planned on taking full advantage of it, even if it didn’t mean anything.
This wasn’t something she had planned. Willow didn’t want her anymore, she had made that perfectly clear, in not responding with her even once, over the past eight years. Now this, this hug, she would support her ex-lover and comfort her, lending her strength until she felt it wasn’t needed any longer. Then she would leave. Walk away, as she had before.
That’s what she told herself, anyhow, but unbeknownst to her, she hadn’t expected what happened next.
A strangled cry worked its way up through the redhead’s body and finally landed on her vocal cords. She sobbed Tara’s name and latched her arms onto her back, returning the embrace with gusto.
“Easy, Willow,” she sympathized with her ex-lover. This moment was something that they both had dreamed about for years, but Tara had pushed it away and hidden it in the deepest recesses of her heart, not letting herself be hurt by the want anymore. “Shhh…” she tried to gently coax her to let go a little.
Willow took the hint and laxed her arms somewhat, but she didn’t move.
Tara held her for a few more silent minutes, until the redhead was completely relaxed, and then she tried to take a step back.
Willow, however, had other plans. Her arms tightened around the blonde again and she wouldn’t let her move away.
Laughing softly, she didn’t even try to censor her words from what her heart told her to say. “Sweetie, I’m not going anywhere. I just want to talk to you and actually look at your face.”
For the second time in the past couple of minutes, the hacker couldn’t move. That one word, that sweet endearment, she hadn’t heard that in 8 years. It made her heart beat loudly in her chest.
Stepping back finally, her eyes took in her companion’s wordless expression. “What is it?” Tara asked, concern filling her again.
Willow’s voice seemed to magically re-appear and she whispered. “You, you called me, sweetie.”
Nodding, the other girl asked, “Is that okay?” Even if it wasn’t, she couldn’t keep it from her lips; it just wouldn’t go away.
“God, yes.” Willow smiled a little. “It’s just… you haven’t called me that, since…” she just lowered her eyes and stared at the ground. “…You left,” her voice trailed off to nothing.
Tara didn’t understand. She’d called the other girl, sweetie, many times in her letters. Why was she acting like she’d never heard the word before? “I, I’ve used it since then, Willow. In my letters.”
The mention of the letters brought a fresh spring of tears to the hacker’s eyes and they slithered down her cheeks. This dear woman had no idea.
“Tara, I… today, I got your letters, today.” Willow lifted her head and searched the other girl’s eyes.
“What?” Tara shook her head, confused. “No, I sent…”
“Wait,” she said gently. “I never got your letters.” The hacker waited for the blonde to grasp the recognition of the statement. When she saw it in her face, she spoke again. “I never got them, until today. Mom kept them from me.”
Stumbling back a step, at the severity of the confession, she gripped the offered hand to steady herself. Looking down at her hand, after a moment she interlaced her fingers with Willow’s, giving in, letting her heart lead her once more.
“I’m sorry, Tara. I would have written you back or called, if I had known. You have to know that?” The last part was a question, which the blonde answered with a nod of her head.
Willow’s free hand balled into a fist at the ache. She wanted to touch Tara so badly, make sure that she was real, that it was actually her beloved standing here in front of her, but she didn’t know if she should. Finally deciding she didn’t care, the hacker un-balled her fingers.
Inching her hand upwards, towards her goal, her skin itched in anticipation. Finally reaching it’s destination, her fingers splayed out and she lightly cupped the other girl’s cheek.
The blonde witch’s eyes, fluttered shut at the touch and she leaned her cheek into it. Her heart had finally won and she made no effort to stop it. This is what she wanted, this other girl touching her; this is what she needed, even if she could never bring herself to say it.
“I just wanna make one thing perfectly clear, Tara Maclay… I could never hate you or be disgusted by you.” Her thumb caressed her skin, back and forth.
Opening her eyes, she looked back, perplexed. “I…”
Willow interrupted her before she could say anything. “I don’t know how you could have thought that or would ever think that.” She untwined their fingers and her now free hand, came up to hug the other side of her face.
“Never. That will never happen.”
A teary nod and a smile, was her response.
The hacker started to remove her hands, but Tara stopped her.
Placing her hands firmly over the others on her cheeks, she turned her head to the right and kissed the palm of Willow’s left hand. Once her lips separated from the skin, she gripped her digits in between her companions and brought them down to her sides. Stepping forward, she leaned in and left a lingering kiss on the hacker’s forehead.
They both closed their eyes and sighed in sync. When Tara pulled back, she caught the green eyes with her blue. “Can we talk? Not here, though.”
“Yeah. We can go back to my house.” Willow started to turn, to walk towards the car, but Tara stopped her progress.
“I… I want to be alone… to talk,” the blonde grinned, shyly.
“My house. We’ll be alone,” Willow confirmed.
“Good. Let’s go,” Tara started to walk this time, dropping one of Willow’s hands, but keeping the other firmly hugged with her own.
The redhead followed. No more questions or words were needed.
*****
Willow pulled into her driveway, driving in until she was right in front of the garage door. As she was stepping out of her car, Tara had just pulled in behind her and parked.
She walked over and opened the door for the blonde, holding it open until Tara climbed out of her vehicle. Once the girl was well away from its path, she closed the door with a loud slam.
“Thanks, sweetie.” Smiling, Tara stood beside her, admiring the front of the house. “This is lovely, Will.”
“Thank you. I like it,” Willow responded, looking at the other girl’s face. “You wanna go in?” She moved to go, but held out her hand.
Slipping her hand into the offered one, the blonde witch nodded and interlaced their fingers.
The house was a one-story home. A sidewalk extended from the driveway to the steps, leading up to the front porch, which covered the front of the house in length. There was a roof over the porch and a swing to the left of the stairway, sitting close to one of the windows.
The home itself was white with a gray roof.
Tara immediately took purchase on the swing, sitting down on it and moving it with her legs.
“You like my swing, huh?” the redhead grinned. She remembered a conversation that they had shared once and the other girl had told her of her love for swings. She had always wanted one.
Stilling its movement with her feet, Tara smiled happily. “I love it.”
“Come on,” the hacker offered her hand again, pulling the other girl up and out of the swing, when she firmly grabbed on. Going over to the front door, she slipped her key in the lock and unlocked it.
Pocketing her keys, she then pushed the door open. Willow still held tight to Tara’s hand. It felt good to be in hers again. She had missed holding hands with the blonde witch.
Tara closed the door behind her, as they went in-to Willow’s house.
*****
After a brief tour of the rooms and kitchen, they both settled in the living room.
Willow was sitting on one end of her medium sized sofa, her right arm resting on the back of it.
Tara sat at the opposite end, her body turned sideways, legs crossed and tucked underneath her. She was leaning forward, elbows resting in the bend of her knees as they talked.
They had grown silent for the last couple of minutes, just taking time to reacquaint themselves with each other. Now that they were actually inside, alone, a sudden shyness had crept over them.
“Tara?” the hacker whispered, turning her head to look at her companion.
“Hmmm?” she also looked up, catching green eyes with her own.
“I missed you,” Willow’s features were saddened, a lump forming in her throat.
“I missed you, too. So much. I, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” Tara laid her arm on the back of the sofa, her hand resting an inch away from her ex-lovers, aching to touch her again.
Looking at the blonde’s hand, she moved her fingers closer, their fingertips touching. When Willow spoke again, her voice was soft, almost a whisper. She kept her eyes on their hands, as their fingers started to give the others small hugs.
“I’ve thought about you every day; wondering how you were. You’re always on my mind. It doesn’t feel like eight years have passed; it feels like it’s been longer. A-and it just gets worse everyday. I feel…” Looking away and over, she looked into Tara’s eyes, searching deeply; probing. “I feel lost,” she finally admitted.
“Oh, sweetie. Com’ere.” Tara patted her lap and watched as the other girl, scooted over and lay down, her head resting in the blonde’s lap.
Willow was lying on her back, her left hand was up and beside her face, gripping Tara’s knee.
Playing with the soft red hair, her fingers sifted through it the best they could from this angle. She sighed deeply before speaking.
“I’ve felt lost, too, Will… but if you’ll let me, I can find you. We can find each other.” Tara cupped her face, upside down, with both hands. Her thumbs caressed the supple flesh of the tops of her cheeks.
“Together?” the hacker’s eyes fluttered, briefly.
“Together,” Tara agreed, smiling gently.
“I wanna be found,” Willow said, putting her hands over the blonde’s. “Especially if it’s you, whose doing the finding.”
“Always, sweetie.” Tara grinned.
“Tara?” Willow shifted her body somewhat, propping herself up on her right elbow, beside the other girl’s left knee.
“Yes?” She knew that tone. The redhead was either nervous about something or just very unsure.
“Can you… will you…” Frustrated with herself, she closed her eyes and blew out a deep breath.
Tara had to fight really hard not to laugh. Willow was just too cute at times. “What do you need, Willow?”
“Will you hold me?” she asked, shyly.
“Of course. Sit up for a second.” When she did as asked, the blonde witch unhooked her legs and stretched them out. She placed a leg on either side of the other girl’s body and held out her arms, scooting her body forward so she could lay back.
Moving over and turning on her right side, the redhead glided into Tara’s arms. She wrapped her arms around the girl’s waist and rested her cheek into the crook of her neck.
Tara couldn’t keep the moan at bay, which escaped from her vocal cords, once Willow settled. “Mmmm, Willow… I’ve missed having you in my arms.”
The hacker rotated her head an inch to the right and let her lips brush against the skin of Tara’s neck. It was a subtle move, nothing more than to show her appreciation, but when she heard the sharp intake of breath from the body beneath her, she went back to her prior position. Her cheek now rested against the blonde’s.
“Sorry,” Willow apologized, squeezing the waist that she held. “This is nice,” she agreed with the earlier statement. “I’ve missed this, too.”
Tara closed her eyes and breathed in and out, calmly.
“I, um… haven’t done this since… before,” the redhead whispered, nervously. She didn’t know if she should be admitting this now.
“You haven’t?” Tara pulled her head back so she could look Willow in the eyes.
“No. I tried to find someone else, but I couldn’t. They weren’t…” she gazed into her eyes, deeply. “They weren’t you, Tara.” Unhooking her left arm from the blonde’s waist, she brought her hand up and her fingertips caressed the girl’s cheek.
“Buffy said something today, that I hadn’t completely realized before then, I don’t think. I think I was looking for you all along and when I didn’t find you, I couldn’t stay dating those women.” Her fingers moved lower, so close to those full lips. She wanted to touch them, feel their softness.
“You don’t have to explain.” Tara’s body shivered at the touch.
“Yes I do.” Shifting, Willow now lay on top of her beloved, where she wanted to be. Her right arm still claimed the waist of the blonde witch. “I haven’t been with anyone, since you.”
Her brow furrowed, she was confused. “You said you dated other women?”
Smiling, the hacker nodded. “For like, 2 seconds.” The pads of her digits finally moved over, tracing the supple lips, bathing in their fullness. “I mean intimately, Tara.”
Recognition dawning, Tara blushed. “Oh… well, I haven’t either… only you. I tried dating, but it just didn’t work out. None of them made me happy. My heart was in love with someone else. It’s STILL in love with that person.” She was having a hard time concentrating with what the other girl was doing.
Grinning, Willow knew exactly the effect she was having on Tara. If the blonde only knew how it was making her feel inside. “You, you haven’t?”
“No,” she closed her eyes now, succumbing to the touch. She didn’t hesitate the next move. Gently, Tara kissed the redhead’s fingers, part of her imagining that they were her lips.
It was Willow’s turn to close her eyes. As she did so, she contemplated what she would do now. She wanted to say it. She ached to say it, but what would the girl do? Then she remembered the letters, what they had said. Tara had told her, forever, but did she still mean it?
The blonde had just said that she had been in love with someone else; that she was STILL in love with this someone. Could that person be her? Should she even hope for that to be fact?
Taking a deep breath, she went for it, risking everything and diving in for the plunge. “I love you, Tara.”
Opening her eyes, she stilled her lips, the fingers forgotten as Willow’s words played in her ears. The look of love on the other girl’s face was unmistakable. Her heart leapt in her chest. This beautiful woman still loved her.
A tear running down her cheek, she smiled. “Oh, Willow. I love you, too. I never stopped.”
“Really? Then it WAS, me?” The redhead wanted to believe it, but couldn’t bear the thought that it wasn’t true. She whimpered, when she watched Tara’s face rising to meet her own.
The blonde decided to skip talking and show this woman, this woman that she loved, just how much she still did in fact, love her.
Leaning down, their lips were in range; so close. Willow could feel Tara’s warm breath on her skin and she closed her eyes, anticipating. This was it. It never happened though. A loud pounding on her front door, broke the moment.
The hacker’s head snapped up and she grunted in frustration. Whoever had the nerve to interrupt this moment, was going to wish they hadn’t. However, the panicked voice that flowed from the other side of the door, replaced all anger she was feeling.
“Willow! I need to talk to you.” It was Buffy. “Please, open up!” Her voice was urgent.
Sighing, Willow gave Tara a look of apology and placed her index finger over her lips. “Sorry… I better answer her.” Leaning down, she positioned her mouth close to the blonde’s ear. “Hold that thought.”
Kissing the redhead’s finger, she grinned and watched Willow move off of her and start to make her trek towards the door.
“Will?” The Slayer asked again, her impatience seeping from her voice.
“I’m coming, Buffy.” She rearranged her shirt, fluffing it down into place. Her best friend had the worst timing, ever. And she planned on telling her just that – someday.
Chapter 4
Tara sat up, as she stared at her ex-lover’s retreating form. She appreciated the view, if nothing else. Willow was still one of the sexiest women she had ever known.
Closing her eyes, she shook her head, shaking away all the lusty thoughts occupying her mind at the moment.
The redhead felt the other girl’s eyes upon her and she grinned, widely. “I’ve still got it,” she whispered, to where only her own ears could hear. Once she reached the door and opened it, Willow couldn’t keep the smug look off of her features.
She looked like the cat that had just ate the canary.
Somewhat lunging forward and grabbing onto Willow’s shoulders, Buffy tried to catch her breath. She used the strong shoulders her fingers gripped, as support, keeping her wobbly knees from giving out all together.
Scrunching up her brow, the hacker looked concerned and gently walked the Slayer backwards, so they weren’t standing in the middle of the doorway. “Geez, Buffy. Did you run the whole way here or something?”
“Yeah… had to,” came a breathy reply. Lowering her head, the blonde swallowed and then looked back up. “Need… to talk, Will.”
She pulled her best friend’s hands away from her shoulders and let them drop, once she knew the other girl was calmed down and could stand on her own. “What’s up?” the redhead questioned, curiously.
“I left you a message… on your machine. Tara… it’s about, Tara.” Her breathing started to return to normal and she sighed. Buffy took a few more steps backwards and sat down on the top step to the stairs leading down to the sidewalk.
“I didn’t check my machine yet.” Willow smiled at the name of her love. “What about her, Buffy?”
“I called Angel after I left earlier and he told me that she left LA.” The Slayer bowed her head and felt ashamed, for not telling the other girl about Tara’s whereabouts before it was too late. “I’m so sorry, Will. She’s gone.”
Willow felt genuinely bad to see the blonde so torn, but she still couldn’t hold back the smile that graced her lips. Before she could respond though, she felt a hand on her lower back.
Turning her head to the left, she locked eyes with Tara, whom had been listening quietly from inside the house.
“It’s okay, Buffy,” the blonde witch spoke, calmly.
Shaking her head no that it wasn’t, Buffy didn’t seem to notice that it wasn’t Willow talking to her.
“Buffy, look at me.” The redhead’s voice was gentle. She leaned into Tara, taking the hand that was now at her side, brushing her thigh.
Looking up, the Slayer looked at the other girl. She did a double take when she saw who was standing beside her. “Tara?” she needed verification that her eyes weren’t deceiving her.
Nodding, Tara smiled warmly.
The next thing she knew, she was being pulled into a strong embrace. Buffy’s arms latching around her back, squeezing her for all she was worth. The blonde witch hugged her back, but soon needed to break away. “Buffy, it’s nice to see you, but I need to breathe.”
“Oh, my God. I’m sorry.” She pulled back and gave the other girl a look of apology. “Sorry… got a little carried away there.”
“It’s okay,” Tara reassured her.
Buffy turned her head and looked at Willow, her face suddenly long, sadness stinging her eyes. “Will, can you ever forgive me?” She took a tentative step closer to the redhead, yet again, asking for forgiveness. The fact that she had already asked once and been granted it, that didn’t matter right now. Her heart needed it to be given once more.
The hacker’s eyes scanned every inch of the Slayer’s eyes, probing deeply, accepting her mistakes – accepting her repentance. She knew Buffy had done everything the way she had, out of sheer protection and friendship. Although, she was still angry at the way she had handled the situation, but in retrospect, Willow herself may have done the same thing if their positions had been reversed.
Reaching forward, Willow’s fingers gripped around Buffy’s hand and she pulled her towards her, letting go of her grip and hugging her with her right arm. Her hand found the blonde’s right shoulder and she grabbed onto it, giving the other girl a firm embrace.
The redhead’s left hand was again preoccupied, her fingers wedged between Tara’s. Their hands were embracing, not letting go. Willow wasn’t about to let go of her love, even if the hug she was sharing now with her best friend, was awkward.
Closing her eyes and letting a heavy sigh fall from her lips, Buffy shivered. Willow forgave her. Silently, she made a vow to herself to never deceive the redhead like that again, or Tara. That was an absolute.
Kissing the cheek that had rested on hers, the hacker pulled back, reaching down and giving the Slayer’s hand a final squeeze and letting it go.
She locked eyes with Buffy’s softer green ones and held them. Her next words flowing forward, marking their claim, not wanting to have to be spoken again. “I forgive you, but Buffy… right now, this moment… it’s the last time,” her features resolved, sliding into place.
Closing her eyes and nodding her head, the Slayer accepted. When her lids opened again, they locked with Willow’s again. “Thank you and I swear… never again.”
She blinked and looked away, her vision falling on the still joined hands in between the two women before her. Her heart fluttered at the sight. This is how it should be, should have been. Their hands looked so perfect together, sharing the same space, the same air.
Stepping to the side a bit, she now stood in front of Tara. She wouldn’t look at her at first, shame plaguing her thoughts, but when she did finally look up, she was met with a smile.
The blonde witch’s full lips were perfect. The smile that tickled her lips was grateful, grateful for this moment.
When Buffy spoke again, her voice was soft. “Tara, I need to ask for your forgiveness, too.”
Shaking her head, her eyebrows furrowed, she didn’t understand. “For what?”
A heavy breath falling from her lungs, she stepped back just a step, giving the other girl space. “For not telling the truth; for keeping you from, Willow these past three months, when you could have been with her, working things out. I…” she paused to gather her words.
Should she betray Angel’s confidence? He HAD told her not to say anything, but Tara was here now, not there. And she should know the truth. That was her final decision.
“I knew where you were and I didn’t tell, Willow. I thought I was protecting her, not wanting to see her hurt again.” Buffy laughed, disgusted and shook her head, looking over at the redhead. “… But you ended up getting hurt anyway, by me. And I’m so sorry.”
Frowning and squeezing her eyes shut briefly, she looked back at Tara, who was waiting patiently, waiting for Buffy to finish. “I’m sorry, Tara.”
In actuality, the blonde witch was somewhat glad. She hadn’t been ready to see Willow yet. Here, now, being with her ex-lover was more than she could have ever dreamed of, but if it had happened any earlier, there was no telling how she would have handled it.
“Buffy,” Tara started, but waited until the other girl looked up at her to finish. “You did what you thought was right and I can’t judge you for that, but… from now on, I know you will make the right decisions and won’t make the same mistakes over again. Right?” She tilted her chin down, looking her in the eyes.
“You’re so right,” the Slayer responded.
Stepping forward, the blonde witch embraced the other girl in a firm hug, but kept hold of Willow’s hand. She wouldn’t let go, never again.
“Thank you for taking care of, Willow,” Tara whispered in Buffy’s ear, only loud enough for her to hear. “I’m going to take over for you now, though.” She gave her lower back a squeeze and let go, stepping back and smiling graciously at the Slayer.
Buffy smiled back at her and gave her a short nod in agreement.
“How’s, Dawnie?” She directed her question towards the other blonde, as she settled back into her position beside the redhead, squeezing her hand and leaning their shoulders together. She needed that extra closeness.
“She’s good. She’s in med school,” Buffy beamed, proud of her younger sibling. “She’s going to be sad that she missed seeing you.” Her smile began to fade, thinking of how heartbroken her sister would be.
Tara’s features fell and her voice became a whisper. “I know.”
She knew that Dawn was away at school, but she didn’t provide that information. Too many questions and she didn’t feel she had the strength to answer. Truth was that she had been e-mailing back and forth with the younger Summers over the past couple of years. She had told her not to say anything. She knew it would get back to Willow if she did and that was something she wasn’t ready to face at that time.
“I wish I could see her, too.” The blonde’s words broke off at the end, a lump forming in her throat.
“Hey,” Willow spoke softly, pulling her hand out of her loves and reaching behind her to gently stroke her back. “You’ll see her soon.”
Reaching up with her other hand, she cupped the right side of Tara’s face, her thumb caressing her flesh. Leaning in, she left a ghost of a kiss on the corner of her lips and embraced her fully, pulling them together snuggly.
Tara returned the embrace, turning her head so that her lips rested against Willow’s neck. She kissed her there once and gave her a firm squeeze, before pulling back and smiling in gratitude at the hacker, pressing their warm foreheads together.
“I know,” she answered her, her voice not as broken now.
Buffy’s stomach fluttered at what she had just witnessed. Tara was home and Willow was going to be all right. Her day was finally starting to get better. “It’s good to have you home, Tara,” she spoke aloud and smiled.
*****
They both watched her walk away, making her way down the sidewalk to go home. Once the Slayer was out of sight, Tara was the first to speak, turning towards Willow and taking her hand. “We need to talk.”
“I know.” She searched the blue eyes before her. She was surprised at what she found there. Tara was afraid of something, but what? “What is it?”
Looking away, the blonde just gripped the hand in hers and started to walk back into the other woman’s house.
Willow shut the door behind them and continued to follow Tara, as she was led into the living room.
When they neared the couch, Tara let go of the hacker’s hand and motioned for her to sit down. Once sitting, she looked away from her companion and began to pace. Her mind was spinning a million miles a minute and she searched for words, wondering how to say what needed to be said.
Watching the back and forth motion, the other girl was making was starting to cause her dizziness. She kept her eyes on the blonde though, waiting, letting her have the time she needed. “Are you okay?”
Running her fingers through her hair, Tara finally stopped pacing and looked down at Willow, catching her eyes. She stepped over in front of her and knelt down in-between her knees, resting her arms on top of her thighs for support. “No.”
“What, what’s wrong?” her voice held the panic that her heart now raced to. Reaching up, she tucked some of that blonde hair behind Tara’s left ear, letting her fingers brush her cheek before she dropped her hand.
Taking in a deep breath, she began. “Willow, I need you to promise me that you will listen to what I have to say and not interrupt me. I know you… you will probably want to say something, but I want you to wait until I’m finished. Okay?”
Nodding, she gave her word.
Pushing up with her hands, Tara stood again, but right in front of her this time, a few steps back. “There’s something I need to tell you about, Dawn.” Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply. “We’ve been in contact with each other for the last four years.”
The redhead’s promise to not speak until the end was forgotten as she blurted out, “Huh? What are you…”
“Will,” the blonde’s voice cut her off. “You said you would wait. Please?”
“… But,” Willow tried to protest.
Stepping closer to her, she placed her middle and index fingers on her lips. “Please!”
Kissing them lightly, she nodded.
“Thank you.” Tara removed her fingers and sat down beside the other girl on the couch, sitting sideways, her left leg bent at the knee. “Don’t be mad at, Dawnie. I was the one who told her not to say anything to anyone. I wasn’t ready to talk to you or Buffy or anyone else, here.”
Looking down at her hand resting on her knee, she spoke with a very small voice. “I… I thought that you hated me or didn’t want anything to do with me. That’s another reason why I…”
Willow turned her body around so fast; the momentum almost knocked Tara over, onto her back. Her own right leg bended and her knee touched the blonde witch’s. She now sat eye to eye with her, looking straight at her. Her eyes held an intense protest. “Tara, no. Never. I never…”
“I know,” she cut her off, leaning forward, their faces just inches apart. “I know that now, but then… then was a different story. I know better now, but you have to understand why I felt that way.”
Sadness swept over Willow’s face and she bowed her head. “I do. It was all, my fault. I, I violated you!” she said in an angry voice, angry with herself. “I… I mind raped you, Tara.” She spat disgustedly and lifted herself off the couch and walked away, turning her back on the blonde, not having the courage to keep looking at her.
Tara’s heart started to pound in her chest and her breathing increased. She lifted her head and looked at Willow’s back. Her shoulders were shaking and her fists were balled down at her sides. She was squeezing them as hard as she could, wanting to punch something.
Slowly standing, she stepped towards the hacker and hesitated briefly, before moving over in front of her, staring at her lowered head. “Yes, you did. What you did to me was horrible, Willow. You betrayed me.”
“Do you have to keep throwing that in my face?” she snapped and pulled her head up, staring into Tara’s eyes, coldly. She instantly regretted her words and her tone, when she saw the hurt flash across her ex-lovers face.
Willow closed her eyes, holding back her tears, and she turned away again. “I… I’m sorry.”
The blonde just looked at the floor, feeling like she’d been slapped, but the other girl was right. She had thrown that in her face, whether intentional or not. It still hurt though, very deeply.
“No, I’M sorry, but… it’s true, Willow. You did hurt me. You hurt me so much when you did that to me.” Tara lifted her eyes, looking up again. When she spoke this time, her voice was just above a whisper. “… But, that was 8 years ago. We’ve moved on from that, learned from our mistakes.”
The redhead turned her head a centimeter to the right, but didn’t directly look at the other girl. She couldn’t; not right now.
Her body stiffened up, when she felt Tara moving closer to her, walking around the side of her and stopping before her. She kept her head turned though, her shame keeping it locked in place.
“I-I betrayed you, too.” Tara’s voice was starting to tremble. An emotional breakdown was on the verge of erupting.
Willow finally looked at her – everything – and her damn broke, she couldn’t hold it back any longer. “No… Tara, you didn’t.”
“Yes I did. I left you. I left you alone to deal with everything, when I should have stayed to… h-help you. I l-l-let you down…” her voice broke off, tears flowing freely now. She covered her face with her hands, trying to hide, trying to make herself invisible.
Willow’s heart broke and her stomach balled up into a knot, as her body shook with sobs. “You… you did what… you had… to do. I… don’t blame… you for that.”
“You… s-should.” Tara’s knees gave in, buckling, pulling her to the ground. She let gravity have it’s way. She was only half surprised when the redhead followed her lead, dropping to the ground and grabbing her arms.
Pulling on Tara’s arms, she yanked her forward, embracing her with all of her strength. She held her as tight as she could and refused to let go, even when the blonde tried to free herself.
Melting, losing the battle with herself, she sank into the hacker’s arms. Her own arms wrapped around the slender back of the other girl and she held on, burying her face in the other girl’s warm neck.
They grieved together, letting all of their emotions go. The first step had been taken. They still had a ways to go, but they were now closer to getting there together.
Back to Buffy Stories
Part 1 - Chapters 1-2
Part 2 - Chapters 3-4
Part 3 - Chapters 5-6
Part 4 - Chapter 7
