5.7.00 ULTIMO: Borotato, mitoka sosha Pikachu!
PIKACHU: Pikachu!
ULTIMO: Hehe.
HARDCORE SYKES versus ”JAMIE KORNELL
Hardcore Sykes appears below the OddTron. “My Own Prison” by Creed plays and he walks down to the ring carrying what appears to be a sports duffle bag. He gets in the ring and drops it down with a loud thud. Suddenly, a saxophone begins to sound in the background. The scantily clad alleged “Jamie Kornell”
walks down to the ring. Fans whistle at her as she goes. She climbs into the ring and looks innocently at Sykes. Sykes just ignores her and rushes her with an attempted clothesline. Jamie hops out of the way and grabs Sykes by the face. She plants a big wet juicy kiss on the lips of Sykes. Sykes' eyes light up for a moment, but he gains his composure and picks Jamie up by the hair. He flips her over and nails a SITDOWN TOMBSTONE on Jamie. Sykes walks over to his duffle bag and empties out the contents. An aluminum baseball bat, a bowling ball, a walking cane and a croquette mallet. He walks over and smashes the cane over the head of Jamie who is by now out cold. Sykes walks out of the ring and picks up two chair sitting by. He throws them into the ring and sets them up near one of the turnbuckles. He picks up Jamie who is still out and brings her up to the top rope. Sykes stands up and nails the SYKES CITY BLUES on Jamie. Sykes drops back down and begins to kiss Jamie back. The ref counts 1 2 3 as this happens and Sykes picks up the victory. While Sykes is still swapping spit, KC Kornell jumps out of the stands and sneaks his way into the ring. He picks up the bowling ball and walks over to Sykes. Kornell nails Sykes on the back of the head with the bowling ball. Kornell picks up the aluminum bat and begins to beat Sykes in the ribs with it. Suddenly, Kornell picks up Sykes and nails him with the BASIC INSTINCT. Kornell goes over to Jamie, picks her up and delivers another BASIC INSTINCT to her, too. Kornell picks up the two unconscious bodies and tosses them out of the ring. Kornell goes over to the ring announcer and grabs the mic. He then begins to shout.
KORNELL: I am not married! That was just a stupid thing that Kord pulled out of his ass back in EHW! I am single – a bachelor! I don’t need little slut like her! I am so damned tired of all of this BS!
Kornell walks out of the ring as Keep Away by Godsmack plays.
Winner: HARDCORE SYKES.
PIKACHU: Pika pi! Pika pikachu!
ULTIMO: Purkarchru?
Pikachu’s cheeks glow, and masses of electricity come out and shock Ultimo.
ULTIMO: Oh, Pikachu!
KEG MATCH
AL KOHOLIK versus STRATUS
The fans begin to cheer as a large beer keg begins to be lowered from the rafters. It glimmers in the lights. Suddenly, “Got Beer?” begins to play. Al Koholik wobbles out from the backstage area. He looks very drunk. He tries to make his way down to the ring but instead finds himself talking with one
of the security guards near the railing. Apparently the two begin to fight about something and the security guard punches Al down to the ground. Meanwhile back in the ring, the ref begins to set up the ladder. Al Koholik get back up to his feet and staggers over to the ring. He rolls in and walks over to the ref. He wraps his shoulder around the ref's and begins to sing some song that has the words beer and booze in it. The ref pushes Al aside nearly knocking him into the ladder. Al looks up and sees the shining keg nearly 15 feet above him. He places one foot on the ladder and begins to climb up. Suddenly, “Machinehead” by Bush plays and Stratus runs out to the ring. He slides into the ring as Al Koholik makes it nearly half way up the
ladder. Stratus reaches up and pulls Al Koholik down by his feet. Al's face hits each and every rung on the way down knocking the ladder over onto the ref who was standing in the corner and giving Al quite a bloody nose. Stratus picks Al up and sets him up for the powerbomb. Stratus sends Al down
hard onto ladder. Al writhes in pain. Stratus picks Al up once again and nails him with a DDT. Al lays motionless in the ring as Stratus begins to set up the ladder. He places it under the keg and begins to make his way up towards the keg. The crowd tries to cheer Al up to his feet but Al still lays motionless. Stratus reaches the top of the ladder and grabs onto the keg. He begins to fiddle with it as he tries to get the keg untied. Suddenly a large man runs out from the backstage area. He rushes into the ring and knocks the ladder over with a mighty shoulder block. Stratus is hanging onto the beer keg nearly 15 feet in the air! Suddenly a loud pop is head and beer begins to spray out from the keg. The keg is now getting very
slippery as beer trickles down it's side. A loud scream is heard as Stratus falls from the keg. He lands with a thud in the center of the ring. The large man picks stratus up and roars loudly at him. The fans roar back
acknowledging the presence of THG George Stevens – again! Stevens picks Stratus up
and nails him with the ROAR OF THE GRIZZLY DDT. Stratus lays motionless in the center of the ring. Stevens picks up the ladder and sets it in place under the leaking beer keg. He climbs up the ladder two rungs at a time. He reaches the keg and pulls it off the wire it was attatched to. He heads back down towards the ring. A little bit of beer is still spilling out. Some of it lands on the face of the motionless Al Koholik. The beer trickles down towards his mouth. It hits his lips and suddenly his eyes open up wide. He jumps to his feet and begins to dance. He looks over at Stevens holding the keg. Al runs over and grabs the keg. He pops it open and begins to chug it down. In a matter of seconds, Al has downed the entire keg! Stevens goes over to the ref and helps him to his feet. Stevens slides out as the ref who
appears to be as drunk as Al Koholik, looks at the keg. The ref picks it up, sees that it is empty, and calls for the bell as he raises Al's hands in victory.
Winner: AL KOHOLIK.
Stratus grabs the mic after the match and starts to yell into it.
STRATUS: That’s it! George Stevens – let it go! I stabbed you in the back in BWA, leave me alone!
Stevens recieves a microphone.
THG: Stratus, as far as I’m concerned, I can not officially retire until you and I have ONE LAST MATCH. So whaddya say, Strat, old pal? Assuming the IWF officials allow it, I say we do this on Wednesday. If you beat me, I retire quietly. I beat you, you come out and state what an ass you are and publicly apologize for stabbing me in the back. Kapeesh, jerkey?
STRATUS: You got it, big man! But you gotta promise to leave me alone after Wednesday Night Odditorioum!
THG: Stratus, after Wednesday Night Odditorium, you’ll never have to see me in a wrestling ring ever again, no matter the outcome.
The OddTron cuts to backstage where last Wednesday’s special guest announcers, N*Sync, are still being chased by President Joe, Commissioner PLP, Django, and practically everyone backstage.
NSYNC: Leave us alone, please! We didn’t do anything! We just announced the matches like we were supposed to!
A large medieval battle hammer is misses Josh’s ear by a millimeter.
JOE: Die, N*Sync! Die!
JUSTIN COHERENT versus JUSTIN MIRACLE
Justin Coherent is first to head to the ring. He comes alone to his theme "Tourettes" and receives boos from the fans. Coherent climbs a corner and poses but no one seems to care. His music stops and Justin Miracle comes walking out, he too is alone and has his stable not out with him. The
Miracle Maker gets some cheers and he is obviously the crowd favorite. Justin Miracle dives in the ring and charges at inCoherent, He hits Justin Coherent with a heavy clothesline and Coherent goes down. Justin C. gets back up slowly but the Miracle Maker kicks him with a stiff right foot. Justin M. grabs for Coherent then whips him into the turnbuckle. Justin Miracle runs at the cornered Coherent and splashes him, he then grabs Coherent and sets him in the tree of woe position. The Miracle Maker dives to the outside of the ring then grabs hold of Coherent by his neck and pulls from behind the turnbuckle, Coherent looks like he is about to have his head ripped off and screams out loud in pain. Justin M finally releases the hold and grabs the crutches from an injured kid in the front row. Justin M. then dives in the ring with the crutches in hand but Justin Coherent grabs him before he is ready and piledrives him. Coherent
then goes up top the turnbuckle while Justin M. is lying on the ground. Justin C. poses for a moment but The Miracle Maker quickly gets to his feet and hits the ropes. Coherent falls from his positioning on the top
turnbuckle landing on his crotch. Miracle then goes up top with Coherent there, he grabs him into the MIRACLEPLEX into the center of the mat. But Justin Miracle doesn’t follow up with the pin, instead he sets the crutches from earlier over the face of Coherent. He cheers to the audience then does his signature GUILLOTINE LEG DROP hitting the crutches into the face of
Coherent. Justin Coherent is busted open and then Justin Miracle goes for
the cover. 1.2.3.
Winner: JUSTIN MIRACLE.
N*Sync is still running away from the IWF crew members. Django slams his stick down twice, and his eyes start to glow. Out of nowhere, a huge hawk with glowing eyes swoops out of the sky (or is it roof?), and catches Fred in the back. Django stops and glares at his prey as Fred’s shoulderblade pours out of his backside and he screams in pain. The rest of Team IWF continues running after the boy band.
”THE KAOTIC KRIPPLER” KYLE KINZERLY versus DIABLO
”Break Stuff” blares over the loudspeakers and Kaotic Krippler Kyle Kinzerly comes out alone. He walks down to the ramp and poses as fireworks shoot behind him, but the lights all go out in the arena. You can hear banging and clashing sounds then the lights finally return. Diablo whips a bloody KKKK
into the steel steps. Diablo then reaches under the ring and slides out a table. He sets the thing up right at the edge of the ring. The Kaotic Krippler has enough time though to react, Diablo reaches down to pick him up, but KKKK low blows him. The Kaotic Krippler then grabs hold of his head and hits him with a swinging neckbreaker. Diablo quickly gets to his feet from the move, but KKKK grabs him by his arm then twists it out to the side. KKKK holding Diablos arm then hook kicks him to the side of his head. Diablo
falls back and leans on the table. The Kaotic Krippler slides him fully on the table and makes sure he is aligned well then crawls up on the apron. The Kaotic Krippler then slides over on the outside of the ropes and aligns with the table. He grabs hold of his elbow then jumps off the apron and into the
table and Diablo with a leaping elbow. Diablo breaks through the table but The Kaotic Krippler looks hurt too. Both men then lie down for a moment with no movement at all. The referee starts the ten count. 123.45..Diablo staggers up to his feet, Diablo picks up the Krippler and grabs him by his throat for his Chokeslam maneuver, but KKKK smacks him away. The Krippler then leans back and Superkick Diablo to his jaw. Diablo goes down hard and The Krippler gets a chair from the stands. The Krippler folds the steel
weapon and smacks it across the back of Diablo. Diablo gets back up but only to one knee when KKKK smacks the steel chair across his head. The Kaotic Krippler throws down his weapon and grabs hold of Diablo then slides him in the ring. The Kaotic Krippler hops up on the apron then springboard Legdrop
him. Diablo rolls out of the way though and gets pumped up. Diablo starts firing at Kyle with right hands, he hits him several times then holds up his left hand, spits in it. Then smacks KKKK across his face with the spit shined hand. Kaotic Krippler stands a little dazed in the ring, then Diablo fires off the ropes and bulldogs him. Diablo calls for the end and picks KKKK back up. Kaotic Krippler looks finished, but he still has some in him. The Krippler spins Diablo around and Full Nelson Slams him. The Kaotic
Krippler quickly picks Diablo back up and whips him in the corner. The Kaotic one then goes in the corner with him and takes him all the way up to the top rope on the turnbuckle. KKKK hits the KRIPPLED FOR LIFE and Diablo’s body makes one last spasm on the ground before he fully lies down and out cold. The Kaotic Krippler Kyle Kinzerly then hooks Diablo’s leg and goes for
the cover. 12.3.
Winner: ”THE KAOTIC KRIPPLER” KYLE KINZERLY.
PLP: Thar’s no reason fer yer little whelps ter run from us! We’ll get yer in the end! Aargh!
Pete signals to a little group of homeless people that he dressed up as pirates, and they pull on a mighty series of backstage strings, opening a large hole right in the middle of the hallway floor. All of N*Sync jump over it, save Greg, who falls in.
GREG: Oh, good Lord! There’s something nibbling at my foot! Now my leg! Aaaah! Are these piranhas?
Joe and Pete stop.
JOE: Pete, when did you have the pit of piranhas installed?
PLP: Oh, that old thing? That thar’s been here since the day we moved in.
JOE: Funny, I never noticed the damn thing before.
SHOWTIME SHAWN MARSHALL versus THE NEW ENFORCER TRAVIS CASH
Travis Cash waits in the ring corner as "take back the power" plays over the PA system and one half the elite comes out. Showtime Shawn Marshall poses at the entrance and the fans love him. Shawn Marshall is not accompanied by his tag partner but the lovely Alexis is at his side. Marshall hops up on the apron then flips over the ropes to get in. The New Enforcer tries to attack him before he is ready, but Marshall drop toe holds him. Travis Cash pops right back up and a little frustrated but Shawn Marshall Superkicks him to the side of his head sending him back down. And this time he is not so quick to get up. Shawn Marshall picks Cash back up to his feet and just starts to show off, Shawn Marshall grabs Travis "Broken Bones Rules" shirt and flips it over his head so he cant see. Shawn then grabs his tights and wedgies him enormously. The New Enforcer Travis Cash looks like some type of bum, he has his shirt covering his head and pants pulled up. Shawn Marshall goes up to a turnbuckle and Travis Cash is
blinded. Cash staggers around the ring trying to hit or at least find Shawn. Travis walks over to the same corner Shawn Marshall is in. Showtime grabs him by his head and tornado DDTs him. The New Enforcers body takes a big bump and his shirt flips back to the right side. Showtime doesnt look a bit worried with him though. Shawn Marshall walks over to the camera ad starts trash talking, he then flexes but Travis comes up from behind. The New Enforcer grabs him and rolls him up in a school boy pin, but Shawn kicks out in less than a 1 count. Marshall looks a little pissed and grabs Travis Cash by his head. Shawn smashes the skull of Travis into the turnbuckle padding then double underhooks his two arms. The fans all know what is coming and they get it. Showtime hits THE FINISHER on Travis Cash and goes for the pin.
1.23.
Winner: SHOWTIME SHAWN MARSHALL.
The remaining three members of N*Sync run into a non-specific room, trying to hide from their pursuers. They walk inside, and several candles are lit, essences coming out.
NSYNC: Mmm… this smells very nice!
Joe and Pete run up to the door of the room they went into.
JOE: Pete, wait!
PLP: Aargh! Why?
JOE: That’s my… special room.
PLP: What do yer mean?
JOE: Well, I go in there when I’m feeling really… depressed. You know. Special room?
PLP: Oh. I guess we’ll just wait out here for a while, then.
JOE: I’ve got just the thing for when they do come out.
CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER versus ROCK VEGAS AND POLARIS
Nirvana’s “Tourettes” plays, and out walks the tag team of Clear and Present Danger, Justin Coherent and World Champion Country Mike. They get no crowd reaction at all, as usual, with the exception of random fan shouts of, “Loose the gold!” Then, AC/DC’s “For Those About To Rock” plays, and out comes Rock Vegas, who poses underneath the OddTron with all his hooches dancing around him. He walks casually to the ring, and climbs inside. Coherent runs at Rock immediately, but Vegas catches him and hits a samoan drop. He stands up, and is about to pick Justin up, when he is caught by a dropkick to the back of the knee from Country Mike. Mike gets a camel clutch on Rock, and Vegas screams in pain. Then, Beastie Boys “Intergalactic” plays, mist sprays from the entrance, and out runs Polaris to help his unwanted partner! Coherent is up and tries to stop Polaris, but gets caught by a drop toehold, his face landing in the ropes. Mike is distracted in watching Polaris beat up his tag partner, and is flipped over into a rear chinlock by Rock Vegas, who applies as much pressure as he can. Polaris and Rock look at each other, not exchanging words, as if to say “thank you”, but they both get caught by low blows from behind by the respective members of Clear and Present Danger. Mike hits a mighty uppercut to Vegas, which lands in his crotch, making the Vegas hooches hide their eyes. Coherent springs off the ropes and knocks Rock out of the ring with a mighty clothesline, and keeps bouncing as he takes down Polaris with a spear. He picks up the World champ, and powerbombs his own partner onto Polaris! Mike has the cover… 1… 2… no! One of the hooches just pulled the referee out! But now Vegas is back in the ring, he turns Justin Coherent around, and hits the SIN CITY SUPLEX! Rock helps Polaris to his feet. Polaris picks up the fat redneck midget and hits the FROZEN BLOOD on him! Coherent stands up and starts to charge at them with a double clothesline, but Polaris and Rock reverse it into a DOUBLE SPINEBUSTER! Rock gets the cover… 1… 2… 3!
Winners: ROCK VEGAS AND POLARIS.
PIKACHU: Pika pi!
ULTIMO: Ultimo!
PIKACHU: Pikachu!
ULTIMO: Ultimo!
PIKACHU: Pika pika pi!
ULTIMO: Ulti ulti ult!
AUDIENCE: Look! Ultimo and Pikachu are about to fight each other! Yaay!
IWF KICK ASS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
KODIAK versus BLAZE
”Smells Like Teen Spirit” hits, and out comes the IWF Kick Ass Champ, Kodiak, golden strap shining and audience screaming. He goes into the ring, and waits for his rematch defending the Kick Ass Title. “Wait and Bleed” plays, and the large burning B appears on the OddTron. Out comes the fiery one, Blaze. He poses, and fire erupts all around him, from the entryway to the turnbuckles. He goes into the ring, and and dodges out of the way of a charging Kodiak. Blaze goes for a right blow, which is blocked, then a left blow, which is also blocked. Kodiak hits Blaze with a double underhook belly-to-belly suplex. He bounces backward against the ropes, goes for a legdrop, but Blaze moves and hits a low dropkick on the champ. Kodiak sets up Blaze to catapault him, and he does so, crowd cheering loudly. He points to the turnbuckle, and sets the fiery one up for a superplex, but Blaze kicks Kodiak in the stomach, picks him up onto the turnbuckle with him, and hits the FLAME ON! The audience boos as he gets the 1… 2… 3!
Winner: BLAZE.
The door to President Joe’s “Special Room” opens, and out walk N*Sync, stoned to the gills, and right into Joe and Pete. Joe shouts.
JOE: Now!
Joe and PLP turn on the firehoses they’re carrying, and out comes a red-orange liquid. What is that? Oh my goodness, the President and Commissioner are absolutely dousing the three remaining members of N*Sync in hot sauce!
NSYNC: Oh, our eyes!
PLP: Aargh! Teach you whippersnappers not to die on our show! We’re the IWF, who’s gonna die tonight?
IWF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
COUNTRY MIKE versus DAZZMOND
”Keep Away” by Godsmack plays, and out comes Killer Instinx KC Kornell, here to be the special guest ref, clad all in black and white stripes. ”Folson Prison Blues” comes on, and out comes the weary Country Mike, who’s still apparently in pain from the Frozen Blood he took earlier from Polaris. A large bottle flies out of the air and hits Mike in the head. The midget lies bleeding on the ground, right in the middle of the entry ramp. But what is this? Oh no! Dazzmond’s driving that white Mercedes down the ramp! Does he know that Mike is lying in the middle of it? If he does know, does he care? Luckily for Mike, he stops the car and exits. Picking up Country Mike and slinging him over his shoulder like a large sack of potatoes, he walks to the ring and enters, putting Mike down with minimal regard to the midget’s health. Dazzmond gets up onto the turnbuckle, waits for a moment, and hits nothing other than the SIMPLY DAZZLING! He goes for the pin. Kornell counts… 1… 2… no! Mike kicked out! Mike actually kicked out! Dazzmond looks annoyed and picks the midget up again, throws him into the rops, and hits a U-BOAT! Dazzmond gets the cover, yet again. 1… 2… another incredible kick out. Dazzmond is looking noticably irritated, and is getting fed up with not being able to pin the semi-unconscious midget. He positions himself, looks at the booing crowd, pulls off his elbow pad, throws it into the crowd (who throw it back), runs into the ropes, jumps over Country Mike, runs back, and hits none other than the GERMAN’S ELBOW! 1… 2… nope! Still, Dazzmond can’t seem to get the pin on the champ. The little guy must be made of stronger stuff than he looks. Dazzmond picks up Mike, both men red in the face, and hits a TECHNO-DROP! The audience thinks he’s going for the pin again, but he hits another TECHNO-DROP and another… and another! He points at something to Mica, his valet, and she throws a steel chair into the ring. Dazzmond picks up the champ again, and does the very last TECHNO-DROP onto Mike… onto the chair. Dazzmond puts his foot on Mike’s chest, which is so small that Dazz’s toes end at Mike’s chin. 1… 2… 3! New champion! Special guest referee Killer Instinx KC Kornell raises Dazzmond’s hand and is about to present him with the championship, when he suddenly clocks the German with the title! Kornell runs out of the ring with the belt, and a bloody and frustrated Dazzmond starts to hobble out of the ring, but is caughty in the chin by a monstrous bearhug from Country Mike, who is just barely regaining consciousness.
Winner: DAZZMOND.
Everyone is out of the ring, Pikachu and Ultimo are now in it. They are pacing around each other like hungry sloths.
PIKACHU: Pika! Pikachu! Piki pika pika Pikachu!
ULTIMO: Ulllllllllltimo! Ulti ulti ulti Ultimo!
Ultimo Dragon starts to glow and become just a shining silhouette of his former shape. The audience gasps.
AUDIENCE: Look! Ultimo Dragon is evolving into ULTIMOR DRAGON! Yaay!
Ultimor Dragon picks up the yellow rodent, puts it in between his teeth, and bites down hard, slimy green Pokémon blood dripping down his chin. Damn, I love this federation.
