ULTIMO: Binto pon du X-Tremity!
AUDIENCE: Yaay!
ULTIMO: Puto maca bron hut hut President a bo Commish!
PRESIDENT SEŃOR JOE versus COMMISSIONER PEG LEGGED PETE
“Ariba” plays, and out comes the President Joe to a nice pop. The fans chant “Damn, that’s odd!” for the prez, and he’s enjoying every minute of it. Then, Commissioner Peg Legged Pete comes out to “Yo Ho” and the fans are singing along. Pete spits on Joe and starts to cackle, but is only met by a mighty TACOKICK! Joe is in his essence, and starts parading around the ring like Hulk Hogan, but is only met by a low blow. Pete throws Joe into the corner, and the prez hits so hard, he slides down onto his rear end. Peg Legged Pete gives the signal… this is it… he’s going for the CANNONBALL! But no, President Joe got his foot up! Pete is holding his crabs in the center of the ring, and that gives the president the perfect opportunity for the BURRITOSAULT! Joe gets the cover… 1… 2… 3! President Joe is announcing with Ultimo tonight! But what’s this? Peg Legged Pete is standing up and is asking for a mic!
PLP: Aargh! The only reason yer won this one, Joe, was because of the fact that thar wrote the darned thing! Aargh! I want a rematch sometime in the near future!
Winner: PRESIDENT SEŃOR JOE.
Ultimo is picking his nose.
JOE: Ultimo, it’s a pleasure… to work with… you.
ULTIMO: Da.
Ultimo offers to shake hands with the president with the hand he was just using. Joe declines.
JOE: So… now what do we do?
ULTIMO: Buto?
JOE: Buto? What’s a buto?
ULTIMO: Binjihara, Joe San!
IWF WOMEN'S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
ALEXIS versus MARIE DAWN versus MICA (Dazzmond’s Chick)
The three babes all wait in their corners as the ref. checks to makes sure no one has any hidden weapons. Marie Dawn is in a neckbrace from what was done to her by Dazzmond so she could be looking for pay back in his valet, but then again there is no love loss between her and Alexis. The bell starts and Dazzmond’s chick runs at Alexis with a bad spear. Both ladies fall to the ground and Alexis rolls over on her and grabs her by the hair then repeatedly smashes her head into the mat. Marie Dawn though doesn’t even try to get in the fight, she goes over to one of the corners and just sits there. Dazzmond’s girl places both her legs on Alexis who is still on her then kicks her off. Alexis gets back up and then Dazzmond’s valet slaps her across her left cheek. Alexis grabs her face then slaps the other girl across her right cheek! The two start slapping each other in the ring, when finally Marie Dawn gets up. Marie walks over and grabs Alexis in a full nelson. Dazzmond’s chick drops to a knee and low blows Alexis but also ends up hitting Marie too. Both the girls mad with Dazzmond’s valet, grab her. Alexis sets her in a powerbomb position by having her head between her legs and then Marie Dawn walks over to her behind. Marie pulls up the girl’s skirt revealing her thong then starts to slap the valet on her ass. Marie slaps her repeated times and the audience erupts in cheers. Marie then stops the slapping and poses by rubbing her body for the fans. Alexis mad that she is stealing the spotlight throws Dazzmond valet out of her path then grabs Marie by her shirt. She tries to pull her closer to her, but Marie doesn’t budge, instead Alexis tears the shirt right off Marie’s back. Marie then looks stunned and rips the straps off Alexis’ dress. Dazzmond’s girl gets to her feet and neither of the others seem to notice, She reaches at Alexis and tears off her bra. Alexis screams and tries to cover herself, the fans get louder and then the embarrassed Alexis runs out of the ring backstage. Marie Dawn then reaches for Dazzmond’s valet, but she runs away trying to escape her. They each slide out of the ring and then chase off into the backstage area. The fans are left disappointed and then the ref. starts to count the girls out. The referee stands at the ropes and shouts the numbers, no girl gets back in the ten count so he calls it a triple count out.
Winner: COUNT OUT.
JOE: That was… possibly the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. So much for the Women's Title. G-d, we need more of those matches.
ULTIMO: Shinjiri!
IWF JOBBER HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
HEAVY METAL versus JOE OF THE FOREST
“George of the Jungle” plays, and out comes Joe to no pop. Then “Enter Sandman” plays, and out comes the fat bastard of IWF, Heavy Metal, who’s playing and singing along with the song. Joe hits him with a surprise slingshot body press. Metal stands up kicks Joe in the kidneys, and hits a SAMOAN DROP! Joe gets back up, and goes for a DDT, but can’t get Heavy Metal to bend over, instead runs up the staircase behind the OddTron. Metal, being the fatass, waddles after him. They climb up the ladder, Metal making the steel rungs sink lower then they already are. Finally, the fans have followed the two up to the rafters! Oh my goodness! Isn’t Joe of the Forest’s move a powerbomb off the rafters? Metal runs at Joe, but stops about five feet away to catch his breath. Joe sets up Metal, and then actually hits none other than his special move, the POWERBOMB OFF THE RAFTERS… after a couple of tries. The one problem is that Joe fell with Metal. Both men lie in the ring, not moving. A bunch of EMTs come out and tend to Joe and Metal.
Winner: BOTH IN CRITICAL CONDITION.
ULTIMO: Whoa!
JOE: So much for the Jobber title, too. Well, it was pretty dumb anyhow. Maybe the Kick Ass Title will have a little more… spunk than the Jobber title.
IWF KICK ASS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD MINI-TOURNEY
POLARIS versus ROCK VEGAS
"Intergalactic" plays over the PA system. Polaris, the masked man of IWF walks out to the ramp. He heads to the ring until he spots a sign saying. "send Polaris back to the North Pole. HE SUCKS!" Polaris grabs the sign from the man and tears the thing to shreds, and then stomps on the pieces, while he is even thinking about his match Rock Vegas comes running out the entrance. Vegas nails Polaris from behind with a forearm smash, Polaris falls to the ground and Vegas starts to stomp at his chest. Vegas hits him twice and then Polaris grabs his foot the third time. Polaris slides his foot to the side and then dragon leg corkscrews Vegas into the ramp. Polaris picks Vegas back up and grabs him by his wrist, he then Irish whips him back first into the side of the ring. Polaris runs to Rock and does a rolling wheel kick, but Vegas moves out of the way. Polaris’ legs hit the ring then he falls down to the ground and Vegas drops an elbow. Vegas picks Polaris back up and rolls him in the ring, then following him in he gets up to the ring apron, but Polaris is up to his feet, Polaris hits Vegas in his face with an elbow strike, but Rock Vegas then knees him through the ropes and grabbing hold of his body, sunset flips over the ropes for a pin. 1… 2… kick out. Polaris hops back to his feet and starts to kick Vegas, he fires with a weak strike to his left knee then right kick to his left ab, then a spinning heel kick to his face. Rock Vegas fall back into the corner and Polaris grabs him. Polaris climbs up on the top rope and calls for a frankensteiner, but Vegas blocks it! Rock Vegas grabs hold of Polaris and powerbombs him. Vegas then goes up on the turnbuckle himself. He taunts and then leaps off for a flying elbow. But nobody is home, Polaris gets up and grabs Rock Vegas by his head, then using the corner hits the ICE PICK on him. Polaris then goes back up top and calls for his own Flying Elbow, The POLAR EXPRESS. But Rock Vegas is way on the other side of the ring, he couldn’t make this kind of distance. Polaris jumps and with enormous air and distance nails Rock Vegas. He follows up with a pin.1…2…3.
Winner: POLARIS.
IWF KICK ASS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD MINI-TOURNEY
DAZZMOND versus BLAZE
Dazzmond along with all his ladies wait in the ring when the lights go out and a burning B stands out. Blaze walks down the entranceway with his game face on, he ignores everything and just dives straight in to get this fight on. Dazzmond slips the finger to Blaze, but he just slaps his hand away then grabs him by the head and does an EVENFLOW DDT to Dazzmond. Dazzmond lies knocked out on the mat and Blaze covers him. This could be a quick match, 1…2…Dazzmond gets an arm up, just moments before the three. Blaze doesn’t lose his cool though, he picks Dazzmond back up and kicks him in his gut, he then goes off the far rope and hits a standing guillotine leg drop on the head of Dazzmond. Blaze picks him up again, and this time goes for an Irish Whip off the ropes, but Dazzmond reverses it. Dazzmond hangs on to the wrist then pulls Blaze into him and nails him with a powerhouse clothesline. Dazzmond gets momentum in his corner, then picks Blaze right back up. He grabs him and TECHNO-DROPS him! Dazzmond then kicks the lying Blaze and starts up the GERMAN'S ELBOW!! He runs off one rope, jumps over the body of Blaze to the other rope, but wait. Stratus is on the apron with a chair in his hand. As Dazzmond runs to the rope He nails him over his head. Dazzmond falls down and the referee didn’t see what happened. Shirlene had distracted him, Blaze then gets hold of Dazzmond and throws him into the corner, he hits the FLAME ON and this match is done. Shirlene releases the referee and he counts, 1…2…3.
Winner: BLAZE.
Dazzmond grabs the microphone from Ultimo Dragon and screams angrily into it.
DAZZMOND: You know something, you unworthy, garbage Americaners? I threw away a promising career in the BWA and EHW to come here to IWF, and how am I repayed? By jobbing to some half-lifes? I can’t stand much more of this, and in the future you will see exactly what I’m talking about! Now hit my music!
Dazzmond leaves.
JOE: What an ass. It is kind of sad that I hand picked him out of several. Sheesh.
ULTIMO: Flaaflin! Vintrona!
JOE: Do you do anything else?
ULTIMO: Dipurda?
IWF KICK ASS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD MINI-TOURNEY
KODIAK versus BLAZE
Nirvana’s "Smells Like Teen Spirit" plays and the fans al rise to their feet. The hot tempered Kodiak comes out and runs straight to the ring. He poses for the audience and they cheer loudly, but the music then changes and "Whoa" blares over the loudspeakers. The fans cheer once again, and we have face against face action. Blaze runs up on the apron then flips over the ropes into the ring. Blaze and Kodiak immediately get the fight on, Blaze fires at Kodiak with repeated right hands, until Kodiak smacks him across his face then brings him down to the mat with a jawbreaker. Blaze pops right back up to his feet, Kodiak runs at him, but Blaze hooks his arm and throws him down to the mat. Kodiak gets back up to his feet and Blaze SPINNING HEEL KICKS him. Kodiak is knocked to the outside of the ring, and Blaze shortly follows. Blaze runs to the top turnbuckle and then jumps at Kodiak in a body splash, but the powerhouse Kodiak catches him in mid air. Kodiak starts to squeeze on the body of Blaze in a GIANT BEAR HUG. Blaze starts to gasp for breath and his arms waive desperately in the air. Blaze after a moment slouches down in Kodiak’s arm looking knocked out. The ref. comes over and lifts his arm to see if he can react or if he must call for the bell. Blaze though does get his senses back. The fans rally behind him and he uses his two arms to smash into the head of Kodiak. He hits him in the ears with each simultaneously about three times, then Kodiak finally releases him. Blaze low blows Kodiak then whips him into the steel steps. Blaze reaches under the ring and grabs hold of a vase, why the hell that was there, who knows. After all we do define oddness. Blaze walks over to the dazed Kodiak then breaks the vase over his head. The vase shatters to pieces and Kodiak falls to his knees. Blaze then cheers and looks to the fans for support. He grabs picks Kodiak back up for a piledriver, but Kodiak reverses it. Kodiak piledrives Blaze into the ground. Kodiak then dripping with blood, picks Blaze back up and rolls him in the ring. Kodiak follows him in and waits in the corner in a crouched position. Blaze not aware of what is going on slowly and painfully gets to his feet, he turns around to see where Kodiak is, but it’s to late. Kodiak immediately hits Blaze with an enormous SPEAR as he turns around. Kodiak picks Blaze back up and then slams him back down in the PREDATORIAL. He then hooks his leg and goes for the pin.1…2….3.
Winner: KODIAK.
IWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS OF THE WORLD
CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER versus THE ELITE versus TOTAL KAOS
”Take Back the Power” by Rage Against the Machine plays, and out walk Showtime Shawn Marshall and Justin Miracle with the battered and reddened Alexis. They pose briefly and then run into the ring, where the fans chant their names. Then, Creed’s “My Own Prison” hits, and out come Total Kaos, the newest tag team in IWF today! They run into the ring, Hardcore Sykes backflipping down the ramp as he goes. Then, “Tourettes” by Nirvana plays, and out come everyone’s favorite team to disregard - Justin Coherent and Country Mike – Clear and Present Danger! The fans receive them with a warming rain of beer cans. Mike and Justin walk down the ramp, seemingly unaware of this situation. Mike slides into the ring, and is automatically nailed with a ELITE SPIKE. Mike rolls out of the ring, clutching his head. What's this? The Elite are retreating into the corner of the ring! They're letting Total Kaos do the dirty work! Sykes throws Coherent into the ropes, lands a drop toehold, and then Kinzerly hits the mumbler in the head with a low dropkick, making Justin's face stretch back in ways never intended. "The Kaotic Krippler" gets onto the turnbuckle, and is launched by his partner onto Coherent, and gets the 1... 2... 3. Clear and Present Danger are eliminated! What's this? Marshall just tapped Sykes on the shoulder, and hit him with a Death Valley Driver! Kinzerly just got a full nelson slam on Miracle! He stands up and goes for the cover, but is only caught by a superkick from Showtime! Marshall helps Miracle stand up, and together they pick up Hardcore Sykes and hit the PSYCHO JUSTICE! Kinzerly gets back up, tries to clothesline Miracle, but Miracle reverses it, and they do yet another PSYCHO JUSTICE! Justin Miracle gets the cover... 1... 2... 3! Justin Coherent and Country Mike rush into the ring and hit the MUMBLE BOMB on the new tag team champs, and then a very angry Total Kaos hits a KAOTIC ELIMINATION on the midget! The Elite walk away holding the tag team championships high and proud.
Winners: THE ELITE
ULTIMO: Elite! Elite! Corigi mototba nikiosku!
JOE: Is there any rhyme or reason to what he says? Is there a reason why we're paying him to come out here and babbly in Japanese? Anyhow, fans, the winner of this match will face Polaris in the next match for the Kick Ass Title.
IWF KICK ASS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD MINI-TOURNEY SEMI-FINALS
BLAZE versus KODIAK
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" plays, and the fans erupt for the man known as Kodiak. He runs into the ring, his huge pop coming in all around him. Then, "Whoa" by Black Rob comes on, and the large blazing B comes into the center of the OddTron. The arena erupts into flames, and out comes the fiery one, Blaze! He runs into the ring, charges madly at Kodiak, and is caught by a drop toehold that sends him face-first into the bottom turnbuckle. He gets up and takes down Kodiak with a lariat. Both men retreat to their respective corners, as if to re-think their strategies. Finally, Blaze comes to the center of the ring, and so does Kodiak, but Kodiak breaks into a run mid-way and catches Blaze off guard with a spear that drives the crowd insane! Kodiak picks up Blaze, picks him up, and puts him in the BEAR HUG! Blaze doesn't seem like it bothers him at first, but then he submits!
Winner: KODIAK.
JOE: Whoa, Kodiak just won the right to face Polaris for the Kick Ass Championship, but Polaris is coming out now! Kodiak doesn't have a moment to breathe!
IWF KICK ASS HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD MINI-TOURNEY FINALS
KODIAK versus POLARIS
Kodiak is breathing hard in the ring, and Blaze is just leaving, when "Intergalactic" plays, and out runs Polaris for the second time tonight. Kodiak and Polaris lock it up, and Kodiak gets a suplex in. Polaris hits the FROZEN BLOOD, but Kodiak just stands right up. Polaris hits the DARK HORIZON DDT, but his opponent remains undamaged, and keeps getting up. Kodiak puts Polaris in the BEARHUG, and Polaris screams in pain. Finally, after Kodiak realizes that he's not going to get Polaris to submit, he slams him down in a backbreaker. But Polaris turned out to be playing raccoon, as he hit Kodiak with a legsweep. Polaris went quickly to the turnbuckle, climbs, and hit an incredible POLAR EXPRESS from the completely opposite side of the ring! He goes for the cover... 1... 2... but no! Blaze just pulled out the referee and knocked him on his ass! Polaris waits for the three that never comes, and is suddenly hauled up onto his feet, and taken to the turnbuckle - where Blaze performs the FLAME ON! Blaze throws the ref back inside the ring just as Kodiak's limp form gets his arm on Polaris' chest. 1... 2... 3!
Winner: KODIAK.
ULTIMO: Mitikoko, buddhara ghirdi, sachi hentai!
JOE: Ultimo... is there a way I could get you NOT to talk? Well, fans, we've just crowned a brand new IWF Kick Ass Champ right here, and his name is Kodiak! Next up is the big one... the grand kahones, the king kameahmeah of professional sports, the MAIN EVENT!
ULTIMO: Motokoba!
JOE: Whoa, that just ruined the moment.
IWF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
STRATUS versus JUSTIN SANE
Bush's "Machinehead" plays, the lights go out and then come back on, and Stratus and Shirlene are in the ring, the § symbol shining brightly on the OddTron. Then, "Human That Human" hits, and out comes Justin Sane with Marie Dawn. The fans chant a mix between "You suck dick" and "Suck my dick", but the general message is clear. Sane rolls into the ring, and is caught by a REVERSE DVD. Stratus gets a very cocky pin, gets 1... 2... 3! Stratus is the first World Champion! Justin Sane leaves the arena, dumbfounded that he lost such an important match so quickly. What's this? That's a Mercedes driving down the ramp! It's Dazzmond! We knew he was pissed, but not this pissed! The Mercedes drives at least 25 down that small ramp, and completely runs over Justin Sane - probably killing him. No one really cares, though, because he just lost in an excruciatingly pitiful match. His body lays crumpled in a heap somewhere in the back, and the fans cheer. Dazzmond crashes head first into the ring, making a shitload of the arena rumble. Dazz steps out of the car, and grabs a mic.
DAZZ: I told you puny infidels that I was serious! I will do anything - and my reign of perfection and natural selection begins here and now... WITH YOU, STRATUS! So what do you say, Strat? Put that title up on the line against the Dazzer?
Suddenly, a song that sounds like Al Snow's old theme, "Head", but with the word "Beer" instead plays, and out wobbles a monster of a man. He grabs the mic and shouts into it.
MAN: Ladies... ladies... ladies and gentlemen... I am... here... to be... your next champion! I... am... Al Koholik! And little fuzzy man, if... you're gonna fight Stratus for the title, then I wanna fight, too!
But what's this? Now President Joe is up in the ring with these odd assortment of men!
JOE: Gentlemen, gentlemen, you can't just sign your own damned matches! Sure, if you want a title shot, I'll give it to you on Wednesday, maybe!
Stratus grabs Joe, throws him into the ropes, and Dazzmond lands the U-BOAT on him! The match begins!
IWF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD
STRATUS versus AL KOHOLIK versus DAZZMOND
Al jabs Stratus in the head, but gets a dropkick in the back from Dazz. Dazzmond's more fired up than he's ever been, and he's seeing red. He picks up Stratus and hurls him into the ropes, taking him down with a hurricarrana. Dazz then picks up Al, only to get a mighty move that he calls DRINK THIS on Dazzmond, which certainly slows the German down a bit. But there's Stratus again! He comes in and hits a chokeslam on the big man! All three men are layed out in the middle of the ring and seemingly can't move. Finally, they start to get up, a little wearily, and start beating on each other. But what in G-d's name is this? Who's that coming out of the audience? Oh my lord, it's none other than former EHW superstar, Killer Instinx KC Kornell! What the hell is he doing here? He runs into the ring, hits a KILLER SUPLEX on Al, a KORNELL KICK on Stratus, but is taken down by a TECHNO-DROP! All members of this impromtu match are now completely layed out! But no, they're getting up. Each member is charging at the other! Each member just hit another respective member with a clothesline! Everyone's down! Everyone's arm is on everyone's chest! Everyone's covered AND covering! The ref, confused, counts... 1... 2... 3! Who the hell is the champ? Good night, everyone!
Winner: DAMNED IF I KNOW!!!
The OFFICIAL IWF List of PPVs Judgement Day - January Betrayal - February Body Count - March X-Tremity - April Gutwrench - May Genocide - June Checkmate - July Stalker's Game - August DeathZone - September Dawg Pound - October Hazard Risk - November The OddBowl - December
