In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero…
She was Chyna, a she-male forged in the heat of low blows. The power, the passion, the DANGER…her courage will ultimately piss everybody off…
And Chyna, being a very mighty Warrior Princess, had a very mighty sidekick…
Hunter Hearst Helmsley, pretty boy with nice hair…
And so begins the first chapter of…
CHYNA: WARRIOR PRINCESS!!
Our story begins with the Warrior Princess praying in the temple of Sable, goddess of Silicon, and HHH keeping an eye out for trouble. Suddenly, out of nowhere, leapt from the bushes the terrifying banshee Debra, wielding her big nasty sword and screaming something scary.
"You, Fabio…where is that stupid bitch Chyna: Warrior Princess?!" Debra screeched at Hunter rather nastily, raising her blade and adjusting her leather wonder bra in anguish. Hunter pulled out his super sword and screamed at Debra…
"Why do you seek the Warrior Princess foul crone??"
"Because, my master has sent for her, and I must obey him!" Screamed Debra, stomping her leather clad foot on the ground.
"Who do you serve wench?" Hunter spat at the blond harpy, getting a little annoyed.
"Jeff Jarrett, lord of the kingdom of…"
Just as Debra was about to tell Hunter of Jeff’s whereabouts, Chyna sprung from the temple of Sable and punched poor old Debra in the head. She tumbled to the ground.
"Who are you bitch?" Snarled Chyna, boot kicking Debbie in the guts.
"You MUST go to my master Jeff!" Hacked Debra, rolling around on the dusty ground. "He holds the secret of…your long lost brother!"
Chyna gasped at this revelation. Could it be true?? Could Chyna have a long lost sibling? Who could it be?
Just as she was about to ask Debra where the Jarrett kingdom lie, she disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"We must find the kingdom of Jeff Jarrett, HHH." Said Chyna. "I must find out the identity of my long lost brother…"
***
Chyna and Hunter traveled all day, and finally reached a small tavern, which they entered. It was a drunken little affair, with this bald warrior dude drenching himself with beer and trying to dance with the belly dancer on the table. Eventually he fell off, and slammed into the Warrior Princess Chyna.
"Scuse me sir…" Slurred the bald dude, staggering into Hunter. "Pardon ME madam…"
Chyna disregarded him and threw him into the bar, where he broke a hell of a lot of bottles. He once again rolled onto the floor.
"HEYYYYY…" Said the warrior. "Nobody touk-shes Shtone Cold Shteve Aushtine…" He staggered onto his bar stool, and fell onto his ass.
"Heyyyy….I think I’ve thourght ovf a noo move…"
"Gimmee a Budweiser." Chyna muttered to the small looking bar keep. "What kingdom is this??"
"The kingdom of Ass." Said the bar keeper. "We’re at war at the moment with the kingdom of D-Generates. Our lord, Billy Gunn, got pissed off with their lord, Road Dogg. Then it just turned into this huge thing."
"Where does Jeff Jarrett live?" Asked Hunter.
"Jarrett? That little piss weak bastard?" Muttered the bar keep. "He and that banshee witch of his live in a cave up the road. He comes down here, gets pissed and wrestles with Steve Austin in our exclusive mud baths. Would YOU like a mud bath?"
"No." Muttered Chyna. "Well…maybe a quick one. HHH, go find Jeff and beat the living shit out of him."
"But why, Warrior Princess?"
"Because this story needs some frikkin action. RIGHT NOW."
***
Hunter ran down the road, when a tattered guy with long blond hair and a puffy shirt fell into his path.
"Helpppp meeeee…" Groaned the poor dude. "I’m Christian, and the Undertaker is REALLY pissed off at the moment."
"You mean…" Gasped Hunter.
"Yessss." Moaned Christian. "Judgement day has arrived…’Taker had freed the Titans!"
Chyna, Hunter, Christian and a drunken Stone Cold charged into Jeff’s cave, to find him attached to a crucifix with a cheap Socko imitation in his mouth, and Debra was not to be seen. Chyna ripped off his gag and screamed:
"What happened and who the fuck is my brother?!"
"Oooohhh, my headdd." Groaned Jeff. "They took my woman…ahhhhh…"
Chyna sighed, and smacked him in the head, knocking him cold. She then turned to Christian.
"Wait a minute…who the hell are you, and why are you all of the sudden hanging around?"
"I’m Christian, ex-Ministry dweller who has fled for my life after ‘Taker got pissed off at me because I let Road Dogg get away in a battle and was going to throw me in the demon pit. I told you that six times."
"Oh yeah." Said Chyna. She spun around and looked at Steve
"Annddd…who are you?"
"Shtone Cold Shteve Aushtine…I like beer."
"Oh…and you?"
"Your sidekick…" Muttered Hunter.
"Ok, now that’s all sorted out let’s go and whoop some ‘Taker ass. To the D-Generate kingdom!" Yelled Chyna, running towards the mountains screaming her war cry…
"Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!"
"Waittt…" Groaned Jeff. "Take me with you!" He slid from the crucifix and attached himself to Christian’s leg. "If you leave me here…I’ll die…"
"If you don’t let go of my leg I’ll kill you myself!" Christian yelled, trying to push him off. He kicked him in the head and ran out the cave.
"I’ll give you ALL my treasure…" Groaned Jeff, staggering around the room. HHH’s head peered around the door, a look of interest forming on his face…
***
Edge clambered up the high tree and tried to perch on the highest branch, searching for his brother who had gone missing. Gangrel stood at the base of the tree, keeping an eye out for the rest of the Ministry, hoping that Mideon or Viscera or the Acolytes wouldn’t come strolling by.
"Christian??" Edge called as quietly as possible. "Christian? Where are you bro??"
"Shhhhhh!" Hissed Gangrel. "’Taker is coming! Get down idiot!" Edge spun around, unfortunately forgetting his vulnerable position. He lost his footing, and fell on his ass. He clung to the branch for dear life until he heard a snap, and he plummeted to earth like a rock and landed splat on top of poor old Gangrel.
"Soonnnn." Undertaker said to his self in his eiree kinda way, ignoring the Brood members lying in a crumpled heap on the ground. "The Titans are under my control, and soon, I shall overthrow Vince the Barbarian and destroy all these puny little kingdoms. NOBODY shall stop me. HA HA HA HA!"
And he broke into maniacal laughter, before walking away. But Paul Bearer, the fat ass, came lumbering down towards the tree, wearing nothing but a loose loin cloth. Edge groaned in horror at the disgusting sight and tried to bury his head into the grass, whilst Gangrel leapt up, trying not to grasp his semi crushed back and look like he was just standing there doing nothing, not rolling around in agony with Edge on the ground.
"What are you doing?" Spat Paul, starting to do flabby star jumps. Gangrel winced at the sight of Paul as he went through his yearly exercise routine. "I must look my best for the conquering of Vince and his Corporate kingdom. Piss off."
Gangrel scurried off, dragging Edge behind him.
***
"Who the fuck is this?!" Chyna demanded of hunter as a bedraggled Jeff tumbled form his horse. "This is the ass hole I expressly forbade you to bring along, isn’t it? The fucker who knew nothing about my brother and cares only about that wrinkly blond cow!?"
"Um…yeah." Said Hunter
"Do you want me to rip off ya cock and shove it up ya ass?" Demanded Chyna, as Steve staggered towards them and tripped over Jeff’s form collapsed in the dirt
"Shittt…." Moaned Stone Cold, trying to get up. "I NEED beer! I need a Steveweiser! Gimme a STEVEWEISER!!!!!. Fuck, I’m so hungover! I usually avoid hangovers by staying drunk."
Chyna stood there for a moment, before punching Steve in the balls. It’s a LOW BLOW!!!
Stone cold grasped at his nuts as Chyna then flew into a mad low blow frenzy, spinning around and screaming, fists aiming for ‘grape fruits’. She smashed Jeff up the ass. She headbutted HHH before kicking him in the balls. She turned and went Christian, but Christian fled. Round and round Chyna chased the very unfortunate Brood Dude, until a horse charged up, carrying a very special ‘outlaw’…
Lord Billy Gunn!!!
***
So, our heroes/drunken dude/Ministry fugitive were dragged to Lord Billy Gunn, king of one of the small kingdoms, the Kingdom of Ass. Billy was dressed in a yellow cloak, which he ripped off to reveal his sexy body and yellow Badd Ass shorts. He leapt onto a table and started screaming.
"What the fuck are you dickheads doin here?? You stay outta my lands ya hear! The Ministry is tryin to kill me! My kingdom is in disrepair! Chyna…" He started to sob.
"Hellllpppp meeeee…"
Chyna groaned and gave Billy a low blow. She then turned and started chasing around Billy’s personal guard Brian Christopher and gave him a low blow too. When she was done, she fixed her hair and replied;
"Sorry, I just had to do that. Ok then. But you must come and settle your differences with Lord Road Dogg. It’s the only way to save the world, we must all work together. The D-Generates, the Ass people, the J.O.B Squad, the Roody Poo Clan, the Union…Vince the Barbarian’s followers!"
"Noooo!" Cried Badd Ass. "Not Road Dogg! ANYTHING but Road Dogg! And I’m not too hot about the J.O.B Squad either…" Chyna moved towards his groin with her ever ready fist.
"Ok! We’ll go and chat with Road Dogg…"
***
And so, as it was written, Chyna, HHH, Mr. Ass, Christian, Jeff and a hungover Steve Austin journeyed to the D-Generate Kingdom, fearing for their lives and fearing for their nuts coz Chyna was in a badd mood. And Road Doggy Dogg wasn’t too pleased to see his old bud Billy.
"Why the fuck didya bring this cock to MY palace??" Demanded Jesse Jammes. "Why are all these people all of a sudden at my place?! The strip party isn’t till next week!"
"Can I come?" Steve asked meekly. "Give me some sympathy…I feel like shit and I fell off my bar stool and hurt my ass…"
Road Dogg ignored Austin and continued.
"Like it isn’t bad enough that the Titans are free and Undertaker has gone on a mad rampage! Like it isn’t bad enough that my palace was almost invaded by MARK HENRY last night! Oh noooooo, little miss jacked up bitch Chyna brings this jabronie to my place!"
Chyna looked furious for a moment, then turned and punched Jesse in the balls.
Ok, so after some tough relations, Billy and Road Dogg reached an agreement. They be friends, or have their ‘manhood’ punched in.
And so, Now stronger than ever, Chyna traveled to all the kingdoms, fist at the ready.
Down went Al Snow.
Down toppled the Rock.
Even Mankind fell to her mighty muscular arm.
Al, Rock, Mankind, Kane, X-Pac, Big Show, Droz, D-Lo, Godfather, Test, Shamrock…even Vince, fell to her mighty fist.
Hardcore Holly, Bossman, Blue Meanie, Mosh, Thrasher, Jackie, Sexual Chocolate, Val Venis, the Hardy Boyz…even the king of the gods HBK…fell to her mighty chair.
***
‘Taker sat on his throne, cackling to himself over his evil plans, as Paul Bearer approached, still wearing the loose loincloth over his flabby folds. He started doing star jumps, and singing a little tune.
"I’m just a sexy boy…I’m not ya boy toy, I’m just a sexy boy…"
"Get me the Brood!" Undertaker ordered a frightened Mideon, who was watching Paul Bearer’s exercise routine. He rushed off as quickly as his fat ass would allow him, bringing back with him our favorite vampire and hunter.
"My vampire friends, I’m ordering you to go intercept Chyna and…fang her or something." Said the Undertaker.
"Why us?" Asked Gangrel. "She’ll kill us!"
"I know." Said the Taker, looking very unconcerned. "You see, you’re very dispensable people. And, you’re fuck ups. Christian was a fuck up. He got defeated by Road Dogg, didn’t he? Not only defeated, but had an arrow shot up his ass by X-Pac from the tower. And where is he know, huh?"
"Um, where IS Christian?" Asked Edge timidly.
"Don’t know, don’t care." Muttered the Taker. "He escaped having his head cut off, and if he’s not dead now, he soon will be. Now get, you pathetic little fanged bastards…"
***
But, in a very different place, Vince the Barbarian is in serious trouble, for his heir apparent Shane, the bitchy warrior boy, had become rather power mad, using the Corporation to his advantage by promising them Vince’s lands as a little present. So naturally, they belted the living shit out of poor old Vince, and hung him upside down over a vat of steaming marmalade. What a way to die.
"Helppppp…." Vince groaned, wiggling franticly as his rope slowly burned. But help was on the way, as mighty Chyna backflipped into action, grabbed Vince’s rope as it burned to nothing, swung him rapidly, and threw the barbarian into the wall. He slid down, hacking, his hairy rabbit skin loincloth slipping away from his crotch.
"Vince. I am here…" She said, standing proud and tall.
"Yeah…I noticed…" Groaned Vince, squirming on the ground, as Chyna’s sword chopped through his restraints.
"Trying bondage, huh?" Sighed the Warrior Princess, yanking him up by the hair. "What are you doing here?"
"Shane…" Said Vince. "Shane, he’s a little bitch. He’s got the Corporation under his power. They’re gonna join the Ministry! We’re all doomed!"
"Not yet we’re not!" Said Chyna viciously, as she hitched Vince over her shoulder and charged from the dungeon, her jaw set and her teeth clenched.
***
So, it happened. Shane, and the new improved Corporate Ministry, with their evil Titans, prepared to massacre everyone in the world, and not even HBK could do anything about it. The queen of the gods, Tori, had fallen madly in love with Shane, and was doing his bidding at every turn. The Kingdom of Ass was falling apart from a recent attack from Mark Henry, the D-Generate Kingdom wrecked from the Undertaker shooting missiles at it last Tuesday, the Roody Poo Kingdom wasn’t even a real kingdom, just the Rock and a whole lot of paper cut outs. In short, Chyna was very stressed out, and nobody dare piss her off. The last thing she needed was a vampire and a very nervous hunter stomping up to her and trying to whack her with a block of wood. And that is why Gangrel was flung into a tree.
"I’m sorryyyy…" Gangrel sobbed, as Chyna tied him down to a chair, then tied Edge to a tree. Christian walked up to see what the commotion was, to see his old buddies about to be stabbed in the head with Chyna’s trusty sword.
"Nooo!" Cried Christian. "Don’t kill my bro! Waaaaaa! Don’t kill my brother!"
"This little fucker is your brother?" Muttered Chyna. "And is this ugly little troll your father, is he? Yeah, great family."
"No, no…please don’t kill them!" He fell to his knees and attached himself around Chyna’s muscular leg.
"Oh, alright." Muttered Chyna, kicking him off. She turned and untied them, as an arrow whistled in and landed thunk…
right in Jeff Jarrett’s back.
"Oh shit…" Muttered Chyna.
***
And, the battle ensued. Conveniently, right next to a big pit of mud. Shane leapt upon Vince, and they pummeled into each other, kicking and screaming, Shane pulling hair and scratching at Vince. The reunited Brood attacked Mideon, Viscera and the Acolytes, smashing them with rocks and hunks of wood. Chyna screamed and threw herself at the Undertaker himself, and they rolled into the pit of mud, punching into each other…
Billy Gunn needed a weapon, as the Big Bossman was charging at him, so he grabbed the nearest thing…Road Dogg. He lifted him high, and threw him hard…smashing him into the unwary Bossman. Sure, it stopped him, but it also crushed Road Dogg’s ribs.
And that’s where the problem started, because it reopened old wounds between the D-Generate Kingdom and the Kingdom of Ass.
Road Dogg leapt upon Billy and started kicking him and screaming. Billy Gunn’s guard Brian Christopher grabbed X-Pac by the hair, and with an almighty shove, slammed his head into the ground. Again and again, until Kane grabbed him by the throat and sent him flying like a twig, into two of Mr. Ass’ men, Val Venis and the Godfather. The Headbangers, two of the D-Generate Kingdom’s baddest warriors, grabbed D’Lo and chucked him into the mud pit, while Sexual Chocolate wrenched Road Dogg off his lord, Mr. Ass, and begun to pummel him viciously. The J.O.B Squad weren’t too pleased about that, so they grabbed Billy Gunn, and into the mud he flew, ruining his new yellow cloak.
"Whaddaya doin?" Screeched Chyna. "We’re spose to be fighting them, not each other! Get the Corporate Ministry you fucking dickheads, NOW!"
Then, it happened. HHH turned nasty, and attacked Chyna. They rolled around in the mud, Chyna trying to wrench him off.
"Why Hunter, why?!" Chyna moaned as she pulled out her sword.
"Because." Said Hunter, pulling out his sword. "I don’t like you."
That did it. Chyna grabbed Hunter and started to shove mud in his eye. Hunter retorted with a kick to Chyna’s groin.
"Taste your own medicine BITCH!" Hunter screamed, kicking her groin aggressively. She groaned in pain as he flung her smack bang into a tree, then leapt upon her and slammed her head into a rock. But...
Good old Mankind lumbered to Chyna’s aid, grabbing Hunter and giving him the mandible claw. Stone Cold staggered into the fight, but tripped and fell into the mud. There he found himself eye to eye with a very pissed off Lord of Darkness. Undertaker started to try and drown him in the mud, but Stevie waded away, searching for a Steveweiser…
Then, the Titans arrived, lead by an evil Paul Bearer.
"Yay! Yay!" Cried Shane, hopping up and down in glee. "We win! Yippee! Up yours Vince, your in the mean streets on ancient Greece now! Woooo!"
But HBK had simply had enough. With a sigh, he lifted up his mighty little finger, and sent a fire ball towards the monsters, frying them to a crisp. Shane’s jaw dropped like a draw bridge, all his plans ruined. He turned and tried to hit Shawn, but HBK doesn’t take shit from anyone. With a sigh, he lifted up his finger…and turned Shane into a chicken.
But remember, even though Shane had been neutralized (Although that’s a pretty bloody easy task) Undertaker is still on the loose, no matter how mud encrusted. And he’s god damn pissed off at Chyna, who is wrestling with HHH on the ground. So, the evil Lord of Darkness strode towards the Warrior Princess, and prepared to kill her, that is, until Kane decided he had completely had enough of all this shit and grabbed the Taker, and flung him into a tree…and skewered him onto a particularly sharp branch. And this time, he didn’t mean for his eyes to roll back in his head, coz he’s dead.
Chyna managed to throw Hunter off herself, and prepared to stab him, when something came over her.
"Hunter, whatever happened to us?" She sighed.
"You’re ugly, stupid and bitchy while I’m gorgeous, with lovely hair."
"Yeah, now I know." Said Chyna, raising her sword and stabbing HHH brutally. "Silly me, how could I forget?"
"Yay, Kane saved the day!" Said Vince, jumping up and down happily. "Oh how can I repay you? Taker is dead! Yippee!"
Kane just stood there, as Vince skipped around giggling.
"You…can…shut up." Muttered Kane, shoving Vince away and walking towards the D-Generate Kingdom, conveniently kicking Billy Gunn in the ribs. X-Pac and Road Dogg shrugged and followed, their d-generate buddies close behind.
"Help me…." Hacked Jeff, trying to reach the arrow sticking out of his back. "Oh damn…I’m gonna die, and I don’t even know where Debra went!"
"I do…" Said Steve Austin with a secretive little smile. "We’re sleeping together…"
"Arrrgghhhhh!!!" Screeched Jeff. "I’ll see you in hell!"
"Wait!" Commanded Chyna. "Tell me who my brother is! Tell me you bastard!"
"Oh yeah…" Hacked Jeff. "Your long lost brother is…is…"
"TELL ME FUCKNUT!!!" Chyna screamed, shaking his dying body.
"HHH…" Coughed Jeff…then died.
"Oh shit." Muttered Chyna, staring at Hunter’s bloody dead body. "Oh well. He asked for it."
"What should we do with Shane?" Asked Christian, picking up the squawking fowl.
"Um…I think I should take him." Said Vince, taking the chicken from Christian’s grasp. "Bye bye."
And off he went.
And so, Chyna rode off into the sunset, sidekick and brotherless. But of course, all the characters that died in this story will probably come back, so don’t freak out.
She was Chyna, Warrior Princess.
And she DIDN’T save the day, but who cares.