EPISODE II: RETURN OF THE TAKER.

We all know the sing along, boys and girls. Don't own em. Vince/Titan Sports does. I'll put em back when I'm done. This story contains coarse language, badd for people who don't care for it, yadda yadda yadda. Read at own risk.

In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero…

She was Chyna, a she-male forged in the heat of low blows…the power, the passion…the DANGER…her courage will probably screw everybody.

And, if you may remember in the previous episode of this thrilling series, Chyna was involved in a wee bit of strife with the Undertaker and his demonic Ministry, which had become the Corporate Ministry after Taker and the bitch from Greenwich, Shane formed an unholy alliance. Chyna attempted to force Badd Ass Billy Gunn and the lord Road Doggy Dogg to be buddies again, but it failed miserably. In the action packed finale(which included a mud pit, by the way) all Chyna’s little plans and her little dreams fell apart, until HBK turned Shane into poultry, and Kane…how should I put this…SHISK-KA-BABED the Taker on a tree. The world was safe again!

Oh yeah, Chyna brutally murders HHH, HHH turns out to be her brother, yadda yadda yadda.

Let the story begin!

***

Chyna sat on the throne, a purple robe thrown over her masculine shoulders. She laid back onto the plushy cushions slightly, taking time to prop her knee high leather booties on her foot stool…Brian Christopher. Yup, life was goooddd. Her attack of the kingdom of Ass had gone pretty well, coz Billy Gunn was in the dungeon at the moment, and Chyna was kin…ahem, QUEEN. Queen of Ass, has a nice ring don’t it? Well anyway, Chyna was large and in charge.

And so, the Warrior Princess rose from her guilded seat…and did absolutely nothing like usual.

***

But in other places, say the D-Generate kingdom, all is not well. The kingdom is totally fucked from all the fights caused by Chyna, Road Dogg’s strip party had to be cancelled, and Mark Henry returned…ooohhhh.

"Shit!" Screeched Road Dogg as the roof crashed down and almost squished him flat, taking out another floor as it smashed through his palace. Mosaics and altars to the gods tumbled from the walls, and as the dust cleared, a final piece of tiling toppled from the gaping hole that used to be a section of the roof and smacked Road Dogg in the back of the skull. Thunder rumbled in the distance as the rain began to hammer down, turning the destruction into a soggy mess.

"I guess now’s not a good time to say we need a new coat of paint?" Said X-Pac, as he carefully maneuvered through the destruction of Sexual Chocolate.

"Fuck off." Muttered Jesse Jammes, flicking soggy mud brick off his shoulder in disgust. "We need cash, and fast. This place was always trashy, but shit, even the cockroaches have started relocating."

"How about we attack the kingdom of Ass?" Suggested X-Pac. "These fuckers always have heaps of cash. Ever been to one of Billy’s porn and prawn nights? They’re not like ours, the prawns are real."

"Good idea." Said Road Dogg. "I’ll go and see if my horse hasn’t been swept away in the storm or squished by bricks. We’ll rob from Mr. Take-It-Up-The-Ass…"

***

As Road Dogg, X-Pac and Kane trudged towards the kingdom of Ass in the pissing rain (poor horsies don’t take raging mud slides too well), the lightning crackled in the distance…notoriously close to the former lands of the evil Taker.

"Hang on…" Said X-Pac suddenly. "Isn’t is spose to be summer?"

"Yes." Muttered Road Dogg.

"And like, wasn’t there that pesky little drought?"                                                             

"Yes."

"And…is that a volcano erupting on the Taker’s old lands?"

"Yes." Said Road Dogg, looking upwards at the green mist coming from the mountain. "That doesn’t look too healthy…"

With an almighty BOOM! It erupted. But not lava, something far worse. The Taker shot from the volcano at warp speeds, grasping a huge sword, and slid down the mountains side, cackling maniacally. With a whump, he landed on the soggy ground, then looked at the smoking volcano impatiently.

"Come on fucknut!" He screeched. "Get your sorry ass out here!"

And slowly, that all too familiar lovely blond hair emerged from the peak…with our favorite dead sidekick under it…

Hunter Hearst Helmsley!!!

"Holy HBK!" Spat Road Dogg. "It’s Hunter Hearst Homo!"

"Isn’t it Helmsley?" Asked X-Pac.

"Yes, you dumb ass." Muttered Jesse Jammes, rolling his eyes. "It’s my own personal reference to the jabronie, ok?"

"Oh, ok. Carry on." Said X-Pac, tapping his forehead and grinning. Road Dogg flicked him in the head.

"Fuck you’re stupid…"

"I AM THE UNDERTAKER!!!!"

The Taker’s voice suddenly filled the mud encrusted valley, and boomed around almost endlessly.

"And I am Hunter…"

No booming there.

"AND I HAVE HBK’S SWORD! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"                                                       

"And I’m quite happy about that…"                                                  

"SHUT UP HUNTER."

"Sorry."

"I kinda think we should be going now…" Said Road Dogg, backing away from the nasty dead dudes.

They turned and fled…except for Kane, who walked in his everyday painfully slow manner.

***

Back at the kingdom of ass. Chyna too has noticed this strange change of weather. To pass the time, she has gone to the local pub for a mud bath, but all is not well. The people are concerned about rumors of the Taker returning, and the fact that this flood is so strong it is sweeping away fruit, veg and livestock.

"You know…ya know what I heard??" Said Steve Austin to D’Lo, as Chyna walked into the bar. "I heard that Taker is back, you know…he ate a kontiki tour of Hestian Virgins, didn’t ya know?"

"Is all that beer good for your system?" Asked D’Lo, as Steve cracked open a Steveweiser.

"Well, I’ve been drinkin since 3:16, and just look at my physique! Sexxxyyyyy."

"Shut up, all of you!" Screeched Chyna. "These rumors are lies I tell you, all LIES! I KILLED the Taker."

"That’s not how I remember it…" Said D’Lo. "I remember Ka…"

Quick as a flash, Chyna implanted a toasting fork into D’Lo’s unprotected ass. Needless to say, it shut him up.

"I killed the Taker." Spat Chyna, pushing her hair from her face. "Any one of you boys wanna argue?!"

The pub was silent, as Stone Cold raised his hand.

"What?!" Screeched Chyna.

"Chyna, can I toss your salad?" He asked. "Coz you’ve got a nice ass…for a guy."

Chyna’s head went red, then a purplish hue, as she pulled out her sword, her teeth clenched, her viola jaw sticking out.

"That’s it!" Said Austin in glee. "Get mad you jacked up BITCH! NOW!"

And all of a sudden, Hawk and Val Venis leapt up from behind the bar.

"The Legion of Drunks 2000! Go! Get the warrior bitch!"

Chyna leapt at Val, who was pelvic thrusting on the table top. She brought him down to the floor with a slam, and jumped on top of him when they landed. She pummeled at him brutally, shaking him and slamming his head repeatedly into the hard ground.

"Not the face…" Val Venis whimpered, as Chyna shrugged, changed her strategy…and slammed her fist into his unprepared nuts. It’s a LOW BLOW!

"Aim for the face…" Groaned Val. But Chyna was finished with Mr. Porn Pretzel. Instead she flipped across the room towards Hawk, grabbed him by the hair, and flung him into the bottles lined up on the bar counter. She grabbed an almost full bottle of ancient scotch, and smashed it across his head. After conveniently shoving him onto the blood spattered floor, she turned her attentions to Austin. She ripped into him, as our three favorite D-Generates entered the pub, dripping wet and mud splattered.

"Bar keep, I’ll have…"

Road Dogg never finished his sentence. Instead, he was collected by the brawl, and deposited on the floor. This pissed Chyna off immensely, so she turned, glared…and gave Road Doggy Dogg a low blow.

"Get outta my way JACKASS!" Chyna screamed, picking up a chair and smashing it over Steve’s bald head.

"I’m a jackass huh?" Snarled Road Dogg, clambering to his feet. "Well, I’m gonna HEE HAW my way up YOUR ASS!!!"

And so the brawl continued, rather noisily. The Legion of Drunks 2000 wasn’t the most powerful force, seeming they were pissed, and fell out of the fight pretty quickly. But not Road Dogg, he’d had a bad day and wasn’t taking shit from nobody. He grabbed Chyna in a side headlock, and slammed her face into the counter top, before giving her a piledriver onto a destroyed chair. But her head was dangerously close to his balls, and…

"ARGGGGHHH!" Screamed Road Dogg, dropping her unceremoniously onto the ground. "She bit my balls man! ARGGGGGGGHH!"

Well, Chyna won the fight anyway.

***

"Hey, at least we got to the kingdom of Ass…" Said X-Pac, pulling pathetically on his metal restraints. Road Dogg turned and glared a glare that could kill a pot plant. If he wasn’t chained to the wall he would have smacked him.

Yes, Chyna was irritated by the antics of everyone in the pub. Yes, she put her teeth where they shouldn’t have been. And YES, she had arrested the D-Generates and the Legion of Drunks 2000 and thrown them into prison with Mr. Ass in a fit of uncontrollable rage. What’s new?

"This is Chyna’s way of torturing me, aint it?" Groaned Billy, trying to pull himself from the wall. "Locked in a room with assholes and pisspots! WAAAAA!!!"

"Yes!" Screamed Chyna, running in the room. "And now I’m gonna give you the Chyna torture! Twelve buckets of Steveweisers!!!"

"Can I have the torture please?" Steve asked hopefully. Chyna growled viciously, then went and…you got it. It’s a LOW BLOW!

"Hang on…" Said X-Pac suddenly. "What about that walking dead problem?"

"I couldn’t care less at the mom…"

There was an earth shattering ripping noise, as the roof flew off from the intensity of the storm, and the rain belted in. Within moments, the water was swirling around their ankles.

"We’re all GONNA DIE!!!!" Screamed Steve, swinging on his metal chains. "Damn, and I’m not even comfortable."

And, as the water reached the waist of our hero Chyna (and the other guys, of course) the room filled with a bizarro light, and low and behold, standing in the dank dungeon was HHH!!!

"Oh crap." Muttered Chyna, as the water rose. "I guess…you aint dead."

"We told you, we told you…." Chanted X-Pac, trying to get some height coz the water was up to his neck.

"Damn, why am I so fucking short?!"

"Yes, Chyna!" Said Hunter. "Tis I, Hunter Hearst Helmsley! The supposed brother that you had the relationship with, then brutally murdered!"

"And I thought my family was fucked up." Muttered Kane.

"But, you evil wench, you shall soon be no more!" Spat Hunter, stomping, or rather splashing his foot on the ground. "Coz I’m gonna get you!"

"I’m shaking in my boots." Sighed Chyna, grabbing Hunter by his lovely long locks, gaining momentum and smashing him into the wall, then pushing him under the rising water. She gripped at his head and slammed it in the water, sending it splashing over everyone.

"DIE! DIE!" Chyna screamed, shaking his head brutally, before dropping him and swimming to safety.

"WAIT!" Screeched Road Dogg, thrashing franticly. "DON’T LEAVE US HERE TO DIE!"

"I thought she was spose to be a hero or something." X-Pac gurgled to Val.

"Well, obviously she’s NOT!" Muttered Val. "Dammit, I’ll never do it again. How depressing."

Yeah, Chyna’s no hero. Fortunately, the flood was raging, and smashed out a wall. The water drained, sending HHH along with it. Where he went, I can’t say. He went SOMEWHERE…

And he’ll be back.