Episode III: Trouble's a brewin.
Disclaimer: The characters depicted in this story are the sole property of Vince McMahon and Titian Sports. Don't own em, and no copyright infringement intended. I'll put em back when I'm done. This story contains coarse language and may not be suitable for anyone under the age of fifteen. ENJOY!!!!
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Chyna…probably.
The power, the passion, the DANGER…she will change the world alright, by screwing it.
HHH is baaackkkk, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Chyna is the queen of Ass, and Taker has HBK’s sword. Where will this all lead our intrepid hero?! Probably towards a low blow or two…read on!
***
Chyna ran down the road, trying not to slip in the sticky mud. She pulled off her soaking wet cloak and left it in a puddle, as lightning crackled near Taker’s lands.
"Shit, shit, shit…" Groaned Chyna. "Why me? What did I ever do to deserve the living dead monkey crap?!"
And then, it happened. The Taker materialized in the path of the Warrior Princess, cackling like a maniac and swinging Shawn’s sword aggressively. Chyna pulled out her mighty chakram, and hissed at the dead man, stomping her leather covered foot on the ground.
"Oh Chyna, don’t be frightened…" He said, a sick little grin forming on his twisted lips. "I’m here to make you an offer."
Chyna cocked her head to one side, and raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I’m offering you the sword."
"It’s not yours to give bastard!" Yelled Chyna, in one of her more heroic, benevolent and righteous moments. "I killed you!"
"No you didn’t." Said the Taker.
"Yes!"
"NO BITCH!"
"YES BASTARD, AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN !"
"Listen, I can’t be bothered with you at the moment. You’re too dumb to be a god anyway." Muttered the Taker. "I think there’s some character requirements you don’t have, say a PERSONALITY. I’ll make it short. HBK is seriously stuffed. I’m gonna marry Tori, and rule the universe. I was gonna marry you, but I changed my mind, you piss me off. You can’t stop me Chyna, either. Just thought I’d mention that. HA HA HA!"
And off he was in a puff of black smoke. But the Warrior Princess/Queen of Ass wasn’t going to let Taker get nasty and destroy the world…again. She vowed to defeat the bastard one way or another…even if it meant…the ultimate horror.
Being friends with the jackasses in her dungeon.
***
Chyna sped as fast as possible towards her palatial palace, only to find the dungeon wall broken, the water flowing out, and Steve Austin dangling next to a whole bunch of picked locks.
"Figures…" Muttered Chyna, taking her chakram and breaking his restraints. "Damn you’re stupid Austin."
"I’m not stupid!" He groaned as he slid down the wet wall. "They wouldn’t free me, they called me a drunken ignoramus who sleeps with sheep, which is so far away from the truth. I’m not ignorant, I like girls."
"What the fuck are you talking about?!"
***
Chyna and Austin arrived at a building that looked like a bar, and it attracted Steve like a magnet. He grabbed Chyna and ran in excitedly, only to find it was a Hestian temple, virgins praying around the sacred altar…the one place you NEVER take a man like Stone Cold.
"Ladies!" Said Steve, employing his famous Val Venis impersonation. "Who wants a good time, huh? Yeah? YEAH?"
The small group of Hestian Virgins all turned to see Steve gyrating bombastically, moving his bald head in a D’Lo kind of fashion.
"Are you the new priest?" Asked one.
"Um…YEAHHHH baby!" He said pulling off his shirt, and rubbing it on his ass. "How about telling me your sins girls…hell, I’ll listen. I’ll even contribute baby…"
Chyna’s fist met Steve’s groin faster then it took Debra to find some good lovin.
"Don’t mind him, he has a dilapidating disease." Muttered Chyna. "To the brain."
Chyna and the head virgin Ivory had a nice old chat will Steve recovered quietly. Chyna explained her small problem, and Ivory in all her wisdom, suggested that Chyna find the D-Generates she wronged so badly, and ask for their help. And if they didn’t give it to her, she should hurt them very badly, coz that’s how they did it in these times. Ivory also suggested a small offering to HBK might be in order, a sacrifice if you will. Chyna agreed with this whole heartedly…
***
"No, I will NOT be your sacrifice!" Screeched Steve. "Just because I nearly violated some sacred women of the cloth is no reason to kill me! Kill a sheep! Kill a goat! Kill a Road Dogg! Just don’t kill me!"
"Maybe I could make it pleasant…" Sighed Chyna. "You could DRINK yourself to death if you liked. You’re nearly there as it is."
"Nooooo!" Yelled Stevie, sobbing. "How about something golden? Gods love GOLDEN shit!"
"And where the fuck are we spose to get gold moron?!" Hissed Chyna, smacking him in the forehead.
"In the hills!" Said Steve, throwing his fist in the air. "These hills are full of it!"
"You’re FULL OF IT." Growled the Warrior Princess.
"I think we should lead a digging expa…expado…thingie."
"Ok." Sighed Chyna. "But if anyone asks, it was my idea!"
***
"Do you all know why you’re here?" Chyna demanded the small crowd, pulling out her long and pointy thing…her sword.
"Yeah!" Said X-Pac. "Free turnips! Free beer!"
Chyna turned and glared at a grinning Steve.
"Good one, huh?" Said Stone Cold. "They all fell for it!"
Chyna screamed incredibly loudly, and kicked Steve in the nuts.
"NO!" She screeched out the crowd. "We’re here to fucking mine for gold to appease the frikkin gods! Get your picks and shovels out people!"
About half the crowd spat on Chyna and left, leaving an even smaller group standing before her, scratching their heads and mumbling to each other. Finally, Billy Gunn raised his hand.
"Yes?" Said Chyna hopefully.
"So, there IS’NT any free beer?"
"NOOOOOO DUMBASS!!!!"
"Oh…" Said Billy, sounding disappointed.
But Road Dogg was more than willing to go, coz he desperately needed money. And so, he and X-Pac grabbed some picks, and joined Chyna’s team. This made Billy jealous, so he too leapt aboard the band wagon and joined the crew. And as for Stevie, Chyna didn’t have a mule to carry her stuff, so he’d have to do.
***
"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with…"
"With what?"
"Withhhhh…"
"WITH WHAT?!" Screamed Chyna.
"R!" Said Billy, staring at something further up ahead.
"Aardvark!" Said Steve, grinning.
"Oh my gods…" Muttered Chyna. "One, there are no frikkin aardvarks around, and two, it starts with ‘A’, fucker, ‘A’!!!!!"
"Rock? Ropes?" Asked Road Dogg.
"Nope!" Said Billy. "Robber!"
"There’s no frikkin robbers here you wanker!" Shouted Chyna, smacking Billy in the forehead. "Damn, how does someone like you end up a king?!"
"Then what’s that?" Asked Billy, trying to shield himself from Chyna’s fist. Chyna peered into the distance, to see the rather large band of nasties trundling towards her little group.
"Oh…" Said Chyna. "THESE robbers. Well, what have we got of value here anyway? In any luck, they’ll take Steve!"
But no, these nasties weren’t interested in abducting Stevie, they were more focused on totally and utterly destroying Chyna, coz she’d most probably given them a low blow somewhere along the line. Their bold and fearless leader, the almighty pimpfath…ahem, GODFATHER, and his mighty army of hos were ready to take the Warrior Princess out!
"You, warrior wench!" Shouted D’Lo, standing in front of the army of semi topless women. "You’re gonna pay for that damn toasting fork incident, oh you better RECOGNIZE!"
"But…what are you doin with the Godfather??" Asked Billy.
D’Lo ummed and ahhed for a bit, before Road Dogg stepped him.
"He’s the head ho."
"What??"
"He’s a ho! Seriously man, he’s a frocky boy."
"Don’t call me a frocky boy!!" Screeched D’Lo.
"He’s just a frockyyy boyyy…" Road Dogg sang to that all too famous god like tune. "He’s a boyyy toyyy! He’s just a frocky…"
"Shut up!" Shouted D’Lo, becoming distressed. "Oh, you BETTER RECOGNIZE!"
"Recognize what?" Retorted Road Dogg. "That you’re a lady of the night?? That you’re the cheapest way to get laid? That you’re a FROCKY BOY???"
D’Lo, screamed, let his head rotate slightly on his rotund shoulders and leapt at the Dogg, slapping at him franticly. Within a moment they were on the ground, rolling in the dirt and pummeling into each other. Chyna advanced upon the skinny, leggy ho train*, (*Uh, trains didn’t exist then, just usin it for effect.) and took down a particularly bony specimen, gripping two handfuls of her skimpy negligee and slamming her forehead into her lovely little nose. The group of women threw their petite little fists in the air, and advanced upon the snarling Warrior Princess in a feeble attempt to at least bring her down to one knee.
They failed.
Chyna screeched, and flung a stunned ho from her muscular back, sending her soaring, somewhat like a leaf, into a rock. She grabbed a pair of blondes and with great glee, clunked their heads together, and flung them away like the trash they are. She dispatched them all with kicks and fists of steel, sending bombshells flying in all directions.
D’Lo delivered one final, nasty jab to the grounded Road Dogg, then leapt to his feet, strutted towards Chyna, and grabbed her shoulders. Chyna muttered a particularly evil curse, raised her leather clad leg and sent it flying at warp factor 9, straight into the groin of the frocky one. He groaned, grasped at the defiled body part and staggered backwards as Chyna sent her skull flying backwards into his mouth. The final blow sent him airborne, as he sailed cleanly over Road Dogg and landed with an omnipotent smash, rolled onto his stomach and crawled away as fast as humanly possible.
"Well…" Said Chyna, cracking her knuckles. "That was fun…"
***
And so, the journey continued, somewhat uneventfully, except for the occasional low blow here or there. Unfortunately, as miners they pretty much sucked. Steve was too drunk, Billy refused to soil his hands in hard labor, X-Pac didn’t have the strength to even lift the pick, Road Dogg was more interested in singing for money and Chyna…well, she was pissed off, damn pissed off. But hey, so what if mining aint their thing? We want ACTION, right?? Well, you’re gonna get some…
They go to a bar…
And who is sitting there getting pissed…? None other than…
To be continued…heh heh heh.