EPISODE IV: THE WRATH OF HUNTER
DISCLAIMER: The characters depicted in this story are the sole property of Titan Sports, i.e Vince the Barbarian. No copyright infringment intended. This story contains coarse language and violence, but hey, kiddies go ahead and read it. You hear enough of that sorta thing on RAW anyway...
RAW IS PORN!!
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Chyna a she-male forged in the heat of low blows. The power, the passion, THE DANGER…her courage will keep us thoroughly entertained!
As you may remember from previous episodes, Taker is free, HHH has gone SOMEWHERE, but more importantly, who is it that is sitting at the bar?! All shall be revealed…probably.
"It’s…it’s…" Stuttered Billy in disbelief.
"It’s HBK!" Said X-Pac, rushing up to him in awe. "Aw…man! Can I have your autograph?? Pul-leasee?! Oh, and one for my mom? And my dad, and my cousin Z-Pac, and my aunt Granola, and my friend Kane, and my great uncle X-Pac, and granny X-Pac and…"
"GET FUCKED." Muttered Shawn, attempting to brush away X-Pac with a swift movement of his arm. It struck X-Pac’s chest, and rebounded off the scrawny covering of muscle, not shifting the D-Generate an inch. Shawn let go a tiny sob, then burst into tears.
"Oh crapppp…" HBK groaned, cradling his face in his palm. "I’m screwed, totally screwed. I can’t even knock this spindly little bastard down! Oohhh, cruel fate, why do you mock me?!"
"I’d say." Sighed Chyna, giving X-Pac a powerful shove and flooring him instantaneously. "It’s pretty damn easy. Let me guess, you lost your sword??"
"Yeah, go on…rub it in!!" Groaned Shawn pitifully, swigging the remains of the contents in his cup. "That bastard dead man got it away from me!"
"How did he achieve that?" Asked Road Dogg a little suspiciously, as Steve wandered towards a table with a Steveweiser in his grasp, mumbling happily. HBK threw his hands up in the ultimate despair, and tried to fix his hair, which had gone terribly limp.
"Oh, I’ll never be a sexy boy again…oh yeah, how he got hold of it. Well…." He paused, unsure of whether to continue. Billy Gunn’s eyes were as round as saucers, as he sat transfixed to Shawn, a thin trail of drool starting to form on his chin. Chyna sat on a bench, her long, athletic legs propped up on the oak table, an impatient look on her face. HBK shot a disarming grin in her direction, before taking a breath and continuing with his story.
"Well, you see…he’s a pretty tough bastard, isn’t he? I fought fantastically, like usual…but, you know…"
"He kicked your ass." Chyna finished flatly.
"Um…well yeah." Sighed Shawn, indicating to the barkeep he wanted more grog. "What’s worse, my wife was conspiring against me! ME! She wanted…of all people…Shane! SHANE! How would you feel if your wife made the decision that Shane was better in bed than you! Argghhh! I’m not even immortal anymore, I’ll have to spend the rest of my miserable mortal life living like you unadorned, plain-as-mud-on-a-wagon-wheel peasants! Waaaaaa!"
X-Pac staggered up from the floor, grasping at the counter top, looking around for anymore of the flying fists of Chyna. When he realized he was somewhat safe, he sat down next to Mr. Dogg, and the engrossed Mr. Ass.
"I don’t wanna say it…but, but…" Shawn smacked himself in the forehead. "Damn, help me! I need help! I need the Taker outta the picture! Remember, he who holds the sword holds the damn power, and all he needs is immortality to start a reign as the master of the universe! I think that’s a good enough reason to lend me a hand in this matter, don’t you?!"
"Yeah, probably." Sighed Chyna, standing up and adjusting her leather garb. "Let’s just go and try and kill him…again. Who knows, It’ll probably work this time."
***
Taker sat on HBK’s throne in HBK’s pad, the traumatized Tori sitting beside him, petting her forbidden lover Shane. Undertaker was feeling particularly pleased with himself, except he couldn’t seem to get rid of the large hole in his stomach where he had been flung into the tree. It was really ruining his look, apart from the fact that he was dead anyway. Oh, and that Hunter was the most pathetic accomplice he had ever had in his entire life. Tori let go a small sob, as she stroked the chicken.
"Oh Shane, don’t you worry…" She sighed. "The nasty god who did this to you is going to pay. Just like that horrid warrior woman, and that indelicate fellow who shoved Taker into a tree…with rather a lot of force as I recall."
Suddenly, the door of the temple swung open, and Hunter staggered into the room, dripping from head to toe with water. He shook a spray of droplets from his golden, flawless locks, then cautiously approached the Dead Man, smiling nervously and the glaring Taker.
"Well…" Snarled the Taker, scowling at Hunter, his tree trunk like arms crossed. "Is Chyna dead yet?!"
"Well…" Said Hunter, wringing his hands, and lightly stepping closer to Tori and the clucking Shane. "You see…we had a slight, and I emphasize SLIGHT, clash of interests…she got nasty."
The Undertaker rose from his seat, yanked the cushion that had lodged itself inside the hole in his stomach, and strode towards the cowering Helmsley. They stood, eye to chest, as Hunter backed away ever so slowly. He suddenly dropped to his knees, clasped his hands together and begun frantic begging.
"Pleaseeee don’t kill meeeee!" Hunter sobbed, grabbing Taker’s leg. "I’ll kill her, I swear! I’ll even kill Kane if you want me to! Hell, I’ll kill anyone you damn say!!"
"Fine, fine…" Muttered the Phenom, shaking Hunter into his own wet puddle. "You have one chance to redeem yourself…"
"Yes??" Said Hunter, crawling back up to his knees, his eyes wide. "I’m listening! Should I write this down?"
"KILL H…B…K!!!"
"Oh." Said Hunter. "Jolly…"
***
And so Hunter journeyed forth, in search of the former king of the gods. He found him too, but believe it or not, Chyna was the single force between HBK’s destruction.
And so, Hunter leapt at the defenseless Shawn while Chyna was taking a whizz behind a bush, and started kicking him rather aggressively in the head. The drunken Steve staggered at the mightily irked HHH, and leapt upon his back. Hunter leapt upwards, Stone Cold still attached, and did a pirouette that would make a ballerina proud, sending him hurtling into the ground. Hunter then rose, dripping with beer, picked up the Steveweiser ands with a powerful shove smashed the can into the face of the jarred Austin, then spun like a bat out of hell and flew towards Shawn, landing smack bang in his sculpted abs and jabbing him in the nose. With a superior giggle he pulled a dagger from his boot, gave HBK a particularly unholy smack to the jaw, and prepared to drive it into the sexy boy’s heart…
"No DEAR GODS, NOOOO!" X-Pac’s voice sounded from the rear of them.
X-Pac took a run up, jumped from one foot and sent his scrawny frame towards Hunter. He turned in time for X-Pac to go flying into his chest, sending them both slamming backwards in a flurry of arms and legs. The knife soared up, up, and then plummeted down like a rock, its blade implanting itself in the soft earth about a foot from the carnage.
Hunter looked at X-Pac.
X-Pac looked at Hunter.
And they both struggled up from the ground, trying to grip the all oh so important weapon, as Shawn rolled around in the dirt, grasping his head and muttering incoherently. Hunter muttered an unprintable curse, and dove for the crawling X-Pac’s long, flying hair and took a firm grip of it. With an unpleasant smile, and a quick flick of the wrist he effortlessly yanked the kid up by his locks, gave his arm a quarter turn to the right and sent his thudding to the soil. The dagger was his! Hunter gets the victory!
Actually, all he got was a pretty hellacious low blow…
"Brother dear…" Chyna snarled, as Hunter fell to his knees, grasping at the defiled body part. He slowly staggered to his feet, and turned to face his old adversary, as she pulled out her mighty sword and glanced at him, a look of superiority on her face. But Hunter smiled, revealing rows of perfect teeth as it widened, and took a stance, giving X-Pac one final boot kick on the ground.
"Come get some you jacked up bitch!" Hunter shouted, pushing his golden hair from his face, continuing the obnoxious grin. "Coz this is where we end it, right here, right now!"
Chyna swore under her breath, pulled out her chakram and flung it with her sculpted arm with the strength of an army. It whizzed through the air, found its mark in Hunter’s chin, ricocheted off the bone and flew back to Chyna’s grasp. HHH stood motionless for a single moment, swayed slightly…and collapsed into a crumpled heap. Chyna raised an eyebrow at her unconscious sibling, stepped over him delicately and pulled up the tragic figure, which was Shawn Michaels.
"Damn, you’re pathetic." Sighed Chyna, as HBK tried to fix his beautiful hair, which had been misplaced during the punch on. He scowled.
"I need my sword! WHADDAYA doing about it, huh? HUH?!" Shawn screeched, poking her in the shoulder with a rigid finger. She glared at the spot where he poked her then directly at him, as he stomped a livid foot into the ground. "Get me my damn sword! Or you’ll be god damn sorry, my boy Hunter will…"
Shawn stopped dead, suddenly aware that he’d said the wrong thing, at the wrong time. He looked at the Warrior Princess meekly, as her face darkened with anger. With a quick movement she gripped the side of his admirable face, and pulled him inches from her chiseled jaw.
"Your boy?!" She hissed through clenched teeth.
Shawn gulped and attempted to slide out of her grasp, but her fingers curled around his hair and took a death lock of his skull. HBK whimpered as the warrior closed in on him.
"What does that MEAN??"
"Well, you see…" Said Hunter, stalling for time. "It’s rather a long story…"
"Oh, I have time." Chyna growled.
"Fine! FINE, let’s just let the cat outta the bag!" Shawn muttered, trying to maneuver his way out of Chyna’s vice like grip. "I’m HUNTER’S FATHER!!!"
Shocked silence followed, as HBK looked longingly Hunter on the ground. X-Pac crawled from the place he was lying, getting quite used to the knock downs by now, and stared at HBK, then HHH, then HBK again.
"Well, you certainly don’t share noses…" Said X-Pac with a shrug. "Man, you could build a temple on that…ahem, appendage."
"Lay off grasshopper." Muttered Shawn. "What was I saying…oh yeah, my son."
"Hang on, hang on…" Said X-Pac suddenly. "Does that make Shawn your father??"
"Not exactly…" Said Shawn. "You see, well…it all really starts with the Undertaker. Or rather his mother, the biggest whore in history."
"Oh my god…" Muttered Chyna.
"Mrs. Taker there has seen more knobs then a locksmith, I can tell you. Beautiful woman, I must admit." Shawn stopped and sighed a long, meaningful sigh. "Oh, but such a slut, she’d do anyone. Well, she did, actually. She did you’re father, she did Taker’s father, she did PAUL BEARER."
Chyna and X-Pac both simultaneously winced at the statement.
"Ah, and me and her had a rather nice, one night relationship. Then she dumped on me the little bastard you see before you, my son." He paused. "Hunterles!"
"Hunterles??" Snickered X-Pac. Shawn looked irritated as Chyna sent a thick, muscular arm in the kid’s direction, sending him flying.
"Take a nap." She muttered, before becoming focused again. "Oh great, so I’m almost related to you. And Hunter. AND Kane. AND THE FRIKKIN UNDERTAKER!!! DAMMIT, YOU COULDA MENTIONED THIS EARLIER!"
HBK shrugged, and turned his gaze to…ahem, ‘Hunterles’.
"What shall we do with him?"
"Leave him here, at this point I don’t give a shit." Muttered Chyna. "I’m going to go destroy my family now, thank you very much. Hell, doesn’t really matter anyway. I killed Hunter, Kane kills Undertaker, Hunter tries to kill you, Undertaker tries to kill me. I wonder if the playwright Jerry Sprigerous will write a poem on this crap?"
"It’d be a best seller." Sighed Shawn, as he turned and started to walk back towards the kingdom of Ass, X-Pac limping behind, Austin staggering to his feet and franticly searching for his Steveweiser.
But it doesn’t take long for Hunter to get back on his feet…
And Road Dogg just happens to be walking straight towards his hiding place, totally unaware that the son of a god lurks in the shadows…with one hell of a dagger…
TO BE CONTINUED…